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      Jimmy Kimmel Responds to Trump Lashing Out at Late Night

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      “I didn’t even see it, that’s how badly his social media platform is doing,” Kimmel said of Trump’s Truth Social rant about late night hosts.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Truth Is ElsewhereOn Tuesday, Jimmy Kimmel relayed that former President Donald Trump “took a break yesterday from disparaging the FBI to go after” Kimmel and his fellow late night talk show hosts on Truth Social.“I didn’t even see it, that’s how badly his social media platform is doing,” Kimmel said.“He wrote, ‘It was my great honor to have destroyed the ratings of late night comedy shows. There is nothing funny about the shows, the three hosts have very little talent, and when Jimmy Fallon apologized for having humanized Trump and his ratings soared, the radical left forced him to apologize. That was effectively the end of “The Tonight Show”’ — which I’m pretty sure is still on, right?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“If anyone knows talent, it’s Donald Trump. He has walked backstage unannounced while young women were changing at some of the biggest talent competitions in the whole world.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And as far as ratings go, on behalf of my fellow late night talk show hosts — Jimmy, Stephen, Seth and I — we’ve been on for a total of 58 seasons and counting; your presidency got canceled after one.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (The Big 8-0 Edition)“Right after the midterms, there’s going to be another big day: It’s going to be Joe Biden’s birthday, when he’ll turn 80 years old, making him the first president to become an octogenarian while in office. The White House has a little bit of a problem here, because ‘oldest president ever’ is not the kind of record you want to be setting. It’s right up there with Grover Cleveland’s record for longest presidential fingernails.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“According to administration sources, you shouldn’t expect a blowout birthday bash, which is just what you’d say when you’re planning a surprise party! Oh, it’s going to be hot. There’s going to be a senior citizen throw-down! We’re talking Ensure stands, low-cut shawls, and shots, shots, shots: Covid, flu and shingles.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“White House officials are reportedly planning to downplay President Biden’s upcoming 80th birthday. Well, good luck with that, ’cause everything about Biden screams ‘birthday week.’ [imitating Biden] ‘Monday, I’m going bowling with my college buds; Tuesday, shots; Wednesday, Dave & Buster’s, then we’re all flying to Ibiza!’” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingSeth Meyers sent up Fox News’s annual “Halloween fearmongering” by adding some newfound holiday threats to the list such as “Mike and Ike are trying to adopt.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightJon Gray, Pierre Serrao, and Lester Walker of the Bronx-based collective Ghetto Gastro will appear on “The Daily Show” on Wednesday to talk about their new book, “Black Power Kitchen.”Also, Check This OutMelissa Etheridge, left, and Jill Sobule. In the 1990s, Etheridge made a splash with the hits “Come to My Window” and “I’m the Only One.” That same decade, Sobule released “I Kissed a Girl.”Luisa Opalesky for The New York TimesSinger-songwriters Melissa Etheridge and Jill Sobule are bringing their respective lives and musical careers to the stage in two new shows this week in New York. More

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      Seth Meyers Mocks Trump for Claiming George Bush Took Documents, Too

