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      Stephen Colbert Likens Trump’s Tariffs to an Economic Infection

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      “Has anyone thought about injecting our money with bleach?” Colbert said after President Trump’s new tariffs tanked the stock market on Thursday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Downward SpiralThe stock market had its worst day in five years on Thursday, the first day of trading on Wall Street since President Trump announced his new tariffs.“So, worst day for our economy since Covid,” Stephen Colbert said. “Just a little reminder: This time, he’s the disease.”“Has anyone — and I’m just spitballin’ here — has anyone thought about injecting our money with bleach?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Everyone’s wondering how Trump decided on a tariff rate for each country. Well, it turns out a very precise mathematical formula was created. And then Trump just said, ‘Forget that — we’re doing it Plinko style.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yep, Trump’s tariffs went all the way from 54 percent to 10 percent, and today, so did his approval rating.” — JIMMY FALLON“But, you know what, I’m not too concerned about Donald Trump not understanding how his tariffs work, because he’s Donald Trump — he doesn’t understand how to make money running a casino.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Now, one bit of good news comin’ out of all this: It’s all pretty solid proof there is no deep state, ’cause if there was, they would’ve stopped this [expletive], OK? But if they do exist, I just want to say to the cabal of financial and governmental elites who pull all the strings behind the scenes, maybe put a pause on your 5G-chip JFK Jr. adrenochrome chemtrail orgy and jump in here, ’cause we’re [expletive] dying.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Mr. Worldwide Edition)“Yesterday, Donald Trump announced sweeping tariffs across the entire globe: Asia, South America, Narnia, Arendelle, Wakanda, Bachelor Nation.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“President Trump yesterday announced a base line tariff affecting more than 180 countries, including a group of uninhabited islands near Antarctica. So, let that be a warning to you, great Pacific garbage patch.” — SETH MEYERS“Yeah, we put a 10 percent tariff on an island that only has penguins? Trump would have been better off tariffing that island Tom Hanks got stranded on. At least it had one guy and that li’l volleyball he was [expletive].” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Is this a mistake? Look, I know old people butt-dial strangers all the time, but this is the first time I’ve heard of someone butt-tariffing an entire country.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Yep, Trump put tariffs on almost every single country, and as you would expect, the world is pretty mad at us. Right now, Epcot is down to two countries.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThursday’s “Tonight Show” musical guest Perfume Genius performed “It’s a Mirror” from his new album “Glory.”Also, Check This Out“‘The Lost Albums’ were full records, some of them even to the point of being mixed and not released,” Bruce Springsteen said in a statement.Sara Krulwich/The New York TimesBruce Springsteen announced a new boxed set featuring 83 songs, including 74 that have never been released. More

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      Late Night Debriefs After a ‘Tariff-fying’ Day at the White House

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      Stephen Colbert said that, thanks to President Trump, “America is finally free from the tyranny of being able to buy stuff from other countries.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Just ‘Tariffic’On Wednesday, President Donald Trump held an event at the White House to announce new international tariffs during what he referred to as “Liberation Day.”Stephen Colbert said that, thanks to Trump, “America is finally free from the tyranny of being able to buy stuff from other countries.”“Who’s ready to learn how to make their own iPad from scratch?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Right, ‘Liberation Day. That sounds like the fake holiday your friends make up after you get dumped: ‘No, man. Who needs that beautiful, smart, independently wealthy woman in your life, when you can die alone? This is your liberation day, bro!’” — MICHAEL KOSTA“OK, so Liberation Day is just the day that Trump announced new tariffs. I kind of doubt this day will be remembered for all of history, but if you give me a day off from work, you can call it whatever you want.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Now, you might be thinking, ‘What am I even being liberated from? The ability to afford goods and services?’” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Reportedly, Trump was still weighing tariff options until late yesterday. Now, if you’re not steeped in the wonky language of Beltway insiders, that basically means they were spitballin’ ideas through the bathroom door at 3 a.m.: ‘[imitating Trump] Tell you what: What if Ireland has to pay extra to be, uh — to be on the Lucky Charms box? What about that? I’m just spitballin’ here. We stop Count Chocula at the border.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, in his speech, Trump said, ‘[imitating Trump] We’ll make America wealthy again, like it was at the start of my presidency. Six months ago.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, Trump announced tariffs on aluminum, steel and several other items that popped into his head mid-speech.” — JIMMY FALLON“He also expanded the tariffs on aluminum to include canned beer. Even Kid Rock was, like, ‘Um, what are we doing here, man?’” — JIMMY FALLON“The tariffs will raise prices for Americans, and costs could go up by $3,000 per year. Netflix was, like, ‘Game recognize game.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Holding It Edition)“Democratic Senator Cory Booker delivered a 25-hour, four-minute speech yesterday on the Senate floor, shattering Adrien Brody’s record.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, Senator Cory Booker broke the record last night for the longest speech ever delivered on the Senate floor. The previous record was held by Joe Biden after somebody asked, ‘What was it like growing up in Scranton?’” — SETH MEYERS“What an amazing day for Cory Booker. Not so great for the C-SPAN cameraman, who missed the birth of his first child and kindergarten graduation.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“After his speech, Booker said he hadn’t eaten since Friday and stopped drinking fluids on Sunday so he wouldn’t have to go to the bathroom. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders went to the bathroom three different times during this joke.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Is Expecting Tariffs With a Side of Drama

