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      Stephen Colbert Projects Joe Biden Is Still President

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      The “Late Show” host celebrated the results of an Arizona audit that confirmed Trump’s 2020 loss.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Biggest LoserStephen Colbert was happy on Monday night to project that Joseph R. Biden Jr. is still president 11 months after the election, following a Republican-led audit in Arizona’s largest county that confirmed that President Biden not only beat Donald J. Trump, but by a larger margin than previously counted.“He really did get tired of winning!” Colbert said of Trump.“So Trump and the Arizona G.O.P. were humiliated after they spent millions to hire a group of right-wing tech weirdos called the Cyber Ninjas, which sounds like an off-brand action figure your grandma would buy you at the Dollar Store.” — SETH MEYERS“And turns out, not only did the Ninjas find ‘no substantial differences’ between their tally and the official count, they actually found 99 more votes for Biden and 261 fewer for Donald Trump. I would have loved to have been there when they broke that news to him.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Maybe Trump and the G.O.P. will just have to keep bringing in crazier right-wing groups with dumber and dumber names until they finally get the results they want, like the Robo Rockets or the Digi Pirates or the Crypto Cowboys.” — SETH MEYERS“So they hired MAGA fans and even they couldn’t say that No. 45 won. That’s like hiring your mom to judge the handsomest boy contest and still losing to a 78-year-old guy from Delaware.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Bearing Arms Edition)“Well, guys, this afternoon President Biden received his Covid booster shot on camera, in front of reporters. When they offered Biden the booster, he said, ‘I’ll take one in my arm and another for my approval rating.’” — JIMMY FALLON“This comes just a few days after both the F.D.A. and C.D.C. approved it. How did Biden get to the front of that line? I reckon he knows someone.” — JAMES CORDEN“The actual shot only took a second, and then Joe Biden spent 10 minutes haggling over which flavor lollipop he could have.” — JAMES CORDEN“The good news is, it should give President Biden the all-clear to join the Brooklyn Nets for the start of the N.B.A. season, so you’ve got that to look forward to.” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingOn “The Daily Show,” Roy Wood Jr. portrayed Francis Scott Key while breaking down Key’s iconic banger, “The Star-Spangled Banner.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightGabrielle Union will appear on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutBeck Bennett, a veteran “Saturday Night Live” cast member, is not returning to the show. Its 47th season begins Saturday.Dana Edelson/NBCBeck Bennett, known for his impersonations of Wolf Blitzer and Mike Pence on “Saturday Night Live,” will exit the show after eight years. More

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      Seth Meyers Scorns Trump for Suing His Own Niece

