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      Late Night Mines Laughs From Trump’s Biden Replacement Theory

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      “You’re saying that the Joe Biden who doesn’t even know where he is, is actually an incredibly advanced cloned robot? How much ketamine are you on?” Jon Stewart asked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Joe-boCop?On Saturday night, President Trump amplified a conspiracy theory on social media about former President Joe Biden that posited falsely that the former president had been replaced by a robot clone. While mindful to note that this was likely meant “to distract us,” as Jon Stewart said on “The Daily Show,” late night hosts couldn’t help but tackle the topic like the sci-fi movie it needs to be — with incredulity.“You’re saying that the Joe Biden who doesn’t even know where he is, is actually an incredibly advanced cloned robot? How much ketamine are you on?” — JON STEWART“You can’t be a robot and a clone, OK?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“How is this not on the front page of everything? The president of the United States is spreading deranged stories about his predecessor being a robot.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It was a perfect plan with only one flaw: The Joe Bot couldn’t recognize George Clooney.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Hey, Republicans. Remember when you were very concerned Joe might not have the mental acuity to be president? Come get your guy, because he thinks Biden was executed and replaced by a clone, a ‘robotic clone.’ I mean, if your dad was saying stuff like this, you’d start looking for an assisted-living facility.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The media needs to stop being polite when they report this stuff. This is the headline from NBC: ‘Trump Shares Unfounded Conspiracy Theory Claiming Biden Was “Executed” in 2020.’ Never mind ‘unfounded,’ this is not even a theory. That headline should be ‘Convicted Felon Posts Insane Fairy Tale About Cancer Patient While Constipated on Toilet.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And, by the way, whoever built that Joe Biden robot is very bad at building robots. I mean, if anyone was replaced by a robotic clone, it’s Melania, right?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Side Effects Edition)“Trump was effusive in his praise for Musk. He thanked him for working ‘tirelessly.’ Well, yeah, of course he was working tirelessly. They say he was gobbling down 20 different kinds of uppers every day when he was there.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Over the weekend, The New York Times published a crazy story about Elon Musk, claiming, among other things, that he was taking ecstasy, psychedelic mushrooms, pills believed to be Adderall, and so much ketamine it was affecting his bladder control, which is a delightful detail. Between him and Trump, that Oval Office has got to smell like an abandoned nursing home.” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Digests Trump’s Crypto Dinner

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      “Listen, he’s only corrupt in his free time, guys,” Kimmel said of the president. “When he’s in the Oval Office, he’s by the book. This is all completely on the up and up.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Guess Who’s Coming to DinnerOn Thursday, President Trump hosted a dinner for the biggest investors in his personal cryptocurrency. Protesters gathered outside the golf club where it was held, denouncing what they called “crypto corruption,” and late-night hosts lodged their own form of protest in their monologues.“Tonight, President Trump hosted a private dinner for the top 200 holders of his memecoin,” Jimmy Fallon said. “Yep, over 200 crypto bros in one room. Even Satan’s like, ‘Now, that’s hell.’”Several of the dinner guests told The New York Times that they were hoping to influence Trump and, ultimately, U.S. financial regulation. Jimmy Kimmel was not reassured by Karoline Leavitt, the White House press secretary, who told reporters it was a private dinner and that it was “absurd for anyone to insinuate that this president is profiting off of the presidency.”“It is absurd to say it’s absurd for anyone to insinuate that the president is profiting off of the presidency,” Kimmel said.“As far as I know, he’s the only president I’ve ever heard of who sells his own Bible and watch.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Listen, he’s only corrupt in his free time, guys. When he’s in the Oval Office, he’s by the book. This is all completely on the up and up.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“These people gave Trump’s business a combined $394 million for this dinner in one night. Seats went for from $55,000 to $37 million a pop. And no plus ones. That’s just by yourself.” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Thinks Trump’s ‘White Genocide’ Video Was a Bit Much

