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      Stephen Colbert Finds Donald Trump ‘Past His Expiration Date’

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      Michael Cohen’s testimony gave the host plenty of fodder, especially when he described Donald Trump speculating about going back “on the market.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Only One Way to Get Paid’Donald Trump’s former lawyer and fixer, Michael Cohen, took the stand on Monday in the former president’s hush money trial.“Now, you never want to be the middleman between your boss and a porn star,” Colbert said of Cohen. “Sure, it sounds titillating when they ask, but eventually it’s just a tangle of limbs, and you’re just kind of watching.”“Michael Cohen testified today that former President Trump once said that he wouldn’t be single for very long if former first lady Melania Trump were to leave him. So, yeah, he wrote his own vows.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, Michael Cohen testified today that Trump once asked him how long he’d be single if Melania were to leave him and said, ‘How long do you think I’d be on the market for? Not long.’ On the market? You’re a 78-year-old psychopath with massive debt. That’s not a market, that’s a lost-and-found bin.” — SETH MEYERS“Coincidentally, ‘not long’ is how Stormy described it.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But it’s true — he would be off the market soon. I mean, he is clearly past his expiration date.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“During his testimony today, Cohen also said that he was never paid for early legal work he did for Trump. Of course not! He doesn’t pay his lawyers, he doesn’t pay his contractors. There’s really only one way to get paid by Donald Trump, and it is not worth it.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Hannibal Lecter Edition)“At this rally, Trump talked about the ‘Silence of the Lambs’ character Hannibal Lecter and said he was a ‘wonderful man.’ First of all, Hannibal Lecter isn’t real. He’s a character played by Anthony Hopkins, a wonderful man who is real. Second, the character Hannibal is not a wonderful man, he’s a cannibal who murdered a bunch of people. And third, please tell me this is not your VP announcement.” — SETH MEYERS“What is going on? I’m no political expert, but maybe don’t keep saying, ‘the late, great Hannibal Lecter.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Oh, I love ‘Silence of the Lamb.’ It’s one of my favorite movies right up there with ‘Star War,’ “Dance with Wolf’ and ‘Jaw.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“‘Late great’? In none of the stories does Hannibal Lecter die, and Sir Anthony Hopkins is very much still alive. Does Trump just think a character dies when he turns off the T.V.?” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingSnoop Dogg and Jimmy Fallon wore matching American tracksuits on Monday to celebrate the upcoming Paris Olympics.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe “All Fours” author Miranda July will appear on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutIn “Appropriate,” Sarah Paulson aims to present “a fully realized person up there that you can have some connectivity to.”Matthew Leifheit for The New York TimesThe actress Sarah Paulson received a Tony Award nomination for her return to Broadway in “Appropriate.” More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Recaps Stormy Daniels’s Testimony in Court

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      “Team Trump spent much of the day trying to paint Daniels as a sleazy, money-grubbing liar, which, if that is true, you can see why they hit it off,” Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Quite a dayOn Thursday, former President Donald Trump’s defense attorneys concluded their cross-examination of Stormy Daniels.“And I’ll tell you, it was quite a day to be a stenographer. These are actual phrases that were used in court today: ‘Human toilet,’ ‘Orange turd’ and ‘Make America horny again.’ And print those out and hang them on the Smithsonian wall.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Team Trump spent much of the day trying to paint Daniels as a sleazy, money-grubbing liar, which, if that is true, you can see why they hit it off.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“During her cross-examination today, one of Trump’s lawyers asked Stormy Daniels, ‘You made all this up, right?’ A strategy that immediately backfired when Trump yelled, ‘No, she didn’t! We had sex!’” — SETH MEYERS“Today, former President Trump’s attorneys finished their cross-examination of Stormy Daniels, and they accused her of lying and hawking merchandise for personal gain. Trump was like, ‘This also feels like a shot at me, too.’” — JIMMY FALLON“[imitating Trump] And for more on why it’s so wrong to be a sleazy money-grubbing merch seller, please buy my God Bless America Donald Trump Bible.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Heated and Intense Edition)“Today’s cross-examination was described as ‘heated’ and ‘intense,’ which coincidentally are the only two settings on Trump’s tanning bed.” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump was like, ‘If you think that’s bad, you should see the texts I’m getting from Melania.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Former President Trump appeared to briefly fall asleep in court again this morning during adult film star Stormy Daniels’s testimony. Because in real life, you can’t fast-forward the scenes where the actors are talking.” — SETH MEYERS“But this was not her first rodeo, and they would have known that if they would have seen her movie, ‘My Third Rodeo.’ Very good. It’s part of a series.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJohn Della Volpe, the polling director at the Harvard Institute of Politics, sat down with Jon Stewart to discuss his new book “Fight: How Gen Z is Channeling Their Fear and Passion to Save America” on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutCass Elliot performing on her television special “Don’t Call Me Mama Anymore” in September 1973. After she went solo, she found it hard to shake her nickname.CBS Photo Archive, via Getty ImagesFor 50 years, singer Cass Elliott’s talent has been overshadowed by a hurtful rumor about her death. More

