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      Royals’ Interview Response Rings Hollow to Late-Night Hosts

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightRoyals’ Interview Response Rings Hollow to Late-Night HostsStephen Colbert was puzzled by the British monarchy’s concern about being seen as out of touch: “Because if there’s one thing the palace surrounded by iron spikes looked like before, it was ‘in touch.’”Late-night hosts read from the British royal family’s response to Oprah Winfrey’s interview with Prince Harry and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex.Credit…CBSMarch 10, 2021Updated 6:57 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Royally Out of TouchLate-night hosts on Tuesday discussed the British royal family’s response to Oprah Winfrey’s interview with Prince Harry and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, which included allegations of racism that observers say could cause lasting damage to the monarchy.“Palace sources say the Windsors were blindsided because they thought at worst, the interview would make them look out of touch,” Stephen Colbert said. “Because if there’s one thing a palace surrounded by iron spikes looked like before, it was ‘in touch.’ Now, remember not to make eye contact with the lady whose face is on the coins.”“Buckingham Palace today released a statement on behalf of the queen that begins, ‘The whole family is saddened’ — saddened is another word for bull [expletive] — ‘to learn the full extent of how challenging the last few years have been for Harry and Meghan.’ Oh, they just found out. ‘The issues raised, particularly that of race, are concerning. While some recollections may vary, they will be addressed privately.’ In other words, Prince Charles is about to get a royal shoe in his [expletive].” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The statement continues, ‘They are taken very seriously and will be addressed by the family privately.’ Oh, no doubt. I hear Prince Andrew has an island he goes to to address his privates.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“For those who aren’t fluent in palace speak, they’re basically saying, ‘We’re sorry you feel this way.’” — JIMMY FALLON“The statement would have sounded more sincere if they didn’t end it with, ‘So, we good?’” — JIMMY FALLONEmotional ExitHosts also couldn’t resist poking fun at the television anchor Piers Morgan, who resigned from “Good Morning Britain” on Tuesday after being called out on air for frequently speaking ill of Meghan.“That’s right, after months of criticizing Meghan Markle for making an emotional exit, Piers stormed offstage in an emotional exit.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, Piers is leaving, and he asked to be taken in by Tyler Perry and given full security.” — JIMMY FALLON“Piers Morgan is such a baby, someone at Buckingham Palace just asked what color he’s gonna be.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Congratulations. Tomorrow’s going to be a great morning, Britain.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Dog Bites Man Edition)“Speaking of aggressive behavior, at the White House there’s been what has been described as ‘a biting incident’ involving President Biden’s German shepherd, Major, who allegedly sank his teeth into an unnamed individual. Major has been stripped of his rank; he’s dishonorably discharged.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Now, before you worry, the dog is fine. He wasn’t sent to a farm upstate in Delaware, because Delaware doesn’t have an upstate. It barely has a state.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Apparently Major was jumping, barking and charging at people. You’d think after the last four years, the White House staff would be used to that.” — JIMMY FALLON“I just want to point out that we’re a month and a half into the Biden administration and the first scandal is literally ‘Dog Bites Man.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“They sent him back home to live in Delaware. See, that’s another difference between Biden and Trump: When Biden’s dog misbehaves, they send him home. When Trump’s dog misbehaved, he sent his supporters to storm the Capitol and get him.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“When Major heard he was going back to Delaware, he was like, ‘No, please! A kennel, the pound, anything — just not Delaware.’” — JIMMY FALLON“See, under the last administration, that kind of behavior would have made you press secretary.” — SETH MEYERS“Major was removed from the White House. He was impooched.” — JAMES CORDEN“Yep, Major and Champ have left the White House, and Sunday night they’re sitting down with Oprah to discuss where it all went wrong.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth Watching“Conan” compiled all the edited American ads that played during the British airing of the Oprah interview.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe actor Kevin Bacon will appear on Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutNorton Juster in 2011 at his home in Northampton, Mass. “The idea of children looking at things differently is a precious thing,” he once said. “The most important thing you can do is notice.”Credit…Bill Greene/The Boston Globe, via Getty ImagesThe late Norton Juster changed children’s literature with his 1961 illustrated classic “The Phantom Tollbooth.”AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Jimmy Fallon: Ron Johnson Could Replace Ted Cruz as Most Hated Senator