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      “Fortunately, his lawyer has experience suing family members, since Rudy sued his cousin for divorce,” Meyers said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.All in the FamilyOn Thursday’s “Late Night,” Seth Meyers talked about how nice it had been not having to think or care about Donald Trump lately.“It’s like when you finally get a cast removed and you get to shower without taping a plastic bag to your arm,” he said.But Trump has been back in the news for a number of reasons, including his lawsuit against The New York Times and Mary Trump, his niece, over his leaked tax records.“Imagine suing your own niece. I mean, fortunately, his lawyer has experience suing family members, since Rudy sued his cousin for divorce.” — SETH MEYERS“His lawsuit claims Mary Trump was motivated by ‘a personal vendetta and the desire to gain fame, notoriety, acclaim and a financial windfall,’ which are the same reasons he ran for president.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The real victim is the guy who lost a billion dollars while pretending to be a self-made tycoon in Pizza Hut commercials.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump has so many legal problems, CNN doesn’t have even time to go through them all. CNN! They’re a 24-hour news network — all they do is the news. It’s not like they hand it off at 4 p.m. to their baking show ‘The Knead With Jake Tapper,’ or their 5 p.m. dating show ‘On the Prowl With the Wolf.’” — SETH MEYERS“Kind of feels like we are in ‘The Purge’ and Donald Trump is the only one who’s allowed to break laws. Like, he can just walk around and do whatever he wants and the feds for some reason can’t touch him. At this point, Trump could park his car in front of a fire hydrant and instead of towing him, they’d just let the building burn down.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Booster Edition)“Earlier today, the C.D.C. granted emergency authorization to Pfizer for Covid booster shots, but only for high-risk individuals and people age 65 or over. After the last 18 months, we’ve all had — we all, I think, feel 65 or older, don’t we?” — JAMES CORDEN“And to make sure only seniors get the shot, the vaccination site is a Denny’s between the hours of 3:00 and 4:15. The password is ‘I miss pay phones.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“A booster shot for older people. Now you are going to have people in Hollywood lying about their age in the opposite direction. They’ll be like, ‘I’m 29, but I can play 72!’” — JAMES CORDEN“So, yeah, I guess Covid shots are like iPhones now. You think are you all upgraded to the latest and greatest, and a few months later they have a new vaccine with an extra camera.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingMichael Strahan and Jimmy Fallon posed as wax versions of themselves to surprise fans at Madame Tussauds on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutElisha Williams in “The Wonder Years.” A new version of the nostalgic sitcom follows a Black family in Montgomery, Ala., in 1968.Erika Doss/ABCA reboot of “The Wonder Years” puts a twist on TV’s usual take on nostalgia by following a Black family in 1968. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Makes an Intriguing Offer to Logan Paul

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      The YouTube personality called Kimmel out for referring to him as one of the worst people in the world — alongside Donald Trump.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘I’ll Introduce You to Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’The YouTube personality Logan Paul called out Jimmy Kimmel this week for referring to him and Donald Trump as “the very worst people in the world” during a recent broadcast. Kimmel apologized on Thursday night to Paul, who affectionately referred to him as “J.K.” during his complaint and said he’d opened up to Kimmel about missing a testicle.“Oh, come on now. Had I known you fondly called me ‘J.K.’ I never would have said any of that stuff,” Kimmel said.“I’m sorry, L.P. I hope we can be bros again, dude. I really do, and I’m sorry about your testicle. I forgot about that. You know what? To make up for it, I’m gonna give you one of my testicles. Or, wait a minute — I just thought of something. Maybe I’ll introduce you to Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend. This guy, he’s got more testicle than he knows what to do with.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (SpaceX Edition)“Last night, SpaceX made history when it launched the first all-tourist crew into orbit. Sadly, one of them forgot to tell Verizon he’s traveling, so now he’s up there like, ‘Damn it, I’ve been roaming this whole time.’” — JIMMY FALLON“This is the first orbital mission in the history of spaceflight staffed entirely by nonprofessionals. No one on board is an astronaut; none of them have any training. One of them is a geologist. So if there’s an emergency, they’ll at least know what kind of rock they’re gonna crash into.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“These are the four winners of the golden ticket. They include a billionaire, a cancer survivor, a geologist and a raffle winner. All they’re missing is the professor and Mary Ann.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“[Imitating SpaceX passenger] Houston, we have a problem, but I have no idea what the problem is, since I own a chain of laundromats. I have already cleaned the lint trap. I’m gonna try putting in more quarters.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Imagine that — going on a rocket, no one on board is qualified to fly? It’s like if Spirit Airlines went to space.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“By the way, if you’re not real astronauts, I feel like you shouldn’t get to pose like the crew from Apollo 13.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But you have to love humans — we just launched four civilians into orbit on a recreational spaceflight. We’re still more interested in uncovering the mystery of Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s balls.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingLeVar Burton talked with Trevor Noah about two of his favorite things: reading and “Jeopardy.”Also, Check This OutA scene from “My Name Is Pauli Murray.” The documentarian Betsy West, who made the film with Julie Cohen, said, “We just thought, why didn’t anybody teach us about this person?”  Amazon StudiosA new documentary highlights the unsung influence of the activist, lawyer and minister Pauli Murray. More

