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      Late Night Weighs In on Donald Trump’s $9,000 Fine

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      “I know $9,000 might not seem like a lot to a successful businessman, but what about to Trump?” Colbert said of the court-imposed penalty for violating a gag order.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Spare ChangeOn Tuesday, the judge in Donald Trump’s hush money trial held the former president in contempt, fining him $9,000 for violating a gag order on nine separate occasions.“I know $9,000 might not seem like a lot to a successful businessman, but what about to Trump?” Stephen Colbert joked.“The judge lamented that that is the most he could legally fine him, warning that if Trump keeps violating the gag order, ‘jail may be a necessary punishment.’ I don’t know if it’s necessary for Trump, but I need it.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Even though I’m not on Trump’s side, I don’t think it’s fair. This trial is about the fact that he paid a woman to be quiet. Now if he isn’t quiet, he has to pay them? It makes no sense. They’re using his thing against him. It’s like, like Jesus, a carpenter who they nailed to a cross. I mean, think about it. Read about it in your Trump-brand Bibles, OK?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The judge also told Trump that if he continues to violate the gag order, he might lock him up. Melania was like, ‘Don’t let the judge tell you what to do!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump spends $9,000 at the Wendy’s drive-through.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump was like, ‘But I get the 10th one free, right?’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Trump’s Kids Edition)“I forgot to tell you guys, today was Take Your Kid to Court Day.” — JIMMY FALLON“The good news for Trump is that one of his family members finally showed up at court today. The bad news is it was Eric.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Eric Trump attended his dad’s porn star hush money trial today, which in the Trump family is as close as you get to playing catch in the yard.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Today, the judge ruled that he will cancel court on May 17 so Trump can go to Barron’s high school graduation, which is funny because now Trump has to go to Barron’s high school graduation.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He woke up from a dead sleep in court and yelled, ‘Objection!’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingHannah Einbinder, the star of “Hacks,” recalled her first time on television in a conversation with Stephen Colbert on Tuesday.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe rapper Doja Cat will appear on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutMaleah Joi Moon in the Alicia Keys musical “Hell’s Kitchen.”Sara Krulwich/The New York TimesWith 13 nods each, “Hell’s Kitchen” and “Stereophonic” tied for the most nominations at this year’s Tony Awards. More

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      Stephen Colbert Scolds Kristi Noem for Killing Her Puppy

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      “No! Bad, psycho governor! No! Sit down!” Colbert said on Monday’s “Late Show,” spraying water from a bottle.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Bad Governor!The South Dakota governor Kristi Noem, an aspiring vice-presidential candidate, has gotten some negative press over her forthcoming book, in which she describes killing a family dog.“Warning: If you like puppies, you’re not going to like Kristi Noem,” Stephen Colbert said on Monday.“Look, I know it sounds terrible, but it’s much worse. Because this wasn’t some rabid 90-pound hellhound on a meth bender — it was a 14-month-old wire-haired pointer named Cricket. Yes, a puppy named Cricket. Reminds me of Stephen King’s first draft of ‘Cujo,’ ‘Snuggles.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“No! Bad, psycho governor! No! Sit down! Bad! Stay! Stay away from dogs!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I don’t know how big her staff is, but I’m guessing she has at least a dozen people working for her, probably more. Not one of those dozen or dozens of people raised a hand and said, ‘Uh, governor? Do you think maybe not a great idea to share that story about shooting a whole petting zoo at your house? Maybe we save shooting a puppy in a gravel pit for the next book, you know?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“By the way, the actual title of Noem’s book where she tells this story is ‘No Going Back.’ Better than her first drafts, ‘Old Yeller 2: He Had it Coming’ and ‘All Dogs Go to Gravel Pit.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Governor Noem, if you don’t like untrainable animals that wolf down chickens, I have bad news about your party’s nominee.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (John Wick Edition)“When you’re trying to win over voters, I’m not sure being the bad guy in a John Wick movie is the best way to go.” — JIMMY FALLON“But who among us hasn’t seen a dog running through the fields, not a care in the world, and thought, ‘You deserve to die’?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, people are really going to hate her next book, ‘Kristi Noem: Then I Ate It.’” — JIMMY FALLON“It’s one thing to kill a dog named Cricket; it’s another to brag about it in your book. What’s the book even called, ‘I Did It’?” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingAnne Hathaway and Melanie Lynskey played a new game called “Reverse Charades” on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightJerry Seinfeld will discuss his new Netflix film, “Unfrosted,” on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This Out“Challengers,” starring Josh O’Connor and Zendaya, has a number of sultry moments.Metro Goldwyn Mayer PicturesErotically charged films like “Saltburn” and “Challengers” show that sex is making a comeback in cinema. More

