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      Rudy Giuliani’s Rowdy 9/11 Speech Leaves Late-Night Hosts Reeling

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      ‘I’m not saying Rudy was drunk, but that’s usually when guys from Brooklyn start to imitate the queen of England,’ Seth Meyers said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘What Is He Doing?’This weekend’s 20th anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks would not appear to be very good fodder for lighthearted late-night humor. But that was until Rudy Giuliani got involved.On Saturday, Giuliani turned a speech commemorating the occasion into a wandering, unfunny but still-comic monologue. He impersonated Queen Elizabeth II and reminisced awkwardly about his run-ins with Prince Andrew.Trevor Noah was one of many late-night hosts who responded with baffled amusement.“You know your speech went off the rails when people watching it are like: ‘I wish this guy would talk more about 9/11. What is he doing?’” — TREVOR NOAHOn “Late Night,” Seth Meyers said there was reason to agree with the commentators who suggested that Giuliani was not in full command of his faculties.“I’m not saying Rudy was drunk, but that’s usually when guys from Brooklyn start to imitate the queen of England.” — SETH MEYERS“I guess Rudy can add this tape to his reel of impressions if he ever auditions for ‘America’s Not Talent.’” — SETH MEYERSTaco Bell EnvironmentalismTaco Bell recently started a program that aims to help customers recycle the plastic from used sauce packets by having them mail those packets back.Noah said the idea deserved points for creativity but probably wouldn’t actually do much to help the environment.“This idea has all sorts of problems with it. For one thing, people who eat at Taco Bell don’t care about the environment. I mean, they don’t even care about their own bodies.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yeah, this is a weird idea, but what did you expect? Coming up with weird ideas is Taco Bell’s whole thing. This is a place that will still wrap a soft shell around a hard shell and wrap that inside a Dorito’s chip — which is delicious, but you really think their idea to save the environment is going to make sense?” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (M.T.A. Edition)“At the Washington Football Team’s season opener, a pipe at the stadium burst over a group of fans, and some people said it might have been sewage. I don’t know; take a look. [Shows footage] Well, that’s a good omen for the season, you know? Washington is still looking for a team name; it’s too bad the Browns are already taken.” — JIMMY FALLON“An investigation concluded last week that a recent M.T.A. subway outage that shut down 83 trains was caused by someone accidentally flipping a power switch. Said one man, ‘So thaaaat’s what it does.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingDr. Anthony Fauci talked to Noah about combating vaccine hesitancy and what he called the need for vaccine mandates.Jimmy Kimmel’s wife, Molly McNearney, came up with a skit that allows her to declutter their house at the same time: It’s called “Win Jimmy’s Crap.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightJustice Stephen Breyer, who at 83 has been fending off calls from fellow liberals to step down, will talk to Stephen Colbert on Tuesday. Will Colbert hold his feet to the fire?Also, Check This OutThe Metropolitan Opera performed Verdi’s Requiem on Saturday, the company’s first time playing inside its theater since March 2020.Richard Termine/Met OperaAnthony Tommasini, The Times’s chief classical music critic, gave an enthusiastic review to the first performance at the Metropolitan Opera since the start of the coronavirus pandemic: a staging on Saturday of Verdi’s Requiem in commemoration of 9/11. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel: Herd Immunity Doesn’t Mean Taking Horse Medicine