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      “And that is why to this day, if you’re in Texas, you can stop by H.W.’s Wok and Bowl and Top-Secret Document Warehouse,” Meyers joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘H.W.’s Wok and Bowl and Top-Secret Document Warehouse’Over the weekend, former President Donald Trump was in Nevada and Arizona, where he appeared at rallies in support of the Republican candidates Joe Lombardo, Kari Lake and Blake Masters.“And yet even though Trump is theoretically supposed to be there to campaign for other candidates, he always without exception makes it about himself,” Seth Meyers said. “He’s like the best man at a wedding who gives a drunken toast about how awesome he is.”While in Arizona, Trump claimed that other former presidents had removed classified documents from the White House, saying that the first President George Bush “took millions of documents to a former bowling alley and a former Chinese restaurant.”“He didn’t take the classified documents by accident — he took them on purpose because he thinks they belong to him, and when you’re proving a crime, criminal intent is key. I know that because I watch a show called ‘Law & Order: Criminal Intent’ — it’s right there in the title. There was never a ‘Law & Order’ spinoff called ‘Law & Order: Oops, My Bad.’” — SETH MEYERS“He just kept repeating it, and none of that excuses intentionally stealing and leaving classified documents laying around your golf course.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And that is why to this day, if you’re in Texas, you can stop by H.W.’s Wok and Bowl and Top-Secret Document Warehouse.” — SETH MEYERS“I demand an investigation because, is it just me, or does a combination bowling alley/Chinese restaurant sound incredible?” — JAMES CORDEN“I think I see what Trump is going for here, though, I do. Does he think that fortune cookies are secret documents?” — JAMES CORDEN“To be safe, Bush also hid some in a laser tag-slash-kebab house, and a trampoline park-slash-rib shack.” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (First Edition)“Well guys, if you watch MSNBC, I want to say, ‘Happy Indigenous Peoples’ Day.’ And if you watch Fox News, I want to say, ‘Happy Columbus Day.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Not only is it Columbus Day, it’s also Indigenous Peoples’ Day, which is what it should be, probably. But we have to pick one or the other, right? This is like saying it’s Arbor Day and Chain Saw Day — it can’t be both.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s right, 530 years ago Columbus went on a trip and never made it to his intended destination. Today we call that flying Southwest Airlines.” — JIMMY FALLON“I think it’s probably the most controversial federal holiday of all of them, Columbus Day. Here’s how you know Columbus Day isn’t so hot anymore — there’s no Google doodle for it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The guy had one job — get to India. He missed it by 9,000 miles, but rather than admit he was wrong and not in India, he just started calling everyone Indians, which is so willfully ignorant. If he were alive today, he could probably run the Republican Party. If you’re being honest with yourself, Columbus is basically what would have happened if Donald Trump had been born in the 1400s and his dad gave him a boat, OK?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingRachel Maddow talked about her new political history podcast, “Ultra,” on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightJamie Lee Curtis will talk about the latest installment of the “Halloween” franchise, “Halloween Ends,” on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutWendell Pierce as Willy Loman in “Death of a Salesman” at the Hudson Theater.Sara Krulwich/The New York TimesAn all-Black cast led by Wendell Pierce and Sharon D. Clarke stars in a powerful revival of “Death of a Salesman” at the Hudson Theater. More

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      Stephen Colbert Calls Biden’s Marijuana Pardon a ‘Green New Deal’

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      Colbert celebrated Biden’s announcement on Thursday that people convicted of marijuana possession under federal law would be pardoned.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Green New Deal’President Joe Biden pardoned people convicted of marijuana possession under federal law on Thursday.“Ladies and gentlemen, that is a hell of a green New Deal,” Stephen Colbert said.“He’s pardoning federal marijuana simple-possession offenses — all of them, from the dankest nugs to the harshest ditch weed. I’m talkin’ pot, grass, Mary Jane, reefer, the sweet sticky icky, ganja, choom-choom, lime pillows, sticks n’ stems, herb, chronic, Yemen, the devil’s lettuce, wacky tobacky, Acapulco gold, jazz cigarettes and the right honorable reverend Al Green.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Can you imagine how many people are incarcerated? Even worse, can you imagine getting pardoned for this after seeing how mainstream weed has become in America? I bet witches probably feel the same way, you know? It’s like, ‘Oh, so these hipster chicks can walk around Brooklyn with their candles and crystals, but when I did it in Salem, I got burned!’” — TREVOR NOAH“This will affect more than 6,000 Americans. Their criminal records will be cleared. He also encouraged governors to do the same on the state level, promised that his administration will review whether marijuana should still be classified as a schedule 1 drug and gave the Presidential Medal of Freedom to a bag of Funyuns.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (High Point Edition)“The move stops short of full decriminalization, which will probably have to wait until we have a President Woodrow Harrelson or something.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I’m pretty sure Biden’s approval rating is about to get high for the first time.” — JIMMY FALLON“It is the most cannabis-friendly decision by a U.S. president yet, and I, for one, am just glad Willie Nelson is alive to see this happen.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, the president canceled student loan debt and now he’s pardoning people for weed. I think Biden’s going to be able to get into any frat he wants right now.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe rapper Jack Harlow co-hosted “The Tonight Show,” sharing in Thursday night’s edition of #Hashtags with Jimmy Fallon.Also, Check This OutOndi Timoner filmed her father’s last days. “I wanted to bottle him up,” she said. “I was terrified to not hear his voice again.”Brad Torchia for The New York Times“Last Flight Home,” by Ondi Timoner, is a documentary about her terminally ill father, who chose to end his life by medically assisted suicide. More

