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      Seth Meyers Roasts Ron DeSantis for Berating Teens

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      Meyers said Florida’s governor was like “an old man who sees a bunch of innocent teens walking by and screams, ‘Hey, you kids get on my lawn!’”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Front Row SeatFlorida Gov. Ron DeSantis chastised a group of students wearing face masks on Wednesday, saying, “Honestly, it’s not doing anything and we’ve got to stop with this Covid theater.”“How much of a [expletive] do you have to be to yell at a bunch of high school students who are just trying to be safe?” Seth Meyers said. “They’re actually doing the right thing and you’re scolding them for it you’re like an old man who sees a bunch of innocent teens walking by and screams, ‘Hey, you kids get on my lawn!’”“Also, what the hell is Covid theater? Those plays where all the actors have to stand six feet apart? [imitating theatergoer] ‘I just saw the Covid theater production of “Les Mis” — the stage was the size of a football field!’” — SETH MEYERS“Although for people who moved from New York to Florida during the pandemic, that’s the only theater they have left.” — SETH MEYERS“Students like, ‘Somehow you make our principal seem chill.’” — JIMMY FALLON“When the parents asked how their day was, they’re like, ‘I got bullied — by the governor?’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Putin’s Punishment Edition)“Ikea has announced it will temporarily pause manufacturing and retail operations in Russia and Belarus due to the invasion of Ukraine, while Ikea in Ukraine is opening their doors to Russian soldiers and hoping they can’t find their way out.” — SETH MEYERS“Ikea said they’ll do whatever it can to throw a useless tiny wrench into Russia’s economy.” — JIMMY FALLON“This will go into effect as soon as they can find that little Allen wrench to take the stores apart.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“They’re saying that the shutdown of Ikea could dramatically affect Russia’s supply of flardfulls, dagstorps and gronkulas.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And it’s not just business distancing themselves: I read that the International Cat Federation has banned Russian cats from all competition. I’m just going to go ahead and say that’s the biggest news that’s ever come out of the International Cat Federation. Meanwhile, the silence from the International Dog Federation is deafening.” — JIMMY FALLON“I’d be worried about pissing off the cat people. You think Putin is scary? Imagine Carole Baskin!” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Daily Show” correspondent Desi Lydic dug into the “hist-HER-y” of bras on Thursday’s show.Also, Check This OutKia LaBeija’s 2015 work “Eleven” features the artist in her prom dress at her doctor’s office. Kia LaBeija and FotografiskaThe photographer and performer Kia LaBeija, who was born H.I.V. positive in 1990, documents her life in an autobiographical show at Fotografiska New York. More

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      Late Night Recaps Biden’s Annual ‘Status Update’