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      New tariffs will be unveiled at the White House Rose Garden — because “when you elect a reality TV star, you get all your economic policy via rose ceremony,” said Stephen Colbert. Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Pack Your Lederhosen’President Trump plans to announce yet more tariffs in the White House Rose Garden on Wednesday (he’s calling it “Liberation Day”).“Like everything, he’s got to make it a spectacle,” Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday.“Because when you elect a reality TV star, you get all your economic policy via rose ceremony.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“[imitating Trump] Germany, I enjoyed our time in the fantasy suite, but your home visit left me cold. Thirty percent tariffs across the board. Pack your lederhosen, Fräulein.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yes, ‘Liberation Day.’ I’m reminded of the immortal words of Patrick Henry: ‘Give me liberty or charge me an extra $10,000 for a Hyundai Elantra.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Trump is set to announce a new set of tariffs tomorrow in what he said will be ‘Liberation Day.’ Ah, yes, the day we’ll all finally be liberated from our 401(k)s.” — SETH MEYERS“Yep, Trump’s calling tomorrow ‘Liberation Day,’ while every stockbroker is calling it ‘Inebriation Day.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Right now, everyone who has invested their savings in Beanie Babies is like, ‘Well, well, well, who’s the idiot now?’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Administrative Error Edition)“On Sunday night, President Trump deported more gang members to El Salvador, including child rapists and convicted killers. It’s all part of a bigger plan to make El Salvador more like Times Square.” — GREG GUTFELDWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jon Stewart: Trump Is ‘Trying to Order Off-Menu From the Constitution’

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      President Trump says there are “methods” by which he could get a third term. “I think you tried one a few years ago,” the “Daily Show” host quipped. Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Animal StyleIn an interview on Sunday, President Trump said he was considering his options for pursuing a third term in office, even though the Constitution forbids it. (He said there were “methods” by which it could be done.)“I’m sorry — ‘considering the option?’” Jon Stewart said on Monday’s “Daily Show.”“What, are you trying to order off-menu from the Constitution? ‘Oh, yeah, I see you got, uh, what do you got, two terms here — but can I get it animal style?’” — JON STEWART“Yes, there are other methods. I think you tried one a few years ago.” — JON STEWART“Although maybe Trump has something more creative in mind with the Vance thing. Have you guys heard of the movie ‘Face/Off?’” — JON STEWART“So aside from the president saying, ‘I’m not leaving,’ is there any other image of the shambolic state of our democracy? Perhaps something that looks like what you might get if you fed ‘the destruction of democracy’ into an A.I. meme generator? Oh, right. Elon Musk. OK.” — JON STEWARTThe Punchiest Punchlines (The Donstitution Edition)“If you don’t like Trump tariffs, and not many people do, don’t you worry: One day he won’t be president — maybe.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Trump said in a new interview that he is ‘not joking’ about seeking a third term and added, ‘There are methods.’ In response, Senate majority leader Chuck Schumer announced that Democrats will have a plan in place to stop him by 2032.” — SETH MEYERS“In fact, he’s already working on some slogans for another run. I’m going to show you what I mean. First, there’s ‘Trump ’28: I Edited the Constitution With a Sharpie, and the Donstitution Says It’s Legal.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Up next, there’s ‘Trump ’28: Remember How Awesome It Was to Have a President in His 80s?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Here’s another one: ‘Trump ’28: Greenland Is Now Worth 300 Electoral Votes.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Then there’s ‘Trump ’28: It’s Totally Legal, According to New Supreme Court Justices Jake and Logan Paul.” — JIMMY FALLON“And, finally, ‘Trump ’28: If You Vote for Me, I’ll Add You to the Top-Secret Group Chat.’”— JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Monday’s “Late Night,” the comedian Amber Ruffin addressed the White House Correspondents’ Association’s cancellation of her planned performance at its black-tie dinner.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightMichelle Williams will discuss her new FX dramedy “Dying for Sex” on “The Late Show.”Also, Check This OutUsing footage the residents had filmed on a tiny camera, “Secret Mall Apartment” places their stunt in the context of the rapid gentrification that was happening at the time.Michael TownsendA new documentary, “Secret Mall Apartment,” recounts how eight artists managed to live in a shopping center from 2003 to 2007. More