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      Late Night Reacts to the Worm in R.F.K. Jr.’s Brain

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      “This explains everything, and nothing,” Stephen Colbert said about the presidential hopeful’s newly reported parasite.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Food for ThoughtThe presidential hopeful Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said during a 2012 deposition that doctors told him a parasite had eaten part of his brain.“This explains everything, and nothing,” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday.“I just want to say to any R.F.K. Jr. fans who might be watching, do not despair. Just because he has sworn in a deposition that he has parasitic brain damage doesn’t mean he’s going to drop out, because Bobby Kennedy Jr. does not know the meaning of the word ‘quit’ — ’cause that information was in the part of the brain that the worm ate.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“His family’s like, ‘It is true, but it still doesn’t explain why he’s like that.’” — JIMMY FALLON“And this is strange: Instead of using dewormer, he injected himself with a Covid vaccine.” — JIMMY FALLON“Apparently, the worm was giving him all his ideas, like in ‘Ratatouille.’” — JIMMY FALLON“I don’t know what’s worse — that R.F.K. Jr. had a worm that was eating his brain or that his brain is so poisoned that it killed the worm.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Cause of death: starvation.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“For a guy who seems to believe doctors are con artists trying to scam you into getting a vaccine, he sure did get to one fast when a worm started eating his brain.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The inside of his head is basically the movie ‘Dune,’ but you should definitely vote for him.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The New York Times today published a report on independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s health issues, including a dead worm in his brain. Or as that’s known in Libertarian circles, a running mate.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Kristi Noem’s Press Tour Edition)“Former President Trump said that South Dakota governor Kristi Noem has had a ‘rough couple of days.’ Said Noem, ‘Who said ‘ruff’?” — SETH MEYERS“Yeah, she needs more bad press like she needs a hole in her dog.” — SETH MEYERSWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Wants the Dirty Details From Stormy Daniels

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      The host disagreed with a judge who said Daniels could skip some of the specifics of her encounter with Donald Trump. “Some of us are trying to host a show here, OK?”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.A Stormy Day in CourtStormy Daniels took the stand to testify in former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial on Tuesday. Jimmy Kimmel called it “a very Stormy day for everyone’s favorite former president.”“The prosecution today called their star witness — their porn star witness.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Stormy Daniels took the stand this morning and, for Donald, I can only imagine, the nervous farting was off the charts.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Even the judge was pumped. He was like, ‘Please welcome to the stand, Stormy Daniels!’” — JIMMY FALLON“The judge said Stormy could testify about her sexual relationship with Trump, but also said, ‘We don’t need to know the details.’ And see, now that’s where I have to object. Yes, we do need to know the details. Some of us are trying to host a show here, OK?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Ahead of Stormy Daniels’s testimony today in former President Trump’s criminal hush-money trial, one of the prosecutors told Judge Juan Merchan that Daniels will not describe Trump’s genitalia because it would violate the gag order.” — SETH MEYERS“She said they had sex in the missionary position, and that Trump told her she reminded him of his daughter. Feels like we should lock him up just for that, right?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“During former President Trump’s criminal hush-money trial, adult film star Stormy Daniels testified that she and Trump had sex ‘in missionary position.’ ‘Don’t even think about it!’ shouted Judge Merchan to the sketch artist.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Honeybunch Edition)“Adult film star Stormy Daniels testified today in former President Trump’s criminal hush-money trial. So Trump technically slept with her again.” — SETH MEYERS, referring to reports of Trump falling asleep during the trial“During former President Trump’s criminal hush-money trial, adult film star Stormy Daniels testified that she spanked Trump with a rolled-up magazine that had his face on the cover. And I think it’s weird that the hotel even had a copy of ‘Bankruptcy Aficionado.’” — SETH MEYERSWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Cracks on Trump Being Held in Contempt of Court (Again)

