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      Trevor Noah Still Doesn’t See Any Good Arguments Against Gay Marriage

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      “The House has officially passed a bill legalizing gay and interracial marriage, which is a great victory for 1995,” Noah joked on Wednesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.A Little RespectThe Respect for Marriage Act was passed in the House this week, which Trevor Noah described as Democrats “trying to learn their lesson and protect those rights before Clarence Thomas gets to them.”“The house has officially passed a bill legalizing gay and interracial marriage, which is a great victory for 1995,” Noah joked on Wednesday.“Everyone is still shellshocked by the Supreme Court’s recent decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. Although this made conservatives happy because they finally made government small enough to fit inside a woman’s vagina, everyone else was pretty furious.” — TREVOR NOAH“And people weren’t just angry at the Supreme Court. No, they were pissed at Democrats because they didn’t codify Roe v. Wade. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t said ‘codified’ this much in my entire life.” — TREVOR NOAH“Because let’s be honest: It is really strange to be diving back into this debate that we thought was resolved in 2015, all right? This is weird — they’re like ‘We are doing it now.’ Well, what do you mean now? What’s next — we’re going to start arguing about that dress again? Is that what we are doing? Because it is over, guys — it’s over. We decided a long time ago it’s blue and black, all right? And anyone who thinks it’s while and gold is a Nazi. Yeah, I said it.” — TREVOR NOAH“I mean I don’t even know what the argument is against gay marriage — what’s the argument? When it became legal in 2015 conservatives all said, ‘Oh, America is going to fall apart when this happens,’ and yeah, it kind of did but that’s not ’cause of gay marriage.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Hot Earth Edition)“Meanwhile, today, President Biden announced new executive actions to address the climate crisis. Whew, just in time. it’s 115 degrees outside!” — JIMMY FALLON“Unfortunately, Biden’s speech was cut short when the teleprompter burst into flame.” — JIMMY FALLON“So the president held a press conference today to announce new steps to combat climate change but stopped short of declaring a national emergency. Yeah, you don’t want to call a climate emergency too early — you’ve got to wait until our internal temperature is 165 degrees in the thigh. Then we’re safe to eat.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Seriously, even the climate change deniers were like, ‘Do you mind if we protest inside? It’s hot as hell out here.’” — JIMMY FALLON“It’s so hot in the city, Times Square had a naked cowboy and a shaved Elmo.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingLizzo surprised fans with an “Undercover Sing” segment on Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightRuPaul will guest host Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutFrom left, Lydia Rose Bewley, Richard E. Grant, Dakota Johnson and Yolanda Kettle in the latest version of “Persuasion.”Nick Wall/NetflixNetflix’s adaptation of “Persuasion” is the latest in failed attempts to please fans of Jane Austen. More

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      Stephen Colbert Reflects on This Year in the Supreme Court

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      Colbert referred to the court’s year of bold rulings as “a real roller-coaster ride, in that I am nauseous and scared we’re all going to die.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Environmental HazardThe Supreme Court held the last session of its term on Thursday and announced yet another controversial decision. This time, the court ruled to limit the Environmental Protection Agency’s ability to regulate carbon emissions from power plants.Stephen Colbert referred to the court’s year of bold calls as “a real roller-coaster ride, in that I am nauseous and scared we’re all going to die.”“Today was the final day of the Supreme Court’s current term and I gotta say, thank god. This must be how the Jets feel when halftime finally arrives: [imitating a Jets player] ‘Well, at least we get 15 minutes when they can’t kick our [expletive]!’” — SETH MEYERS“What are you thinking, Supreme Court? It’s the Environmental Protection Agency — if they can’t limit the emissions, then the agency can’t protect the environment. They’re going to have to change what the ‘P’ stands for — maybe ‘Environmental Punch-Dolphins-in-the-Taint Agency.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“With these maniacs in charge, our only hope is that the smokestacks put on a condom.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The Supreme Court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency does not have the authority to protect the environment? So what is their job now?”— TREVOR NOAH“And by the way, by the way, just so you understand, this ruling might not just be about the carbon emissions. A lot of experts believe the logic of today’s ruling makes it harder for the government to regulate anything unless Congress specifically passes a law to do it. Because you see, right now, a lot of regulations are made by agencies, like — like the F.D.A. They will handle food, you know? The C.D.C. with public health; the B.R.B., with ignoring text messages.” — TREVOR NOAH“Yeah, Justice Jackson made history as the first Black woman on the Supreme Court, and the first person to make people cheer for the Supreme Court in the past two weeks.” — JIMMY FALLON“Ketanji Brown Jackson was sworn in today as the Supreme Court’s 116th justice — and then Clarence Thomas dissented against that, too.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Vasectomy Edition)“With contraception in the judicial cross hairs, folks are taking their genitals into their own hands, with men rushing to get vasectomies — and then very slowly walking home from them.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“According to one urologist, before the Supreme Court’s ruling he received four or five vasectomy requests a day. But since the decision, that number has spiked to 12 to 18. Makes sense. The most effective forms of birth control for men are abstinence and vasectomies. They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I’ve never personally performed a vasectomy, but I’d like to try my very first one on Samuel Alito.” — CHELSEA HANDLER“Following the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, urologists have reportedly seen an uptick in requests for vasectomies. And this is weird — from women: [imitating woman] ‘His name is Dave — I’ll bring him in.’” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden tried his hand at being the president’s assistant on Thursday’s “Late Late Show.”Also, Check This OutOur list of 12 books to read in July includes a tender coming-of-age memoir by Isaac Fitzgerald, a biography of Vladimir V. Putin and novels from Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Bolu Babalola and Daniel Nieh. More

