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      Late Night Comments on the Washington Commanders

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      The hosts didn’t think much of the N.F.L. team’s long-awaited new name. Jimmy Kimmel pointed out that it’s also the name of the president’s dog.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Command PerformanceThe Washington Football Team, formerly known as the Redskins, announced its new name and logo on Wednesday, rebranding as the Washington Commanders.“And just like that, she made racism disappear!” Jimmy Kimmel joked of the team’s co-owner Tanya Snyder, who handled the unveiling of the new uniforms.“The ‘W’ stands for ‘Why did it take you two years to come up with this?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL on the team’s new logo“‘The Commanders’ kind of sounds like an action movie where Dolph Lungren and Sylvester Stallone join forces to defend their assisted living facility.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s the Washington Commanders. That really feels like a waste of a drumroll.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“‘Commanders’ might be the only name more generic than ‘Football Team.’ I was hoping for something fun and new, like ‘The Washington Balloons’ or ‘The Fightin’ Dolly Partons.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Interestingly, the franchise now shares a name with President Biden’s dog, who is also named Commander. Good thing they didn’t name it after Trump’s dog. ‘The Washington Pences’ — it doesn’t have the same ring to it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The Washington Football Team announced today that it officially changed its name to the Washington Commanders, as in ‘Rams 37, Commanders 3.’” — SETH MEYERS“I mean, call them whatever you want, they haven’t been able to command a winning season since Obama was in office.” — JAMES CORDEN“To give you an idea of how fans reacted, shortly after the announcement, this is true, the word ‘terrible’ trended on Twitter, which is surprising, considering how Twitter is normally so welcoming and so positive.” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (Six More Years of Winter Edition)“This morning, all eyes were on Gobbler’s Knob, which I can’t believe I can say on CBS.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Today was Groundhog Day, and Punxsutawney Phil says we’ve got about six or seven winters left.” — SETH MEYERS“That is so unfair, because if Africans were doing [expletive] like this and you heard that we pulled animals out of the ground? Like, there are villages in Africa where people wear animal skins, and if I tried to explain that Americans use groundhogs to predict the weather, they would be like, ‘But why not just use the satellite data?’” — TREVOR NOAH“Yeah, that’s right, we spend all year telling people to trust science, then ask a large rodent to predict the weather.” — JIMMY FALLON“You know, they could just flip a coin, but coins aren’t known carriers of rabies and hepatitis, so it’s more fun to go with the groundhog.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I was thinking, actually, about Feb. 2, 2020 — two years ago exactly. We still hadn’t had a single Covid death in the United States. Exactly six weeks later, the whole country was in lockdown, six weeks to the day. But how could we have known this was coming? Who, on Feb. 2, could possibly have predicted what would happen in exactly six weeks?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And by the way, we looked into it — the Farmers’ Almanac calls the few animals who hibernate in winter ‘the seven sleepers.’ You want to know who two of the seven sleepers are? Groundhogs and bats.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Daily Show” correspondent Roy Wood Jr. profiled the creator of Proud Puffs — the “Jackie Robinson of breakfast cereal” — for this week’s Black in Business.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightNicki Minaj will appear on Thursday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutA depiction of the Anderson-Lee wedding (featuring Lily James and Sebastian Stan) in “Pam & Tommy.” In real life, the couple met, fell in love and were married in the course of four days.Erin Simkin/HuluHulu’s “Pam & Tommy” is a picaresque romp through the history of the stolen sex tape that changed pop culture. More

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      Late Night Talks Tom Brady’s Retirement