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      Trevor Noah joked Biden’s speech was “like a birthday card from a 4-year-old: A lot of words didn’t make sense, but you got what it was trying to say.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.America Has Updated Its StatusLate night hosts recapped President Biden’s State of the Union address on Wednesday night, which Trevor Noah called “the one night a year where the president gives the country a status update about how things are going.”“Let’s talk about the State of the Union address, the one night a year Joe Biden stays up past 6 p.m.” — TREVOR NOAH“Biden spoke for 62 minutes. Well, actually he spoke for 10 with 52 minutes of clapping.” — JIMMY FALLON“More than 33 million Americans watched Grampotus speak for more than an hour. He announced he will release 60 million barrels of oil from our national reserve, which is good news for Ted Cruz’s hair.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Last night, President Biden gave the shortest State of the Union address since 2016, clocking in at one hour and two minutes. The shortest — I like this trend. I like it. Let’s get it down — let’s get it down to one TikTok, just save us all a bunch of time.” — JAMES CORDEN“You know, at times this speech was like a birthday card from a 4-year-old: A lot of words didn’t make sense, but you got what it was trying to say.” — TREVOR NOAH“But aside from policing and Covid and Ukraine, Biden also brought up a lot of policies last night that he wanted Congress to pass this year, like letting Medicare negotiate the price of drugs and doubling clean energy production and raising taxes on corporations, and strengthening voting rights — which are all great ideas that I can’t wait for him to bring up again at next year’s State of the Union. Because, I mean, if we’re honest, none of that [expletive] is going to pass through this Congress.” — TREVOR NOAH“According to a new poll, 71 percent of Americans who watched President Biden’s State of the Union address had a positive reaction to the speech. But let’s be honest: Everyone who would have had a negative reaction was watching ‘Yellowstone.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Him Who? Edition)“I’m sorry: ‘God protect our troops — Go get him.’ Get who? Go get God?” — TREVOR NOAH, on Joe Biden’s yelling “Go get him!” at the end of his State of the Union speech“Right after, Putin called Trump and was like, [imitating Putin] ‘Is he talking about me?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Go get him who? Does Biden just randomly shout, ‘Go get him’ sometimes? I mean, it would explain why his dog kept attacking people.” — TREVOR NOAH“Who are we supposed to go get? Putin? Pokemon?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Mike Pence was watching from home and was like, ‘Not again. What did I do this time?’” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth Watching“Tonight Show” guest Zoë Kravitz took Jimmy Fallon in a game of “Can You Feel It?” where they guess objects they can’t see by touch alone.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightSerena Williams will sit down with Trevor Noah for the first time on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This Out“The Dropout” tracks the rise and fall of Elizabeth Holmes and the start-up Theranos. From left: Elizabeth Meriwether, the creator; Amanda Seyfried, the star; and Rebecca Jarvis, the journalist whose podcast inspired the series.Jingyu Lin for The New York TimesThe women behind “The Dropout” seek to humanize Elizabeth Holmes in their new Hulu series about the disgraced tech entrepreneur. More

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      Stephen Colbert Grades Biden’s First State of the Union Address

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      “Many lawmakers wore the colors of the Ukrainian flag, blue and yellow,” Colbert said. “It’s a show of solidarity not seen since the last ‘Minions’ movie.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Not So Civil UnionStephen Colbert went live on Tuesday night after President Biden’s first State of the Union address.“And let me tell you, it was a roller-coaster ride of rip roaring reasonableness,” Colbert said of Biden’s speech.”A roller coaster ride of rip roaring reasonableness.”- @StephenAtHome on President Biden’s #StateOfTheUnion speech. #LateShowLIVE pic.twitter.com/axxKy2F1xq— The Late Show (@colbertlateshow) March 2, 2022
      “Keep in mind, a week ago, this was going to be a totally different speech. But when Ukraine was invaded, the world changed. Because right now, there is a dictator who thinks he can violently conquer a sovereign democracy, but Joe Biden beat him in the last election.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Many lawmakers wore the colors of the Ukrainian flag, blue and yellow. It’s a show of solidarity not seen since the last ‘Minions’ movie.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Not everyone was focused on the speech. Kevin McCarthy was there but busy looking at his phone. To be fair, today’s Wordle was pretty tricky.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Of course the minority leader in the House not paying attention looked disrespectful. But keep in mind, he might’ve been on Amazon shopping for a spine.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Four Horsemen Edition)“It was a tough speech. Biden said that even though the country is divided right now — right now, we all need to come together and agree that the ‘Sex and the City’ reboot wasn’t anywhere near what we hoped it would be.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yep, it was historic — 400 representatives, 100 senators and Size 96 font on the teleprompter.” — JIMMY FALLON“But the State of our Union is as strong as Kim and Kanye right now.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s right, Biden was at the podium with Kamala Harris and Nancy Pelosi right behind him. Fox News was like, ‘Throw in Hillary and you’ve got all Four Horsemen.’” — JIMMY FALLON“During his speech, Biden introduced his new unity agenda. Unity agenda, yeah. And you can tell it worked because every single Republican ignored him.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Late Night” writers Amber Ruffin and Jenny Hagel struggled to get through their song praising the Supreme Court hopeful Ketanji Brown Jackson.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightZoë Kravitz will talk about playing Catwoman (Selina Kyle) in the new “Batman” film on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutIn her new memoir, Amy Bloom writes about helping her husband to end his life after a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. More

