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      Stephen Colbert Can Relate to Ted Cruz

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      “Now that Joe’s president, I find it much easier to sleep, too,” Colbert joked on Thursday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Snoozin’ CruzSenator Ted Cruz, Republican of Texas, appeared to have fallen asleep during segments of President Biden’s congressional address on Wednesday.“I can relate to Ted Cruz,” Stephen Colbert said on Thursday night. “Now that Joe’s president, I find it much easier to sleep, too.”“Ted Cruz was so bored at that speech that he fell asleep. And I know what you are thinking right now. You think I’m going to say something like ‘Oh, that’s weird, I thought lizards slept with their eyes open.’ But I’m not going to say that, because honestly, that was the most relatable thing that Ted Cruz has ever done.” — TREVOR NOAH“Dreaming of Cancún, no doubt.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Lyin’ Ted just turned into Snoozin’ Cruz.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Now, to be fair, he had a full day of flipping off babies at the park.” — JAMES CORDEN“Because that speech was boring, and when you consider that almost none of Biden’s goals are going to get past Congress, we basically just listened to an old man talk for an hour about his dreams.” — TREVOR NOAH“President Biden called on Congress last night to create a new agency to develop breakthrough treatments for diseases such as Alzheimer’s and cancer, and who knows, maybe even narcolepsy.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (100 Days Down Edition)“Today marks the end of President Joe Biden’s first 100 days in office, which is the period where every president tries to get their big things done. You know, F.D.R. introduced the New Deal, Ronald Reagan rolled back the welfare state, and Bill Clinton installed that stripper pole in the situation room.” — TREVOR NOAH“And to celebrate the occasion, last night Joe Biden delivered his first address to Congress. Yes, for hundreds of years Joe Biden has sat and watched other presidents give speeches to Congress, but now it was his turn.” — TREVOR NOAH“Joe Biden’s got that new job enthusiasm, which always fades over time. You know, and right now he’s like ‘I’m changing everything.’ And like a year or so from now, his top priority — top priority — is going to be angling his computer monitor so that no one can see he’s watching ‘Outlander.’” — TREVOR NOAH“And get this: 85 percent of people who watched Biden’s speech approved of it. That’s amazing. The only other things Americans like that much are Dolly Parton and cheese fries.” — JIMMY FALLON“In Trump’s first 100 days he accomplished a lot, too. He tweeted that Snoop Dogg’s career was failing, that Nordstrom was mean to Ivanka, and that he was a better host of ‘The Apprentice’ than Arnold Schwarzenegger.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingDesus and Mero shared some thoughts about Justin Bieber’s new dreadlocks.Also, Check This OutAfter a breakthrough performance on “The Tonight Show” in 2017, “there were a lot of people I felt that had pigeonholed me into this idea of what they thought I was,” Harrison said.Chantal Anderson for The New York TimesOften playing a scene-stealing side character, Patti Harrison finally gets a starring role in “Together Together.” More

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      The F.B.I.’s Giuliani Raids Warm Late Night’s Heart