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      Late Night Takes Lots of Jabs at Nicki Minaj

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      The rapper’s tweets about her cousin’s friend, who she said had swollen testicles after taking the Covid vaccine, set off a flood of commentary.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.A Swell GuyOn Tuesday’s late-night shows, Nicki Minaj’s tweets about her cousin’s friend in Trinidad who she said got swollen testicles after receiving the Covid vaccine were a hot topic.On Wednesday, the rapper responded to the hosts who had poked fun, including Jimmy Kimmel, who asked to be connected with the afflicted man, saying he had questions.“And I guess Nicki saw it, because she reached out on Twitter,” Kimmel said. “She wrote: ‘He’s willing to talk for the right price. I’m his manager. Call me, Jimmy.’ Which was exciting. Don’t have Nicki’s number, and I do want to get an idea of what kind of money we’re talking about, so I wrote back, ‘Does he charge by the pound?’”Tuesday’s “Late Show” parodied Minaj’s hit “Super Bass,” which Minaj found amusing, writing that she wasn’t upset because she “rlly” likes Stephen Colbert.“Nicki, for the record, I ‘rlly’ like you, too,” Colbert said on Wednesday. “That’s why I want you to get vaccinated so you can come on the show again, because without a shot, the network ‘rlly’ won’t let you come on.”The Punchiest Punchlines (Crisis Averted Edition)“California Gov. Gavin Newsom yesterday defeated a recall attempt by a nearly 2-to-1 margin, and Newsom was so relieved, his hair unclenched.” — SETH MEYERS“Sorry, California Republicans, I know you spent 20 months and millions of dollars on this recall, but you know what they say.: You win some, but not in California.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Did he win? Can you win an election you didn’t want to happen?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The cost to our state was about $300 million, which I think is the third-most-expensive dinner at French Laundry ever.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The race was called for Newsom less than an hour after the polls closed. Less than an hour. Amazing how fast an election can end when Rudy Giuliani isn’t involved, isn’t it?”— JIMMY FALLON“The election was called so early, Newsom was able to get his beauty sleep, which, by the looks of him, is like 17 hours a day.” — JAMES CORDEN“In fact, there were three options on the ballot that said ‘yes,’ ‘no’ and ‘This is a bigger waste of time than driving into L.A.X.’” — SETH MEYERS“A vast majority of Californians voted no on the recall. So many people marked no, it was like the R.S.V.P.s for a destination wedding.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingOn “Full Frontal,” Samantha Bee skewered conservatives for perpetuating vaccine misinformation and mixed messaging.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightSeth Meyers will host the cast of “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” for the last time on Thursday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutSamantha Bee and other late-night hosts will focus their Sept. 22 episodes on climate change. “We need to not be submerged underwater in order to have successful late-night shows,” she said.TBSLate-night hosts will address climate change on their respective shows as part of Climate Night on Sept. 22. More

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      Rudy Giuliani’s Rowdy 9/11 Speech Leaves Late-Night Hosts Reeling

