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      Late Night Is Aghast the G.O.P. Is Allegedly Linked to Jan. 6

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      “It’s a real ‘Ocean’s 11’ of people who can’t count to 10,” Stephen Colbert said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘The Legion of Dumb’A new report in Rolling Stone magazine alleged that several members of Trump’s White House staff were involved in planning the rally that led to the Jan. 6 insurrection.Representatives Lauren Boebert of Colorado, Louie Gohmert of Texas and “Marjorie Taylor Greene of Mordor” — as Jimmy Kimmel referred to her on Monday night — were just a few of those said to be involved.“It’s a real ‘Ocean’s 11’ of people who can’t count to 10,” Stephen Colbert joked.“What a sad lineup that is. It’s the legion of dumb.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And I, for one, am shocked that Congress had anything to do with it, because it nearly worked.” — SETH MEYERS“One of the organizers said, ‘I remember Marjorie Taylor Greene specifically.’ Yes, I can imagine it’s hard to forget someone who tells you forest fires are caused by circumcised space lasers.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Representative Paul Gosar of Arizona was named, too. This guy, when he was running for office, six of his siblings — his own brothers and sisters — made an attack ad against him and called him a traitor. Before he was one of the most hated members of Congress, he was the most hated member of his family.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He reportedly told the organizers repeatedly they would get a blanket pardon from Trump and they were all, like, ‘Well, if there’s one thing we know about Donald Trump, he’s as good as his word.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“‘Blanket pardon’ sounds like the kind of made-up fake legal thing these doofuses would say. It’s a weird feature of our politics that the most sinister characters are also the biggest morons.” — SETH MEYERS“You could imagine Paul Gosar or Marjorie Taylor Greene on the phone with the Jan. 6 idiots huddled in their weird little militia hide-out/tree house promising them all kinds of crazy [expletive]: [Imitating Gosar and Greene] ‘You didn’t hear it from me, but I spoke to the chief wizard of the Supreme Court and he said there’s a secret provision written by Benjamin Franklin’s ghost, and it says you can have a blanket pardon, a private plane and a $100 gift card to Golden Corral.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (the Facebook Papers Edition)“It is a monumentally bad day for Facebook, the world’s top social media network and Uncle radicalizer.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“A group of U.S. news organizations last week began publishing a series of stories based on internal Facebook documents showing that the social media platform spreads misinformation, incites violence and facilitates human trafficking. Even worse, it gives people from high school a way to get in touch with you.” — SETH MEYERS“Thanks to hundreds of leaked internal documents, 17 news organizations are publishing a series of stories about all of the damage Facebook does, for example, how coordinated groups on Facebook sow discord and violence, including on Jan. 6. That’s in addition to the discord your cousin sows on Facebook by announcing she’s named her twins Dash and Otter.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The documents, which are being called the Facebook Papers, reveal frustration among Facebook’s staff about the company’s direction. Yeah, not so great to have all your personal information stolen, is it, Facebook?” — JAMES CORDEN“I don’t know, are we really surprised by this, finding out ‘What did Facebook know?’ Let me clear it up for you, what Facebook knows: They know everything. They know your Social Security number. They know where you live; what you’re having for lunch. They know the winners of the next five Super Bowls.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“They’re basically Specter, but we can’t stop because we have to monitor the weight of our former love interests.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Unsurprisingly, a lot of misinformation has to do with Facebook C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg. Last year, he testified before Congress that Facebook removes 94 percent of hate speech, but the company’s own researchers estimated that it was removing less than 5 percent. That’s — that’s a hell of a spread: ‘Mom, I know I said I got 94 percent on the math test, but it was actually 5 percent. I didn’t lie; I just really suck at math.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth Watching“The Daily Show” took a deep dive into Senator Kyrsten Sinema.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightOlivia Rodrigo will perform on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This Out“Judy Justice,” starring Judge Judith Sheindlin, will become available on Nov. 1.Tracy Nguyen for The New York TimesJudge Judith Sheindlin has moved on from “Judge Judy” to “Judy Justice.” More