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightJimmy Fallon: Ron Johnson Could Replace Ted Cruz as Most Hated SenatorThe “Tonight Show” host joked that the Wisconsin Republican could be more detested for at least the 10 hours that Senate clerks read the 628-page stimulus bill aloud, as Johnson demanded.“On the bright side, after he causes a 10-hour delay, Johnson will immediately get a job offer from Delta,” Jimmy Fallon joked.Credit…NBCMarch 5, 2021, 2:27 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.10 Hours, 628 PagesThe new stimulus bill was being held up in the Senate this week after Senator Ron Johnson, Republican of Wisconsin, demanded clerks read all 628 pages out loud.“Yeah, this means for 10 hours, Ted Cruz wasn’t the most hated senator in Congress,” Jimmy Fallon joked on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”“To make it feel even longer, Johnson hired Gilbert Gottfried to do the reading.” — JIMMY FALLON“You really think that’s going to be a deterrent? We’ve all been in quarantine for a year. I’ve done things that are a lot less exciting than listening to a bill get read aloud for 10 hours.” — SETH MEYERS“That takes guts. Reminds me of the classic film ‘Mr. Smith Forces Senate Clerks to Go to Washington.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Perhaps it’s just Ron Johnson’s way of telling us he can’t read. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Senator. We’re sending LeVar Burton.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The 600-page bill will be read aloud in the Senate for 10 hours. This is the political equivalent of making someone come to your improv show.” — JAMES CORDEN“I’m going to wait until it’s adapted on Netflix. I’ll watch it then, you know?” — JAMES CORDEN“And to all the hungry kids out there, be patient. Ron Johnson is making a symbolic point. You can eat tomorrow or maybe next week — whatever.” — TREVOR NOAH“The only thing built up more than this bill is Oprah’s interview with Meghan Markle.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Not Again Edition)“Today, you know, was supposed to be a big one for the aluminum foil hat crowd.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Because the inauguration used to be on March 4, according to Q-spiracy theorists, today was the day the former POTUS would be restored to the presidency. That did not happen, but he was restored as customer of the month at the Palm Beach KFC/Taco Bell.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m starting to not trust my QAnon message boards.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“These conspiracy aficionados picked the date March 4 because it is the date on which presidents used to be inaugurated in the olden times, which is so random. March 4 is also the anniversary of the first People’s Choice Awards. And by the way, the people chose Joe Biden, so I don’t know. Just get off the Q and call your children — they’re worried about you.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Again? Come on, Q-bees. Remember what Einstein said: ‘The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. Also, QAnon. Those people are [expletive] crazy.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, were these plans ever real? Who knows. But out of an abundance of caution, the House canceled today’s legislative session. It’s kind of like a domestic terrorism snow day in that they’re both dangerous and white.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingTrevor Noah shared a brief history of first ladies in a “Daily Show” recurring segment, “If You Don’t Know Now You Know.”Also, Check This OutAdam Scott in “Party Down,” which is being brought back for a six-episode limited series.Credit…StarzStarz is reviving its short-lived cult comedy hit “Party Down” for six new episodes.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Late Night Recaps CPAC and the Golden Globes