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      ‘I’m not saying Rudy was drunk, but that’s usually when guys from Brooklyn start to imitate the queen of England,’ Seth Meyers said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘What Is He Doing?’This weekend’s 20th anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks would not appear to be very good fodder for lighthearted late-night humor. But that was until Rudy Giuliani got involved.On Saturday, Giuliani turned a speech commemorating the occasion into a wandering, unfunny but still-comic monologue. He impersonated Queen Elizabeth II and reminisced awkwardly about his run-ins with Prince Andrew.Trevor Noah was one of many late-night hosts who responded with baffled amusement.“You know your speech went off the rails when people watching it are like: ‘I wish this guy would talk more about 9/11. What is he doing?’” — TREVOR NOAHOn “Late Night,” Seth Meyers said there was reason to agree with the commentators who suggested that Giuliani was not in full command of his faculties.“I’m not saying Rudy was drunk, but that’s usually when guys from Brooklyn start to imitate the queen of England.” — SETH MEYERS“I guess Rudy can add this tape to his reel of impressions if he ever auditions for ‘America’s Not Talent.’” — SETH MEYERSTaco Bell EnvironmentalismTaco Bell recently started a program that aims to help customers recycle the plastic from used sauce packets by having them mail those packets back.Noah said the idea deserved points for creativity but probably wouldn’t actually do much to help the environment.“This idea has all sorts of problems with it. For one thing, people who eat at Taco Bell don’t care about the environment. I mean, they don’t even care about their own bodies.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yeah, this is a weird idea, but what did you expect? Coming up with weird ideas is Taco Bell’s whole thing. This is a place that will still wrap a soft shell around a hard shell and wrap that inside a Dorito’s chip — which is delicious, but you really think their idea to save the environment is going to make sense?” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (M.T.A. Edition)“At the Washington Football Team’s season opener, a pipe at the stadium burst over a group of fans, and some people said it might have been sewage. I don’t know; take a look. [Shows footage] Well, that’s a good omen for the season, you know? Washington is still looking for a team name; it’s too bad the Browns are already taken.” — JIMMY FALLON“An investigation concluded last week that a recent M.T.A. subway outage that shut down 83 trains was caused by someone accidentally flipping a power switch. Said one man, ‘So thaaaat’s what it does.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingDr. Anthony Fauci talked to Noah about combating vaccine hesitancy and what he called the need for vaccine mandates.Jimmy Kimmel’s wife, Molly McNearney, came up with a skit that allows her to declutter their house at the same time: It’s called “Win Jimmy’s Crap.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightJustice Stephen Breyer, who at 83 has been fending off calls from fellow liberals to step down, will talk to Stephen Colbert on Tuesday. Will Colbert hold his feet to the fire?Also, Check This OutThe Metropolitan Opera performed Verdi’s Requiem on Saturday, the company’s first time playing inside its theater since March 2020.Richard Termine/Met OperaAnthony Tommasini, The Times’s chief classical music critic, gave an enthusiastic review to the first performance at the Metropolitan Opera since the start of the coronavirus pandemic: a staging on Saturday of Verdi’s Requiem in commemoration of 9/11. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel: Herd Immunity Doesn’t Mean Taking Horse Medicine

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      “Vaxxed and waxed. He wants his mailmen smooth,” Kimmel joked of President Biden’s new vaccine requirements for federal employees on Thursday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘The Variants Are Coming!’On Thursday, President Biden announced new vaccine requirements for federal employees and contractors, health care workers and those working at companies with more than 100 employees.“And, of course, a lot of people are upset about this,” Jimmy Kimmel said. “They don’t want to be told what to do — not even by the doctors who they will eventually rush to to beg for help when they get sick.”“Vaxxed and waxed. He wants his mailmen smooth.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This really does feel like when your dad stops threatening and actually does turn the car around.” — JAMES CORDEN“But you know, there’s a reason pandemic movies end when the hero finds the cure for the disease. There’s no ‘Contagion’ sequel with Matt Damon running around trying to convince everyone to take the vaccine — they just take the vaccine. And thank God, by the way — he sucks. We don’t need more movies with him.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Vaccine mandates have a proud history in this country. During a smallpox outbreak in 1777, George Washington required his troops to be immunized. And who can forget the immortal words of Paul Revere: ‘One if by J.&J., two if by Pfizer. The variants are coming! The variants are coming!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But, still, I don’t know, like a quarter of the country thinks herd immunity means they should be taking livestock medicine instead of the vaccination.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Biden said it’s time to stop horsing around — and then he was like, ‘No, seriously, stop taking horse medicine.’” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (She’s Back Edition)“The Biden administration yesterday removed 18 military academy board members that were appointed by Trump, including haunted Dollar Store Barbie doll Kellyanne Conway. Which, there’s a name I haven’t said in a while: Kellyanne Conway. I’m not gonna say it any more times. I’ve seen ‘Candyman.’ I know what might happen.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Why were there still any Trump holdovers anyway? That’s like moving into a rent-controlled apartment the last guy died in and keeping all the expired whitefish in the refrigerator.” — SETH MEYERS“And why was Kellyanne Conway on an Air Force advisory board? If she ever flew an F-16 or what she probably calls an F-17, I guess we would end up in a ravine, her standing on a tarmac in a parachute claiming it was a successful landing.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingStephen Colbert spoke with Steve Burns from “Blues Clues,” who went viral this week with a heartfelt video that addressed his abrupt departure from the beloved children’s show close to 20 years ago.Also, Check This OutSeth Meyers was among Kelly Clarkson’s guests during a string of New York episodes taped at Jazz at Lincoln Center.Weiss Eubanks/NBCAfter two years of her daytime show, much of that during a pandemic, Kelly Clarkson has hit her stride as a talk show host. More