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      Jimmy Kimmel joked that Donald Trump will likely end up in jail “because he can’t stop talking about the case. It’s like trying to get a dog to stop licking itself.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.11th Time’s the Charm?On Monday, the judge in Donald Trump’s criminal trial held him in contempt for the 10th time, threatening jail time if the former president continues to violate a gag order.Jimmy Kimmel said that he thinks Trump will end up in jail “because he can’t stop talking about the case. It’s like trying to get a dog to stop licking itself.”“This is Trump’s 10th violation, and we’re only on Day 12 of the trial. He’s already paid $9,000 in fines for the first nine, which doesn’t sound like a lot, but it is a lot for Eric, who now won’t be getting his allowance this week.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Again? I’ve got deja woo hoo!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Please, you think Trump is scared of jail? That place is full of mobsters and white supremacists. He’ll walk into jail the way Norm walks into Cheers.” — SETH MEYERS“You’ve done it now, Donald. If you violate that gag order for the 11th time, the judge is going to really consider jail time. I mean, he’s strongly contemplating the possibility of consequences for your actions. Just one more chance!” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Sending the former president on a trip to Bar-A-Lago, according to Judge Merchan, is ‘the last thing I want to do,’ which is funny because it’s the first thing I would want to do. It’s like No. 1 on my list.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And how would that even work? I mean, would they give him a cavity search? God help whoever gets that gig. They might find Vivek Ramaswamy living up there like a Keister elf.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I’m going to go out on a limb here and say based on how much he’s complaining about conditions in the courtroom, he would hate jail.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (All Dogs Go to Heaven Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Dunks on Trump’s Billion-Dollar Stock Bonus

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      “Donald Trump somehow made a lot of money from a company that makes none,” Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Taking StockFormer President Donald Trump is set to receive an additional stake in his social media company after Truth Social’s stock price stayed high and hit certain benchmarks. The additional shares were valued at about $1.3 billion.“It’s nice when good things happen to good people, isn’t it?” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Wednesday.“Donald Trump somehow made a lot of money from a company that makes none.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Honestly, how can this farting dementia patient be making a billion dollars on a company that has $4 million total in revenue? What kind of con artist Wall Street wizardry is this?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (World Peace Edition)“Yes, Taiwan. Now, they’re not at war yet, but you’ve got to make a reservation in advance just to save your spot.” — JORDAN KLEPPER, referring to President Joe Biden signing an aid package for Ukraine, Israel and Taiwan, calling it “a good day for world peace”“A good day for world peace? I’ve wanted one of those!” — JORDAN KLEPPER“I wonder what happened — did the nations of the world finally band together to outlaw war? Did they finally buy everyone a Coke? Is there finally peace between Kendrick and Drake? ” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Oh, ‘world peace.’ OK, is peace the one with the tanks?” — JORDAN KLEPPERThe Bits Worth WatchingThe Mexican singer-songwriter Christian Nodal performed “La Mitad” on Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightKyle Chayka, a writer for The New Yorker, will discuss his book “Filterworld: How Algorithms Flattened Culture” on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutNicole Kidman in “The Hours.” “She is fearless in the characters that she plays,” said the movie’s director, Stephen Daldry.Paramount PicturesThe filmmakers Baz Luhrmann, Stephen Daldry, Gus Van Sant, Jane Campion and Karyn Kusama discuss what makes Nicole Kidman a dream actor for any director ahead of her life achievement award from the American Film Institute. More

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      Late Night Tackles Trump’s Gag Order Hearing