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      Federal agents “made sure to show up in daylight, when Rudy was still asleep in his coffin,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Wednesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Sweating Grecian Formula’Late-night hosts couldn’t resist mocking Rudy Giuliani on Wednesday after the F.BI. searched his apartment and his office in Manhattan.“The F.B.I. showed up with search warrants at 6 o’clock this morning. They made sure to show up in daylight, when Rudy was still asleep in his coffin,” Jimmy Kimmel said.“Come on, that’s way too early! Rudy’s not himself until he’s had his first cup of hot breakfast wine.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“They took the former mayor’s electronic devices; they were seized. I think it’s safe to assume none of those electronic devices were toothbrushes.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I know Rudy Giuliani is a high-powered lawyer, mayor of New York City, adviser to the president of the United States, but I still picture his office above a repair shop right next to a palm reader’s.” — JAMES CORDEN“But Rudy’s lawyer — very upset. He called the raid ‘legal thuggery.’ He said, ‘Why would you do this to anyone, let alone someone who was the associate attorney general, U.S. attorney, mayor of New York City and the personal lawyer to the 45th president of the United States?’ Who would dare to show up unannounced and take his beloved Jitterbug phone? It’s just not American.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Investigators are reportedly conducting a criminal investigation into Giuliani’s dealings in Ukraine to try to dig up dirt on the Bidens on behalf of Donald Trump. And if you think he was sweating Grecian Formula before, you should see him now.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“When the agents walked in, Rudy got so nervous, he started sweating hair dye and tucking all the evidence down his pants.” — JIMMY FALLON“Oh no, they took his cellphone. Now he’ll have to butt-dial reporters on a landline.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, Rudy panicked and called his lawyer, then when his own phone starting ringing, he panicked even more.” — JIMMY FALLON“But lucky for Rudy, wives can’t testify against their cousins.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (New Address Edition)“Well, guys, earlier tonight, President Biden delivered his first joint address to Congress on the eve of his 100th day in office. Last time someone in their 70s got that much applause, they were doing ‘Da Butt.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Biden was the first president to deliver the speech in front of a mask-wearing audience. If you don’t count Bill Clinton’s last State of the Union, whose theme was ‘Eyes Wide Shut.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Biden tonight laid out the specifics for his ‘American Families Plan.’ Trump had a family plan, too, but his was to give jobs to everyone in his family.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s right, the Capitol took center stage tonight, and I got to be honest, it was nice to see someone behind the podium who wasn’t wearing deer antlers and a pelt.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, it was a fun night for Democrats. On the other hand, Republicans didn’t seem too thrilled. They looked like they just heard their best hope in 2024 is Randy Quaid.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Wednesday’s “Full Frontal,” Samantha Bee urged the Biden administration to step up improvements to the country’s border policies.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightLeslie Jordan will promote his new book, “How Y’all Doing? Misadventures and Mischief From a Life Well Lived,” on Thursday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutFlorence Welch is part of a formidable team enlisted to bring “The Great Gatsby” to the stage.Rob Grabowski/Invision, via Rob Grabowski, via Invision, via Associated PressFlorence Welch of Florence + the Machine will write the lyrics for the new “Great Gatsby” stage musical. More

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      Jimmy Fallon: Vaccinated Americans Are ‘Flashing Their Mouths Like It’s Mardi Gras’

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      “I’ve got to be honest: I’m going to miss wearing a mask.” Fallon joked on Tuesday. “The adult acne made me feel young, you know?”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Mask OffPresident Biden announced on Tuesday new coronavirus guidelines that would allow vaccinated Americans to forgo wearing masks when participating in outdoor activities or when not in a crowd.“When people heard that, people in the street started flashing their mouths like it was Mardi Gras,” Jimmy Fallon joked.“I’ve got to be honest: I’m going to miss wearing a mask. The adult acne made me feel young, you know?” — JIMMY FALLON“Aw, yeah! Take it off, baby! Show daddy them nostrils!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That’s good news. Where are we on pants; are those still required?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This is great news for people who love fresh air, but a little late for those who already have the tan lines.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now we can go back to the good old days of giving each other dirty looks because of racism, classism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, and those people who wear Adidas pants with Nike shoes.” — TREVOR NOAH“You see, we never needed masks; we already knew how to hate each other.” — TREVOR NOAH“On the bright side, now we can stop weirdly opening our eyes to greet people on the street.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Who Charted Edition)“I’m also glad because now, according to the C.D.C. charts, if you’re vaccinated, you can go eat outdoors now without a mask on, as opposed to before, when you had to wear a mask while you were eating.” — TREVOR NOAH“The chart ranks activities from safest to less safe to least safe. It’s the same chart people use when deciding between Delta, United and Spirit Airlines.” — JIMMY FALLON“Because what better way to get people to remember something than a 14-row, three-column, color-coded document with loads of text?” — JAMES CORDEN“Who designed this chart, the same people who designed those parking signs in L.A.?” — TREVOR NOAH“I love, as well, if you look, exercise class is the last thing on the list. It’s even like the list going, ‘Look, we both know you’re not going to do it.’” — JAMES CORDEN“It’s unreadable. You don’t see the forest service putting out flow charts like: ‘No fires, unless the fires are in stone pits, or you come from a long line of firefighters, or you watch the weather and you know a rainstorm is coming in a few minutes.’ No, they say: ‘No fires or this bear is going to eat your [expletive] family.’” — TREVOR NOAH“And, yes, I know the C.D.C. is just trying to cover all the bases, because maybe there’s a tiny chance you could get corona, even if you’re vaccinated. But if that messaging ends up convincing people that there’s not much of a reason to get vaccinated at all, then we’re shooting ourselves in the foot, which is not something we should do. Or, as the C.D.C. would put it: ‘masked guy in an indoor red zone.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingCorrespondent Dulcé Sloan delved into the history of female hip-hop M.C.s on Tuesday’s “The Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightMike Lindell, the chief executive of My Pillow, will appear Wednesday on “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutNichole ShinnVaccine fan fiction is getting users hot on TikTok. More