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      Trevor Noah Predicts Trump Will Post Dares on Truth Social

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      Noah did an impression of Trump posting on his new social media site: “OK, I shared my truth, now I dare you to hang Mike Pence.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Truth or DareDonald Trump’s new social media app, Truth Social, was the talk of late night on Thursday. Trevor Noah touched on the site’s terms of service requirements for the “truths” users can post.“And, also, you know what this means: If Trump is posting ‘truths,’ knowing him, eventually he’s going to start posting ‘dares.’ ‘OK, I shared my truth, now I dare you to hang Mike Pence,’” Noah joked while doing a Trump impression.“In a press release, Trump explained the need for his new social network: ‘We live in a world where the Taliban has a presence on Twitter, yet your favorite American president has been silenced.’ I don’t think Trump’s making the point that he thinks he is in that. All he’s telling us is that he’s more offensive than the Taliban.” — JAMES CORDEN“The site was briefly accessible to the public last night, and was immediately overrun by trolls, including one who started a fake account under the former president’s name that posted a photo of a pig defecating on its own scrotum. Are they sure that was a fake account? Because it feels on brand.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yo, this man is a legend. He creates a free speech website, and immediately was like, ‘OK, here’s what you can’t say.’ It’s like if the first rule of Fight Club was, ‘Hey, hey, hey, no fighting! No fighting! No fighting! We work [expletive] out here.” — TREVOR NOAH“At the same time, though, you know this is going to backfire, because half of the fun of being on social media is talking [expletive] about the platform.” — TREVOR NOAH“How is Trump of all people going to make a rule about disparaging comments? I mean, this man roasts people so much, he has to do it at auctioneer speed.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Truth and Consequences Edition)“The man who told over 30,000 lies in office has started something called Truth. He’s also launched a new makeup line called Human Skin.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s the perfect site for any person who ever wondered, ‘What if Twitter was only the bad parts?’” — JAMES CORDEN“The former president also announced that he is setting up his own streaming service. Well, his — his second streaming service.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“According to the press release, they’ll proudly broadcast ‘nonwoke entertainment programming.’ That’s right, nonwoke! If you can stay awake, your money back.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s going to feature the former president’s favorites like ‘Who Wants to Spank a Millionaire?” ‘The Unmasked Singer,” and ‘Only Fascists in the Building.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Thursday’s “Late Late Show,” James Corden explained how he was able to procure Celine Dion’s chewed gum as a gift for Adele.Also, Check This OutIllustrations by Ross MacDonaldClassic crime novels by the likes of Agatha Christie, Ngaio Marsh, Dorothy Sayers, and Dashiell Hammett still hold up today. More

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      Trevor Noah Talks ‘Striketober’