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      Late Night Mocks Republicans for Trying to Oust Their Speaker

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      “Being the speaker of the House nowadays is like being Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend — you hang on as long as you can,” Jimmy Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Not Right EnoughThe Republican speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, is facing significant backlash from conservatives after pushing to advance an aid package for Ukraine.“Somehow Mike Johnson, a man who called Planned Parenthood part of an ‘American holocaust,’ isn’t right-wing enough for these people,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Thursday.“They formed what they call a ‘Floor Action Response Team’ or F-A-R-T for short. So, you know these are very serious people.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Being the speaker of the House nowadays is like being Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend — you hang on as long as you can.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Mike Johnson — a climate change-denying, homophobic religious fanatic — knows that getting Ukraine these weapons is the right thing to do and even though his party is terrified of Jell-O Putin-lover Trump, he’s doing it anyway, and that’s why they’re going to destroy him. They can’t have that! If they let him do the right thing on Ukraine, he might do the right thing on other stuff. It’s a very slippery slope.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Jury Duty Edition)“They had a really productive day today. Matter of fact, right before I came out here to do the show, we learned that a full jury has now been picked for Donald Trump’s New York trial. Plus, one alternate has been seated, too. So 13 — also known as a Stormy dozen.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Each prospective juror had to answer questions about what they think about Trump, which meant he had to sit there and listen to comments like this one, from a woman who said — she said, ‘I wouldn’t believe Trump if his tongue were notarized.’ You know, that woman — she did not get picked as a juror, but I would like to hire her as a writer if she’s interested.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Juror No. 2 told the judge that people in her life had figured out she’d been selected and then had started to try to influence her. That frustrated Judge Merchan, who admonished the press for reporting juror descriptions and gave this example: ‘There was really no need to mention that one of the jurors had an Irish accent.’ That’s true — that little detail allowed me to positively identify him as the Lucky Charms guy. [imitating Lucky Charms leprechaun] ‘They’re after me home address!’” — STEPHEN COLBERTWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Skewers Trump’s Review of Jimmy Kimmel’s Oscar Hosting

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      “Ranta Claus got up bright and early to post 165 venomous words about yours truly,” Kimmel said on Donald Trump’s day off from his criminal trial on Wednesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Old NewsDonald Trump had the day off from his criminal trial on Wednesday. He spent part of it criticizing Jimmy Kimmel’s hosting of the Oscars several weeks ago, though he apparently conflated him with Al Pacino, who announced a major award there.Trump wrote, in part: “Stupid Jimmy Kimmel, who still hasn’t recovered from his horrendous performance and big ratings drop as Host of The Academy Awards, especially when he showed he suffered from TDS, commonly known as TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME, to the entire World by reading on air my TRUTH about how bad a job he was doing that night, right before he stumbled through announcing the biggest award of all, ‘Picture of the Year.’”“This was five weeks ago,” Kimmel said of the Oscars. “My parents don’t even care anymore!”“Today, he had a day off, and how did he spend that? Brunch with Melania? No. Maybe a catch with Barron in the yard? No, no. Ranta Claus got up bright and early to post 165 venomous words about yours truly!” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s right — in the middle of a presidential campaign and countless federal indictments, he’s obsessed with the Academy Awards from five weeks ago. I look forward to his new campaign slogan: ‘Trump 2024: They Gave It to ‘Green Book’?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I did not present the award for Best Picture. I am not Al Pacino. Maybe you dreamed this during one of your courtroom siestas?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He’s Al Pacino, I’m me. You’d think he would know that because I’m pretty sure ‘Say hello to my little friend’ is what he said to Stormy Daniels that got him in all this trouble.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Also, you keep my friend Jimmy Kimmel’s name out of your weird little wet mouth, OK? Jimmy Kimmel is my podcast brother from Strike Force 5, and I have vowed — I have vowed to defend him until my death — or until the next ad for Mint Mobile.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Fascinating and Mysterious Edition)“Yesterday was a surprisingly productive court session because they picked seven jurors. I was not one of them. And while their identities will be kept secret, we’ve learned a little about who it is, like Juror No. 4, who said of the ex-president, ‘I find him fascinating and mysterious. [imitating juror] Like when he says he wants to shoot protesters and jail his opponents, what does he mean? I can fix him.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Notes ‘Another Stormy Day’ in ‘The Orange People’s Court’