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      Late Night Celebrates Earth Day

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      “Earth Day started back in the ’70s with very lofty goals and has kind of turned into, ‘Guys, please, just for one day try not to light garbage on or near a panda bear, OK?’” Jimmy Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Save the Rainforest (Cafes)Late-night hosts celebrated Earth Day on Thursday, with Jimmy Kimmel touching on the holiday’s origins.“Earth Day started back in the ’70s with very lofty goals and has kind of turned into, ‘Guys, please, just for one day try not to light garbage on or near a panda bear, OK?’” Jimmy Kimmel joked.“There are so many amazing things from Earth. I mean, we have oceans and mountains, and shaving cream, and pine cones and the iPhone. We’ve got monkeys; we’ve got chocolate-covered raisins. Ryan Gosling, we’ve got Ryan Reynolds. We’ve got the Aurora Borealis. Pens are good. ‘Property Brothers,’ Magic Johnson, tennis rackets, yoga pants, poodles, tacos, yarn, marshmallows and Mr. T. I mean, that is a diverse portfolio of things that we should be grateful for.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, Earth Day is like prom in that every year has a theme. This year’s is ‘Restore Our Earth.’ Yes, we have to, or pretty soon the theme’s going to be ‘Enchantment Under the Sea.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“A lot of stores celebrated Earth Day. H&M added a section for sustainable items, Lowe’s offered a free garden-to-go kit, and Subway recycled last week’s tuna.” — JIMMY FALLON“I’m kidding around, but protecting the Earth is serious. I mean, can you believe that in 1999, we had nearly 50 Rainforest Cafes, and now we’re down to almost 20?” — JIMMY FALLONClimate ChangesPresident Biden’s climate summit was a related hot topic, with late-night hosts touching on the president’s announcement that the United States will cut its carbon emissions in half by 2030.“Added Biden, ‘Of course that responsibility will ultimately fall to President the Rock.’” — SETH MEYERS“Other countries are cautiously optimistic now. They’re like, ‘OK, but last year, weren’t you the guys saying climate change isn’t real? Which America are we talking to?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The science is absolutely clear that it’s necessary to avoid a worldwide catastrophe. No one should be against this, so naturally, almost every Republican is against this.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Climate change is getting harder to ignore. Last year, wildfires blazing in the Arctic Circle set new emissions records, the Atlantic hurricane season raged stronger than ever, and we reached the end of the hottest decade ever recorded. Most of that came in the last year due to the rise in ‘Bridgerton’ butt.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The tone of the summit was that we’re all responsible. But you know, Costa Rica was looking at the U.S. and China like: ‘Yeah, this is all our fault, right? Yeah. We’re all to blame.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Earth Day Edition)“Happy Earth Day! Everyone is in the spirit. This morning at 7-Eleven, I saw a rat drinking a Big Gulp with a metal straw.” — JIMMY FALLON“Today was Earth Day. ‘Ah, yes, the place I’m totally from,’ said Mark Zuckerberg.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, today was Earth Day even though I didn’t planet.” — SETH MEYERS“Today was the 51st Earth Day, although the Earth was like, ‘Let’s say — let’s just tell people I’m 35.’” — JAMES CORDEN“Humans celebrating Earth Day is like fleas celebrating Dog Day.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingDesus and Mero caught up with a friend of the show, Issa Rae, about her official new status as media mogul after Ms. Rae, the “Insecure” creator and star, signed an eight-figure deal with WarnerMedia.Also, Check This OutFans have gotten their wish: LeVar Burton is slated to guest-host “Jeopardy!” the last week of July.Etienne Laurent/EPA, via ShutterstockAfter fans campaigned online, LeVar Burton will guest-host “Jeopardy.” More

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      How Late Night Addressed the Derek Chauvin Verdict