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      John Mulaney Says His New Show Is Netflix’s Mistake

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      The comedian said Netflix “picked up this show by accident. They thought that it was a true-crime documentary because I look like a disappeared boy.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Live From L.A. (Again)Netflix launched its new late-night show, “Everybody’s Live with John Mulaney,” on Wednesday. In his monologue, Mulaney promised 12 episodes of a “jazzlike, unpredictable talk show.”“I’m not gonna lie — we’ve been working on this episode all day. Some crew got here as early as 9 a.m.” — JOHN MULANEY“I can’t do coke or Adderall anymore, so I’m making it your problem. Will this show get my heart rate up to the level where I feel alive? We shall see.” — JOHN MULANEYJohn Mulaney is your problem now. #EverybodysLive pic.twitter.com/xiIT2JYFlu— Netflix (@netflix) March 13, 2025

      The comedian reminded viewers that he’d had an earlier show with a similar concept: a six-episode live series called “Everybody’s in L.A.” that ended last May. While fans enjoyed its unpredictability, the show’s name was a turnoff in Netflix screen tests, he said: “It turns out that people around the country don’t like L.A.”“After the fires, I said, ‘Maybe they like us more now,’ so we tested it again, and it turns out, no. People still didn’t.” — JOHN MULANEY“Netflix actually picked up this show by accident. They thought that it was a true-crime documentary because I look like a disappeared boy.” — JOHN MULANEYMulaney also referred to his much-scrutinized personal life with his wife, the actress Olivia Munn, and their two young children before moving on to the night’s guests.“Yes, I have two children now. One was controversial; one you all seem to be cool with, so thank you so much for that.” — JOHN MULANEYThe Punchiest Punchlines (Bad Education Edition)“Trump just announced he’s firing 50 percent of the Department of Education. Even worse, Trump said, ‘Don’t worry, the other 60 percent will still have jobs.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump, really, he’s Thanos-ed the Department of Education.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The new secretary of education is Linda McMahon, who’s married to Vince McMahon of the W.W.E. Could you imagine getting fired by the wife of the disgraced wrestling meathead? Don’t let the folding chair hit you on the way out.” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Slams Trump’s Skills of Shill for Tesla

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      “But why should he, when he did a big commercial for them today, absolutely free?” Kimmel said after the president brought some of Elon Musk’s cars to the White House.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.No Such Thing as Bad Publicity?Tesla’s stock has been plunging, so much so that Jimmy Kimmel thinks Elon Musk “may have to fire himself.” But Musk got a boost from President Trump, who promised to buy a Tesla and had some brought to the White House on Tuesday.“The guy has spent the entire campaign screaming about how awful electric cars are, is now buying an electric car. Of course, there’s no chance he will actually pay for this electric car. But why should he, when he did a big commercial for them today, absolutely free?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I remember the time he saved Party City by buying a kazoo — it was heroic.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I would imagine they probably don’t even have a place to charge it at the White — maybe he’ll make little Marco run on a hamster wheel.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Watching Donald Trump check out a Tesla — it was like watching a monkey with an iPad.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He had them line up five Teslas on the White House driveway so Trump and Elon could shoot a car commercial on government property.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“He’s finally turned into the used-car salesman we all knew he was all along.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Just the idea that we all now have to dig deep to help the richest man in the world who’s down to his last $324 billion sell cars is preposterous.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Sorry Not Sorry Edition)“There’s a silver lining on the implosion of the world economy — it’s bad for Elon Musk, too.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Right now the economy is so bad, Elon Musk is thinking about laying off Donald Trump.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yesterday alone, Musk lost more than $16 billion. Wow! Wow! To put that in perspective, that’s more than some people make in a year.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Tesla stock has plummeted 50 percent since December, and there’s a good reason for that. It’s a phenomenon economists call ‘Everybody [expletive] hates that guy.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingSting and Shaggy pulled from their most popular lyrics to sing about the economy on Tuesday’s “The Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe “White Lotus” star Parker Posey will chat with Seth Meyers on Wednesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutIn “Long Bright River,” Amanda Seyfried plays a Philadelphia police officer who investigates the murders of vulnerable young women.David Holloway/PeacockAmanda Seyfried played against type with her new role as a Philadelphia beat cop in a new Peacock series, “Long Bright River.” More