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      “The Daily Show” host joked that jobs are “how Americans prove that they deserve health care.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Working One OverOn Tuesday night’s “Daily Show,” Trevor Noah looked into ‘Striketober,’ where workers at companies like Kellogg’s and John Deere are striking for things like bigger pensions and getting part of the profits.Noah referred to jobs as “how Americans prove that they deserve health care.”“With more job openings than ever and more people quitting than ever, workers suddenly find themselves with a lot of leverage, and they’re using it to demand things like better pay, more flexible hours and canceling the annual company ‘Squid Game.’” — TREVOR NOAH“And right now, workers from so many different industries are striking — although, it’s none of the bad industries that you wish would go on strike. Like, have you ever noticed how the people who collect student loans, they never go on strike. Or telemarketers? Come on, you guys deserve better pay!” — TREVOR NOAH“Now, going on strike is not a step that workers take lightly. It’s a major decision, you know? You risk your jobs. You lose out on pay. You have to protest in front of your workplace, but you can’t go in to pee.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yeah, I’m not going to lie: When I heard how brutal these hours were, I was shocked. Like, what the hell, Kellogg’s? You shouldn’t be working people to the bone for cereal. We can all eat a pancake once in a while.” — TREVOR NOAH“And it’s not just inhumane to treat employees this way; it totally goes against the Kellogg’s brand image of cheerful colorful cartoon mascots, you know? If Kellogg’s keeps this up, those games on the back of the box are going to start getting a lot less cheerful.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Mix-and-Match Edition)“Let’s kick things off with the topic on everyone’s mind: vaccine booster shots. They’re like a butt lift for your immune system.” — TREVOR NOAH“And one thing people are wondering about is whether they should mix and match their shots, because maybe vaccines are like superheroes. Sure, Iron Man can save your life, but if you follow him up with Captain America, now you have the Avengers.” — TREVOR NOAH“It will spice up all those vaccine conversations a little bit: ‘What shot did you get?’ ‘Pfiderna.’” — JAMES CORDEN“This is kind of like mixing alcoholic beverages — you can do it, but should you? Just remember the rule of thumb: Moderna before Pfizer, always wiser. Pfizer before Moderna, some concern-a.” — JAMES CORDEN“And where it really gets complicated is with the Johnson & Johnson shot, which is basically Hawkeye: You know it’s better than nothing, but, come on, huh?” — TREVOR NOAH“The government is careful to say they would not recommend one shot over another. They’re like parents talking to their kids about college: ‘Hey, pick whatever major makes you happy, as long as it’s not poetry or Johnson & Johnson.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Clearly, someone at the company has to be held accountable for this. Personally, I blame Johnson. Then again, maybe it was Johnson I should blame? No, no, it’s definitely Johnson.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingNick Offerman shared some sweet tidbits about his bromance with Wilco’s frontman, Jeff Tweedy, and the writer George Saunders while on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightIssa Rae will talk about the end of her HBO hit “Insecure” on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This Out Calla Kessler/The New York TimesBilly Porter’s new memoir, “Unprotected,” details his early introduction to musical theater and the emotional trajectory that followed. More

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      Stephen Colbert Can’t Take Christopher Steele’s Purported Tape

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      “I’m warning you, Steele. If this turns out to be a false report again, ‘urine’ trouble,’” Colbert said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Urine’ TroubleStephen Colbert just can’t quit talking about reports about the existence of a tape rumored to show Donald J. Trump in a compromising position in a Moscow hotel room. On Monday, he bemoaned a recent assertion by Christopher Steele, a British ex-spy, that such a tape “probably exists.”“No! No, Chris Steele, you will not get my hopes up again. I have moved on — my heart cannot take this!” Colbert said. “This show had an official last pee-pee tape joke on January 25th. You cannot get me to talk about this until the actual tape has been released — or at least streamed.”“I’m warning you, Steele. If this turns out to be a false report again, ‘urine’ trouble.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Another Shot Edition)“And here’s a big story, especially if you got the Johnson & Johnson one-and-done vaccine. Dr. Anthony Fauci is now saying that FDA data shows the Johnson & Johnson vaccine should have been two shots. I mean, come on — it was right there in the name.” — JAMES CORDEN“For both Pfizer and Moderna, the recommendation is that after six months, people over the age of 65 or who have pre-existing conditions should get a booster. But for Johnson & Johnson, the panel recommends boosters for people 18 and older, and it can be given two months after the first shot. Cool! Hey, you know when that information would have come in handy? Two months after the first shot!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The name itself has two doses: ‘Johnson & Johnson.’ Just like — just like how we’re getting ‘Mo’ derna. That’s — that’s science.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“In related news, the F.D.A. has asked Johnson & Johnson to rename its ‘No More Tears’ shampoo to ‘Legally Speaking, Probably a Few Tears.’” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingOn “The Daily Show,” Jordan Klepper spoke with Trump supporters at the former president’s recent Iowa rally about why they still believe he won the election.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightColdplay will continue its weekly residency on Tuesday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutJamie Loftus has branched out into podcasting partly out of fear that her comedy shows were pigeonholing her as “Gross Woman.”Matt Cosby for The New York TimesThe comedian Jamie Loftus revisits the “Cathy” comic strip in her podcast, “Aack Cast.” More

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      Stephen Colbert Spoils Stephanie Grisham’s Tell-All Tidbits

