Kimmel, Jimmy

Subterms

    More stories

    • 88 Shares149 Views

      in Television

      Stephen Colbert Debates Catching Omicron on Purpose

      by

      “I mean, all the other late-night hosts are doing it,” Colbert said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Catch Me if You CanSeveral news outlets have discouraged people from trying to purposely get infected with Omicron to “get it over with.” On Tuesday’s “Late Show,” Stephen Colbert wondered if he should deliberately try to catch the Covid strain.“I mean, all the other late-night hosts are doing it,” he said, referring to James Corden, Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers, who have all contracted Covid over the last two weeks. “I’m starting to think they had a secret sleepover, and I wasn’t invited.”“Yes, getting Omicron is superpopular. I hear it’s dating Pete Davidson.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“He’s got that B.D.E. — that big Delta energy.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And now, I don’t know what’s going on because the United States reported 1.5 million new infections yesterday. That is terrible, but kind of sweet that we all gave each other the same thing for Christmas.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Covid Continued Edition)“Soon, there’s going to be almost as many people in hospitals as there are TV shows about hospitals.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The C.D.C. is reportedly considering updating its coronavirus guidance to recommend that people wear N95 or KN95 masks — or barring that, just 95 masks.” — SETH MEYERS“The C.D.C. also issued a do-not-travel advisory yesterday for Canada, due to an increase in coronavirus cases there, which is kind of like Keith Richards telling you not to hang around with that pothead from school.” — SETH MEYERS“The White House just announced that insurers will have to cover eight at-home virus tests per month. Eight per month, so, one for every new variant.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe standup comic Raanan Hershberg made his “Tonight Show” debut on Tuesday.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightIsla Fisher will talk about her new Peacock dramedy “Wolf Like Me” on “Late Night” on Wednesday.Also, Check This OutJohn Powers is returning to work with paper collages in his studio on Oscawana Lake, near Beacon, N.Y.Jasmine Clarke for The New York TimesThe sculptor John Powers saw his art change after losing several fingers in a table-saw accident. More

    • 113 Shares179 Views

      in Television

      Seth Meyers: ‘Ted Cruz Has a Thing for Self-Humiliation’

      by

      “That clip was like watching one of those dumb cable news segments where a reporter willingly gets Tasered just to show everyone how bad it is,” Meyers joked of Cruz’s recent appearance on ‘Tucker Carlson.’Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Grovel GrovelTed Cruz appeared on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show last week, apologizing for referring to the events of Jan. 6 as terrorism. Seth Meyers, who hosted “Late Night” from home on Monday after a Covid diagnosis, took Cruz to task for his backpedaling.“Wow, I knew Ted had a thing for self-humiliation, but that is next-level,” Meyers said. “Imagine begging for forgiveness from a cable news host while he sits there with that look he always has on his face like he’s trying to remember the name of the other guy from Wham.”“That clip was like watching one of those dumb cable news segments where a reporter willingly gets Tasered just to show everyone how bad it is.” — SETH MEYERS“I also like how Cruz finds a way to mention in that clip that he texted Tucker like they’re good pals. Unfortunately for Ted, any time he tries to text or call someone, it comes up as ‘Spam likely’ — or, in his case, ‘Likely made of Spam.’” — SETH MEYERS“And yet, this debacle keeps getting worse for Cruz because he proudly tweeted out the clip of himself groveling, which is a little like posting a video of yourself landing nards-first on a handrail during a skateboard fail with the caption, ‘Check out how epic this is.’” — SETH MEYERS“And look, we all know Ted Cruz has a thing for self-humiliation. He slinked back from Cancún after escaping a blackout in his state. He endorsed Donald Trump after Trump insulted his wife and his father, and took that infamous photo where he made campaign calls for Trump, looking like Jack Lemmon in ‘Glengarry Glenn Ross.’ And he keeps showing up in public with that facial hair looking like a Chewbacca who shaved everything but the beard.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Deltacron Edition)“Speaking of breaking records, thanks to Omicron, the seven-day average for newly reported cases in the U.S. topped 700,000. Seven hundred thousand! That’s the population of Denver, and you know you’re in trouble when you’re higher than the people of Denver.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Well, guys, today, the C.E.O. of Pfizer said that its vaccine for the Omicron variant will be ready in March. So get ready for the craziest St. Patrick’s Day in the history of the world.” — JIMMY FALLON“It feels like this March Madness, we’ll be filling out brackets to predict which of the 68 variants will become the dominant strain.” — JIMMY FALLON“But Omicron could be over by Groundhog Day, which would be just in time because scientists in Cyprus have found 25 cases of a strain of the coronavirus that they say combines elements of the Delta and Omicron variants, that they’re calling ‘Deltacron.’ Deltacron, also the name of the disappointing Transformer who turns into a delayed flight for Atlanta.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Scientists are currently disputing a new study that claims to have discovered a so-called Deltacron strain of the coronavirus. It combines the Delta and Omicron variants, and the only thing that can stop it is the Pfizerna vaccine.” — SETH MEYERS“Pretty soon the C.E.O. of Pfizer is going to be on Instagram Live like, ‘New vaccine just dropped, sound off in the comments!’” — JIMMY FALLON“I honestly have no idea how I haven’t been infected with this. I’m starting to feel like before I lost my virginity: Everyone else had, I know I probably will eventually, and when I finally do, I hope it goes as fast as losing my virginity did.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Kimmel paid a teary tribute to his friend Bob Saget, who died Sunday.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightMaggie Gyllenhaal, writer and director of “The Lost Daughter,” will return to “The Tonight Show” on Tuesday.Also, Check This OutBritney Spears onstage in 2011.Max Morse/Getty ImagesBritney Spears has always used the power of dance to assert her power and connect with her audience. More