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      Late Night Rips Into Ron DeSantis for His ‘Go-Go’ Boots

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      “You’re not allowed to pass a ‘Don’t say gay’ bill then show up in public dressed like Nancy Sinatra,” Jimmy Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Getting the BootPresident Joe Biden met with Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis on Wednesday, setting aside political conversations to focus on the damage from Hurricane Ian.“Last time Joe Biden saw a storm this big, he had to help Noah collect all the pets and get them on the boat,” Jimmy Kimmel joked.“It’s like the special episode of a Disney sitcom where the school bully realizes he needs help with his math homework.” — JIMMY FALLON“Governor DeSantis has been touring damaged areas to let residents know they’re not forgotten — and one thing that few will ever forget is the white knee-high boots he was sporting.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Looks a little less ‘governor on the go’ and more ‘governor of the Go-Gos.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You’re not allowed to pass a ‘Don’t say gay’ bill then show up in public dressed like Nancy Sinatra.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But DeSantis was actually nice to Biden — he actually even offered him a free flight to Martha’s Vineyard.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Return on Investment Edition)“The home run ball itself is thought to be worth at least $2 million, and it was caught by an investment banker. Huge moment for the Yankees and an investment banker. What a night for the underdogs, you know?” — JIMMY FALLON“Well, there is a feel-good story for you. I’m glad things are finally working out for that executive at an investment firm. That’s what the game is all about. Good for you, buddy. Good for you.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingThe correspondent Ronny Chieng investigated the world of ultimate pillow fighting for Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightCate Blanchett will talk about her new film “Tár” on Thursday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutBeavis and Butt-Head in the rebooted version of the series.Paramount+As a show that was smarter than its characters, “Beavis and Butt-Head” is too often overlooked and unappreciated. More

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      Stephen Colbert Pens Get-Well Card to Herschel Walker

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      Colbert did not mince words in his greeting to the Senate candidate, who denied paying for a former girlfriend’s abortion, as was reported by The Daily Beast.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Thoughts and PrayersHerschel Walker, the Republican Senate candidate in Georgia and a noted opponent of abortion, denied reports from Monday that he paid for a woman’s abortion in 2009. Walker’s former girlfriend provided a receipt from an abortion clinic and a $700 check she received in a get-well card, The Daily Beast reported.On Tuesday, Stephen Colbert referred to the situation as “a disaster.”“So Walker went on the Fox News last night and was asked about this evidence by the most effective form of birth control known to man, Sean Hannity,” Colbert said.“Well, sure, all celebrities send cards to complete strangers. In fact, you know what? Herschel’s going through a tough time right now, so let me just get this down real quick: ‘Dear Herschel, get well — you know what? Get [expletive], Stephen.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I mean, this woman says that she has a receipt, a check, and a get-well card that he signed. The only way there could be more of a paper trail is if he bought a souvenir T-shirt from the abortion clinic’s gift shop.” — TREVOR NOAH“Imagine being so stupid you write a check for an abortion you want to keep secret. And that card, if you’re wondering where you can even get a card like that, you can find them right next to the ‘dads and grads’ section at CVS.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“A former girlfriend of Republican Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker claimed in a new interview that Walker paid for her to get an abortion in 2009. And the only way that will hurt him with Republicans is if some of that money went to pay down her student loans.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Tainted Reputation Edition)“Former President Trump filed a defamation lawsuit yesterday against CNN and claimed that the network has made a ‘persistent association’ between Trump and Adolf Hitler. Yeah, come on, CNN. Can’t a guy hold a series of racist rallies in a country suffering skyrocketing inflation without being compared to Hitler?” — SETH MEYERS“This is true, the lawsuit takes issue with CNN’s use of the words ‘racist’ and ‘insurrectionist’ when discussing Trump. I don’t want to help Trump in this lawsuit, but CNN also called him a billionaire.” — JAMES CORDEN“Get this: Former President Trump is claiming that CNN is trying to hurt his image ahead of the 2024 election, and he announced that $475 million defamation lawsuit against the network. In response, CNN was like, ‘Hey, thanks for thinking we have that kind of money. Wow, we pay Anderson Cooper in Panera bucks, you know what I mean?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He sued CNN for defamation, charging the channel acted with ‘real animosity’ to cause him ‘true harm.’ True harm? They reported the facts! That’s like suing your mirror for giving you cankles.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Specifically, the suit claims that CNN tried to taint the plaintiff, which is not easy — the plaintiff is mostly taint.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But this is tricky territory for Trump. On the one hand, he thinks that CNN calling him racist hurt his chances for re-election. On the other hand, if he says he isn’t racist, that could also hurt his chances for re-election.” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Tonight Show” guests Ralph Macchio, Jennifer Beals and Lea Thompson played a game of ’80s-themed charades with Jimmy Fallon on Tuesday.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightMaggie Haberman will sit down to dish on her new book “Confidence Man” with Trevor Noah on Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutLoretta Lynn performing in 1976 in Rochester, N.Y. Her voice was unmistakable, with its Kentucky drawl, its tensely coiled vibrato and its deep reserves of power.Waring Abbott/Getty ImagesThe country music star Loretta Lynn died on Tuesday, leaving behind a legacy of fiery expressions of female resolve. More