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      Trevor Noah Reviews Putin’s Attempt at a Soviet Reunion

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      If bringing back the Soviet Union is Putin’s goal, the “Daily Show” host joked, long lines are a good start.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Like Old TimesTrevor Noah was off the air last week, so he dedicated Monday’s “Daily Show” to the current situation in Ukraine, referring to it as “the largest European conflict since World War II — or when Harry and Meghan left the royals.”“Because it’s always been Putin’s wet dream to reunite the Soviet Union, you know? Sort of the same way Disney wants to tie all of its franchises together. Yeah, now Mickey is fighting Thanos? That’s weird, but profitable.” — TREVOR NOAH“Well, damn, Putin’s goal was to bring back the glory days of the Soviet Union. People waiting hours in long lines is definitely a start.” — TREVOR NOAH“They’re cutting off banking, they’re arming their enemies, and on top of that, airlines are stopping flights to and from Russia, which in my opinion might be one of the worst things. Because I mean the best part about going to Russia is that you can fly out of Russia. Now they don’t even have that.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yes, the threat of nuclear annihilation may have increased; yes, we may be on the brink of World War III; and, yes, Europe is once again at the mercy of one power-hungry dictator, but on the bright side, when was the last time you thought about Covid, huh?” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Taking Sides Edition)“Even famously neutral Switzerland is taking action against Russia. Switzerland, the people who never take a side, are taking a side on this.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Switzerland has a knife out for Russia, and since it’s a Swiss knife, it comes with little scissors, a toothpick and a corkscrew.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The Swiss don’t get involved in war. They don’t get involved in alliances. My dad didn’t get involved in my life. I would ask him to hug me, and he’d tell me that his official policy was to stay neutral.” — TREVOR NOAH, whose father is Swiss-German“The Swiss president said, ‘Russia’s attack cannot be accepted regarding international law, this cannot be accepted politically, and this cannot be accepted morally.’ And these are the people who gave Hitler a safe deposit box, so.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This is Switzerland, who may I remind you didn’t take a side when it came to Hitler, but they looked at Russia and said, ‘OK, you’ve gone too far.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This is like the Dalai Lama grabbin’ a buck knife and an AK and screaming, ‘Kill ’em all! Let the Buddha sort ’em out.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Imagine being sanctioned by a country that has been neutral for hundreds of years. It would be like Tom Hanks telling a child to go [expletive] himself.” — JAMES CORDEN“They have frozen Russian assets and closed Swiss airspace, which is helpful. And now not only is Putin in hot water, he’s in hot chocolate too.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“So to recap, Russia has now lost the Taliban and the Swiss. The most and least violent people in the world are united against Russia right now.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Saturday Night Live” star Kate McKinnon faced off against Jimmy Fallon in a word game called “Hey Robot.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightSandra Oh will talk about the end of “Killing Eve” on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutHarvey Fierstein writes about his life and career in his new memoir, “I Was Better Last Night.” More

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      Trevor Noah: Russia Loves Playing Chess