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      “It’s hard to celebrate, because a man is still dead, but there is a sense of relief that at least this one injustice was not compounded with indifference,” said a somber Stephen Colbert.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘A Step in the Right Direction’On Tuesday night, several late-night hosts addressed the breaking news that Derek Chauvin, a former police officer in Minneapolis, had been convicted of murder in the death of George Floyd. The case prompted mass racial justice protests last year after Chauvin, who is white, was filmed kneeling on the neck of Floyd, who was Black, for more than nine minutes as Floyd pleaded for his life.“After 10 hours of deliberation, a jury in Minneapolis decided that it’s illegal for the police to murder people; that Black lives matter,” said Stephen Colbert.“It’s hard to celebrate, because a man is still dead, but there is a sense of relief that at least this one injustice was not compounded with indifference. And it could easily have gone the other way. No matter what you saw on that tape, this nation does not have a great track record on this subject. But at least in this case, this man faces accountability.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But justice is a far more difficult goal. America still has a problem of over-policing and systemic racism, but hopefully this is a step toward a future where police being held accountable for their actions isn’t headline material, and a hope that accountability today is a deterrent for tomorrow.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Today is one stop on a journey that began last May and led to protests calling for that accountability in every town and every city in America. But this is just one stop. There is more work to be done, and it’s work that all of us should be committed to, because as Ben Crump, the Floyd family lawyer, reminded us today, justice for Black America is justice for all America.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And while this is a step in the right direction, there’s still a lot of work to be done. Too often, justice isn’t served, and the need for police reform remains. We all must continue to call out injustice until things change for the better.” — JIMMY FALLON“Real justice would be Black Americans not having to live in fear of being stopped by police and killed, and surely that is a verdict that we need to work towards. And that can be the verdict that one day we can celebrate.” — JAMES CORDEN“I think we’re all grateful that it went the way that it did. In this case, the jury made the correct decision, a unanimous decision, which is a step in the right direction. And I hope the verdict itself brings comfort to the family of George Floyd and all those who mourn his death. And I also want to say, ‘Good luck in prison, Derek, you’ll need it.’ That’s right. I hope you’re there for a very long time.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (National Holiday Edition)“4/20, of course, is a holiday for pot smokers and pot eaters who celebrate 4/20 by doing pretty much exactly what they do every day.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I read that 40 percent of people who smoke think 4/20 should be a national holiday, while the rest skipped work today because they thought it was a national holiday.” — JIMMY FALLON“Right now there is so much smoke in New York City, every apartment looks like it elected a new pope.” — JIMMY FALLON“And this April 20 is the big one, because today, 4/20 turned 50. Fifty! That means it’s old enough to sneak off into the garage while the kids are at soccer practice and smoke half a joint, but then it has a panic attack, so it spends the afternoon on the couch drinking water and watching QVC. Far out, man.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This is the 50th anniversary because, back in 1971, a group of California high school students used to gather to smoke pot every day at 4:20 p.m. Admirable punctuality for a group of kids who were always high.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Not really as edgy, is it, as it used to be? Do you know what I mean? Now that marijuana is legal in California, you know? Sort of feels like the equivalent of White Wine Day.” — JAMES CORDEN“I hope we don’t get caught up in the commercialism of 4/20 and forget the real meaning of 4/20, you know?” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingMike Lindell, the MyPillow founder and fiercely loyal Trump supporter, responded to Jimmy Kimmel’s Monday-night monologue, in which the host jokingly invited him on his show.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightRicky Martin will perform on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutChris Buck for The New York TimesSeth Rogen, above, has made a pivot from Hollywood stoner to homemade ceramist. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel to Mike Lindell: The Obsession Is Mutual