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      Late Night Reacts to Trump ‘Nearly Firing’ Ivanka and Jared

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      “That would be an awful way to find out they’d lost their jobs as … handbag blondeface? Haunted scarecrow? His-and-hers towel racks?” Stephen Colbert joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘You’re Fired!’New reports of Maggie Haberman’s Donald Trump tell-all, “Confidence Man,” detail that the former president once “nearly fired” his daughter Ivanka and her husband, Jared Kushner.“That would be an awful way to find out they’d lost their jobs as … handbag blondeface? Haunted scarecrow? His-and-hers towel racks?” Stephen Colbert joked on Wednesday. “I don’t know what they did.”“In the end, the ex-president did what he’d done his whole life: He avoided his children. He never fired them, and as we all know, Jared went on to achieve Middle East peace.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“He was going to fire them over Twitter, but his chief of staff, John Kelly, was able to stop him from doing it by waving a KFC drumstick in front of him and tossing it across the room.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Meanwhile, Eric and Don Jr. were like, ‘Wait a minute, he follows you guys on Twitter?’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Music History Edition)“Last night at a concert in D.C., Lizzo played a never-used crystal flute that once belonged to President James Madison. No one had played it in 200 years, so it was ‘about damn time.’” — JIMMY FALLON, referencing Lizzo’s single “About Damn Time”“Yeah. That’s a really cool way to bring attention to American history. Yeah, because now students will know that James Madison was that guy who did a collab with Lizzo, you know?” — TREVOR NOAH“It was an amazing moment — even better than that time Guy Fieri ate chicken wings with George Washington’s wooden teeth.” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingIdina Menzel addressed rumors regarding “Frozen 3” while on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe Yeah Yeah Yeahs will perform on Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutMatthew Broderick in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” Paramount Pictures, via Associated PressStream “Schitt’s Creek,” “8 Mile” and “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” before they leave Netflix in October. More

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      Trevor Noah’s Take on Russia’s Sham Referendums in Ukraine

