Colbert, Stephen

Stephen Colbert said he was surprised to learn that the former vice president had been running for the White House. “It hadn’t registered,” he said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Prayers AnsweredFormer Vice President Mike Pence ended his presidential campaign on Saturday, telling a crowd of supporters in Las Vegas, “It’s become clear to me that this is not my time.”On Monday, Stephen Colbert said that Pence’s time was 1692. “His place: Salem. His job: Man Who Shoves Woman Into River to See if She’s a Witch,” Colbert joked.“Now, I don’t know about you, but I was very surprised … that Mike Pence was running for president. It hadn’t registered.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Over the weekend, Mike Pence officially suspended his 2024 presidential campaign, right? Which raises an interesting question: Can you stop something that never started?” — JIMMY FALLON“Mike Pence dropped out to spend more time in a separate bedroom from his wife.” — CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD, guest host of “The Daily Show”“I will say, though, is it really ending your campaign when your campaign never got off the ground to begin with? It’s like turning down sex when you have erectile dysfunction, like, the choice was made for you already, my guy.” — CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD“Pence said he prayed over the decision, which is not surprising. After all, he titled his campaign launch memoir, ‘So Help Me God.’ God responded with his own book, ‘New Phone, Who Dis?’ Not very nice. He got ghosted. He got ghosted by the Holy Ghost.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Mike Pence made this announcement from the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas. I didn’t know Mother even allowed him to go to Las Vegas.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Sioux Close Edition)“While speaking at a campaign event yesterday in Sioux City, Iowa, former President Trump mistakenly referred to the South Dakota city of Sioux Falls. Well, that’s it, he’s got to be done now, right? I mean, 91 felony charges is one thing, but you can’t mix up the Siouxs.” — SETH MEYERS“Ooh, Sioux close, yet Sioux far away.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Biden was like, ‘Someone help that poor old man. He’s confused and disoriented.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Even the biggest Trump supporters are thinking, ‘Maybe those gag orders are a good idea.’” — JIMMY FALLON“It makes sense that he was confused: It was the first time in months he’s been in a room without a jury.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe comedian Nelson Franklin played George Santos for a segment poking fun at the disgraced House representative on Monday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightDepeche Mode will perform on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.’Also, Check This OutGeorgette SmithIn her new memoir “The Woman in Me,” Britney Spears reclaims her life, her story and herself. More

The “Late Show” host chided the new House speaker for offering little more than thoughts and prayers to survivors of the Maine shooting on his first day in office.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Major FailAddressing tragedies like mass shootings has become a regular part of late night. On Thursday night, Stephen Colbert spoke about a shooting in Lewiston, Maine, that killed 18 people and injured 13 others on Wednesday.“Some people are going to say ‘This is a mental health issue,’ others are going to say, ‘It’s a gun issue,’ but there’s no reason it can’t be both,” Colbert said. “For instance, some people are going to look at this tragedy and say, ‘We don’t have enough guns in America.’ That alone proves some of us are mentally ill.”Colbert pointed out that most Americans want bans on assault-style weapons and for Congress to take action to prevent more mass shootings, yet no one on either side of the aisle has successfully stopped them from happening.“So, ask your representative, ‘What will you do?’ If they don’t have an answer immediately at hand, if they say it’s too soon to talk about this, that means they’ve never really given it any serious thought. Because they’ve had plenty of time since Uvalde and Marjory Stoneman Douglas and Sandy Hook and the Pulse nightclub. So if they don’t have an answer now, they will never have an answer.” — STEPHEN COLBERTHe expressed disappointment over a lack of new ideas from recently elected House speaker Mike Johnson, “a self-professed devoutly religious man,” who offered little comfort to Americans in a statement during his first day in office, which amounted to little more than thoughts and prayers.“We’re already capable of hope and prayer ourselves. You’re capable of governing, theoretically. And I’m sorry if that sounds like too hard of a job for you. If that seems like too hard of a job, you know who’s really got a hard job now? The people in Lewiston, Maine.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And there are very few people like Mainers. I know Mainers. I love Mainers. They’re strong people. They’ve got Moxie — literally, it’s the name of the official state soft drink. It tastes like carbonated cough syrup, but they drink it anyway, ’cause Mainers are tough. These are people whose idea of a beach is a collection of jagged rocks near freezing water. Their state flower, the Maine state flower — and this is true — is a frickin’ pine cone!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And I dare anyone in power to show a fraction of the courage of all the families who have faced their tragedies and faced our failure to change.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Getting to Know You Edition)“Republicans yesterday elected Mike Johnson the 56th speaker of the House, which is crazy ’cause a month ago, we were only at 12.” — SETH MEYERS“Meanwhile, earlier today, Mike Johnson met with President Biden for the first time since becoming speaker. Johnson is pretty famous for being an election denier, so it got pretty awkward when he said, ‘Good to meet you, ‘President Biden. ’” — JIMMY FALLON“But the meeting was very friendly. Biden even invited Johnson to pet his dog.” — JIMMY FALLON“Biden told a story about his days in Congress, and by the time it was over, Johnson was already voted out as speaker.” — JIMMY FALLON“Johnson is also extremely anti-LGBTQ, saying: ‘Homosexual marriage is the dark harbinger of chaos and sexual anarchy that could doom even the strongest republic.’ If you’re doin’ it right.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe comedian Jeff Ross dressed down kids in Halloween costumes for “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutCailee Spaeny in “Priscilla.”Sabrina Lantos/A24Adapted from Priscilla Presley’s 1985 memoir, “Elvis and Me,” Sofia Coppola’s new film, “Priscilla,” re-examines the King from his young wife’s point of view. More