    • 100 Shares109 Views

      in Television

      Stephen Colbert Holds the Republican Caucus in Contempt

      by

      Colbert noted that the House voted to hold Mark Meadows in criminal contempt, “and the rest of us can just keep holding him in regular contempt.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Consequences, ConsequencesOn Tuesday night, the House voted to hold Mark Meadows, who served as chief of staff to former President Donald J. Trump, in criminal contempt for refusing to cooperate with its investigation into the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol.“Yes, hell yes! Criminal contempt — and the rest of us can just keep holding him in regular contempt,” Stephen Colberts said on Wednesday.“The consequences are severe. Meadows could be sentenced to a year in prison, or even worse, another month working for Trump.” — JIMMY FALLON“Of course, Meadows needs a good lawyer, so the first thing he did was pull up Rudy Giuliani’s number and delete it.” — JIMMY FALLON“The Republican caucus is an accessory to this coup, and we recently got more evidence of that in the form of text messages to Mark Meadows, like this one received on Jan. 7 from a Republican lawmaker: ‘Yesterday was a terrible day.’ Well, I mean, at least we can all agree on that.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT‘We tried everything we could in our objection to the six states. I’m sorry nothing worked.’ Oh, so he regrets not being able to drown Lady Liberty in a bathtub. It’s like sending a sympathy card that says, ‘My deepest condolences that you lived. I was rooting for the tumor!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So, who sent these messages? Well, the identity of these lawmakers was not being disclosed, so people on Twitter are now guessing names like Paul Gosar, Jim Jordan, Devin Nunes, Matt Gaetz, Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley — and you can play the home version in the fun new game ‘Clue-less.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“These messages have the ring of unfiltered truth because they’re taken from Mark Meadows’ two personal phones — and nothing says ‘innocent’ like a second cellphone.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Holiday Parties Edition)“The White House is skipping their annual holiday parties because of Covid this year — and because Joe Biden goes to sleep at 4 p.m.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This is in stark contrast to the previous White House’s ‘Catch the holiday fever’ themed droplet jamborees.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The White House just announced, due to Covid concerns, instead of the traditional holiday parties, he’s inviting guests to come see the decorations on a 30-minute self-guided tour, which is just a fancy way of Biden saying, ‘Come if you want, but I ain’t gonna be there!’” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, a self-guided tour of a historic Washington building. That’s basically how Fox News described Jan. 6.” — JIMMY FALLON“The Democratic National Committee held its annual holiday party last night outside of the Hotel Washington, due to the spread of the Omicron variant. Meanwhile, the Republican holiday party just added more mistletoe.” — SETH MEYERS“President Biden attended the D.N.C.’s annual holiday party last night and gave a 10-minute speech in just under an hour.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee modernized “’Twas the Night Before Christmas” to show support for elves and their unions.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe longtime friends Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen will appear on Thursday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutThe author bell hooks in 1995. Her work, across some 30 books, encompassed literary criticism, children’s fiction, self-help, memoir and poetry. Monica Almeida/The New York TimesThe pathbreaking Black feminist writer bell hooks died on Wednesday. She was 69. More