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightLate Night Recaps CPAC and the Golden GlobesThe conference was billed as the largest and most influential gathering of conservatives in the world, Stephen Colbert said on Monday. “That’s if you don’t count their last gathering” at the Capitol. “It was a Murderers’ Row of people who were OK with Mike Pence being murdered,” Stephen Colbert said of the CPAC lineup.Credit…CBSMarch 2, 2021Updated 3:00 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.PAC of LiesThe hosts shared some of their favorite bits from the weekend’s Conservative Political Action Conference, the annual assembly of the American right. Among the featured speakers was former President Donald Trump, who attacked his successor and insisted that he won the 2020 election. “This weekend was the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, billed as ‘the largest and most influential gathering of conservatives in the world.’ That’s if you don’t count their last gathering.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I watched CPAC and ‘WandaVision’ this weekend, and I’m not sure which characters are living in a more warped reality.” — TREVOR NOAH“South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem attacked Anthony Fauci, Representative Matt Gaetz attacked Mr. Potato Head, and the C.E.O. of Goya Beans said Donald Trump is still the ‘real, legitimate and actual president of the United States.’ Now he can get away with saying that because what are you going to do — buy generic black beans?” — TREVOR NOAH“It was a Murderers’ Row of people who were OK with Mike Pence being murdered.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The headliner of the weekend was the former president. His speech was pretty light on substance and energy, but there was one major revelation: He told the audience that he would not start a third party. Of course he isn’t going to start a new political party — he already owns one.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yep, it was 90 minutes of rambling followed by Trump supporters storming Epcot.” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump said ‘Did you miss me?’ which is literally what every movie villain says when they come back.” — JAMES CORDEN“As you would expect, the crowd to see Trump was very white. They basically made the Hollywood Foreign Press look like the cast of ‘One Night in Miami.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Golden Globes At Home Edition)“The Golden Globes are the opposite of CPAC in every way, except for they don’t have any Black people on the board. That’s what they have in common — otherwise they are very different.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know you’ve got representation problems when the Proud Boys have more Black members than you.” — TREVOR NOAH“Explains why in past years they’ve given Golden Globes to ‘Green Book’ and Hellman’s.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It was kind of fun to see where celebrities set up their zoom. Some were in their living room, others were in their study — Jeff Daniels was in the door section of Home Depot, apparently.” — JIMMY FALLON“You know, some celebrities spend their money on fancy cars and jewelry; Jeff Daniels spends his money on doors. I respect the hell out of that.” — TREVOR NOAH“This year’s looks ran the gamut from Cynthia Erivo in Valentino and Nicole Kidman in Louis Vuitton all the way to Jason Sudeikis in tie-dye hoodie. You can shop Jason Sudeikis’s look by digging into the bottom of your hamper and then taking that edible you’ve been saving for an emergency.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The 78th Golden Globe Awards were held last night after being delayed for nearly two months by the coronavirus pandemic, though you didn’t have to wait the whole two months in front of your computer, Al Pacino.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon and John Legend performed their timely new tune “March Again” on “The Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe comedian and actor Fortune Feimster will appear on Tuesday’s “A Little Late With Lilly Singh.”Also, Check This Out“Biggie: I Got a Story to Tell” is mainly a prehistory of the Notorious B.I.G.Credit…NetflixA new Netflix documentary chronicles Christopher Wallace’s rise from the streets to becoming the rapper Biggie Smalls, otherwise known as the Notorious B.I.G.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Trump’s Trial: Stephen Colbert Experiences ‘Déjà Coup’

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightTrump’s Trial: Stephen Colbert Experiences ‘Déjà Coup’Donald Trump’s second impeachment trial kicked off on Tuesday with late-night hosts predicting it will end just like the first.“The country’s like a bar. The last president puked in the bathroom. Somebody’s got to clean it up, or we can’t use the bathroom anymore,” Stephen Colbert joked on Tuesday.Credit…CBSFeb. 10, 2021Updated 3:16 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Impeachment, the SequelThe late-night hosts on Tuesday night recapped the first day of former President Donald Trump’s second impeachment trial.“I got that real feeling of déjà coup,” said Stephen Colbert in his “Late Show” monologue.“It’s one year and four days since we finished up the last impeachment trial of the same president, February of 2020. Oh, we were so young then. I long for a simpler time, when people hiding from Nazis and not leaving their house for months were just the plots of ‘Jojo Rabbit’ and ‘Parasite.