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      “The guy who couldn’t find South Africa on a map of Africa” subjected its leader to an extremely dubious video about his own country, Jimmy Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Lie, the Beloved CountryOn Wednesday, President Trump lectured the visiting president of South Africa, claiming that genocide was being carried out against white farmers in his country (and subjecting him to a dubious video on that subject). In turn, Trump got a lecture from late-night hosts, who dismantled his false claims.“There’s a right-wing conspiracy theory bubbling right now that says they’re killing all the white people in South Africa,” Jimmy Kimmel explained on Wednesday night. “Trump apparently has seen this online, so he brings the president in, he turns the lights down and makes him sit through a multimedia presentation about his own country titled ‘White Genocide.’”“I mean, seriously, does anyone at the White House — does anyone around him ever say, ‘Oh, Mr. President, this one is wrong, this is not real, this one makes you look demented and dumb’? Nobody does.” — JIMMY KIMMELOn “The Daily Show,” Ronny Chieng said Trump had turned the White House meeting “into a murder podcast.”“Trump is convinced that there is white genocide going on in South Africa, which of course means there is no white genocide happening in South Africa. It’s not even mathematically possible. I mean, you’ll never run out of white South Africans when one of them is making 5,000 kids a week.” — RONNY CHIENG, referring to Elon Musk“But still, Trump thinks there is one, and you know he cares about it because he said ‘white genocide.’ It’s like someone told him, ‘Hey, it’s not just a genocide, it’s a white genocide. You know, the bad kind.’” — RONNY CHIENG“During the meeting, this is real, things got pretty heated, and the president of South Africa actually said, ‘I’m sorry I don’t have a plane to give you.’ And then, to mess with Trump even more, he gave him tickets to see a Springsteen concert in New Jersey.” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump asked some tough questions, like, ‘How did you get rid of Elon? I’ll tell you what I did. How did you do it?’ — JIMMY FALLON“If you really want to impress Trump, you should have given him one of your golf courses. Then Trump would be like, ‘Hell, yeah! Sorry, white South Africans, if that’s even a real thing. Thoughts and prayers.’” — RONNY CHIENGThe Punchiest Punchlines (Golden Dome Edition)“President Trump has unveiled plans for a ‘Golden Dome’ missile defense shield that could cost tens of billions. Here is a schematic of what the golden dome would look like. The best part about the defense shield? He says the Klingons will pay for it.” — GREG GUTFELD“We’re fine. Gold doesn’t melt. It’s the strongest metal on earth.” — GRACE KUHLENSCHMIDT of “The Daily Show”“Yes, gold. Because when I think impenetrable, I think of stuff that pirates can bend with their teeth.” — STEPHEN COLBERTWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Stephen Colbert on the President’s Trumped-Up Birthday Plans

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      A military parade marking the anniversary of the Army’s founding will be held on the president’s birthday. “He wants overwhelming force,” Stephen Colbert said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Never Have I EverPresident Trump will soon return from his Middle East trip, and he already has big plans for June — specifically, the 14th.On Thursday, Stephen Colbert remarked that Trump might be leaving “his autocratic buddies behind, but he’s going to bring a taste of dictatorship back home when he does, ’cause he’s throwing a military parade on his birthday, featuring 6,600 soldiers, 150 vehicles and 50 helicopters.”“He wants overwhelming force, because this is more important than D-Day: It is his B-Day.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It also happens to be the 250th anniversary of the founding of the U.S. Army, so to honor the troops, soldiers will be housed in a former government warehouse, where they will receive one hot meal a day and have been told, ‘Bring your sleeping bags.’ [imitating Trump] ‘It’s my birthday slumber party! OK, fellas, let’s play Never Have I Ever. I’ll start. Never have I ever served in the military.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And before you ask, yes, there will be costumes. Service members will be wearing period uniforms from the Revolutionary War to the present. Yes. It’ll be June in one of the most humid cities in America, and they’ll be dressing them in wool pants.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Wrong Man for the Job Edition)“When asked yesterday if he would vaccinate his own children against the measles today, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said ‘Probably’ and then added, ‘I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from me.’ Yeah, not what you want to hear from the Secretary of Health and Human Services. That’s like if your pilot got on the P.A. and said, ‘We’re about to hit turbulence and I’d love some suggestions!’” — SETH MEYERS“Well, guys, R.F.K. Jr. just testified before Congress, and he said, ‘I don’t think people should be taking medical advice from me.’ It’s ironic, because it’s actually some great medical advice.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Seth Meyers Thinks Trump Shouldn’t Be So Set on That Jet