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      Noah said Russia has been preparing to play chess while Americans “love dumb games now,” poking fun at a preference for Wordle.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.What’s ‘Checkmate’ in Russian?Russia continued to threaten to invade Ukraine on Thursday despite claims that its forces would be pulling back from the border.“I’m not going to lie, guys: It wouldn’t be a surprise if Russia was being sneaky,” Trevor Noah said. “I mean, this is the same country that hides dolls inside bigger dolls. Do you know how sick you have to be to do that?”“But America is certain — they’re certain — that Russia is still planning to invade. In fact, today the U.S. Secretary of State even said what Russia might do to justify an invasion is launch fake or even real chemical weapons at themselves and then blame it on Ukraine. Yeah, yeah, first of all, uh, spoilers, hello!” — TREVOR NOAH“Secondly, can you imagine that, staging a chemical attack on yourself to justify your invasion? That’s pretty messed up, especially for the Russian soldiers who have to carry out the mission: [imitating Russian soldier] ‘So we launch this on ourselves but this is fake, yes?’ [imitating another Russian soldier] ‘Yeah, we will find out when bomb explodes. Mystery, excitement.’” — TREVOR NOAH“And you know, people, as erratic as the Russians’ actions might seem, you understand what they’re doing right now, right? They’re playing chess. This is literally what chess is all about: [imitating chess player] ‘Oh, I’m moving forward. I’m moving backwards. I’m attacking. No, I’m not. The horse is going this way, then it turns.’ This is what Russia is doing — and the Russians love playing chess. They’ve been designed for this moment. Meanwhile, the rest of us, we don’t play chess anymore. We love dumb games now. We’re like, ‘Uh, I need a five-letter word that ends in d-e. Plate? No.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Pillow Drop Edition)“Lindell has a plan to support the Canadian truckers, and you’ll never guess what it is — send them a bunch of MyPillows.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, on MyPillow C.E.O. Mike Lindell“Lindell loaded up a truck with 10,000 pillows — almost as many as on the bed in your great-aunt’s guest room.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Who would’ve ever guessed his voter fraud crusade would wind up being the second-craziest thing he’s done?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Mike told The Daily Beast his backup plan was to fly a helicopter over the border and drop the pillows from the sky. Then he claimed he was trolling the reporter. But at this point, how would we have any way of knowing when you’re joking or not?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“OK, so the Canadian border guards are stopping him from driving into the country, so he’s playing it safe by using a helicopter to violate their airspace. Good thing he’s got those 10,000 pillows — they can cushion the fall when the Canadian air force shoots his [expletive] down.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And another question, why are you sending pillows to Canada? They have pillows. I think that’s where Canadian geese come from, Canada.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingJordan Klepper went straight to the source and talked with Canadian truckers protesting the Covid-19 vaccine mandate on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutAdam Makké as Noah and Sharon D. Clarke as Caroline in the recent Broadway revival of “Caroline, or Change.”Sara Krulwich/The New York TimesJason Zinoman investigates the long, rich Jewish tradition of grappling with antisemitism by laughing at it. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Critiques Donald's Trump's Financial Claims

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      “Only Donald Trump would defend himself against charges that he overvalued his assets by re-overvaluing his assets,” Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Poor ResponseDonald Trump responded on Tuesday to being dropped by his longtime accounting firm Mazars USA with a four-page statement, writing, among other things, that the Trump brand is worth more than he previously claimed.On Wednesday, Jimmy Kimmel joked that Trump’s response is the longest thing he’s written “since he threatened to sue Gritty for stealing his look.”“Trump wrote at length: ‘We have a great company with fantastic assets that are unique, extremely valuable and, in many cases, far more valuable than what was listed in our financial statements.’ Only Donald Trump would defend himself against charges that he overvalued his assets by re-overvaluing his assets.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He also lashed out at the New York attorney general and D.A., who happen to be Black. He wrote, ‘After five years of constant bombardment, this political and racist attack must stop.’ Now that’s a good one: rich white guy claiming racism. You almost have to hand it to him. That’s like — that’s like Hawaii claiming tourism. That’s ridiculous.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Holy Moly Edition)“Since we were young, many of us have been taught the same story, right? Be good, pray every day and you’ll get into heaven. What your grandmother probably didn’t mention is that a paperwork issue could send you to hell.” — TREVOR NOAH“Here’s what happened: For two decades, Father Andres Arango performed the sacrament with the words, ‘We baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.’ However, the Vatican instructs priests to say ‘I baptize.’ Why can’t it be ‘we’? If anyone would understand, it’s God — he’s three persons in one god. I’m sure he gets it mixed up all the time.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“[imitating God] Hello, hi, hi. Could I get a reservation for three? No, it’s just me.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Wait, wait, I’m sorry, what? All the baptisms are invalid because of one — no, one word? This is like the worst thing a Catholic priest has ever done.” — TREVOR NOAH“Saying the wrong word during a baptism seems like a fun goof-them-up, but according to the local diocese, if you get the words wrong, ‘the baptism is deemed invalid, and if an individual was improperly baptized and later received other sacraments, they may need to repeat some or all of those sacraments.’ That’s right, you’re going to have to redo first communion, so squeeze that fat [expletive] back into that tiny suit, get back up there and stay in the suit, because you’re getting remarried.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Church leaders investigated and found that Father Arango had incorrectly performed thousands of baptisms over more than 20 years. Of course, this was just a priest at a baptism. It could be worse — it could have been a rabbi at a bris.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Like, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to hear that the Catholic Church cares about people’s pronouns, but this seems like a minor mistake to me.” — TREVOR NOAH“You know, like I would understand if the priest accidentally cleansed their souls in White Claw, that I would get. But this doesn’t seem like a huge deal.” — TREVOR NOAH“And what’s going to happen to all the people who weren’t actually baptized — what happens to them now, huh? Are they going to go to hell for someone else’s mistake? That’s so unfair. Everyone else who gets to go to hell goes there because they got to have some fun first, you know?” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingDaniel Craig talked with Stephen Colbert about providing 2,022 New York students with free tickets to see him in “Macbeth” on Broadway.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe “Zola” director Janicza Bravo will appear on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutMelanie Metz for The New York TimesTwenty-five largely unseen works said to be by Jean-Michel Basquiat are on display in Orlando, Fla., but some question their authenticity. More