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      “You know you’ve been around a long time when you debuted the same year as ‘The Thong Song,’” Jimmy Fallon joked on Tuesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Bye-Bye, BradyQuarterback Tom Brady officially announced his retirement from the N.F.L. on Tuesday, writing on Instagram that other things require his attention.“Man, when they said everyone is quitting their jobs during the pandemic, they meant everybody,” Jimmy Fallon joked.“Other things that require my attention? That’s a weird reason to retire. It sounds like he’s got, like, household chores: ‘I’ve loved playing in the N.F.L. but I’ve got 20 years of laundry piling up, so, it’s time to call it quits.’” — TREVOR NOAH“What he’s accomplished is amazing: 22 years in the league, seven Super Bowl victories, five M.V.P. trophies, and all while eating just one almond a day.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“A quarterback retiring at 44 is like the rest of us retiring from our jobs at 95.”— JIMMY KIMMEL“Brady’s now in his mid-40s, jobless and has no real traditional work experience, so he’s going to fit right in in Florida.” — JAMES CORDEN“So Tom Brady did a lot for the Patriots and for Tampa and the sport of football, but he’s also done a lot for goats. You know, people don’t mention, before they were associated with him, they were like the twelfth-most popular farm animal.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Now, if we’re being honest, this retirement isn’t a surprise to anyone, right? What is surprising is that at 44 years old, this dude was still dominating the N.F.L. Think about it: the N.F.L., where people car accident each other for a living, and this guy was doing that in his 40s. Most people I know in their 40s are, like, ‘Ah! Ah! My back hurts — I think I slept too long.’” — TREVOR NOAH“But this is amazing. Brady is walking away with the most Super Bowl appearances, wins and M.V.P.s. It’s strange to say, but he’s basically the N.F.L.’s Meryl Streep.” — JIMMY FALLON“And now that he’s put up his cleats, the question is, was Tom Brady the best football player of all time? Some people say yes because he holds all the records and won the most Super Bowls. Other people say, ‘No, because he didn’t do that for my team!’ So it will be a big debate for a while.’”— TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Shredded Edition)“So you know how Trump had to hand over all his records related to Jan. 6? Well, when the documents, when they finally handed them over — they were forced to — many of them had been torn into pieces and had to be taped back together. They’d been personally ripped up by Trump. The National Archive didn’t explain how they know they were ripped up by Trump. My guess is tiny little barbecue sauce fingerprints.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Sounds like during the pandemic, the people at the National Archives also got into puzzles.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, it violates the Presidential Records Act to tear up official documents, but the former president had a very good reason: He was afraid of going to jail.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Trump had such a habit of ripping up important documents, they had to hire people whose job was to tape them back together. I love that Robert Mueller couldn’t get him, but Trump might finally get brought down by a roll of Scotch tape.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“According to White House advisers, he once ate a sensitive document. He would have eaten more sensitive documents, but he ran out of ranch.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingTrevor Noah and the “Daily Show” correspondent Ronny Chieng dug into the hot trend of green burials.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightMartha Stewart will appear on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutA scene from “Marry Me,” featuring Jennifer Lopez and Owen Wilson as her love interest.Universal PicturesJennifer Lopez is back on the big screen with the romantic comedy “Marry Me.” More

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      Trevor Noah: Trump Is America’s Relentless Ex