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      Colbert joked that the former White House press secretary had titled her Trump tell-all “I Just Recently Grew a Spine.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Too Little Too LateStephen Colbert lamented having to drudge up Donald Trump again on Tuesday night.“No matter how hard I try not to, sometimes the news forces me to talk about our former president, Scrooge McSchmuck,” Colbert said.This week, the topic was Stephanie Grisham’s new tell-all about her time working in the Trump White House, and Colbert said he wanted to spoil all the juicy bits so as not to give her a sales boost.“Stephanie Grisham worked in the White House for four years, and as press secretary, she famously never gave a single press conference. But now she’s spilling all the tea in her new book, ‘I Just Recently Grew a Spine.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“In the book, Grisham uses a lot of colorful language to describe the administration, calling it ‘a clown car on fire running at full speed into a warehouse full of fireworks.’ Or as Fox News would put it, ‘a brave band of flaming harlequins rushing patriotically into the explosive jaws of danger.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, just a reminder: She knew all about the fiery clown car and she still called shotgun for four years.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Grisham goes on to write, ‘I can give you endless metaphors: living in a house that was always on fire, or in an insane asylum where you couldn’t tell the difference between the patients and the attendants, or on a roller coaster that never stopped.’ Ooh, ooh, let me try: Being in his administration is like sliding blindfolded down a 50-foot razor blade into a tub of gin. It’s like walking through a minefield led by a baby trying to change his own diaper. Driving a manure truck over a cliff into a pit of other manure trucks. Deep-sea diving surrounded by sharks who won’t shut up about winning Wisconsin.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Facebook Fallout Edition)“Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you tonight from a room full of warriors. Heroes. Survivors. Forget World War II, this is the greatest generation, because yesterday, every single person in this room had to dig down deep within themselves and find the strength to make it through Facebook’s six-hour worldwide outage.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Facebook went offline yesterday for over six hours. Wow, they finally found something they couldn’t fix with horse paste.” — SETH MEYERS“Everyone’s parents came this close to joining TikTok.” — JIMMY FALLON“Besides Zuckerberg, it was also a rough time for conspiracy theorists because for conspiracy theorists, Facebook is basically their WebMD.” — JIMMY FALLON“Well, in a statement, Facebook said the cause of the problem was, quote, ‘configuration changes on the backbone routers.’ Then they continued, ‘which caused the frontbone flexbox to dislodge the tungle switch and toggle the pixel dock florpcord, which then jolted the compshank’s codedox’s popknob causing a triple spanx zip-donk.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Facebook said that no user data was compromised during the blackout. It was not a hack, all your information is safe with them: your age, your height, weight, eye color, blood type, your birth date, your hopes, your dreams, your kidneys — all totally secure in the Facebook vaults.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The blackout was followed by a devastating congressional panel investigation this morning. Democrats and Republicans in the Senate finally found something they can agree on: They both hate Facebook.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s right, today, a Facebook whistle-blower testified for more than three hours in front of Congress and said some pretty damaging things. That’s right, the whistle-blower said Facebook has repeatedly misled the public and that is not OK. We already have an app for misleading the public — it’s called Tinder.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden and his staff debated who among them would win in a fight.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe cast of the Netflix dystopian hit “Squid Game” will appear on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutWith “In These Silent Days,” Brandi Carlile reaffirms her ambitions and polishes them, too.Ricardo Nagaoka for The New York TimesBrandi Carlile’s seventh album, “In These Silent Days,” braves the extremes of her songwriting. More

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      Late Night Recaps This Year’s Congressional Baseball Game