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      “Vaxxed and waxed. He wants his mailmen smooth,” Kimmel joked of President Biden’s new vaccine requirements for federal employees on Thursday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘The Variants Are Coming!’On Thursday, President Biden announced new vaccine requirements for federal employees and contractors, health care workers and those working at companies with more than 100 employees.“And, of course, a lot of people are upset about this,” Jimmy Kimmel said. “They don’t want to be told what to do — not even by the doctors who they will eventually rush to to beg for help when they get sick.”“Vaxxed and waxed. He wants his mailmen smooth.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This really does feel like when your dad stops threatening and actually does turn the car around.” — JAMES CORDEN“But you know, there’s a reason pandemic movies end when the hero finds the cure for the disease. There’s no ‘Contagion’ sequel with Matt Damon running around trying to convince everyone to take the vaccine — they just take the vaccine. And thank God, by the way — he sucks. We don’t need more movies with him.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Vaccine mandates have a proud history in this country. During a smallpox outbreak in 1777, George Washington required his troops to be immunized. And who can forget the immortal words of Paul Revere: ‘One if by J.&J., two if by Pfizer. The variants are coming! The variants are coming!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But, still, I don’t know, like a quarter of the country thinks herd immunity means they should be taking livestock medicine instead of the vaccination.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Biden said it’s time to stop horsing around — and then he was like, ‘No, seriously, stop taking horse medicine.’” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (She’s Back Edition)“The Biden administration yesterday removed 18 military academy board members that were appointed by Trump, including haunted Dollar Store Barbie doll Kellyanne Conway. Which, there’s a name I haven’t said in a while: Kellyanne Conway. I’m not gonna say it any more times. I’ve seen ‘Candyman.’ I know what might happen.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Why were there still any Trump holdovers anyway? That’s like moving into a rent-controlled apartment the last guy died in and keeping all the expired whitefish in the refrigerator.” — SETH MEYERS“And why was Kellyanne Conway on an Air Force advisory board? If she ever flew an F-16 or what she probably calls an F-17, I guess we would end up in a ravine, her standing on a tarmac in a parachute claiming it was a successful landing.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingStephen Colbert spoke with Steve Burns from “Blues Clues,” who went viral this week with a heartfelt video that addressed his abrupt departure from the beloved children’s show close to 20 years ago.Also, Check This OutSeth Meyers was among Kelly Clarkson’s guests during a string of New York episodes taped at Jazz at Lincoln Center.Weiss Eubanks/NBCAfter two years of her daytime show, much of that during a pandemic, Kelly Clarkson has hit her stride as a talk show host. More

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      Samantha Bee Blasts Supreme Court for Allowing the Texas Abortion Ban

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      The “Full Frontal” host wasn’t happy about the state’s law, which outlaws abortion after six weeks, or the high court’s decision not to block it.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Taking Issue With TexasSamantha Bee lashed out on Wednesday at the Supreme Court’s conservative majority, after the court refused to block a law that has effectively ended legal abortion in Texas.The Texas law effectively outlaws abortion after six weeks of pregnancy — earlier than many women realize they are pregnant.“Technically, you’re six weeks pregnant just two weeks after you miss a period — which is a [beep] nightmare, because periods can be irregular for all kinds of reasons. I skipped a period when I started this job and at the 2018 People’s Choice Awards when Willem Dafoe looked at me too hard. (That was before he became Willem Dafriend.)” — SAMANTHA BEEBee quoted from Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s ardent dissent, in which the justice said her colleagues had refused “to enjoin a flagrantly unconstitutional law” and instead “opted to bury their heads in the sand.”“Damn, I haven’t seen heard a Supreme Court justice speak that passionately about a case since Sandra Day O’Connor’s decision on Kramer v. Kramer. She chose ‘Seinfeld’ Kramer! She said the laughter he brings is almost unconstitutional.” — SAMANTHA BEEReacting to a tweet from Gov. Kristi Noem of South Dakota suggesting that her state might emulate the Texas law, Bee paused on Noem’s mention of South Dakota’s official “unborn child advocate.” Then the host put up a picture (rather unflattering) of Mark Miller, the man who holds that position, and delivered a few blows that were aimed at his face but still felt below the belt.“It’s weird that he’s pro-life because with a face like that, I would want to be dead.” — SAMANTHA BEE“You can’t be pro-birth if you look like you broke out of a cloning pod before you finished.” — SAMANTHA BEE“We need to fight this oppressive law, and all the others that come after it, because no person should be forced to give birth — or look into this man’s face. I just missed my period again.” — SAMANTHA BEEHaving Fun With Virus FrustrationOn “The Tonight Show,” when Jimmy Fallon touched on President Biden’s attempts to control the coronavirus pandemic, his jokes were tinged with cynicism.“Tomorrow, President Biden is giving a major speech on the next phase of his pandemic response. Americans said they can’t wait to hear the speech, and then crowded into a bar for tomorrow’s N.F.L. kickoff.” — JIMMY FALLON“Biden will lay out a six-pronged strategy. And apparently one prong is building a border wall between the U.S. and Florida.” — JIMMY FALLONJimmy Kimmel sounded like he was equally fed up with antimaskers.“Maybe they should have a separate airline for people who won’t wear a mask: JetFlu.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Delta Air Lines Edition)“A 4-year-old girl named Scarlett just climbed her 48th mountain peak. That’s great, but she doesn’t have Instagram, so did it really happen?” — JIMMY FALLON“The C.E.O. of the airline Delta has revealed he’s still refusing to call it the Delta variant. That’s important, I can totally understand that, because being associated with a communicable disease is not great for business. That’s why stores no longer carry the tasty Syphilis Jam. You remember their motto: ‘Nothing spreads like Syphilis!’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingSeth Meyers offered his own criticisms of the Supreme Court’s decision on the Texas abortion law.Will exposure therapy help Guillermo overcome a lifelong fear of snakes?What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightOn “The Late Show” on Thursday, Sarah Paulson will talk about playing Linda Tripp on the new FX series “Impeachment: American Crime Story,” and the country singer Kacey Musgraves will perform a song from her new album, “Star-Crossed.”Also, Check This OutLindsey Buckingham’s self-titled solo album, his first since being ousted from Fleetwood Mac in 2018, is due this month.Chantal Anderson for The New York TimesLindsey Buckingham is once again an ex-member of Fleetwood Mac, after his long-simmering tensions with Stevie Nicks bubbled over (not for the first time). He has a new solo album out. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Skewers ‘Pan-dimwits’ Taking Horse Dewormer