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      “And like many exes, he really wants a second chance. But instead of promising to do better next time, he’s threatening to do even worse,” Noah said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Land of Second ChancesDonald Trump held a rally on Sunday in Texas, where he said, if re-elected as president, he would consider pardoning those involved with the Capitol riot. On Monday’s “Daily Show,” Trevor Noah called Trump “the greatest con man of all time,” noting he had not pardoned those involved while he was still in office and instead let them be prosecuted.“Trump is basically the ex that America kicked out for throwing an open house party at the Capitol. And like many exes, he really wants a second chance. But instead of promising to do better next time, he’s threatening to do even worse.” — TREVOR NOAH“While the Jan. 6 select committee continues to look for the cause of the Capitol riot, the cause admitted to everything and threatened to do it again.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“If it had been him instead of O.J., the quote would have been ‘The gloves don’t fit, but you don’t need gloves to stab a guy.’” — SETH MEYERS“What a weird platform to run on for president: ‘I will pardon violent criminals.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You’ve got to admit, Trump leans on his supporters really hard. I mean, first they had to storm the Capitol because he lost the election, then their donations went to his legal fees because he’s always getting sued. Now they have to protest if he gets charged? Like, where does it end? If Trump does go to prison, is he going to make these poor people smuggle cigarettes up their butts?” — TREVOR NOAH“Even the rioters were, like, ‘Oh no, I don’t think he can say that.’” — JIMMY FALLON“There’s no better way to announce a presidential run than to say, ‘I’ll empty the jails!’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Super Bowl Surprise Edition)“The L.A. Rams are headed to the Super Bowl after a come-from-behind victory over the San Francisco 49ers. The Rams will play the Cinderella Cincinnati Bengals in the lowest-seeded matchup in Super Bowl history, meaning the teams that oddsmakers least expected to make it this far made it. To put that in non-football terms, if this was a matchup of Kardashians, it’d be like Kourtney versus Rob, OK?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Before the season, the Bengals’ odds were 150 to 1. To give you an idea, there are better odds of finding a rapid test at CVS.” — JIMMY FALLON“This is the most exciting thing to happen to Cincinnati since they found all that spaghetti under their chili.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But this is the Bengals’ first Super Bowl appearance since the ’80s. A lot has changed since then: Back then, inflation was high, there was tension with Russia, and our president was in his late 70s.” — JIMMY FALLON“And, this is crazy, the Super Bowl is being played in Los Angeles at the Rams’ home stadium. That’s right, even N.F.L. players are working from home.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, we’re two weeks away from the game and experts are wondering, if a Super Bowl doesn’t have Tom Brady, can it still be called the Super Bowl?” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon gave two puppies the task of predicting which team will win the Super Bowl.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightDavid Letterman will celebrate 40 years of “Late Night” with Seth Meyers on Tuesday.Also, Check This OutThroughout “Janet Jackson,” the highs and lows of Jackson’s career are often presented as a kind of collateral asset or damage.LifetimeThe new documentary series about Janet Jackson offered more insight into the private pop star but still doesn’t dig too deep. More

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      Late Night Supports Biden’s Supreme Court Strategy

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      Trevor Noah joked that Biden will nominate a Black woman to replace Stephen Breyer “because he cares deeply about representation and winning Georgia.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.He’s Got a TypeOn Thursday, Justice Stephen Breyer officially announced his plans to retire from the Supreme Court. President Biden reaffirmed his campaign promise to nominate a Black woman to the court, “because he cares deeply about representation and winning Georgia,” Trevor Noah joked on “The Daily Show.”“After White House press secretary Jen Psaki said yesterday that President Biden will stand by his commitment to appoint a Black woman to the Supreme Court, a Fox News panel criticized the administration’s selection process. I’ll take a wild guess and say they have exactly two problems with a Black woman.” — SETH MEYERS“Joe Biden is going to pick a Black woman who is also qualified. These people act like Biden is just going to show up at the mall and be, like, ‘Yo, Shaniqua, come with me.’ ‘Uh, my name is Regina.’ ‘It doesn’t matter — just put on these robes, I need help with abortion.’” — TREVOR NOAH“No, she’s going to be qualified — and why is that a bad thing? Why not make the Supreme Court a little more representative of the country it represents? I mean, their rulings impact the lives of every person in the country, so it would be nice to have at least one justice on there who’s had to ask the Walgreens guy to unlock the shampoo shelf.” — TREVOR NOAH“At the same time, I also hear what the Fox people are saying, you know? It shouldn’t matter whether you’re Black or white, this position should only go to the most qualified judge who also thinks that guns are people.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Minnie’s New Look Edition)“In honor of the park’s 30th anniversary and Women’s History Month in March, Disneyland Paris announced yesterday that Minnie Mouse will wear a dark blue and black, polka-dotted pantsuit designed by Stella McCartney. Unfortunately, that still won’t make up for the fact that you brought your wife to Paris and then took her to Disneyland.” — SETH MEYERS“Minnie’s new look will debut in March at Disneyland Paris, which is just like regular Disneyland, only more existential.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Unfortunately, Donald Duck is still running around with his cloaca out, just waving in the wind.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s a fun little story, and you’d have to be a desperate, culture war troll to take issue with it, which is why Fox News took issue with it.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“No one is talking about Minnie Mouse on the other channels. If Minnie Mouse getting a new outfit upsets you, I would recommend turning 4 years old.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Honestly, genuinely, I’d wear it.” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee made a case for why Kyrsten Sinema has annoyed Democrats for longer than most Americans might be aware.Also, Check This Out“Playing ‘Jeopardy!’ has been the most fun I’ve ever had and I didn’t want it to end,” Amy Schneider said. “I knew it would some time, but it was tough to realize that the moment was finally there.”via Jeopardy Productions, Inc.Amy Schneider’s whirlwind “Jeopardy!” winning streak ended with a loss during her 41st game on Wednesday. More