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      “It was just baseball, no politics, until the Republican catcher went nuts about having to wear a mask,” Jimmy Fallon said on Thursday night.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Buy Me Some PeanutsDespite this week’s turmoil in Washington, including the threat of a government shutdown, the annual Congressional Baseball Game went ahead as scheduled, with President Biden and Speaker Nancy Pelosi among the spectators.“It was just baseball, no politics, until the Republican catcher went nuts about having to wear a mask,” Jimmy Fallon joked on Thursday night.“It was a real nail-biter. In the eighth inning, I got a text from Pelosi saying, ‘We’re down by one run and only your donation of $26 can turn this around.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But Pelosi had to work the phone instead of watching what I’m sure was a terrible baseball game. You think regular baseball is slow, imagine what it’s like with these bozos.” — SETH MEYERS“President Biden stopped by for the game, although it was a little creepy when he left by disappearing into a cornfield.” — JIMMY FALLON“He also spent some of the game working the phones, and then Biden left the park about an hour after he arrived. That has big absent dad vibes: [imitating Biden] ‘You look great out there, kiddo. Daddy’s just on a work call.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And while he was there, he handed out ice cream bars with the presidential seal on the package. I scream, you scream, we all scream, ‘Can you get back to work, Joe?’” — JAMES CORDEN“The Republicans beat the Democrats 13-12, but only because Kyrsten Sinema refused to tag anyone out.” — SETH MEYERS“The Dems had a chance for a big win, but in the bottom of the ninth, Joe Manchin wrote a letter cautioning that it would be irresponsible to score.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Free Britney Edition)“All right, let’s move on to some news about Britney Spears: formerly a girl, yet currently a woman.” — TREVOR NOAH“Jamie Spears, her father, is vacating his daughter’s conservatorship to focus on his true passion, trying to jump an ATV over his aboveground pool.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It has been 13 years since a court put her under a conservatorship, which means she can’t spend her own money, she can’t make her own career or medical decisions and she can’t even choose her own fighter in ‘Super Smash Bros.’ She just has to be Diddy Kong every single time!” — TREVOR NOAH“And props to her fans for making this happen. Because you know who really was ahead of the curve? That ‘Leave Britney alone’ person. Yeah, at the time, we were like, ‘Whoa, that’s a little over the top!’ And now we’re like, ‘Yo, let’s put this [expletive] on the Supreme Court.’” — TREVOR NOAH“I mean, Britney Spears is worth $60 million, yes — but she doesn’t need a conservator. You know who does? People with $60 billion. Those people are out of control. I mean, name one thing Britney has done that’s as wasteful and just, like, mindless as going into space in a giant penis.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingChloe Fineman of “Saturday Night Live” performed several spur-of-the-moment impressions on “The Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutDaniel Craig in “No Time to Die,” which was delayed a few times because of the pandemic. “I’m so desperate for people just to see it and hopefully for them to like it,” he said.Nicola Dove/MGMDaniel Craig says goodbye to James Bond with “No Time to Die.” More

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      Stephen Colbert Channels Willy Wonka to Explain Congress

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      The “Late Show” host broke into song to tell viewers about budget reconciliation and other works of “legislative wonder.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Yet Another Armageddon“I hope everyone in America is using protection, because it is very possible that we are all screwed,” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday night. The “Late Show” host was referring to the potential for a government shutdown and the possibility of the U.S. hitting the debt ceiling. (He also explained the arcane process known as budget reconciliation, putting on a Willy Wonka hat to do so.)“It would be what one economist called ‘financial Armageddon.’ That’s bad news and even worse timing, because America’s already scheduled a plague Armageddon, a climate Armageddon and a democracy Armageddon.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yes, for one magical vote a year, senators leave the mortal world behind and enter an enchanted land of reconciliation. [singing to the tune of ‘Pure Imagination’ from ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’] Come with me, and you’ll be / In a world of reconciliation / It’s our sole remedy / Except for pure intoxication.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Reconciliation is a phantasmagorical place of legislative wonder, where anything can happen. Who knows — maybe even something!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Congress — that’s the only workplace less productive than Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch.” — TREVOR NOAH“It’s almost like shoving everything you want into one gigantic $4 trillion package doesn’t work.” — JAMES CORDEN“Republicans aren’t making it any easier, of course. They’ve already deployed their go-to weapon that always stops the Democrats from getting things done: other Democrats.” — JAMES CORDEN“Wait, wait — maybe we should inject the budget with horse paste.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Whac-a-Mole Edition)“YouTube just announced that it is blocking all anti-vaccine content. Blocked it. But don’t worry, if you want anti-vaccine content, just check out the comment section of literally any video.” — JIMMY FALLON“Better 18 months late than never, I guess.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“TikTok explicitly prohibits misinformation related to Covid. Unfortunately, that hasn’t stopped videos from spreading faster than the disease that makes people listen to Joe Rogan.” — SAMANTHA BEE“This is all thanks to the TikTok algorithm that uses machine learning to keep users addicted. And if that machine has to learn quick, it dumps Adderall into its USB drive.” — SAMANTHA BEE“While TikTok has removed 62 million videos in the first three months of this year, it’s nearly impossible to remove every problematic post. It’s like playing TikTok Whac-a-Mole, except the moles believe the vaccines will give you an 11th toe.” — SAMANTHA BEEThe Bits Worth WatchingThis week’s hashtags segment on “The Tonight Show” challenged viewers to create fall-themed parodies.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightCharlize Theron, star of “The Old Guard 2,” will appear on Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutJon Stewart’s new show is about “trying to figure out how to diagnose what’s really, actually going on here,” he told the crowd at a recent taping.Apple TV +Jon Stewart’s new talk show, “The Problem With Jon Stewart,” will examine social issues through the personal stories of guests. More