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I don’t know about you guys, but I am stuffed with wings and nachos from my impeachment trial party.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, two impeachments are historic, but just like Tom Brady, Trump won’t rest until he gets to seven.” — JIMMY FALLON“Today, Trump became the only president ever to face a second impeachment trial, which is pretty impressive when you consider he only showed up to work about half of the time. I mean, if Trump really applied himself as president, we could be on impeachment number, like, 35 by now.” — TREVOR NOAH“But you can definitely tell this impeachment is the sequel, because the sequel always has to turn things up to 11. The original impeachment was like: ‘Listen to this diplomat describe a phone call as you ponder the meaning of quid pro quo.’” — TREVOR NOAH“And I know that this vote might make the trial seem pointless now, yes, but just because we know how the trial will end, it doesn’t mean the trial shouldn’t take place. I mean, when you’re watching ‘Law & Order,’ right, do you turn it off in the first five minutes when the cops interview a dentist who obviously killed his patient to cover up an affair? Of course not! You watch the whole thing because then you get to say, ‘I knew it!’ when you end up being right.” — TREVOR NOAH“Today, 44 Republican Senators voted that the trial was unconstitutional, because they don’t want to have this trial. Well, tough nuts. The country’s like a bar. The last president puked in the bathroom. Somebody’s got to clean it up, or we can’t use the bathroom anymore. Oh, you’re the ones who decided to be a busboy. So grab a mop and do your job. But if you can’t find a mop, use Rand Paul’s hair.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The reason they’re even having this trial is because he sent maniacs on a panty raid of their office. They’re just too afraid to do the right thing because Trump and his bag of boiled nuts will then target them.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know what they say, gentlemen: see no evil, hear no evil makes you seem really evil.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Rambling Lawyer Edition)“After how it went today, I’m worried that Trump is gonna get the chair.” — TREVOR NOAH“Trump’s lawyer is giving the speech you give when you have to stall because the actual lawyer is stuck in traffic.” — TREVOR NOAH“Trump is probably watching this at home like: ‘What the hell is wrong with this guy? The ad on the side of the bus said he was the best. Why would he be on the bus if he’s not the best?’” — TREVOR NOAH“Castor was so rambling, there were times it seemed like his plan was to put everybody to sleep, then grab the Articles of Impeachment and just tiptoe out. Even C-SPAN tried to save their ratings by switching to live testimony from the House subcommittee on paint drying.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Even Joe Biden was like: ‘Come on, man. Wrap it up.’” — JIMMY FALLON“If the Senate had an orchestra pit, they’d be playing him off.” — JIMMY FALLON“Given who his boss is, I’m pretty sure that was his opening and closing statement. [As Trump] ‘You’re fired.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani was watching like, ‘Damn, this guy’s good.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Now, Castor only had a week to prepare for the trial and has never met with Trump in person, which is honestly a good legal strategy. Like, ‘Hey, man, the less I know, the better.’” — JAMES CORDEN“[Imitating Castor] I am the lead prosecutor — sorry, the defense — here to prove the president is guilty — sorry, innocent — and should be sent to jail — sorry, to Mar-a-Lago. Wow. I guess Freud’s mom’s got my penis, I mean, cat’s tongue!’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden spoke with the newly minted four-time Super Bowl champion Rob Gronkowski on Tuesday’s “Late Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightKristen Wiig will catch up with Stephen Colbert on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutCredit…Frazer Harrison/Getty ImagesMegan Mullally, a star of the animated Fox comedy “The Great North,” is inspired by TwinsthenewTrend pop music reaction videos on YouTube, vintage T-shirts and Rickie Lee Jones cover songs.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Stephen Colbert Is Thrilled to Have a President With a Plan