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      Late Night Takes Stock of Trump’s Effect on the Markets

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      “In the first Trump term, it took a disease to destroy the economy,” Stephen Colbert said. “This time, he’s the disease.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Stocks Down, Measles Up’Wall Street had its worst day of 2025 on Monday, after President Trump declined to rule out the possibility that his tariffs might lead to a recession.Stephen Colbert said the clocks might have sprung forward on Sunday for daylight saving time, “but today, the stock market fall down go boom.”“The Dow Jones dropped 890 points. Now, I don’t know a lot of financial jargon, but let’s just say your 401 is not ’k,” — STEPHEN COLBERT“In the first Trump term, it took a disease to destroy the economy. This time, he’s the disease.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“During a Fox News interview, President Trump declined to rule out the possibility that his economic policies could cause a recession. Trump was, like, ‘Depends if we use my economic policies from this morning or this afternoon.’” — JIMMY FALLON“It’s not great when the summary of your first two months in office is ‘Stocks down, measles up.’” — JIMMY FALLON“When asked by reporters yesterday aboard Air Force One about the possibility of a recession, President Trump said that his tariffs will make the U.S. ‘so rich, you’re not going to know where to spend all that money’ — unless, you know, you’re feeling like an omelet.” — SETH MEYERS“What do you want us to watch instead? [imitating Trump] ‘Maria, it’s a mistake to watch the stock market when you should be watching ‘Severance.’ What a show; it’s a great show.’” — SETH MEYERS, in response to Trump telling the Fox News host Maria Bartiromo that Americans shouldn’t watch the stock marketThe Punchiest Punchlines (Spring Forward Edition)“Well, guys, yesterday was daylight saving time, and we lost an hour of sleep. Democrats were, like, ‘An hour? We haven’t slept since November.’” — JIMMY FALLON“I tried something a little different this year. I set my clocks ahead four years. It didn’t work.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“We sprung forward. I might have pulled something. But considering the way things are going, I’ve never been more grateful to be one hour closer to the end of whatever this is.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“We go forward, we go backward. It’s like living in a Christopher Nolan movie, and Matt Damon is in those — I want no part of it.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingFormer Gov. Andrew Cuomo of New York was the subject of Saturday’s “Lie-Curious” segment on “Have I Got News For You.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe drag performer Trixie Mattel will appear on “After Midnight.”Also, Check This OutLady Gaga’s “Mayhem” is a bright, shiny and thoroughly sleek pop record.Arturo Holmes/Getty ImagesFor her new album, “Mayhem,” Lady Gaga mines her past for self-mythologizing nostalgia. More

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      All Signs Point to Democrats Being Hopeless, Michael Kosta Says

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      During President Trump’s speech, Democrats held “little paddles as if they were ready to give Mike Johnson a naughty little spanking,” the “Daily Show” host said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Audience ParticipationPresident Trump’s 99-minute address to Congress was still providing fodder for late-night hosts on Wednesday. Michael Kosta was unimpressed with how Democratic lawmakers chose to express their opposition.On “The Daily Show,” Kosta said the speech was “a theatrical production where everybody has a role, and they slip right into it.”“Democrats showed up in full wardrobe, dressed in pink as a symbolic protest against people who wanted them to do something meaningful.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“They came with props, too, holding up little paddles like they were ready to give Mike Johnson a naughty little spanking, huh? Either that or a pickleball match.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Trump was confused by the paddles. He was, like, ‘We’re not auctioning off Greenland until later.” — JIMMY FALLON“What turned out to be an amazing night for America coincided with the worst night for Democrats since Republicans canceled slavery.” — GREG GUTFELD“Luckily, Democrats stood up to him the only way they know how: by writing about it later in their diaries.” — TAYLOR TOMLINSON”I really love that while Trump was saying the wildest [expletive] on earth, Democrats just sat there with their little paddles. Like, you really shouldn’t stand up to fascism the same way that we play ‘Is It Cake?’” — TAYLOR TOMLINSON“It was the longest presidential address in more than 60 years. Why is it that the orchestra can play off an Oscar winner but not the president?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump’s speech went on so long — his speech was 10 minutes longer than ‘The Lion King.’” And had twice as much lyin’ in it. — JIMMY KIMMEL“Stayed up late last night for a live show following Donald Trump’s address to Congress, which set the record for the longest address to a joint session of Congress ever. Felt longer.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I mean, so long you couldn’t bring in DOGE to make any cuts?” — SETH MEYERS“His speech was so long, Adrien Brody played him off.” — SETH MEYERSWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More