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      Late Night Hits Trump With Colonoscopy Jokes

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      A new book by a former White House press secretary said that the former president feared late night hosts would poke fun at him if he went under for the medical procedure.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘They Had to Film It in Imax’A new book by the former White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham, “I’ll Take Your Questions Now,” revealed some fun facts about Donald J. Trump on Tuesday. One of the biggest bombshells was about the former president’s mysterious visit to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in 2019, which Grisham said was for a colonoscopy that Trump stayed conscious for, in part to keep late night television hosts from finding out and making fun of him.“I have to say, it gives me a lot of satisfaction, as a late night talk show host, to know that he opted to stay awake while they augered his innards with a sewer snake specifically because he didn’t want us making fun of him,” Jimmy Kimmel said.Kimmel said he felt cheated, finding out such vital information so late in the game: “Because when a president, especially this president, gets a colonoscopy, it is my duty — that’s right, duty — to make jokes about it.”“The president’s doctor decided to schedule this procedure after the White House toilet killed itself.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It took a while because the doctor kept accidentally sticking the camera in his mouth.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“As soon as they switched the camera on, Trump turned around and said ‘Hey doc, how are the ratings?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Afterward, the whole medical team kept saying, ‘Wow, what an unbelievable [expletive].” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The doctors said the hardest thing about giving Trump a colonoscopy was getting the camera around Mike Pence’s nose.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, colonoscopy was no big deal — they only found three polyps and Rudy Giuliani.” — JIMMY FALLON“Well, sure, with this president, they had to film it in Imax.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Oh, my God, that had to be terrible — for the doctor who had to give a colonoscopy while the guy on the table kept screaming about how he won Michigan.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (The ‘Music Man’ Edition)“The book also says a White House official known as the ‘Music Man’ would play Trump his favorite show tunes like ‘Memory’ from ‘Cats’ to pull him from the brink of rage. It makes sense because Trump’s presidency is exactly like ‘Cats’ — awkward, bizarre and no one had any idea what the hell was going on.” — JIMMY FALLON“And if they wanted to drive him to the brink of rage, they’d show him the movie ‘Cats.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yep, Trump listened to ‘Cats’ to cheer himself up while the rest of his staff remained ‘Les Misérables.’” — JIMMY FALLON“One thing I know for sure: Some day, when Ryan Murphy eventually makes an ‘American Crime Story’ about the Trump White House, I am definitely playing the ‘Music Man.’” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Tuesday’s “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell,” the “Late Night” writers Amber Ruffin and Jenny Hagel poke fun at white neighborhoods and gay dating apps.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightStephen Colbert will welcome Anita Hill to Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutJocelyn Nicole Johnson, a public school art teacher for 20 years, is the author of “My Monticello.” Matt Eich for The New York TimesAt 50, Jocelyn Nicole Johnson saw her debut collection, “My Monticello,” publish to great acclaim, and she also scored a Netflix deal. More