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      Kimmel said that former president Donald J. Trump is starring “as the defendant in his first of many criminal trials to come.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Jury’s Still OutJury selection continued in former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial on Tuesday.Jimmy Kimmel called it “another Stormy day in New York in the new episode of ‘The Orange People’s Court’ today starring Donald J. Trump as the defendant in his first of many criminal trials to come.”“Now yesterday, more than half the group was excused for telling the judge they could not be fair and impartial. That’s pretty vague — might as well ask ‘Who wants to leave?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I wouldn’t blame them. After all, the job description is ‘Wanted: impartial juror, four days a week, $40 a day, benefits include free Wi-Fi and unlimited death threats.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“One potential juror was an older woman who said she believes ‘no one is above the law.’ And Trump’s lawyers were like, ‘Get her out of here right now!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yo, this court is roasting Donald Trump. I thought this was a courthouse, not a high school cafeteria.” — DULCÉ SLOAN, guest host of “The Daily Show”“He’s got thick skin. He’s basically a hunk of beef jerky with a layer of bronzer.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“At that rate, they’re going to burn through every available New Yorker. By the end, the jury’s going to include a Times Square Buzz Lightyear, 40 rats in a trench coat, and Lin Manuel Miranda.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (‘Sleepy Crime Tea’ Edition)“Yesterday, Trump fell asleep during the proceedings — he took a little white power nap. But today he was sharp, focused and he fell asleep again.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The Trump campaign also pushed back on reports that he fell asleep in court yesterday. They said that was ‘fake snooze.’’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He’s very sleepy. Is it possible his lawyers are tranquilizing him to keep the outbursts at a minimum?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump must have snoozed for a while, because the court sketch artist had time to draw him. Well, I think we found a new mascot for Celestial Seasonings Sleepy Crime Tea.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe singer-songwriter Maggie Rogers performed her song “The Kill” on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightOrlando Bloom will promote his new Peacock series “Orlando Bloom: The Edge” on Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutFKA twigs rehearsing Martha Graham’s “Satyric Festival Song” at the Graham studios in Manhattan on Monday. The dress was designed by Graham.Caroline Tompkins for The New York TimesRecording artist FKA twigs will make her debut with the Martha Graham Dance Company on Thursday. More

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      Late Night Savors Day One of the Trump Trial

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      After the ex-president seemed to fall asleep in court, Jimmy Kimmel said it was “nice to see even Donald Trump is exhausted by Donald Trump.” Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Dozo the Clown’Donald Trump’s trial kicked off with jury selection in New York on Monday.“The trial began at 10 a.m. with the court clerk announcing, ‘The People of the State of New York vs. Donald J. Trump,’ followed by 15 minutes of thunderous applause,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Monday.“‘The People of the State of New York?’ That’s us!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The trial is expected to last six weeks — or until the courtroom sketch artist runs out of orange, whichever comes first.” — JIMMY KIMMELLate night hosts were amused by the reports of Trump nodding off during the proceedings.“Imagine committing so many crimes you get bored at your own trial.” — JON STEWART“If Biden is Sleepy Joe, I guess that makes you Dozo the Clown.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Imagine if Joe Biden fell asleep in the court on the first day of his trial. Trump would be calling him ‘Comatose Joe.’ Fox News would be talking about this until Christmas. But not old Donny Nappleseed.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Multiple reports said Trump’s head drooped until his chin hit his chest, which, I don’t know, maybe he was just following the price of his Truth Social stock. Either way, it’s nice to see even Donald Trump is exhausted by Donald Trump.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (‘Gettysburg: Wow’ Edition)“This weekend, our former president and illustrious historian Donald J. Trump spoke near one of America’s most hallowed battlefields, and if you thought Lincoln consecrated Gettysburg with his soaring rhetoric, well, buckle up.” — JON STEWART“You have to hand it to this guy: On the weekend before his unprecedented criminal trial begins, he somehow manages to overshadow it with this broken-brained interpretation of what happened at Gettysburg during the Civil War.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That is plagiarized almost directly from my seventh-grade book report, ‘Gettysburg: Wow.’” — JON STEWART“What a stirring orator. I look forward to Ken Burns’s updated documentary.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“He always sounds like a kid who forgot he had an oral report due on that day.” — JIMMY KIMMEL”Get that man on ‘Drunk History,’ will you?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe author Salman Rushdie talked to Colbert about his memoir, “Knife,” which recounts the attempt on his life in 2022.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightOn Tuesday’s “Daily Show,” Mayan Lopez will discuss working with her father, George, on Season 2 of their NBC sitcom, “Lopez vs. Lopez.”Also, Check This OutA tour of historically Black colleges and universities by the cast of “A Different World” includes, clockwise from top left, Kadeem Hardison, Cree Summer, Charnele Brown, Darryl M. Bell, Dawnn Lewis and Glynn Turman.Schaun Champion for The New York TimesFormer cast members from the sitcom “A Different World” have reunited in support of historically Black universities. More