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      Seth Meyers Calls Out Fox News Hosts for Falling Speechless

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      Meyers said hosts couldn’t “settle on a coherent narrative the way they usually do,” as indicated by a long, awkward pause during a live broadcast about Cassidy Hutchinson’s testimony.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Dead AirCassidy Hutchinson’s testimony continued to be the talk of late night on Wednesday. The former Trump White House aide’s statements on Tuesday were so powerful that Fox News hosts appeared speechless on air, specifically a long, awkward pause during a broadcast with Bret Baier, Sandra Smith and John Roberts.“They couldn’t settle on a coherent narrative the way they usually do,” Meyers said. “They just cycled through a bunch of different lines, from screaming about media bias to claiming everyone knows Trump gets angry to dismissing Hutchinson as a low-level staffer who supposedly had ulterior motives.”“Oof. That’s like when you get in the car with your parents after they took you to a movie that had way more nudity than they were expecting.” — SETH MEYERS“I also like how they all act like the question was for the other person: ‘John, why don’t you go ahead?’” — SETH MEYERS“[imitating Fox News hosts] ‘I’m sorry, are you talking to me John or the cameraman John?’ ‘Sandra, do you want to take this one?’ ‘Oh, sorry, I couldn’t hear you. Why don’t you go ahead, Bret?’ ‘No, no, no, no, no, no. Ladies first.’” — SETH MEYERS“That’s quite the pause. Explains Fox’s new slogan ‘Fair and … indeed, yes, we are still here.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And I just wanna say, hey, John Roberts, way to throw Sandra under the bus! [imitating John Roberts] ‘Sandra, are you still there? Because I sure wish I wasn’t here.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Giuliani 2.0 Edition)“Well, guys, it’s been a tough couple of days for the Giuliani family. First, Rudy Giuliani — I don’t know if you heard this — he claimed that he was assaulted at a grocery store, but security footage showed that it was more of a pat on his back. And then, last night, Rudy’s son Andrew Giuliani lost the Republican primary for New York governor. Yeah. His biggest weakness? Name recognition.” — JIMMY FALLON“It was a tough night for Andrew. He gave his dad a big hug, and then Rudy accused him of assault.” — JIMMY FALLON“Andrew, honey, I hope you know that you lost, not because of your swollen bee sting head, or because you’ve got a smile like a jack-o’-lantern, or because you have zero qualifications. You lost because your last name is now toxic, because your dad had one week after 9/11 when he was considered a hero, but then he blew it when he went [expletive] nuts.” — CHELSEA HANDLER, guest host of “Jimmy Kimmel Live”“There are so many questions left unanswered. Would Andrew have lost if his dad didn’t try to overthrow democracy from a landscaping store, or sweat gravy during a press conference? We’ll never know.” — CHELSEA HANDLERThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden took “The Late Late Show” this week to London, where John Boyega, Minnie Driver and Sam Smith discussed the best breakup songs on Wednesday night’s show.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightAriana DeBose will sit down with Jimmy Fallon on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutFrom left, Constantine Rousouli, Marla Mindelle and Alex Ellis in “Titanique,” a production that doubles down on “Titanic” and Celine Dion as modern camp icons.Emilio Madrid“Titanique” is a campy reimagining of the blockbuster film set to songs by Celine Dion. More