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      “I mean, it is one thing to conquer a town and blow up their buildings but to make them do paperwork? There is evil and then there’s evil,” Noah said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Russian InterferenceIt’s been seven months since President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia ordered the invasion of Ukraine, or as Trevor Noah referred to it on Tuesday, “Putin went all Kool-Aid Man on Ukraine.” Noah also noted that Russia’s leader is “not hashtag-winning.”“Russian soldiers are going door to door forcing people to vote to join Russia and so because of that, 97 percent of the vote has been pro-Putin. Yeah, but I mean, let’s be honest — I mean, these voters have a ‘choice’ in the same way we have a ‘choice’ to not accept cookies on that website, you know? Yeah it’s like, what? So what, if I click ‘no’ can I not see how child stars have aged? What kind of a choice is that?” — TREVOR NOAH“You know my question is, who the hell is the 3 percent? No, I’m really impressed by this. Who had the balls to still vote against Putin while his soldiers watched them mark their ballots? Who was there and just like, ‘Yes, I have voted — for yo’ mama!’” — TREVOR NOAH“And honestly, like why do they even go through all of this, huh? Like going door to door, making everyone sign [expletive] just so you can do whatever are you already doing anyway. I mean, it is one thing to conquer a town and blow up their buildings but to make them do paperwork? There is evil and then there’s evil.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Big Bang Edition)“Last night NASA intentionally crashed a spacecraft into an asteroid to see if it could stop one coming toward Earth in the future. Go, NASA! Meanwhile, the Space Force was like, ‘Cool, cool, so what exactly is our role again? Like, what do we do?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Boom! Yeah. How you like that, asteroid? That was for the dinosaurs.” — TREVOR NOAH“And in case you are wondering, no, the asteroid was not heading for Earth, all right? We were just testing the system. It wasn’t heading toward us. But now the other asteroids, they know not to test us. You don’t mess with Earth, man; we’re loco, man.” — TREVOR NOAH“The asteroid, named Dimorphos, is part of a binary system with another larger asteroid named Didymos, which means twin in Greek. Neither Dimorphos nor Didymos posed any threat to Earth, but now they know not to get any ideas, and they’re telling their friends.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingSeth Meyers flamed quiet quitting, Costco and Aaron Judge on this week’s “Ya Burnt” segment on “Late Night.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightAnderson Cooper will chat with Stephen Colbert on Wednesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutKevin Smith and Jason Mewes with the Buddy Christ figure featured in Smith’s 1999 film “Dogma.”Adam Powell for The New York TimesKevin Smith and Jason Mewes reflect on their decades-long partnership on screen and off. More

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      Stephen Colbert Details Tidbits From a Forthcoming Trump Book

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      “The real presidency is the rich friends we made along the way,” Colbert said in response to Trump’s remark that he has “so many rich friends, and nobody knows who they are.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Ask No Questions, Hear No LiesIn her new book, “Confidence Man: The Making of Donald Trump and the Breaking of America,” Maggie Haberman, a reporter for The New York Times, writes about the end of Trump’s presidency.On Monday night, Stephen Colbert detailed some tidbits from the forthcoming tell-all, including the former president’s denial that he was watching television on Jan. 6 as rioters stormed the Capitol.“Really? Really? You’re accused of inciting an angry mob to storm the Capitol to prevent the peaceful transfer of power for the first in our nation’s history, and that’s the part of the testimony you’re taking issue with?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The former president also said other things to Haberman, including this anecdote about running for president: ‘The question I get asked more than any other question: If you had it to do again, would you have done it?’ OK, that’s clearly a lie. The question he gets asked more than any other is ‘Do you want fries with that?’ The answer is yes.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“He continued: ‘The answer is, yeah, I think so. Because here’s the way I look at it — I have so many rich friends, and nobody knows who they are.’ Yep, the real presidency is the rich friends we made along the way.” — STEPHEN COLBERT[Imitating Trump] “A lot of times I’m asked what’s the main question I get asked is. That’s a good question. Well, I tend to ask myself the thing people are asking the most, which is ‘What question which gets questioned of me gets asked of me by me.’ Any questions?” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Father Figure Edition)“Hold on — I’ve felt a great disturbance in the force, because we just learned that James Earl Jones is retiring from the role of Darth Vader in ‘Star Wars.’ He will now be playing Baby Yoda.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You see? The Little Mermaid becomes Black and they take away James Earl Jones! I told you there would be backlash! I told you!” — TREVOR NOAH“Instead of trying to find someone else to voice the part, Disney has said they are gonna use artificial intelligence to replicate Darth Vader’s voice. Yeah, I don’t know, people, this makes me a little nervous. Yeah, we think A.I. is going to take over the world, and now we’re going to teach it to use the dark side of the force? No one thinks this is a bad idea?” — TREVOR NOAH“That voice is iconic. It belongs in Darth Vader’s body — or announcing CNN promos — but that’s it.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon announced his new bilingual children’s book, “Con Pollo,” co-written with Jennifer Lopez, on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightDavid Letterman will pop by Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutAndres sketching a piece.Elliott Jerome Brown Jr. for The New York TimesPaintings by Andres Valencia, a 10-year-old fifth grader, have sold for more than $125,000. More