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightStephen Colbert Is Thrilled to Have a President With a Plan“Yesterday, President Biden announced a dramatic change to America’s Covid plan: There is one,” Colbert said on Wednesday.Stephen Colbert is optimistic that by Halloween, “the hottest costume is going to be sexy normal people saying hello. They’re sexy, because they can touch hands.”Credit…CBSJan. 28, 2021, 2:33 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Plan B(iden)“Yesterday, President Biden announced a dramatic change to America’s Covid plan: There is one,” Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday night.Late-night hosts shared their enthusiasm about Biden’s promise that vaccination production and distribution will be ramping up.“That means February 2 — next week, Groundhog’s Day — Punxsutawney Phil can come out of his burrow and get vaccinated and stay within six feet of his shadow.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“On his first day in office, the president signed an order requiring masks in federal buildings and on federal lands. Then on his second day, Biden signed another order mandating masks in airports and on many planes, trains, ships and buses. And then on the third day, he just yelled ‘Let’s get loud!’ and took the rest of the day off.” — SAMANTHA BEE“The most exciting news: The federal government is buying enough additional doses to vaccinate 300 million Americans by the end of the summer. So next Halloween, you know the hottest costume is going to be sexy normal people saying hello. They’re sexy, because they can touch hands.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Fortunately, some states have recently changed their laws so more people are eligible to give shots. In New York, for example, that list now includes pharmacists, dentists and podiatrists. But still no-late night hosts, which is weird, considering how I’ve been consistently injecting giggles into the soul of America for five years now.” — SAMANTHA BEEThe Punchiest Punchlines (The Number Two Test Edition)“China has rolled out an anal swab coronavirus test, saying it’s more accurate than the throat method. It’s more accurate, but it’s still being called the number two test.” — JIMMY FALLON“So this is what they meant when they said the pandemic was finally starting to turn around.” — JAMES CORDEN“You know what? There’s a point at which I would rather just have the coronavirus.” — TREVOR NOAH“The plus side is with testing like this, you might not even need a vaccine. You just tell people, ‘Hey, we’re not having lockdowns, but every time you leave your apartment, some stranger’s going to shove a Q-Tip up your butt.’ We’ll be done with corona in, like, two weeks.” — TREVOR NOAH“They’re saying that the science shows that these swabs are more accurate than other forms of swab. The only trick is finding the right position to hang your butt out the window of your car.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And for even more accuracy, they do a nasal swab and an anal swab until they touch in the middle.” — JIMMY FALLON“We wanted to test people that way here at Television City, but CBS pooh-poohed it.” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth Watching“Jimmy Kimmel Live” celebrated the 50th birthday of Guillermo, Kimmel’s beloved parking lot security guard turned onscreen sidekick.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightTerry Gross, the host of NPR’s “Fresh Air,” will appear on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutThe actress Cloris Leachman in 1974. She won accolades and an Academy Award for her dramatic work, but comedy was her forte.Credit…George Brich/Associated PressThe late Cloris Leachman will be remembered for a lengthy film and TV career, from “The Last Picture Show” to “Malcolm in the Middle.”AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More

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      Samantha Bee Welcomes America’s ‘Brand-New Very Old President’

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      #masthead-section-label, #masthead-bar-one { display: none }What to WatchBest Movies on NetflixBest of Disney PlusBest of Amazon PrimeBest Netflix DocumentariesNew on NetflixAdvertisementContinue reading the main storySupported byContinue reading the main storyBest of Late NightSamantha Bee Welcomes America’s ‘Brand-New Very Old President’Bee and other hosts were relieved to see the Trump years finally end. “So that’s what it feels like when you’re not grinding your teeth,” Seth Meyers said.The Biden era has begun, and Samantha Bee couldn’t be happier. Credit…TBSJan. 21, 2021, 3:09 a.m. ETWelcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘I Can See Colors Again’Late-night hosts were all too happy on Wednesday night to celebrate Inauguration Day, or what Seth Meyers referred to as “the catharsis of seeing a person who was not Donald Trump become the president of the United States.”President Biden received rave reviews from hosts like Samantha Bee, who was thrilled to announce, “We finally have a brand-new very old president!”