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      “Mike Lindell doesn’t seem to understand I’m his biggest fan,” Kimmel said of the MyPillow C.E.O. “I have no idea what he is doing, but I love it.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Machines, Vaccines and Me’Mike Lindell, the founder of MyPillow, is a frequent target of late-night hosts who skewer him for supporting former President Donald Trump’s baseless claims of election fraud. Having been barred from Twitter over those claims, Lindell launched his own social media platform on Monday with a livestream set to last 48 hours. Jimmy Kimmel’s name has come up more than a few times during what he described as Lindell’s “yellathon.”“It’s quite a production. Phones are ringing, there are crank calls pouring in, the lights went out. He kept ranting and raving about the same things over and over again — machines, vaccines and me,” Kimmel said.“A lot of people said the C.E.O. of a pillow company couldn’t successfully launch a major social media site, and those people were 100 percent correct.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He’s been going nonstop since 7 o’clock this morning. In 17 hours, he’s taken maybe two breaths. At one point he claimed they had 75 million people watching. Even Trump was like, ‘Oh, please, quit exaggerating.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s like the Jerry Lewis telethon if Jerry was on a public access channel and crack.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“What Mike Lindell doesn’t seem to understand is I’m his biggest fan. I have no idea what he is doing, but I love it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course I would have him on our show, under two conditions. Number one, he has to actually come into our studio — I need to see him in person. I want to smell the knackwurst in his mustache. And number two, I would like to conduct our interview in a bed, surrounded by pillows. Just me and Mike snuggled up side by side in a California king surrounded by sacks of goose feathers.” — JIMMY KIMMELSunday Night SpecialPresident Biden and former President Barack Obama appeared alongside several celebrities on an NBC special Sunday night encouraging Americans to get vaccinated.“Almost no one watched that special. It had very low ratings. Why would we? We already had a special to promote the vaccine — it’s called the news every day for the past 13 months.”— JIMMY KIMMEL“The stars turned out in force to promote the vaccine, from Kumail Nanjiani and Ellen Pompeo, to Amanda Seyfried and Jane Seymour. And you can trust Jane Seymour, because she’s a medicine woman.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Another highlight came when Dr. Anthony Fauci was interviewed by actor Matthew McConaughey. Wow, the sexiest man alive was interviewed by Matthew McConaughey!” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Life on Mars Edition)“NASA made history today with a successful helicopter flight on Mars. This marks the very first time an aircraft has been flown on another planet. ‘Helicopters on Mars’ — sounds like a band Jude Law was in at school.” — JAMES CORDEN“That’s right, a little helicopter detached from a rover and now they’re both exploring Mars. Or as Pixar put it, ‘Sold!’” — JIMMY FALLON“The flight lasted a total of 30 seconds. The men on the team said it was a complete success while the women agreed so they wouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.” — JIMMY FALLON“It wasn’t a long flight, it lasted just 30 seconds and reached an altitude of about 10 feet. It may not sound like a lot, but 10 feet means Ingenuity can dunk.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I say they’ve got two more flights before it ends up stuck on the neighbor’s roof.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Today’s mission was the first of several, because the helicopter could make as many as five flights in the coming weeks — although, to save a couple bucks, one of those flights has a layover in Charlotte.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe stand-up comic Tig Notaro told Jimmy Fallon all about her role in Zack Snyder’s new zombie film, “Army of the Dead.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightCher will appear on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutThe closure of the ArcLight chain includes the Cinerama Dome, which was first shuttered when the pandemic hit.Kate Warren for The New York TimesThe director Gina Prince-Bythewood (“The Old Guard,” “Love & Basketball”) writes that the loss of ArcLight theaters in Los Angeles will be felt by filmmakers as much as by moviegoers. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Heckles ‘Future Former Florida Congressman’ Matt Gaetz

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      Kimmel poked fun at Gaetz and his friend Joel Greenberg for making their Venmo transactions public: “One of those ‘salads’ cost more than $1,000 — I guess they added avocado.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Public FinanceJimmy Kimmel poked fun at “future former Florida congressman” Matt Gaetz on Thursday night over the more than 150 public Venmo transactions that Gaetz and his friend Joel Greenberg made to dozens of young women.“Three payments for $500, $500, $250, labeled ‘ice cream’; five other payments labeled ‘salad,’” Kimmel noted. “One of those ‘salads’ cost more than $1,000 — I guess they added avocado.”“Two of the transactions were for ‘stuff’ and ‘other stuff.’ And let me just say this: It’s bad enough that Matt Gaetz is implicated in doing ‘stuff.’ But ‘other stuff’? That’s outrageous.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And, of course, we know about all of this because stupid Joel Greenberg made his Venmo transactions public, as did Matt Gaetz. They didn’t check the privacy box. What’s the opposite of a criminal mastermind?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Chances are pretty high that if you’ve broken the law, there’s evidence of it on your phone, especially since Gaetz was reportedly using Cash App and Venmo to make payments to his indicted buddy. Used to be when politicians broke the law, they stuffed an envelope full of $100 bills and met their contact in a parking garage. Now they just Venmo a buddy with an emoji of an envelope stuffed with cash.” — SETH MEYERS“I’d say along with getting your phone seized, being chased down a flight of stairs by a crowd of reporters and getting hustled into the back seat of a waiting car isn’t a sign that things are going great. That’s classic corrupt politician stuff. No one ever in that situation is in it for a good reason: ‘Sir, sir, can you tell us how you cured cancer?’ ‘I didn’t cure cancer; stop spreading lies about me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to be rushed into this unmarked van.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Northern Exposure Edition)“In Canada yesterday, a member of Parliament, which is Canada’s equivalent to our House of Representatives, accidentally exposed himself on an official government Zoom meeting. His camera was on, he didn’t know it, and everyone saw his Canadian bacon.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This is the Canadian version of storming the Capitol.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“People alerted him right after they took a million screen shots.” — JIMMY FALLON“Before putting on pants, he was like, ‘It’s cold here today in Canada, isn’t it cold? Everyone’s talking about how cold it is.’” — JIMMY FALLON“He was completely nude. He was changing after a jog, and thought his camera was off. From now on you can call me that guy’s camera because I am turned on.” — JAMES CORDEN“The member of Parliament apologized and explained it was an innocent mistake — but also, if you want to see more, check out his OnlyFans page.” — JAMES CORDEN“Of course, he apologized — he’s Canadian. He would have apologized whether it happened or not.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But can you imagine if this happened here? If Jerry Nadler started swinging his thing around on camera?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth Watching“The Daily Show” detailed what it’s like for Black families to have “the talk.”Also, Check This OutIn “Mare of Easttown,” Kate Winslet plays a Pennsylvania detective dealing with missing girls and mounting personal problems.Michele K. Short/HBOKate Winslet plays a small-town cop investigating the murders of several young women in HBO’s new mini-series, “Mare of Eassttown.” More