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      Late Night Mocks Arizona’s Abortion Law

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      “That is crazy — but remember it’s Arizona, so it’s a dry crazy,” Stephen Colbert said of the state’s 160-year-old ban on abortion, newly reinstated.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Hazing ArizonaThe Arizona Supreme Court on Tuesday reinstated a law from 1864 banning nearly all abortions in the state.Stephen Colbert called it “a law so old that it was passed before women had the right to vote.”“To which the Arizona Supreme Court said, ‘Don’t worry, we’ll work on that one next.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That is crazy — but remember it’s Arizona, so it’s a dry crazy.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“1864? Was anybody even there yet? Was this their first law right after Don’t Shoot the Piano Player?” — SETH MEYERS“States can enforce laws written before they were even states? Does that mean any state in the Louisiana Purchase is now subject to the laws of 18th-century France? If you steal a loaf of bread in Baton Rouge, you’ll be sentenced to 19 years in jail, and they’ll write a musical about you?” — SETH MEYERS, referring to “Les Miserables”The Punchiest Punchlines (‘Simon & Joefunkel’ Edition)The White House state dinner for Prime Minister Fumio Kishida of Japan also got some attention from the hosts.“You know Joe Biden — his state dinners are a little different than the usual. For one thing, they start at 4:30., and you can only get in if you have a Groupon.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The musical entertainment for the event was Paul Simon, which is — that’s a good one. That’s big. Trump was lucky to get the surviving members of O-Town for one of his state dinners, but Japan got an evening of Simon & Joefunkel.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yep, Biden got to eat dinner with a performance from Paul Simon. Meanwhile, Kamala Harris had to sit through a lunch with Art Garfunkel.” — JIMMY FALLON“So of course Paul Simon kicked off his old hit, ‘Me and Fumio Down by the Schoolyard.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingVampire Weekend performed their new song “Mary Boone” on Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe Norwegian singer-songwriter girl in red is the musical guest on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutThe Indigo Girls, Amy Ray and Emily Saliers, were routinely mocked for being too earnest, too poetic, too folky, too lesbian. OscilloscopeThe Indigo Girls opened up their archives for “It’s Only Life After All,” a new career-spanning documentary about the folk-rock music duo. More

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      Stephen Colbert Mocks Trump’s Failed Bid to Delay Hush-Money Trial

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      Colbert said Donald Trump’s lawyers wanted “an impartial jury who knew nothing about the events in America over the last nine years.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘His Crimes Are the News!’An appeals court judge on Monday denied Donald Trump’s request to postpone his criminal trial in Manhattan stemming from a hush-money deal with a porn star. His lawyers unsuccessfully argued that the former president couldn’t get a fair trial in New York because potential jurors were exposed to news reporting on his other recent legal issues.“So are you saying members of the jury can’t have seen any news about Donald Trump’s crimes?” Stephen Colbert said. “His crimes are the news!”“[Imitating Trump’s attorney] Your honor, it is only fair that our client be judged by an impartial jury who knew nothing about the events in America over the last nine years. Might I recommend 12 confused men who were dropped off in a forest as infants and then raised by wolves, or, if they’re not available, could we acquire some clone babies that have been rapidly aged in some sort of machine and then released into the jury box. Oh, they think he’s guilty, too? OK.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You were president — the whole country has a bias. The only way you’re getting a juror who doesn’t know you is if it’s randomly Tiffany.” — SETH MEYERSThe judge released a questionnaire on Monday for potential jurors, with questions like “whether they believe in QAnon, use Truth Social, or attend Trump rallies,” Jimmy Fallon said on Tuesday. “In other words, he wants to know, ‘Are you Marjorie Taylor Greene?’”“‘Has former [President] Trump ever buried you or anyone you love on one of his golf courses?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I wish I could get in on questioning these potential jurors. I feel like I’d be so good at it. ‘And one final question, sir: Does your truck have nuts?’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Forgiveness Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More