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      Samantha Bee Blasts Supreme Court for Allowing the Texas Abortion Ban

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      The “Full Frontal” host wasn’t happy about the state’s law, which outlaws abortion after six weeks, or the high court’s decision not to block it.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Taking Issue With TexasSamantha Bee lashed out on Wednesday at the Supreme Court’s conservative majority, after the court refused to block a law that has effectively ended legal abortion in Texas.The Texas law effectively outlaws abortion after six weeks of pregnancy — earlier than many women realize they are pregnant.“Technically, you’re six weeks pregnant just two weeks after you miss a period — which is a [beep] nightmare, because periods can be irregular for all kinds of reasons. I skipped a period when I started this job and at the 2018 People’s Choice Awards when Willem Dafoe looked at me too hard. (That was before he became Willem Dafriend.)” — SAMANTHA BEEBee quoted from Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s ardent dissent, in which the justice said her colleagues had refused “to enjoin a flagrantly unconstitutional law” and instead “opted to bury their heads in the sand.”“Damn, I haven’t seen heard a Supreme Court justice speak that passionately about a case since Sandra Day O’Connor’s decision on Kramer v. Kramer. She chose ‘Seinfeld’ Kramer! She said the laughter he brings is almost unconstitutional.” — SAMANTHA BEEReacting to a tweet from Gov. Kristi Noem of South Dakota suggesting that her state might emulate the Texas law, Bee paused on Noem’s mention of South Dakota’s official “unborn child advocate.” Then the host put up a picture (rather unflattering) of Mark Miller, the man who holds that position, and delivered a few blows that were aimed at his face but still felt below the belt.“It’s weird that he’s pro-life because with a face like that, I would want to be dead.” — SAMANTHA BEE“You can’t be pro-birth if you look like you broke out of a cloning pod before you finished.” — SAMANTHA BEE“We need to fight this oppressive law, and all the others that come after it, because no person should be forced to give birth — or look into this man’s face. I just missed my period again.” — SAMANTHA BEEHaving Fun With Virus FrustrationOn “The Tonight Show,” when Jimmy Fallon touched on President Biden’s attempts to control the coronavirus pandemic, his jokes were tinged with cynicism.“Tomorrow, President Biden is giving a major speech on the next phase of his pandemic response. Americans said they can’t wait to hear the speech, and then crowded into a bar for tomorrow’s N.F.L. kickoff.” — JIMMY FALLON“Biden will lay out a six-pronged strategy. And apparently one prong is building a border wall between the U.S. and Florida.” — JIMMY FALLONJimmy Kimmel sounded like he was equally fed up with antimaskers.“Maybe they should have a separate airline for people who won’t wear a mask: JetFlu.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Delta Air Lines Edition)“A 4-year-old girl named Scarlett just climbed her 48th mountain peak. That’s great, but she doesn’t have Instagram, so did it really happen?” — JIMMY FALLON“The C.E.O. of the airline Delta has revealed he’s still refusing to call it the Delta variant. That’s important, I can totally understand that, because being associated with a communicable disease is not great for business. That’s why stores no longer carry the tasty Syphilis Jam. You remember their motto: ‘Nothing spreads like Syphilis!’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingSeth Meyers offered his own criticisms of the Supreme Court’s decision on the Texas abortion law.Will exposure therapy help Guillermo overcome a lifelong fear of snakes?What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightOn “The Late Show” on Thursday, Sarah Paulson will talk about playing Linda Tripp on the new FX series “Impeachment: American Crime Story,” and the country singer Kacey Musgraves will perform a song from her new album, “Star-Crossed.”Also, Check This OutLindsey Buckingham’s self-titled solo album, his first since being ousted from Fleetwood Mac in 2018, is due this month.Chantal Anderson for The New York TimesLindsey Buckingham is once again an ex-member of Fleetwood Mac, after his long-simmering tensions with Stevie Nicks bubbled over (not for the first time). He has a new solo album out. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Skewers ‘Pan-dimwits’ Taking Horse Dewormer