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      Jimmy Fallon Pokes Fun at Johnson & Johnson’s Vaccine Pause

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      “That’s right, they’re recommending a pause. Then anyone who’s ever been dumped was like: ‘Oh, boy. We know what “pause” means,’” Fallon said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.What Are the Odds?Johnson & Johnson was the talk of late night on Tuesday after the F.D.A. advised a pause in using its Covid vaccine because six recipients developed blood clots within two weeks of vaccination.“That’s right, they’re recommending a pause. Then anyone who’s ever been dumped was like: ‘Oh, boy. We know what “pause” means,’” Jimmy Fallon joked.“But statistically speaking, six is not that significant, since nearly seven million people in the U.S. have received Johnson & Johnson shots so far. That’s less than one in a million. To put that in perspective, it’s slightly better odds than you have of getting to visit Willy Wonka’s Fantabulous Chocolate Factory, which, for the record, kills or maims four out of the five children who step foot inside.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You realize that means you’re more likely to get struck by lightning 10 times, which, by the way, is the origin story of Marvel’s most useless superhero.” — TREVOR NOAH“That means the odds are less than one in a million. It’s .0000009 — that’s more zeros than in the Trump family.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And don’t forget, yes, yes — you might have a 0.0001 percent chance of getting blood clots from this vaccine, but if you get coronavirus, you can get lung damage, heart damage, neurological damage, strokes, seizures, Guillain-Barré syndrome, immune disorders, erectile dysfunction and, get this, also blood clots.” — TREVOR NOAH“And today if you had a Johnson & Johnson appointment in New York, they gave out Pfizer instead. Yeah, it’s like going to a restaurant and hearing, ‘We’re out of Coke; is Dom Pérignon OK?’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, it’s a really rare event. It’s like seeing a working self-checkout machine at CVS, that’s how rare.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Johnson v. Johnson Edition)“Honestly, if you ask me, I think it’s impressive Johnson & Johnson even made a vaccine with such a low chance of blood clots. Pfizer and Moderna are drug companies; Johnson & Johnson makes baby shampoo — I’m surprised their [expletive] works at all.” — TREVOR NOAH“When reached for comment, Johnson said it was Johnson’s fault, but Johnson pointed the finger at Johnson.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I blame the second Johnson. He never graduated high school.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Damn it, Johnson & Johnson, you had one jab.” — JAMES CORDEN“Johnson & Johnson is owned by the same family who owns the New York Jets, so don’t think of this as a pause; think of it more like a 50-year rebuild.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingTaylor Swift revealed the inspiration for her song “Hey Stephen” on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe comedian Margaret Cho will be on Wednesday’s “A Little Late With Lilly Singh.”Also, Check This OutNina Totenberg, Linda Wertheimer and Cokie Roberts in 1979.NPRLisa Napoli’s “Susan, Linda, Nina & Cokie” chronicles four journalists who helped to establish NPR in the 1970s. More