    • 125 Shares99 Views

      in Television

      Late Night Praises Fox News Hosts for Their Acting Skills

      by

      The news that Fox News anchors sent texts on Jan. 6 urging President Trump to speak out against the insurrection while blaming antifa on air was the talk of late night on Tuesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Stop the InsanityLate night was aflutter on Tuesday with the revelations that the Fox News commentators Brian Kilmeade, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham sent pleading texts to Mark Meadows on Jan. 6, asking President Donald J. Trump to speak out and stop the insurrection.Stephen Colbert joked that Meadows, Trump’s last chief of staff, “even got an Instagram post from Judge Jeanine’s box of wine.”“Gee, if only they had some sort of media outlet where they could have said that publicly.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This is like finding out the flight attendant who’s been telling you that it’s just a little turbulence is going back into the cockpit, like, ‘Doesn’t anybody know how to fly this thing? We’re all gonna die!’” — TREVOR NOAH“Yeah, it came out that Fox News hosts were begging for Trump to do something. And today Fox News hosts lit their tree on fire again just to change the subject.” — JIMMY FALLON“So, the Jan. 6 attack scared Laura Ingraham — and keep in mind, her side gig is appearing in your bathroom mirror if you whisper ‘Medicare for all’ three times.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The records show that then-White House chief of staff Mark Meadows also received a text from Fox News host Brian Kilmeade that said, ‘Please get him on TV. Destroying everything we’ve accomplished.’ That is a shocking revelation — they had to beg Trump to go on TV?” — SETH MEYERS“Trump was like, ‘If I replied to every text that said “What you’re doing is crazy,” I’d never get anything done.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump didn’t want to hear it. Not only did Trump ignore texts from Fox News, he also dropped them from his family cellphone plan.” — JIMMY FALLON“And I love that they were so concerned that this could ruin Trump’s legacy: ‘If he gets somebody killed today, no one will remember that time he told everyone to drink bleach.” — TREVOR NOAH“If one person at your network has no integrity, that’s a problem. If nobody has integrity, that’s a company policy.” — TREVOR NOAH“If you’re looking for some silver lining here, I don’t think we give the Fox News gang enough credit for their acting — it’s really good.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (What’s His Number Edition)“According to newly released records, Donald Trump Jr. texted then-White House chief of staff Mark Meadows during January’s Capitol attack, urging him to make President Trump condemn the violence. Then he texted again, saying, ‘Fine, I’ll tell him myself — just give me his number.’” — SETH MEYERS“Yeah, Trump ignored the advice of those closest to him and also Don Jr.” — JIMMY FALLON“And then this text: He said, ‘Dad, you have to stop this right now.’ He wrote back, ‘Who is this?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You cannot give Don that number. It’s too risky — he might give it to Eric.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Don Jr. texted Meadows, asking him to do something. Meanwhile, Eric Trump texted, ‘Does anyone know where my Paw Patrol slippers are?’” — JAMES CORDEN“Now clearly, Don Jr.’s texts didn’t work, which honestly I’m kind of glad about because the only thing worse than an insurrection would have been to thank Don Jr. for stopping the insurrection.” — TREVOR NOAH“Of course, Don Jr. has spent the last 11 months praising his father’s lack of action. And Eric — his son, Eric Trump, didn’t send any texts at all. He did not text Mark Meadows, because, well, in fairness he was stuck in a claw machine at a Dave & Buster’s in Silver Spring.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingWill Forte joined his friend and former “Saturday Night Live” co-star Seth Meyers for some day drinking on Tuesday’s “Late Night.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night“The Late Show” will celebrate the 20th anniversary of “Lord of the Rings.”Also, Check This OutJamie Mccarthy/Getty ImagesJohn Cameron Mitchell takes inspiration from New Orleans, modern fairy tales and Mavis Staples. More