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      Late Night Reacts to Cassidy Hutchinson’s Damning Trump Testimony

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      “I mean you’ve got to admit, though, fighting your own Secret Service agent is genius on Trump’s part — he’s hitting the one person who can’t hit back,” Trevor Noah said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Go for the JugularThe latest Jan. 6 hearings were called “insane” by late-night hosts several times on Tuesday night, after Cassidy Hutchinson, a Trump aide, testified that the former president hurled his lunch against the wall in anger, lunged at a Secret Service agent and attempted to grab the steering wheel of the presidential limousine so that he could join the rioters at the Capitol.“I, too, was shocked to hear that Trump threw any of his food away. Because let’s be honest, this guy’s taken more selfies with food than some of his kids,” Trevor Noah joked.“And you heard what she said — this wasn’t a one-time thing. Trump was constantly throwing food tantrums. But what’s interesting is she didn’t say ‘flipping the table’; she said ‘flipping the tablecloth.’ So either Trump was an amateur magician, or he wasn’t strong enough to flip a table, so he just did the tablecloth.” — TREVOR NOAH“He went for the throat! When you get into the Secret Service, you know you have to take one for the president, but you never expect to take one from the president: ‘Thank you for your service. Let’s keep this part secret.’”— STEPHEN COLBERT“Always good when you need another Secret Service to protect the Secret Service, you know what I’m saying?”— JIMMY FALLON“Evidently, the former president breaks a lot of dishes, which is why his handlers make sure his meals are served only in bucket or edible bowl.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That is no way to treat the Secret Service — that is how you treat a contestant in the dressing room of the Miss Universe pageant.” — CHELSEA HANDLER, guest host of “Jimmy Kimmel Live”“Trump fighting to take control of the president’s car like it’s an action movie, only he’s the president and this is real life.” — TREVOR NOAH“I mean you’ve got to admit, though, fighting your own Secret Service agent is genius on Trump’s part — he’s hitting the one person who can’t hit back. Yeah, they can punch back but then they’ve got to jump in front of their own punch.” — TREVOR NOAH“When grabbing the steering wheel didn’t work, he grabbed the car by the [expletive].” — CHELSEA HANDLER“Immediately the agents were like, ‘Who the hell let him out of his car seat?’” — JIMMY FALLON“That is insane, but it is going to make a great season premiere of ‘Kleptocrats in Cars Seizing Power.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Not to victim blame, but this is on the Secret Service, all right? You had four years to Trump-proof that vehicle — you knew who you were dealing with. There should have been a toy steering wheel in the passenger seat the whole time. Just let him think he’s driving and go back to the West Wing anyway.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Killing Me Softly Edition)“Folks, speaking of Jan. 6 plotters, this weekend Rudy Giuliani was assaulted by a grocery store worker on Staten Island. Before I go any further, before I say anything else, let me say that Rudy Giuliani is fine, other than the fact that he remains Rudy Giuliani.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And more importantly, ‘The Late Show’ and ‘The Late Show’ family of producers condemns violence of any kind. You should not go out and lay a finger on the former mayor in any way. First, because it is just wrong, and, second, because you don’t want to get any of that weird Rudy juice on you.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Something tells me this isn’t the first time Rudy has exaggerated the size of something.” — CHELSEA HANDLER“You think that’s what being shot feels like? No wonder you’re not concerned about guns. That wasn’t a slap. That was a Little League coach saying, ‘You’ll get ’em next time.’” — SETH MEYERS“After the video evidence came out, the D.A. released the assailant, who also had the charges against him reduced. They’ve gone from felony assault down to back-tap with intent to ‘Hey!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Rudy remains undaunted. His son, Andrew, and his load-bearing teeth say we don’t have to worry about Rudy because he’s ‘tough as nails.’ And just like nails, he’s always hammered.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingRepresentative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez sat down with Stephen Colbert to discuss Tuesday’s hearing on “The Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightSteve Carell will sit down with Seth Meyers on Wednesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutKurt Russell as Elvis in the 1979 TV movie of the same name.Donaldson Collection/Michael Ochs Archives, via Getty ImagesFrom Kurt Russell to Michael Shannon, some of the best modern actors have taken a crack at portraying Elvis on the screen. More

