“Joe Biden has a Venmo account? How? The dude is, like, 150 years old,” Noah joked, saying he assumed Biden “paid for everything with silver dollars.”
Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
Venmo Joe
President Biden’s Venmo account was revealed last week after an adviser said in a New York Times article that the president had used the app to send money to his granddaughters. Reporters then found the account and the president’s contacts.
“OK, this is shocking. Joe Biden has a Venmo account? How? The dude is, like, 150 years old,” Trevor Noah joked on Monday, saying he had assumed that Biden “paid for everything with silver dollars.”
“I didn’t even know they had Venmo on rotary phones.” — TREVOR NOAH
“And, also, people, what does Joe Biden even need a Venmo account for? I mean, he’s the president of the United States. Who’s asking him to chip in for drinks at Brian’s birthday party? Like, if I’m the only one, I always thought anyone who commanded a drone army didn’t pay for anything.” — TREVOR NOAH
“It’s weird to hear about a politician using Venmo to pay teenagers for something other than sex, isn’t it?” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“And there are some interesting transactions they found. Joseph Biden paid Shoeless Gus for malarkey; paid Huck for fixin’ the doohickey; Lil’ Bee Bop, licorice whips; Sal’s Electronics, Victrola repair; Higginbotham’s Apothecary, one jar of tooth powder. And one more, I think — paid Angela Merkel: ‘Sorry for the weird hug.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“This is like finding out the pope wears V.R. goggles.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
Wingman Down
Seth Meyers and Stephen Colbert weighed in on the latest in the Matt Gaetz scandal, as the Florida congressman’s former wingman, Joel Greenberg, pleaded guilty to an array of crimes on Monday and agreed to cooperate with the ongoing investigation.
“It’s not illegal, but it does feel like once a man hits a certain age, they shouldn’t have or be a wingman. Fly solo, little bird, for you have wings of your own,” Meyers joked.
“Uh-oh, Gaetz is screwed, and this time he doesn’t have to Venmo anyone, because his old buddy Greenberg has now publicly admitted to paying women for commercial sex acts for himself and other men. Commercial sex acts makes it sound like there were sponsors, and nothing kills the mood like being midaction and having to stop for: ‘This coke-fueled orgy, brought to you by ZipRecruiter, the No. 1 resource for hiring talent, other than sliding into their DMs.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Yikes, I’d say Matt Gaetz should lay low for a while, but no matter how low he lays, you can still see the top of his head. He’d make a terrible Whac-a-Mole.” — SETH MEYERS
“Now, we don’t know what this means for Matt Gaetz yet, but he could be charged any minute. Just ask this actual plane banner someone flew over the courthouse today, reading, ‘Tick tock Matt Gaetz.’ Which is ironic, since TikTok is where he finds most of his dates.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Gaetz, for his part, doesn’t seem to get what all the fuss is about. On Saturday, he told a crowd of Republican activists, ‘I’m being falsely accused of exchanging money for naughty favors.’ Naughty favors? Spoken like a man who doesn’t really grasp the severity of having sex with a minor. That’s like Jeffrey Dahmer calling his cannibalism a ‘whoops-a-nibble.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (‘U.A.P.’ Edition)
“‘60 Minutes’ did a story last night in which they interviewed some very credible former Pentagon and military officials who had video and eyewitness accounts of objects that fly 13,000 miles per hour, drop 80,000 feet in less than a second, and go underwater. The government calls them ‘unidentified aerial phenomena.’ U.A.P., which, just like the Cardi B song.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“And they’ve known about this for a couple of years, but waited until now to talk about it because I guess, a couple of years ago, they would have been too embarrassed if the aliens said, ‘Take us to your leader.’ They’d be like, ‘Eh, not a great idea.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“OK, hold up: The Navy has had U.F.O. sightings every day for two years? Two years these aliens have been popping in and out, popping in but not doing anything? Those are the most passive aggressive alien invasion ever.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Oh, and by the way, if any of your aliens have been watching us recently, you do realize this is not how we normally roll, right? I want to clarify a few things for you, aliens: Humans don’t usually wear masks, OK? We don’t usually just talk to each other over the computer, and we don’t usually scratch our butts and then sniff it to make sure that it smells like butt. [lowering his voice] I know that we actually do that, but I don’t want us to look bad to aliens.” — TREVOR NOAH
The Bits Worth Watching
Pink played a game of “Misname That Song” with Jimmy Fallon on Monday’s “Tonight Show.”
What We’re Excited About on Tuesday Night
The “Black Monday” star Regina Hall will catch up with James Corden on Tuesday’s “Late Late Show.”
Also, Check This Out
Evan Peters shared what he knew and when he knew it about that shocking moment from this week’s “Mare of Easttown.”
Source: Television - nytimes.com