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      “Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money?” Jordan Klepper asked on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Can’t Stop, Won’t StopAttorneys representing former President Donald Trump argued that he did not violate his gag order during Tuesday’s hearing in his criminal trial.“This guy is incapable of keeping his mouth shut for two minutes,” Jordan Klepper said on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.” “Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money?”“He violated the gag order during a hearing about whether he violated the gag order!” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Judge Merchan told Trump’s lead attorney — a guy named Todd Blanche — that his arguments didn’t make sense, that he ‘presented nothing’ and that he was losing ‘all credibility with the court.’ To his credit, Blanche fired back. He said, ‘Your honor, I lost all credibility when I agreed to represent Donald Trump! That is not an issue.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Fortunately, Trump didn’t hear any of it. He was sound asleep. Let One Rip Van Winkle is dozing off so often, they’re going to need one of those N.B.A. sweat-wiper kids to mop the drool puddles off his desk.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“On his way out of the courthouse, Groper Cleveland stopped to tell reporters how uncomfortably cold it is in the room and how very unhappy he is to be there.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Eight hours a day, four days a week — it’s literally torture. Or, as the rest of the world calls it, a job.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“I love hearing him complain about how cold it is. Someone should knit him a little pair of mittens to wear into court.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (National Enquirer Edition)“The one and only witness today was Trump’s old pal and former publisher of the National Enquirer, a guy named David Pecker, who looks like if the man on the Pringles can was now dating your mom.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Pecker described what he called a ‘mutually beneficial relationship’ with Trump. It’s weird, the only faithful relationship Trump’s ever been in is with the National Enquirer.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He testified that to help Trump win the 2016 election, he would buy scandalous stories about Trump and then bury them. And what a good job he did — I can’t think of a single Trump scandal.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“But think about how insane it is that our president had a ‘mutually beneficial relationship’ with The National Enquirer. There are only two people on the planet who can say that: Donald Trump and Bigfoot.” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jon Stewart Slams the Media for Coverage of Trump Trial

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      “Are you trying to make this O.J.? It’s not a chase — he’s commuting,” Stewart said on Monday’s “Daily Show.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Media CircusOpening arguments began in former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial on Monday, with much of the news media coverage homing in on as many details as possible about the proceedings.Jon Stewart called the trial a “test of the fairness of the American legal system, but it’s also a test of the media’s ability to cover Donald Trump in a responsible way.”“Perhaps if we limit the coverage to the issues at hand and try not to create an all-encompassing spectacle of the most banal of details, perhaps that would help.” — JON STEWART“He arrived at the intersection of American history, where he put a quarter in the parking meter of destiny, leaving the car, looking to avoid stepping in the urine puddle of jurisprudence.” — JON STEWART, mocking the media’s coverage of Trump’s arrival in court“Seriously, are we going to follow this guy to court every [expletive] day? Are you trying to make this O.J.? It’s not a chase — he’s commuting.” — JON STEWART“At this point, you’re probably saying to yourself, ‘How many television hours have they devoted to what Donald Trump, a man who has not been off any of our screens for more than 30 seconds in the last eight years, looks like?’ The answer is not nearly as many hours as describing his every movement.” — JON STEWART“Look, at some point in this trial, something important and revelatory is going to happen, but none of us are going to notice because of the hours spent on his speculative facial tics. If the media tries to make us feel like the most mundane [expletive] is earth-shattering, we won’t believe you when it’s really interesting. It’s your classic ‘Boy Who Cried Wolf Blitzer.’” — JON STEWART“Look, we’ve got a long ways to go here. It’s the first day of the first of his 438 trials to come. Pace yourselves, and if you’re bored, you can always start planning how you’re going to [expletive] up covering his next trial and the sober mea culpa you’ll deliver during his next term as president.” — JON STEWARTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Insano Edition)“The city that never sleeps versus the defendant who keeps nodding off during the trial.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“As he should. I mean, he’s been up since 2 a.m. rage tweeting. He needs his anger sleep.” — JON STEWART“Just when you think the insano-meter has topped out, Donald Trump adds farting to his list of atrocities.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, we don’t know for sure that Trump was the one farting in court, so it would not be right for me to state that he was. So, I cannot in good conscience report that Trump was pumping gas like a Barstow Texaco, but I can report, to borrow a phrase that he likes to use when spreading rumors, ‘Many people were saying Trump was farting in court.’” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More