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      Late Night Reflects on Stephen Breyer’s Retirement Plan

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      “Yep, at 83, Breyer only has two options: either retire or play quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers,” Jimmy Fallon said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Bye Bye, BreyerThe big news on Wednesday was Justice Stephen Breyer’s plan to retire from the Supreme Court.“Yep, at 83, Breyer only has two options: either retire or play quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers,” Jimmy Fallon said.“Unfortunately for Breyer, this is the only job in which you wear less robes after you retire. I hope he knows that.” — JAMES CORDEN“This is big, y’all. Justice Breyer is retiring. Yeah, probably to focus more on his ice cream brand.” — TREVOR NOAH“He says he’s ‘retiring.’ I think we know what’s really going on: He’s pregnant.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yep, Breyer said he wants to retire so he can spend more time looking like a wise shopkeeper from a Hallmark Christmas movie.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, it was clear Breyer has been thinking about this. During the last case, the only question he asked was, ‘When’s nap time?’” — JIMMY FALLON“This comes after a yearlong, high-pressure campaign to get Breyer to step down while Democrats still have control of the Senate, which included a billboard truck that drove around Washington, D.C., that said ‘Breyer, retire.’ Youchers, that has got to sting. That’s like if I walked up to the Ed Sullivan Theater and the building said, ‘Quit.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (The Replacements Edition)“Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer is reportedly planning to retire at the end of the current term, which would allow President Biden to appoint a successor. Said Mitch McConnell, ‘With only three years left in his term? I don’t think so.” — SETH MEYERS“So Democrats have been relentlessly pestering Breyer to step down so that they can replace him before Mitch McConnell comes back into power and makes a rule that all Supreme Court justices have to have been platinum QAnon members in the past.” — TREVOR NOAH“Don’t be shocked when Mitch still makes it happen. He’s just going to come out like, ‘It is a longstanding Senate tradition that we cannot confirm a Supreme Court justice in a year where there is a new season of ‘Ozark’ on Netflix.’” — TREVOR NOAH“Although this does pave the way for President Biden to choose his replacement, to which Merrick Garland said, ‘Hahahahaha.’” — JAMES CORDEN“Joe Biden should nominate Anita Hill to be on the Supreme Court. Now how good would that be?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Late Show” writer Eliana Kwartler explained hot new fashion trends like “jellyfishing” and “indie sleaze” to her boss, Stephen Colbert.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe “Afterparty” star Ilana Glazer will pop by Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutBill T. Jones, far right, working on the choreography of “Black No More” with cast members.Douglas Segars for The New York TimesThe new show “Black No More” is inspired by a 1931 novel about race relations during the Harlem Renaissance. More

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      Trevor Noah Blasts Robert Kennedy Jr. for Invoking Anne Frank