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      “Meanwhile, these poor horses are like: ‘Hey, I have worms — I need that stuff. There are worms in my butt, do you understand?’” Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Still Horsing AroundJimmy Kimmel returned to his show on Tuesday after taking the summer off.“I leave you people alone for two months, you start taking horse worm medicine?” the host said.Kimmel offered a name for people who have taken the medicine, ivermectin, as a supposed cure for Covid-19: “pan-dimwits.” There is no evidence that the drug is effective against Covid, and the health authorities have warned that it could pose a serious danger to humans.“So you will probably still get Covid, but on the bright side, you could win the Preakness.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Poison-control centers across the country have seen a spike in calls from people taking livestock medicine to fight the coronavirus, but they won’t take the vaccine, which is crazy. It’s like if you’re a vegan and you’re like, ‘No, I don’t want a hamburger — give me that can of Alpo instead.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Worst of all, it tastes yucky. Luckily, the internet is loaded with advice on how to make it more palatable, including mixing it with jellies or eating it as a sandwich. Or throw it on your roast beef — technically, it is horsey sauce.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“In fact, it says right on the label: ‘For a horse’s [expletive].’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“One of the reasons these Sea Biscuits are opting for ivermectin is because they don’t trust ‘big pharma.’ Which is fine, I guess, except for the fact that ivermectin is made by Merck, which is the fourth-largest pharmaceutical company in the world.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Listen, if a pharmaceutical company says, ‘Please don’t take the drug we’re selling,’ you should probably listen to them. Or you could just go with a TikTok posted by a disgraced veterinarian instead.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Meanwhile, these poor horses are like, ‘Hey, I have worms — I need that stuff. There are worms in my butt, do you understand?’”— JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Worst Butt Dial Ever Edition)“And finally, I read that surgeons successfully removed a Nokia cellphone from a man’s body after he swallowed it whole. The kids were so embarrassed. They’re like, ‘Dad, please swallow an iPhone next time.’” — JIMMY FALLON“He swallowed a Nokia phone. More like Choke-ia phone.” — JAMES CORDEN“His phone got wet and he needed to put it in rice immediately, but he had eaten all of his rice.” — JAMES CORDEN“Even worse, after four days, the man still had zero notifications.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s why I always buy the extra-long 10-foot charge cord, always. I know it’s a little bit more, but you’re happy you paid that money when you’re like, ‘Got it!’”— JAMES CORDEN“When reached for a comment, the man said he didn’t swallow it — it was just the worst butt dial ever.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingAmber Ruffin challenged Texas on its new abortion ban and made the case for a federally funded pedicure on Tuesday’s “Late Night.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightHolland Taylor (“The Chair”) will sit down with Stephen Colbert on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutSarah Paulson, left, as Linda Tripp and Beanie Feldstein as Monica Lewinsky in “Impeachment: American Crime Story” on FX.Antony Platt/FX“American Crime Story: Impeachment” focuses less on the White House and more on the women who were involved with and affected by the scandal. More

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      Stephen Colbert on the Chaotic Regime Change (Not That One)