    • 100 Shares119 Views

      in Television

      Stephen Colbert Comments on the ‘Slides of Sedition’

      by

      Colbert couldn’t believe Congress is currently investigating a 38-page PowerPoint document detailing plans to overturn the 2020 election.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Slides of Sedition’The House committee investigating the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol is looking into a 38-page PowerPoint document sent to President Trump’s chief of staff, Mark Meadows, that included plans to overturn the 2020 election.“PowerPoint? They weren’t just trying to overturn democracy, they were trying to bore it to death,” Stephen Colbert said on Monday night.“So what was in these slides of sedition? We’re not exactly sure yet, but there is one deck that’s been circulating, that may be the deck in question, and one of the slides on that was a list of recommendations, including a plan to ‘declare a national security emergency.’ I’m sure exactly how you do that. I assume by breaking into every broadcast using the emergency [expletive] system.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“They were also planning to declare electronic voting in all states invalid. Instead, they wanted to rely on ‘legal and genuine paper ballot counts.’ OK, so if you can’t trust computers, how are you giving your presentation, via PowerPoint pigeon? They’re staging a coup-coup!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That’s right, they wrote down their plans for a coup in a PowerPoint. You know what that means — Congress is going to have to subpoena Clippy. That’s from our new segment, ‘Jokes from 1995.’” — SETH MEYERS“Even the Mafia knows to use code words. If the Mafia ever made a PowerPoint presentation, it would say something vague like, ‘Plan for the guys at the place to do the thing.’ ‘OK, boss, what’s the next slide?’ ‘There’s no more slides. There’s just the one slide.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Elon Musk Edition)“Time magazine today unveiled their annual person of the year, and that person is Elon Musk or as I call him, Old Sheldon.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Person of the year is believed to be the highest honor ever awarded to a person who cuts his own hair.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“In response to this, Jeff Bezos just bought Time magazine.” — JAMES CORDEN“He was going to go out and buy a copy, but then he realized he’d have to pay taxes on it, so it was, you know, not worth it.” — SETH MEYERS“It’s important to note this is not necessarily a compliment. Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump were also named person of the year. Time — for real — Time is basically your dad watching a bad Super Bowl commercial, and going, ‘Hey, love him or hate him, we’re all talking about him, right?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Man, I’m so happy for him. Like the guy could really use an ego boost, you know?” — TREVOR NOAH“And honestly you can’t argue with this. I mean, richest man in the world, who also control space, crypto and electric cars? Who would even be second place, like maybe Pete Davidson, maybe?” — TREVOR NOAH“Yeah, Musk received the honor for his work in space exploration and after he bought 10 million subscriptions to Time magazine.” — JIMMY FALLON“I’m kidding, although it was a little strange that everyone at Time drove into work today in a brand-new Tesla.” — JIMMY FALLON“Being named person of the year is a big deal. It’s basically ‘sexiest man alive,’ but you’re competing against the Dalai Lama and the pope.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingTom Holland, Regina King and Ted Danson are just a few of the celebrities reading mean tweets about themselves in a new edition of the popular recurring segment of “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightChelsea Handler will stop by Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutJim Henson with Big Bird, as seen in “Street Gang: How We Got Sesame Street.” The HBO documentary uses file footage and new interviews to detail the early years of the influential show.Sesame Workshop/HBOA new documentary about “Sesame Street” details how social purpose has always been a part of the long-running children’s show. More