“That’s right — Donald Trump is no longer the president of the United States. And look, this isn’t going to solve all our problems, but it will remove a big one. If you’re addicted to heroin, gambling and prostitutes and you only quit heroin, that’s still a huge step.” — SETH MEYERS“Wow, all right. So that’s what it feels like when you’re not grinding your teeth. I forgot, and I think — yeah, I can see colors again.” — SETH MEYERS“It’s a little like getting rid of the last guy at a party. You spent four years yawning and stretching, and hinting that he should get out, and when he finally leaves, it is a relief, until you remember you still have to clean up all his puke and he, like, puked everywhere.” — SETH MEYERS“It’s so nice to have a president with a soul again. The previous one sold his to the devil and didn’t even get Georgia out of the deal.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s like we’ve been on a ship that’s been in a storm for four years, and we just stepped onto dry land. I want to kiss the ground, but, you know, Covid, so I’m just going to — I’m just going to fist-bump it.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And I’ll tell you something, I don’t know about America yet, but I feel great again.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“After four years of struggling just to slow down Trump’s malicious agenda, Democrats are in an unimaginable position: We can finally do things that help people.” — SAMANTHA BEE“To paraphrase Michelle Obama, ‘When they go low, we go J. Lo’ — and we did.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Today this country showed the world that there is no MyPillow large enough to smother our democracy.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know, I remember going back to the day Trump was inaugurated, such a terrible day, and wondering, can our country even survive four years of this? And now we know the answer: not really. Just barely.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It was a bright sunny day in Washington, and now we have a president who knows not to stare directly at the sun.” — JIMMY FALLON“Right before the Bidens came out, something very auspicious happened: It started snowing. It’s an inauguration miracle! [singing to the tune of ‘Let It Snow’] Oh, the last guy in charge was frightful, but the new one seems delightful. And now there’s four years to go; President Joe, President Joe, President Joe.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I have to imagine this is what it feels like when the oncologist calls and tells you the tumor is benign.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Seriously, anyone else feel like they just lost 280 pounds?” — JIMMY FALLON“It feels like the country is back. Sure, the GPS took us on some crazy back roads for the last four years, but now we’re back on Main Street, and we can tell people we were lost.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Have a Good Life Edition)“I know a lot of you were expecting Trump’s speech to be weird and inappropriate. Well, you were 100 percent right.” — JIMMY FALLON“‘Have a good life?’ That’s not a presidential farewell. That’s what your high school crush writes in your yearbook as a final twist of the knife: ‘I guess we won’t be seeing each other with me going to Bryn Mawr and you staying here to chase your kickboxing dreams so, have a good life.’” — SETH MEYERS“Former President Trump concluded his remarks at this morning’s send-off at Joint Base Andrews by telling the crowd, quote, ‘We’ll see you soon.’ ‘We were about to say the same thing,’ said the Southern District of New York.” — SETH MEYERS“Although I do like how he said he’ll ‘be back in some form,’ because my man knows you gotta leave on a cliffhanger.” — TREVOR NOAH“That’s ominous. What form? A Demogorgon? A Horcrux? Maybe he’ll come back as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“‘In some form?’ What does that mean? [imitating Trump] ‘Whenever you see a black plastic bag stuck in a tree, or a vulture on the shoulder of the highway pulling the guts out of a dead raccoon, that’ll be me.’” — SETH MEYERS“OK, well at least he made it sound as creepy as possible.” — JAMES CORDEN“This is like the end of a bad movie where the villain says he will return, and you are like, ‘I don’t think this one is getting a sequel.’” — JAMES CORDEN“Who wrote this speech, Voldemort?” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingA few friends helped Bee with a socially distanced crowd surf to mark the inauguration, including Jane Fonda, Cynthia Erivo and Catherine O’Hara.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightSenator Bernie Sanders, whose wool mittens quickly got their own hashtag, will talk to Seth Meyers about his Inauguration Day experience on Thursday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutMatthew Teague in Fairhope, Ala.: “I wanted my wife’s legacy and memory to be one of enormous respect.”Credit…Akasha Rabut for The New York TimesAfter Hollywood optioned his devastating essay about his dying wife, the journalist Matthew Teague vowed the movie would do right by her. The reviews landed like a gut punch.AdvertisementContinue reading the main story More