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      Chelsea Handler Chides the Supreme Court

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      “At this point I’d probably have more rights if my vagina was an AR-15,” Handler mused on Monday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Speaking From ExperienceChelsea Handler kicked off four nights of guest hosting “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on Monday night, saying, “I will be here all week long, or at least until Republicans make it illegal for women to talk.”“Jimmy is off right now doing whatever the [expletive] he wants with his body.” — CHELSEA HANDLERHandler dedicated her monologue to the Supreme Court’s Friday decision to overturn Roe v. Wade.“Remember like five days ago when Fox News told us the biggest threat facing America was drag queens? That was cute.” — CHELSEA HANDLER“At this point I’d probably have more rights if my vagina was an AR-15.” — CHELSEA HANDLER“And by the way, I’m speaking from experience on all of this as someone who had three abortions in high school. And if that sounds too extreme, let’s pretend I had two. Because here’s the thing: This planet is a much safer place without me polluting it with my children. I’m responsible enough to know that we don’t need any more pothead molly-loving alcoholics running around topless.” — CHELSEA HANDLER“Not only has this decision further divided our country, most families now have two separate group texts going: one with relatives who support the rights of women and one with the relatives who live in Florida.” — CHELSEA HANDLERThe Punchiest Punchlines (Supreme Court Edition)“Everyone is talking about the Supreme Court after they made some pretty major decisions over the last few days, and let me just sum it up for you: They basically said whether it’s a gun or a baby, you’re carrying something.” — JIMMY FALLON“So, reproductive rights in America lasted for less time than ‘The Young and the Restless.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“People just want things done. No one cares about Kente cloth or singing on the Capitol steps and especially not poetry, all right? I feel like any moment now Chuck Schumer is going to throw on a fake pregnant belly, and just take a knee in the Capitol and be like ‘We are all pregnant now and we’re standing together.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth Watching“The Daily Show” correspondent Michael Kosta investigated vasectomies on Monday’s show.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightRepresentative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will appear on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutAnnie Hardy, left, and Angela Enohoro in “Dashcam.”Blumhouse ProductionsThis month’s picks for five new horror films available to stream now are scary, but not too scary. More

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      Trevor Noah Calls Out Rudy Giuliani for Being ‘Thirsty’

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      “Yeah, Rudy made so many unanswered calls, the iPhone started labeling him as spam,” Noah said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Spam LikelyThe Jan. 6 hearings continued on Tuesday, where reports of former President Trump’s attempt to flip the outcome of the election with state officials took center stage.“One of the people Trump depended on most in the pressure campaign was Rudy Giuliani, his personal lawyer and final boss in a Resident Evil game,” Trevor Noah said on Tuesday. “Unfortunately, it seemed like no one wanted to take Rudy’s calls.”“Yeah, Rudy made so many unanswered calls, the iPhone started labeling him as spam.” — TREVOR NOAH“Can we acknowledge what a fall this has been, huh? This man went from being an American hero to now sounding like a telemarketer selling a coup: [imitating Giuliani] ‘If you order now, I’ll throw in that chair Abraham Lincoln is sitting on.’” — TREVOR NOAH“And you know, this is another example of how historic President Trump really was. Any other time in U.S. history, if the president’s lawyer called someone, they would take that call. But when Trump’s vampire lawyer called people, everyone was, like, ‘Tell him I’m not here! Yeah, tell him I went camping and died!’” — TREVOR NOAH“Also, not that I’m encouraging it, because I’m not, but if you are going to try to overturn an election, maybe don’t leave voice mails? It’s a paper trail. Also it’s 2022 — text! Who leaves voice mails? You realize how thirsty you’re coming off? ‘Hey, it’s me again.’ Come on, Rudy, just hit ’em with a quick late-night ‘U Up? For subverting democracy? Eggplant emoji, red hat emoji, vampire emoji.’ Come on, Rudy, keep up with the times!” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Summer Solstice Edition)“Thank you for joining us on the first day of summer, which is wild. This is the day when both the sun and Jimmy Kimmel are said to be at their highest.” — SEAN HAYES, guest host of “Jimmy Kimmel Live”“Today is also known as the summer solstice, which is the longest day of the year, which is funny, because I thought the longest day of the year was the time I saw Steven Seagal do Shakespeare in the park.” — SEAN HAYES“Out of all the days in the year, this is the one where we get the most sunlight, so if you were still sad today, I hate to break to it you, but your seasonal depression is just regular depression.” — SEAN HAYES“Of course I’m in a good mood today. It’s the first day of summer. Seriously, I heard so many White Claws crack open today I thought the — I thought the cicadas were back.” — JIMMY FALLON“You could tell it’s summer. This morning, my Uber driver drove around with the top down and by the top, I mean his shirt.” — JIMMY FALLON“But yeah, summer is here, which means that you’ve got about a week until it’s pumpkin season at Starbucks.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, today is the summer solstice, which means it’s the longest day of the year. So if today felt extra long, you’re either in our hemisphere or you own Bitcoin.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingDulcé Sloan broke down the commercialization of Pride on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightDavid Sedaris will sit down with Stephen Colbert on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutGeorge Michael during his Faith World Tour in 1988. Michael Putland/Getty Images“George Michael: Freedom Uncut” details the singer’s life and career via interviews and previously unseen footage. More