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      Colbert brought “Late Show” viewers up to speed on the fallout from the search for a new “Jeopardy!” host. Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Double JeopardyOn Thursday night, Stephen Colbert opened his monologue by addressing what he said was on his audience’s mind.“They want to hear me talk about the big story everybody’s talking about right now,” Colbert said: “the chaos surrounding the recent poorly handled regime change — over at ‘Jeopardy!’”“And for some reason, everyone is talking about this — possibly to avoid talking about everything else.” — STEPHEN COLBERTColbert recounted how the game show’s search for Alex Trebek’s successor, which included tryouts by guest hosts like LeVar Burton and Katie Couric, ended last week when “the executive producers of ‘Jeopardy!’ selected executive producer Mike Richards.”“Wow, what are the odds? Exactly the same as me getting named ‘Stephen Colbert Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.’ Suck it, Ryan Gosling!” — STEPHEN COLBERTBut since then, Colbert continued, “crude comments about women, Jews and Haiti” that Richards made on a podcast years ago have emerged. “Ooh, looks like Richards’s job might be in … jeopardy!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“At this rate, he’s going to be the first ‘Jeopardy’ host to actually invoke double jeopardy: ‘Objection: I already got in trouble for that one. What? Oh, I’m sorry — what is ‘objection’?” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (OnlyFans Edition)“Earlier today OnlyFans announced that it’s going to block all X-rated content starting in October. What? This would be like Playboy only printing the articles, you know what I’m saying?” — JIMMY FALLON“Also just a side note, if you’re watching this with someone, and they quickly ask, ‘What’s OnlyFans?’ Trust me, they know exactly what it is.’” — JIMMY FALLON“They know that fans of OnlyFans are only fans of one thing, right?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Reportedly, ‘OnlyFans was struggling to find outside investors because of its adult content.’ Evidently, pornography does not live up to the high moral standards of investment bankers, unless it’s them [expletive] the economy. Then it’s fine.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, there’s a bright side to banning shots of where the sun don’t shine, because OnlyFans says while sexually explicit material will be banned, nudity that is not sexually explicit will remain allowed. So you can only post nude images that would never turn on anyone — and, I’m sorry, I just don’t need the money that badly.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingOn “The Tonight Show,” The Roots improvised a song about the chemistry on the new season of “Bachelor in Paradise.”Also, Check This OutJeremy O. Harris and Whitney Peak during the taping of a “Gossip Girl” episode in which characters attend a new play by Harris.Karolina Wojtasik, via HBO MaxThe reboot of “Gossip Girl” featured a scene from a Jeremy O. Harris play that didn’t really exist. Now it’s been commissioned by the Public Theater. More

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      Conan O’Brien Bids Farewell to Late Night

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      After 28 years on late-night television and 11 years on TBS, O’Brien is moving on to HBO Max.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.To Be ContinuedAfter 28 years on late night and 11 years on TBS, Conan O’Brien bade farewell on Thursday night, thanking the network, producers, writers, family and fans.“I’ve devoted all of my adult life — all of it — to pursuing this strange phantom intersection between smart and stupid. And there’s a lot of people who believe the two cannot coexist, but god, I will tell you, it is something that I believe religiously. I think when smart and stupid come together, it’s very difficult, but if you can make it happen, I think it’s the most beautiful thing in the world,” O’Brien said.He ended on an optimistic note ahead of his move to HBO Max.“So my advice to people watching out there right now — it’s not easy to do. It’s not easy to do. It’s not easy to do, but try — try and do what you love with people you love. And if you can manage that, it’s the definition of heaven on earth. I swear to God, it really is,” O’Brien said.Homer Simpson made a special appearance to conduct the exit interview, harking back to O’Brien’s first job, writing for “The Simpsons.”On his show, Jimmy Kimmel congratulated O’Brien on his run, joking, “Anyway, here’s to Conan and Andy Richter, and congratulations to Jay Leno on his new time slot at TBS.”The Punchiest Punchlines (America’s Mayor Edition)“Speaking of New York, the state just suspended Rudy Giuliani from practicing law because of his repeated false and misleading statements about the election. Even Rudy was like, ‘What the hell took you so long?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Former Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani has been banned from practicing law in the state of New York. ‘I object,’ said people at his wedding.” — SETH MEYERS“You know you’ve crossed the line when other lawyers are, like, ‘This guy lies way too much.’” — JIMMY FALLON“I mean, I’m just shocked to find out Rudy had a law license. I bet Rudy is, too: [imitating Giuliani] ‘I thought that was my Quiznos card — I’m one hole punch away from a free sub!’” — SETH MEYERS“This is a dramatic fall from grace. In the city he was famously the mayor of, Rudy Giuliani can no longer practice law. And if the last year has proven anything, it’s that when it comes to law, Rudy needs a lot of practice.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“How is he gonna eat? And, more likely, drink? Well, if he needs cash, he could always sell the fracking rights to his skull.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s a mixed bag for Rudy. The bad news, he can’t practice law in New York; the good news, he can’t defend himself at his next trial.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Black-ish” and “Grown-ish” star Yara Shahidi sat down with Desus and Mero to talk about growing up in front of the camera and encountering fans who don’t know her real name.Also, Check This OutElla Fitzgerald performing on “The Ed Sullivan Show” in 1965. Her performance with Duke Ellington is one of hundreds now available on the show’s official YouTube channel.CBS, via YouTube“The Ed Sullivan Show” went off the air 50 years ago, but some of its best episodes can be found on YouTube. More