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      Noah said anti-vaxxers gathering to hear from Kennedy might have found him leaning too liberal for believing in the Holocaust.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.To Be FrankThousands of Americans attended a Sunday rally protesting vaccine mandates in Washington, D.C. On Monday’s “Daily Show,” Trevor Noah joked they were gathering to “hear why vaccine mandates are worse than Hitler,” after the keynote speaker, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., argued that Anne Frank was better off hiding in an attic during the Holocaust than being alive today.“Yeah, the man is right — who could argue? No one ever talks about how good Anne Frank had it: free room and board, all the time in the world to write — pretty sweet deal if you ask me.” — TREVOR NOAH“I will say, though, crazy is relative because R.F.K. may be saying wild [expletive] about the Holocaust, but half the people he’s talking to don’t even believe the Holocaust happened. Yeah, they’re just standing there like, ‘Anne Frank? Didn’t realize this guy was such a liberal.’” — TREVOR NOAH“Robert obviously never actually finished the book.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It must have been so disappointing. Some of these whack jobs — you know, they’ve been expecting J.F.K. Jr. to come back to life. Instead, they got R.F.K. Jr. It’s like going see the Jackson Five and only Tito shows up.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Robert Kennedy is a notorious longtime anti-vaxxer. Interesting to note, though: He did have a Christmas party at his house last month, and in order to come in you had to show proof of vaccination, in his house, but he blamed that on his wife, so it’s OK.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Good Games Edition)“Well, guys, this weekend was the divisional round of the N.F.L. playoffs, and after all four games were decided on the final play, people are calling it the greatest playoff weekend of all time. Well, everyone from Buffalo, Green Bay, Tennessee, and Tampa are like not, ‘Eh, not so much.’” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, Tom Brady and the defending champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers were knocked out of the playoffs. Brady is really not used to losing — he normally commutes home via parade.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, it was a weekend of upsets on Saturday, Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers hosted the San Francisco 49ers and lost in Green Bay. In other words, Aaron Rodgers failed his at-home test.” — JIMMY FALLON“It was crazy to see Tom Brady — it was like the Coyote finally caught the Road Runner and ate him right there on TV.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Aaron Rogers, you may recall, was caught in a series of lies about his vaccination status earlier in the season. Before the game, he lashed out at President Biden, said we have a fake White House, a bunch of other stuff befitting a man who has been hit in the head a lot of times.”— JIMMY KIMMEL“Also great to hear someone say ‘He caught it,’ and it’s not about Omicron.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Late Show” guest Kristen Stewart revealed that she was originally supposed to work opposite Nicole Kidman in “Panic Room.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightJeremy O. Harris, who wrote “Slave Play,” will appear on Tuesday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutLouie Anderson based his performance as a matriarch in “Baskets” on his own mother.Prashant Gupta/FXThe late Louie Anderson is remembered for, among other things, playing one of the greatest television characters on the FX comedy “Baskets.” More

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      Late Night Celebrates One Year of President Biden

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      “A year ago, Biden pledged to address Covid, the economy, climate change and racial injustice. And good news — after 12 months of tireless effort, we’re all getting three free masks,” Jimmy Fallon said.Welcome to the Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.One Long YearThursday marked the end of President Biden’s first year in the White House.“When asked what he’s learned, Biden said, ‘Being vice president was a hell of a lot more fun,’” Jimmy Fallon joked.“President Biden said yesterday that his first year in office has been ‘a year of challenges,’ but he’d rather focus on the positives, like your Covid test.” — SETH MEYERS“It seems like just yesterday our democracy was being held hostage by a cabal of obstructionists who didn’t want every vote counted. Oh, wait, that was yesterday.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“A year ago, Biden pledged to address Covid, the economy, climate change and racial injustice. And good news — after 12 months of tireless effort, we’re all getting three free masks.” — JIMMY FALLON“President Biden yesterday held a 1 hour 51 minute press conference. It was the first thing Americans actually wished Joe Manchin had stopped.” — SETH MEYERS“A lot of people are disappointed with President Biden. His approval rating just reached a new low after his press conference yesterday. The press conference was a success in that he went nearly two hours without having to pee.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He promised no malarkey, but lawyers made him change it to ‘produced in a facility that also processes malarkey.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Unvoting Voting Edition)“Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema believe so strongly in the power of voting that they use their vote to block voting rights for the entire country. They were unvoting voting by voting.” — TREVOR NOAH“I mean, say what you will about the Democrats, but never has a party been on a hotter streak of getting absolutely nothing done.” — JAMES CORDEN“The big takeaway is the people you voted for, voted to make it harder for you to vote.” — JAMES CORDEN“Republicans want to add restrictions to voting because they are worried about voter fraud, even though it’s almost completely nonexistent, voter fraud. Hey, you know what? You guys believe climate change is nonexistent, right? How about coming up with some restrictions for that? Let’s compromise on this.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You can’t compromise with the side that’s doing the damage. When you’re putting out a fire, you don’t call the Fire Department and the arsonist, and see what they can work out together.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden talked with Rachel Brosnahan and Ed Helms about the celebrities they are frequently mistaken for on Thursday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutImages from the Barbed-Wire Kisses panel at the 1992 Sundance Film Festival.Sandria Miller for Sundance InstituteThis year’s Sundance marks 30 years since the festival held its first panel on New Queer Cinema, a sea change for L.G.B.T.Q. film. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Not Surprised by Trump Fraud Allegations