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      Stephen Colbert Explains How His Staff Was Detained at U.S. Capitol

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      “The Capitol Police are much more cautious than they were, say, 18 months ago, and for a very good reason,” Colbert said. “If you don’t know what that reason is, I know what news network you watch.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Puppet ShowMembers of “The Late Show” production team were detained while filming near the U.S. Capitol last week. On Monday night’s show, Stephen Colbert explained how his staff was in Washington to shoot Triumph the Insult Comic Dog interviewing members of Congress about the Jan. 6 hearings (“He’s a bipartisan puppy. He’s so neutral, he’s neutered.”), and that they were all detained, processed and released.“A very unpleasant experience for my staff, a lot of paperwork for the Capitol Police, but a fairly simple story — until the next night, when a couple of ‘the TV people’ started claiming that my puppet squad had ‘committed insurrection at the U.S. Capitol building,’” Colbert said in Monday’s monologue.“This was first-degree puppetry; this was high jinks with intent to goof; misappropriation of an old ‘Conan’ bit.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The Capitol Police are much more cautious than they were, say, 18 months ago, and for a very good reason. If you don’t know what that reason is, I know what news network you watch.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, it’s predictable why these TV talkers are doing this — they want to talk about something other than the Jan. 6 hearings on the actual seditionist insurrection that led to the deaths of multiple people, and the injury of over 140 police officers. But drawing any equivalence between rioters storming our Capitol to prevent the counting of electoral ballots and a cigar-chomping toy dog is a shameful insult to the memory of everyone who died, and it obscenely trivializes the service and the courage the Capitol Police showed on that terrible day. But who knows? Maybe there was a vast conspiracy to overthrow the government of the United States with a rubber Rottweiler.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“After all, Thursday night, the night they were detained, was the 50th anniversary of the Watergate break-in. Are we supposed to believe that was a coincidence? Yes.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Joe Biden’s Bike Accident Edition)“The only thing falling faster is Bitcoin and Joe’s approval ratings.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I think we just found the new spokesperson for Life Alert.” — SEAN HAYES, guest hosting “Jimmy Kimmel Live”“Poor Biden — even his bike was like, ‘I’m sorry, but I can no longer support you.’” — JIMMY FALLON“If you want to see that clip again, it’s airing on a 24-hour loop on Fox News.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, it’s — it’s shocking. Not the fall, that Biden looks kind of good in bike shorts.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingKristen Bell teased a third “Frozen” film while on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightElliot Page, star of “The Umbrella Academy,” will appear on Tuesday’s “Late Night with Seth Meyers.”Also, Check This OutDrake’s “Honestly, Nevermind” is a clear pivot, an increasingly rare thing for a pop icon.Vivien Killilea/Getty Images “Honestly, Nevermind,” Drake’s seventh album, takes the rapper in a new direction — the dance floor. More