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      Late Night Dunks on Trump for Getting Dumped During Tax Season

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      “It’s like getting divorced on Christmas Eve,” Jimmy Kimmel joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘H&R Cellblock’Last week, Donald Trump’s longtime accounting firm Mazars USA cut ties with the former president and his family, saying financial statements they prepared for him from 2011 to 2020 should “no longer be relied upon.”“In other words, ‘We are not going to prison with you, Mr. Trump,’” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Tuesday night.“So, for those nine years, no one should trust any of his financial statements, or any of his statements.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Good for them, standing up and doing the right thing 10 years too late.” — JAMES CORDEN“The New York attorney general and Manhattan district attorney have been trying to determine whether the insurers, lenders and others Trump dealt with were misled about the strength of his finances. Let me save you guys some trouble: They were.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“If there’s any karma in this world, they dropped him for a younger, hotter client.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“What new information could have come to light right now? Were they like ‘Wait a minute — Trump organization? As in Donald — does that have something to do with Donald Trump?’” — JAMES CORDEN“Now he’s going to need someone else to do his taxes. I suggest H&R Cellblock.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I tell you, there’s nothing more depressing than getting dumped by your accountant during tax season. It’s like getting divorced on Christmas Eve.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I like the idea of Donald Trump angrily now setting up a TurboTax account to get his taxes done.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“A lot of people believe this could be it for Donald Trump — this could be the one. I don’t know. How many ‘the ones’ have we had now. We’ve had like 400 or something?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Kamila Valieva Edition)“I also know that nobody believes her excuse, right? That she accidentally took her grandfather’s heart medication, but I do. I believe her, because I know what it was like growing up me and my family — we always had a big bowl of loose pills all mixed together. It’s an easy mistake to make.” — TREVOR NOAH, on the Russian Olympic skater Kamila Valieva testing positive for a banned substance called trimetazidine“She tested positive for three substances that can be used to treat heart problems. Imagine how devastating that must be: You train your whole life to be in the Olympics, follow all the rules, put in all the hours, eat the right things. Last minute, you accidentally take your grandfather’s heart medicine.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“No one is focusing on the fact that her grandpa took her medication, now he’s dominating bingo at the old folks home.” — TREVOR NOAH“But again, I’m not saying Russia did it on purpose; I’m not saying that. I’m just saying don’t be shocked when later this week they use 15-year-olds to invade Ukraine.” — TREVOR NOAH“Her lawyer said maybe her grandfather drank something from a glass, saliva got in and this glass was somehow later used by the athlete. Ah, the old ‘must be from Grandpa’s saliva’ defense, huh?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“We’ve all shared a big, wet cup of water with Granddad, haven’t we?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I think the real question is, how much of your grandfather’s saliva are you coming in contact with and why?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And why does this keep happening to Russia? These poor people. Will you leave them alone?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I can’t believe they caught someone cheating and they’re still letting her compete while they investigate more. Like guys, it almost feels like the investigation is not about whether she cheated or not, it’s almost like the real investigation here is ‘OK, let’s see what the drugs can do — let it rip! Come on, let’s just see. We want to know, right? Everybody wants to know.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingRoy Wood Jr. dived into the history of Black athletes at the Winter Olympics on his “Daily Show” segment “CP Time.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightRebecca Hall, the director of “Passing,” will appear on Wednesday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutAudra McDonald, Denée Benton and John Douglas Thompson in “The Gilded Age.”Alison Rosa/HBOHBO’s “The Gilded Age” seeks to depict an elite class of 19th-century Black New Yorkers with historical accuracy. More