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      “We are, as of this taping, still a democracy with a rule of law,” Meyers said. “The president shouldn’t have a flying gold-plated party palace.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Size QueenPresident Donald Trump defended his choice to accept a jet from Qatar, saying that America should have the biggest, most impressive plane out of all the countries.“No, we shouldn’t,” Seth Meyers argued on Wednesday. “We are, as of this taping, still a democracy with a rule of law. The president shouldn’t have a flying gold-plated party palace.”“Stuff like that is a sign of corruption. That’s why Las Vegas looks like that — it was built by criminals.” — SETH MEYERS“The point is, they have nicer planes because they’re not democracies; they’re royal kingdoms, where they oppress people and use the public’s money to build opulent palaces for their rulers. We don’t do that here. If you ask me, the president should be forced to fly the same way the rest of us do. He should have to sit at Newark for six hours nursing a $30 Bloody Mary, and chewing on a pretzel while he waits for the one on-duty air traffic controller’s hands to stop shaking.” — SETH MEYERS“Trump should have a big plane because Trump definitely does not have a little plane. It’s definitely at least an average American male plane.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Plus, I will tell you what, a lot of countries say that a smaller plane is actually more comfortable for longer rides.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“We still talking about planes? Look where we are on the tarmac next to each other. I know you’re not supposed to just look straight ahead, but I took a little peek over there, a little peek over there. Cockpit was huge, man!” — JORDAN KLEPPER“I’m sorry, why does the president need any of this? Air Force One is supposed to be technologically advanced, not luxurious. It’s designed so the president can get national security briefings anywhere in the world, not so he can chill on leather couches and use nine different bathrooms — which, by the way, he might need to do on the way home based on the fact that the Saudis set up a custom-built mobile McDonald’s in anticipation of Trump’s visit.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Humps for Trump Edition)“When Trump landed in Qatar, he was escorted by a fleet of Cybertrucks, Arabian horses and camels. And even the horses and camels were laughing at the Cybertruck.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, Trump was welcomed by horses and camels. He was like, ‘I love the horses and the sexier horses.’” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night is Happy President Trump Has Left the Country

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      Jordan Klepper suggested that someone lock the doors while President Trump is in the Middle East this week.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Lock Him Out!President Trump arrived in Saudi Arabia on Tuesday for the first stop of a four-day Middle East trip.Stephen Colbert celebrated, saying, “Yes, Donald Trump left the country today, so I got another birthday wish.” On “The Daily Show,” Jordan Klepper suggested that “someone lock the [expletive] doors.”“He landed in Riyadh this morning, where he got a lavish welcome, greeted by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman on a sumptuous carpet, purple, made out of hand-harvested journalist nurple.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You know Trump’s looking at the carpet, going, ‘These things fly here, right?’” — JORDAN KLEPPER“The crown prince pulled out all the stops to make Trump feel at home, even providing an actual mobile McDonald’s semi truck. This is true. Yes. Of course, one of the most rewarding things about traveling the globe is getting the chance to sample the local nugget truck.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You got to hand it to the Saudis, though, they know the fastest way to Trump’s heart is through his stomach, out the colon, with a little bit staying behind in his arteries.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Regardless, you know what? It was a very nice start to this trip abroad, where he’ll visit not just Saudi Arabia, but then Qatar and the U.A.E. But you might be wondering, why did Trump pick these countries for his first foreign trip? Well, there’s a strong geopolitical balance of — I’m [expletive] with you. Corruption!” — JORDAN KLEPPER“The Trump boys have projects in all three countries. I never thought I’d say this, but can’t these countries go back to doing something more constructive, like funding terrorism?” — JORDAN KLEPPERThe Punchiest Punchlines (From Shady to Sus Edition)“President Trump tonight attended a Saudi state dinner. OK, well, just so you know, it’s going to be a lot of stuff you’ve never tried, like kabsa and mandi and forks.” — SETH MEYERS“Well, guys, today, President Trump arrived in Saudi Arabia for the first leg of his trip to the Middle East. Yeah, it was a big day. Saudi Arabia’s crown prince met with America’s Burger King.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Colbert Thinks the Nickname ‘Lady Giuliani’ Suits Jeanine Pirro