“This morning, I didn’t even know who Tom Emmer was,” Kimmel said about a short-lived candidate for House speaker. “Now, I still don’t. I have no idea.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘You Will Be Googled’Representative Tom Emmer, Republican of Minnesota, was nominated for speaker of the House on Tuesday before withdrawing because of a lack of support from the right.Jimmy Kimmel joked that it was just the latest history-making delay of the House “ungaveling before our eyes.”“In the history of our country, there has never been a situation like this. And there’s nothing in the Constitution that covers it, because the founding fathers, as forward-thinking as they were, never imagined such a large group of elected officials being so unbelievably dumb.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This morning, I didn’t even know who Tom Emmer was. Now, I still don’t. I have no idea.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“According to people I pay to care about it, Emmer is the House majority whip. He sits on the Financial Services Committee, and, perhaps most notably, he got two D.U.I.s, then sponsored legislation to lower the legal penalties that face accused drunk drivers. OK, so a little self-serving? He also introduced H.R. 2435: That Mailbox Was Already Knocked Down.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Altoids last longer than these Republican nominees.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Martin Scorsese’s out here making movies that last longer than speaker candidates.” — DESUS NICE, guest host of “The Daily Show”“Farewell, Tom Emmer. You will be Googled.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“At this point, I’d call the G.O.P. a clown car, but clowns go to college.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Who Flips Next? Edition)“Trump 2020 campaign lawyer Jenna Ellis pleaded guilty today to a criminal charge in the Georgia election interference case, making her former President Trump’s fourth co-defendant of the trial to plead guilty. So I guess, in the end, he did teach them all ‘The Art of the Deal.’” — SETH MEYERS“That’s three Trump lawyers in one week! Which leads us to America’s favorite new game show: ‘Who … Flips … Next?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Right now, half of Trump’s lawyers are trying to keep him out of prison; the other half are trying to keep themselves out of prison.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingMick Jagger joined Jimmy Fallon to divulge some “Freezer Secrets” on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe Canadian stand-up comedian, actor and writer Mae Martin will appear on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutThe Birmingham Royal Ballet performing “Black Sabbath: The Ballet,” which has had sold-out runs in England in Birmingham, Plymouth and London.Ellie Smith for The New York TimesHeavy metal meets classical dance in the Birmingham Royal Ballet’s smash hit, “Black Sabbath: The Ballet.” More

“I don’t know about you — I saw the whole thing happen,” Kimmel said Monday, wondering who counted as a witness in Trump’s election interference case.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Trump Gets GaggedA judge imposed a limited gag order on former President Donald Trump on Monday, barring him from publicly attacking court staff members, specific prosecutors and witnesses involved in the federal case over his efforts to overturn the 2020 election.Jimmy Kimmel wondered who exactly counted as a witness, telling viewers, “I don’t know about you — I saw the whole thing happen.”“Trump’s lawyer said he had no intention of intimidating any witnesses or court staff, including the judge, Tanya Chutkan, the one who lives at 2747 Maple View Lane, white Nissan Sentra parked outside.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s right, Trump is prohibited from posting statements about the special counsel, his staff, the judge’s staff, witnesses and, here’s where it gets worse for him: windmills, windmills killing birds, windmills killing whales, windmills killing birds that come back to life and kill whales, toilets, toilets that don’t flush, toilets that do flush, and toilets that flush louder than windmills killing killer whales that come back to life to kill birds.” — SETH MEYERS“Good luck getting Donald Trump to stop talking. The guy is probably still spilling national secrets, just out on the golf course like, [imitating Trump] ‘Should I go with a 4-iron or a 5-iron? That reminds me, four and five — first two numbers in the nuclear codes. And guess what numbers come next? You’ll never guess; I’ll just tell you.’” — MICHAEL KOSTA“But even with this gag order, Trump’s still allowed to disparage the Justice Department, President Biden and other perceived enemies as long as what he says doesn’t directly reference his case, which, that should be no problem. This is a man who chooses his words very carefully.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Speak For Yourself Edition)“Jim Jordan has been in Congress for 16 years. He hasn’t sponsored a single bill that passed. For real — zero bills passed in 16. Even George Santos is like, ‘You suck, man.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But these Republicans are in a tough spot. I mean, either they cave to the extremists in their party who want to impeach Joe Biden and hand Ukraine over to Putin, or they work with the Democrats who want to fight climate change and give sick people health care. So it’s a no-win situation, really. “ — JIMMY KIMMEL“You could not pick a worse man for speaker of the House, and keep in mind the G.O.P. just had Kevin McCarthy, so they tried.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, Republicans and Democrats are talking about a bipartisan solution to finding a speaker. That’s how crazy things have gotten; our government is so dysfunctional, it might become functional.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingUma Thurman and Jimmy Fallon compared notes about parenting daughters on Monday’s “The Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightRachel Maddow will discuss her new book, “Prequel: An American Fight Against Fascism,” on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutMadonna performing in London on Saturday, her first time on the road since 2020.Kevin Mazur/WireImage for Live NationMadonna’s career-spanning Celebration Tour is a bona fide dance party to the pop icon’s biggest hits. More