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      Trevor Noah Tricks His Audience Into Singing ‘Happy Birthday’ for Trump

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      After the boos ceased, Noah joked that “the haters can’t even give the poor man a day off.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Birthday WishesDonald Trump turned 76 on Tuesday, and Trevor Noah tricked his “Daily Show” audience into singing “Happy Birthday” to the former president before saying whom they were signing it for. After the boos ceased, he remarked that “the haters can’t even give the poor man a day off.”“All week long the Jan. 6 committee has been riding his ass just because he tried to overthrow the government. And now — and now — they’re even accusing him of fraud, just because he asked his supporters for money to set up an election defense fund and didn’t set up an election defense fund,” Noah said.“Former President Trump turned 76 today, so now he’s really asking everyone to stop the count.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, today was former President Donald Trump’s 76th birthday. Pretty impressive — 76 and he can still get an insurrection.” — SETH MEYERS“Trump took some of the money he said he’s going to use to fight election fraud and paid his son’s fiancée $60,000 for a two-minute introduction speech, which is such a scam, I don’t care what anyone says. That’s an even bigger scam than tai chi. Yeah, oh I’m sorry who are you going to fight, an army of slow butterflies?” — TREVOR NOAH“They also skimmed off over $200,000 for the former president’s hotels — and that was just Giuliani’s bar tab.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“During yesterday’s congressional hearing, it was revealed that Donald Trump Jr.’s fiancée, Kimberly Guilfoyle, was paid $60,000 to speak at the rally before the Capitol attack. Well, technically, $20,000 to speak and then $40,000 to please stop.” — SETH MEYERS“This does prove that Donald Trump is a proud feminist ally. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. Everyone’s always complaining women get paid less for more work, but Trump, no, he is doing everything to close the wage gap. He paid Kimberly Guilfoyle for two minutes’ work. He paid Stormy Daniels for two minutes’ of work. Yeah, Trump isn’t breaking the law, he is breaking the glass ceiling.” — TREVOR NOAH“So he duped $250 million from his most passionate supporters and then watched as they all go to prison while he sat in Mar-a-Lago double-fisting coconut shrimp. And these aren’t wealthy people. You can always tell when they’re wearing nothing but giveaway merch from the losing team.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“As much as people want to be angry at Donald Trump, I feel like this is one of the instances where he is the black light on America’s democracy. Because he didn’t invent this scam — politicians from every party use their campaign funds to enrich their friends, it’s just Trump does it so egregiously that everyone notices it. All politicians are, like, ‘Donate, it’s for the fund, but nobody looks where the money goes. Yeah, it’s just something you pay attention to because of how he does it. It’s the same way all of us have eaten a grape or two at the grocery store, but Trump’s the guy who walks into Whole Foods with a fork and knife, you know? He’s like [imitating Trump] ‘You guys have the best raw chicken. So good. So good.’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Punchiest Punchlines (Sobering Advice Edition)“Rudy Giuliani is firing back on reports from the Jan. 6 hearings that he was inebriated on election night. He tweeted, ‘I refused all alcohol that evening. My favorite drink … Diet Pepsi.’ So, just to be clear, Rudy’s defense is that he gave the dumbest, most unethical advice in the history of America while stone-cold sober, got it.” — JAMES CORDEN“It can be very hard to tell, because sometimes he’s drunk, and sometimes he’s pretending he’s not.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“What an endorsement that is. You just know the people at Pepsi were like ‘Uh, he must mean Diet Coke. He means Coca-Cola, right? You mean Coca-Cola? Any brand of cola, really, RC Cola, Shasta, maybe a generic grocery store brand cola.’“ — JAMES CORDEN“[imitating Giuliani ] I love Diet Pepsi, especially a robust, red Diet Pepsi, or, in the summer, a diet Pepsi rosé. I also enjoy boxed Diet Pepsi.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingDakota Johnson played a game of “Mad Lib Karaoke” with Jimmy Fallon on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightPhoebe Bridgers will perform on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutThe actor Cheech Marin.Carlos Jaramillo for The New York TimesThe personal art collection of the actor Cheech Marin now has a public home at the Cheech Marin Center for Chicano Art and Culture in Riverside, Calif. More