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      Late Night Reams Republicans for Blocking the For the People Act

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      “The Republicans instead supported the ‘For Some of the People — We Can’t Say It Out Loud, but You Know Which Ones We Mean — Act,’” Stephen Colbert said of the voting rights bill.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Who’s the Fairest of Them AllRepublicans blocked a far-reaching voting rights bill, known as the For the People Act, in the Senate on Tuesday.“The Republicans instead supported the ‘For Some of the People — We Can’t Say It Out Loud, but You Know Which Ones We Mean — Act,’” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday night.“The Senate voted yesterday to block the For the People voting rights bill, but not until they got their voting paperwork in order. Let’s see, I got my license, passport, tax returns, high school yearbook. OK, I think I’m ready for my riddle.” — SETH MEYERS“Senate Republicans haven’t been this happy since Kenny G started touring again.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yep, Democrats wanted things like automatic voter registration and Election Day to be a national holiday, while Republicans wanted every polling place to be at a yacht club.” — JIMMY FALLON“Republican Senator Mike Lee said in an interview yesterday with Fox News host Sean Hannity that the For the People voting rights act was, quote, ‘written in hell by the devil himself,’ which is also what it says on the poster for ‘F9.’” — SETH MEYERS“Yes, the Senate’s founding purpose: to do nothing. It’s right there in Article I: ‘All legislative powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States, which shall consist of a Senate, where one wizened, ancient turtle man, with no regard for anything but the self-preservation of his own power, shall, with his pockets stuffed with greasy bags full of money, strangle the hope of all who dare to dream of true democracy, and recognize April as National Jazz Month.’”— STEPHEN COLBERT, on Senator Mitch McConnell’s saying the Senate was fulfilling its “founding purpose”The Punchiest Punchlines (Dad, You’re Embarrassing Me Edition)“Speaking of the former president, his daughter and son-in-law don’t want to, because reports say that Ivanka and Jared Kushner have distanced themselves from the former president and his constant complaints. That complaint? [imitating Trump] ‘Why does he get to date my daughter? Doesn’t seem fair. We’re both family.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Trump has become so distant from Ivanka that he started to call her ‘Eric.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“When he heard that one of his kids wanted distance, Trump was like, ‘Please be Eric, please be Eric!’” — JIMMY FALLON“Apparently the feeling is somewhat mutual, because insiders say there is jealousy from the former president about Kushner’s ‘seven-figure book deal.’ Early reports are that Jared’s book is going to be a lot like Jared: glossy and no spine.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Wednesday’s “Late Show,” the actress Christine Baranski joined Colbert in singing “Side by Side by Side” from Stephen Sondheim’s “Company.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightJack Black will be the final guest on Conan O’Brien’s TBS talk show.Also, Check This OutEd McMahon seemed to define the job when he worked with Johnny Carson on “The Tonight Show.”NBCU Photo Bank/NBCUniversal, via Getty ImagesFrom Ed McMahon to Andy Richter, late-night shows have a long history of sidekicks. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel: Trump Can’t Take a Joke

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      The former president denied reports that he tried to use his office to keep late-night shows from poking fun at him. “Not only that, he wanted Guillermo to pay for the wall,” Kimmel said on Tuesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now. More