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      Colbert said President Trump’s latest appointment from the Fox News roster “drank a whole bottle of champagne, and then someone told her the news.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Lady Giuliani’Last Thursday, President Trump said he had chosen the Fox News personality Jeanine Pirro as the interim U.S. attorney for Washington, D.C.Stephen Colbert told his viewers on Monday that they might recognize Pirro from “Judge Jeanine,” where she “promoted voter-fraud claims, compared Jan. 6 rioters to Revolutionary War soldiers, and got pulled briefly from the network after making Islamophobic comments.”“She was later reinstated after Fox realized they didn’t care.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And I’m sure she’s excited. I heard on Friday night, she drank a whole bottle of champagne, and then someone told her the news.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Trump last week named Fox News host Jeanine Pirro as the interim U.S. attorney for Washington, D.C. Well, she is always up for a case.” — SETH MEYERS“Pirro has also come under fire for pleading guilty for speeding after driving 119 miles per hour in a 65 zone and was forced to deny accusations of being drunk on air. It’s not great when Washington’s top attorney can best be described as ‘Lady Giuliani.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Trump announced the news on Truth Social, saying, ‘Pirro is considered one of the top district attorneys in the history of the state of New York. She is in a class by herself.’ That class? Court-mandated traffic school.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Pirro is the 23rd current or former Fox News employee hired by the Trump White House. If you work at Fox News right now and you haven’t been offered a job by this administration, you must be thinking, ‘Does he, like, hate me?’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Thieving on a Jet Plane Edition)“The White House said that the royal family of Qatar is giving President Trump a $400 million luxury jet that he will use as Air Force One, and then keep once he leaves office. Everyone’s rightfully focused on the plane, but to me the big headline is that he’ll eventually leave office.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, the 89-passenger luxury plane has wood finishes, custom carpets and gold walls. The only thing it doesn’t have is a way to safely land at Newark airport.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Celebrates the First American Pope

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      “We have an American pope and a Russian president,” Jimmy Kimmel said, calling it “an historic era.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘New Pope, Who Dis?’Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost was elected pope on Thursday, becoming the first American pope.“We have an American pope and a Russian president,” Jimmy Kimmel said. “Isn’t it incredible?”“We have the first American pope. And let me just say, as an American, are you sure about this? We don’t really have the gravitas that you associate with pope-iness. We’re less ‘somber procession’ and more ‘monster truck rally.’” — DESI LYDIC“I just think it’s just a little bit weird that the holiest man in the world probably knows all the words to the Chili’s ‘Baby Back Ribs’ song.” — DESI LYDIC“The Pope Mobile is now a Ford F-250 with truck nuts.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You can tell he’s American ’cause he stepped out on the Vatican balcony and said, ‘New pope, who dis?’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Another Leo Edition)“They make him pick a name. He chose Leo XIV, which is a shame because there have been 13 other Leos. We’ve never had even one Pope Bob, which would have been pretty great.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“How have there been so many popes named Leo? Leo doesn’t even sound like a Pope name. Sounds more like the altar boy who got high and ate all the communion wafers.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yep, he may be the new pope, but to his friends back in Chicago, he’ll always be ‘Bobby Bratwurst.’” — JIMMY FALLON“From now on, the pope is going to sound like this. [imitating Chicago accent] Hey, dere, it’s yer buddy Leo, the deep dish papa. Just talked to God, and not even he can help da White Sox. Sorry. First order of business, I will be canonizing Michael Jordan. Now let’s end by saying daaa prayers.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe Colombian superstar Shakira played “Box of Lies” with Jimmy Fallon on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutLovie Simone in “Forever,” a new adaptation of the Judy Blume novel created by Mara Brock Akil for Netflix.Elizabeth Morris/NetflixAn all-Black cast stars in the new Netflix series “Forever,” adapted from Judy Blume’s 1970 novel of the same name. More