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      “Meanwhile, these poor horses are like: ‘Hey, I have worms — I need that stuff. There are worms in my butt, do you understand?’” Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Still Horsing AroundJimmy Kimmel returned to his show on Tuesday after taking the summer off.“I leave you people alone for two months, you start taking horse worm medicine?” the host said.Kimmel offered a name for people who have taken the medicine, ivermectin, as a supposed cure for Covid-19: “pan-dimwits.” There is no evidence that the drug is effective against Covid, and the health authorities have warned that it could pose a serious danger to humans.“So you will probably still get Covid, but on the bright side, you could win the Preakness.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Poison-control centers across the country have seen a spike in calls from people taking livestock medicine to fight the coronavirus, but they won’t take the vaccine, which is crazy. It’s like if you’re a vegan and you’re like, ‘No, I don’t want a hamburger — give me that can of Alpo instead.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Worst of all, it tastes yucky. Luckily, the internet is loaded with advice on how to make it more palatable, including mixing it with jellies or eating it as a sandwich. Or throw it on your roast beef — technically, it is horsey sauce.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“In fact, it says right on the label: ‘For a horse’s [expletive].’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“One of the reasons these Sea Biscuits are opting for ivermectin is because they don’t trust ‘big pharma.’ Which is fine, I guess, except for the fact that ivermectin is made by Merck, which is the fourth-largest pharmaceutical company in the world.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Listen, if a pharmaceutical company says, ‘Please don’t take the drug we’re selling,’ you should probably listen to them. Or you could just go with a TikTok posted by a disgraced veterinarian instead.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Meanwhile, these poor horses are like, ‘Hey, I have worms — I need that stuff. There are worms in my butt, do you understand?’”— JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Worst Butt Dial Ever Edition)“And finally, I read that surgeons successfully removed a Nokia cellphone from a man’s body after he swallowed it whole. The kids were so embarrassed. They’re like, ‘Dad, please swallow an iPhone next time.’” — JIMMY FALLON“He swallowed a Nokia phone. More like Choke-ia phone.” — JAMES CORDEN“His phone got wet and he needed to put it in rice immediately, but he had eaten all of his rice.” — JAMES CORDEN“Even worse, after four days, the man still had zero notifications.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s why I always buy the extra-long 10-foot charge cord, always. I know it’s a little bit more, but you’re happy you paid that money when you’re like, ‘Got it!’”— JAMES CORDEN“When reached for a comment, the man said he didn’t swallow it — it was just the worst butt dial ever.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingAmber Ruffin challenged Texas on its new abortion ban and made the case for a federally funded pedicure on Tuesday’s “Late Night.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightHolland Taylor (“The Chair”) will sit down with Stephen Colbert on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutSarah Paulson, left, as Linda Tripp and Beanie Feldstein as Monica Lewinsky in “Impeachment: American Crime Story” on FX.Antony Platt/FX“American Crime Story: Impeachment” focuses less on the White House and more on the women who were involved with and affected by the scandal. More