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      Stephen Colbert Sets the Mood for Valentine’s Day With His Viewers

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      “Hey, don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here doing my thang — a long monologue,” Colbert joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Bringing Sexy BackLate night celebrated Valentine’s Day by pointing to a new study reporting that Americans are having less sex than ever.Stephen Colbert said that his viewers were surely having a great holiday, joking, “It’s almost midnight and you’re doing the sexiest thing there is: You’re watching TV.”“I hope you’re having a sensual Valentine’s Day, which, if you’re watching this, you’re probably not.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“So, how’s it going out there? Looks like you’re having a great night. Just know I’m rooting for both of you — wait a second, all three of you.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Hey, don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here doing my thang — a long monologue. And maybe later, if we’re lucky, some Toyota commercials. And I’ve got 400 people in this room with me who just like to watch.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And I’m happy to help, because America could use a little help in the seduction department right now. Because according to new research, Americans are at a 30-year low for sex. And again, no judgment: Whatever doesn’t float your boat. I’m not going to kink-shame the jigsaw puzzle/Breathe Right Strip/lights out by 9 p.m. lifestyle.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The study says there are a number of possible reasons for it, including fewer people getting married, an aging population. But let’s be honest: We all know what the real reason is — unlimited porn. The same reason people at the Olive Garden are eating more breadsticks — it’s unlimited.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I think it’s weird having Valentine’s the day after the Super Bowl. I was out past midnight last night flipping SUVs and setting mattresses on fire, now I’m supposed to be romantic? I don’t know, I’m all charged up!” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (The Day After Edition)“Yesterday, as I hope you know, was Super Bowl Sunday, also known as — a.k.a. ‘Cryptocurrency Awareness Day.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s all crypto now. Even the halftime show, bloods versus the cryptos.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It was crypto and Peacock all day long. There were more ads for Peacock than there are living peacocks on the planet earth.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Dr. Dre, 50 Cent, Eminem, Kendrick Lamar, Anderson .Paak, and — it was supposed to be Mary J. Blige, but Snoop Dogg smoked all the j’s, so it was just Mary Blige.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But it really was quite a game. The big hits, the long draws, and that was just Snoop right before the halftime show.” — JAMES CORDEN“This is a headline in The New York Post today: ‘Snoop Dogg smokes weed right before star-studded Super Bowl halftime show.’ Yeah, no kidding. He smokes weed right before everything.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“For Snoop, that’s a performance-enhancing drug.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Two legends of hardcore gangsta rap, or as the kids today call them: Martha Stewart’s friend and the headphones guy.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, on Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre“I was so excited and nervous my palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy. There was vomit on my sweater already, mom’s spaghetti.” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingTrevor Noah dedicated Monday night’s “The Daily Show” to a conversation with musician India.Arie about Joe Rogan, unconscious racism and why she took her music off Spotify.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightJohn Oliver will sit down with Stephen Colbert on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutIvan Reitman in 2011. Matt Sayles/Associated PressFilmmaker Ivan Reitman, best known for “Ghostbusters,” “National Lampoon’s Animal House,” and “Stripes,” died on Saturday. More