    • 138 Shares119 Views

      in Television

      Late Night Is Tired of Tucker Carlson’s ‘Foaming’ at the News

      by

      The Fox News host joined his network in insisting the company’s burned-down Christmas tree is proof of the war on Christmas.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Fired UpOn Thursday, Fox News hosts continued their insistence that the Christmas tree outside its headquarters had been burned down as part of the war on Christmas.Jimmy Kimmel said the network must not have had anything else to talk about this week, “because they really went to town on this ‘We have been victimized’ jag, and no one did more phony foaming at the mouth than the little dumber boy,” referring to Tucker Carlson.“According to Tucker Carlson, this is not an isolated incident of some disturbed rando lighting their tree on fire,” Stephen Colbert said, even though the police have said the suspect was a homeless man, and that drugs or mental illness could have been a factor in the torching.Seth Meyers imitated Carlson during one of his monologues.“[imitating Carlson] When will it end? Will every new variant mean new powers for our political class? Will they be able to test you, trace you, come to your house and inject you with a microchip hidden in a vaccine that tracks your movements? And will that tracking microchip allow them to see that you went to the anime convention, in secret, of course, because you didn’t want your friends at Fox News to know you’re into that kind of thing. And will they find out about the time you asked Sean Hannity what he thought of ‘Dragon Ball Z,’ and he looked at you like you were crazy, and that hurt your feelings so much that you ran into the bathroom to cry, only to realize you had run into the women’s bathroom and you were so worried that someone would see you run out that you instead removed a ceiling panel and climbed into a heating duct for the purposes of shimmying back to your office, not knowing that the duct wouldn’t be strong enough to support your weight, causing you to, mid-shimmy, collapse through the ceiling, where you landed on top of Rupert Murdoch’s desk while he was sitting at it, causing him to look up from his soup and yell ‘Crikey!’ Will that happen to you? Well, I can tell you it will because it happened to me.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Hillary’s MasterClass Edition)“Oof, that is brutal! And the way she’s sitting like that, and she’s reading it to us, it’s like the world’s most depressing fairy tale: ‘Once upon a time, an ogre crushed the dreams of a princess, and nobody lived happily ever after. The end.’” — TREVOR NOAH“But, yes, Hillary Clinton is giving a master class on resiliency that’s now available everywhere —except in Wisconsin, for some reason.” — TREVOR NOAH“And in it, she reads the victory speech she never got to deliver. And I really love how she’s like, ‘I’ve never shared this speech with anybody before. it was too painful. You’re paying me how much? Oh, well, I guess I could read a few pages.’” — TREVOR NOAH“Wait, why? We don’t want to hear that. You know when we wanted to hear that? After the election in 2016.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“What is this? What is she doing? Is this a Christmas present for Donald Trump?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s like she made him a cameo video for his birthday.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingOn their Thursday night episode, Desus and Mero tried to convince the actress Sandra Bullock to reboot “Miss Congeniality.”Also, Check This OutClockwise from top left: Norah Jones, Bryson Tiller, Kelly Clarkson and She & Him are entering (and in some cases, returning to) the holiday music scene this year.Kelly Clarkson and Bryson Tiller are just two artists with holiday albums redefining the genre. More

    • 163 Shares179 Views

      in Television

      Late Night Has Some Ideas on Who Set the Fox Christmas Tree Ablaze

      by

      “The fire is believed to have started after Fox News’ pants caught on fire,” Jimmy Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.We Didn’t Start the FireA 50-foot tree in front of Fox News’s New York City headquarters was set on fire early Wednesday.“The fire is believed to have started after Fox News’ pants caught on fire,” Jimmy Kimmel joked.“The fire is believed to have started because Judge Jeanine Pirro ate one too many rum balls and breathed on a cigarette.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I’ve seen trees — this is not one of them. That is a hollow structure that sort of resembles a tree, in the same way Tucker Carlson is a hollow structure that sort of resembles a human.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And Fox News tried to warn us this was coming. Every time a store clerk says, ‘Happy holidays,’ a Christmas tree bursts into flames.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Authorities arrested a suspect last night, and police say that they believe he is homeless and mental illness may have played a factor. Homeless and mentally ill? Oh, my God — the fire was set by Bill O’Reilly!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“[To the tune of ‘It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas’] It’s beginning to look a lot like arson, everywhere you go. Take a look at the tree and then, the flames are roaring once again. Doocy, stop, drop, roll.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Fired Up Edition)“Even though lighting trees on fire is very much in line with Fox’s position on climate change, the hosts of their morning show were very upset today.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And it is not clear how this happened. It could be an accident. It could be arson. It could be Santifa.” — TREVOR NOAH“Now, I know what you’re thinking, but the ghost of Hugo Chavez has an alibi.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Of course, this never would have happened if the tree had a gun.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee got a tattoo to commemorate her 200th episode of “Full Frontal.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightMichael B. Jordan will sit down with Stephen Colbert on Thursday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutAlexa VisciusThe “Hacks” star Meg Stalter loves Dolly Parton, Instagram Live and private karaoke. More