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      “The walls appear to be closing in on Trump — big, beautiful walls,” Kimmel said, as new details emerged from an investigation into the ex-president’s family business.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Male Pattern Fraudness’Late-night hosts were not surprised to hear that New York State’s attorney general, Letitia James, is accusing Donald Trump’s family business of repeatedly misrepresenting the value of its assets.“One year ago today, Donald Trump was still in the White House, throwing chicken nuggets at the TV, and one year from today, he could be in jail,” Jimmy Kimmel said.“According to documents filed by the attorney general in New York last night, they’ve uncovered evidence that indicates the Trump Organization repeatedly engaged in ‘fraudulent or misleading’ practices. The walls appear to be closing in on Trump — big, beautiful walls.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“James says that her office has uncovered significant evidence that the former president fraudulently valued multiple assets, including his own private residence. He claimed the triplex apartment was 30,000 square feet in size, but the actual size was just under 11,000 square feet. Yeah, that’s no surprise — he’s known for falsely tripling the size of his assets.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You know how when people are shocked, they spit out their water? When I heard Donald Trump exaggerated the value of his assets for the purposes of lying to banks and the I.R.S., it was so the reverse of shocking, I sucked the water back into my mouth.” — SETH MEYERS“But this is nice, they’re interviewing Donald Jr., Ivanka, and have already talked to Eric, making this the first time Tiffany was happy to be excluded.” — JAMES CORDEN“But it’s a fairly straightforward case. To find fraud in a business, you just have to look for the signs — particularly the signs at the top of the building that say ‘Trump’ on them — and you will find it there. There is where you will find his male pattern fraudness.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I mean, at the same time, Donald Trump does not give a [expletive]. Let’s be honest: This dude will brag about himself even if it gets him in trouble. I bet when a cop asks him if he knows how fast he was going, he’s like, ‘Yeah, I do, 400 billion miles a second, the fastest anyone has ever gone. I was so fast. So fast.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (How Long Was It? Edition)“President Biden today gave his first press conference in a long time, and it went on for a long time. It may be still going, I don’t know.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It comes one day before his presidency hits the one-year mark, and he used the opportunity to highlight his administration’s key successes — successes such as vaccinating millions of Americans, low unemployment, and casually hooking up with Pete Davidson.” — JAMES CORDEN“And this was smart: to make Biden look good, they had the C.D.C. director go out first and open for him.” — JIMMY FALLON“The press conference kicked off at 4 p.m. You can tell it was really important for Biden because that’s right in the middle of dinner.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, it was his first formal press conference at the White House since March of last year. In Biden’s defense, that one just wrapped up a few days ago.” — JIMMY FALLON“For almost two hours, Biden took question after question about Russia, Covid, voter rights. He really got into why Denny’s breakfast menu is so sticky all the time.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The president took a lot of questions, too many questions. You know how at the end of most press conferences, the reporters are yelling ‘Mr. President, Mr. President!’? At the end of this one, they were like, ‘Goodbye. We’re good. We got plenty.’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Wednesday’s “Tonight Show,” Christine Baranski said fans who mistake her for her sophisticated characters wouldn’t believe how loud she gets when watching the Buffalo Bills.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightTwitter legend Dionne Warwick will pop by Thursday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutSince the Trump mask incident, Griffin has been trying to make her way back, brushing up against obstacles like partisan rage, sexism, pill addiction, lung cancer and her own reputation.Chantal Anderson for The New York TimesKathy Griffin’s career hasn’t recovered from a 2017 Trump joke, and now she’s hoping to find her way back onto the D-list. More