    • 113 Shares189 Views

      in Television

      Trevor Noah Suggests Sending Marjorie Taylor Greene to Beijing

      by

      “If you want to get back at China, you have Marjorie Taylor Greene in the stands,” Noah said of the U.S. diplomatic boycott of the Olympics.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Icy Diplomatic RelationsPresident Biden on Monday announced that the U.S. would not be sending diplomats to the 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing, citing China’s human rights abuses.Trevor Noah said that American diplomats would have to watch the Winter Games like the rest of us, “by turning on the TV and then getting bored after three minutes and then turning it off.”“He’s not about to fly across 12 time zones to watch a bunch of Norwegians sweep an ice rink.” — TREVOR NOAH, on Joe Biden“And that’s a real shame that the Americans officials won’t be at the Olympics, because you realize Kamala Harris was about to become the first Black woman to ever watch a hockey game.” — TREVOR NOAH“That’s the one cool reason to be president, right? Most of us, if we don’t want to do something, we have to come up with some lame excuse, and then everyone else shows up and talks about how he didn’t come. But if you are president, you can just be like, ‘Diplomatic boycott: No one is allowed to attend Emily’s birthday brunch.’” — TREVOR NOAH“If you want to get back at China, you have Marjorie Taylor Greene in the stands.” — TREVOR NOAH“Nothing will convince China to change their ways like not sending the secretary of agriculture to the Olympics.” — JIMMY FALLON“When the news broke, everyone’s mom was like, ‘The oiled-up flag bearer from Tonga will still be there, right?’” — JIMMY FALLON“It’s different from our last Olympic diplomatic boycott, which was just Mike Pence refusing to watch men’s doubles luge.” — JIMMY FALLONTalk About Man-SpreadingJimmy Kimmel and Seth Meyers weighed in on news that Donald Trump came into contact with at least 500 people after testing positive for the coronavirus.“He’s like the Johnny Appleseed of Covid,” Meyers joked.“So, it turns out that Trump tested positive for Covid before a presidential debate with Joe Biden and kept it a secret. Although, in retrospect, I feel like maybe we should’ve known from that debate that he had something, based on his performance. It was either Covid or rabies.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right — he could have knowingly infected hundreds of people with a deadly virus himself. You know, when you’re a star, they let you do it — you can do anything.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump took no precautions after testing positive. He didn’t cancel events; he was maskless inside the White House and on Air Force One. It’s almost like, you know, if you didn’t know him better, it’s almost like he doesn’t care about others.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Variations on a Theme Edition)“Everybody’s talking about it, but nobody really knows what the story is really about, because it’s all Omicron — Omicron this and Omicron that. But we don’t really understand if it’s going to change anything. We don’t ‘knowmicron’ about Omicron.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So far, Omicron appears to be milder and more infectious than Delta, and that may be happening because, according to a new study, ‘It shares genetic code with the common cold.’ This pandemic has gone on so long, we’re officially in the remix stage. The next variant’s going to be Covid, featuring shingles, the Skrillex mix.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Well, here’s some good news. Dr. Fauci said that the first data on the severity of the Omicron variant is ‘encouraging.’ Yeah, that’s what passes for good news in 2021.” — JIMMY FALLON“Dr. Fauci says that while it’s still too early to know for sure, it looks like Omicron spreads more easily than Delta but may be less severe, yeah — which means Covid might have watered itself down so it could reach more people — like the Ice Cube of corona variants.” — TREVOR NOAH“The new deadly virus variant is only worrisome. People were like, ‘This calls for a tepid uncertain celebration.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yep, it’s encouraging, which is positive enough to continue with your holiday plans, but vague enough to make you spend the entire time freaking out.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingTig Notaro talked about going back on the road for her “Hello Again” tour while on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightKristin Davis and Cynthia Nixon will talk about their new “Sex and the City” reboot on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutBradley Cooper, left, with Cooper Hoffman and Alana Haim in “Licorice Pizza.” Once she mastered driving the truck, she said, “I felt like a badass.” MGM, via Associated PressAlana Haim is as surprised as anyone that she’s getting rave reviews for her acting debut in “Licorice Pizza.” More