“Seems generous until you remember that Biden can’t get anyone else in America to take them, right?” Noah said of the president’s plan to donate 500 million Covid-19 vaccine doses to 100 countries.
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Shots All Around
While in Britain on Thursday, President Biden announced that his administration would donate 500 million Covid-19 vaccine doses to countries in need.
Trevor Noah said Biden’s plan “seems generous until you remember that Biden can’t get anyone else in America to take them, right? So it’s kind of like giving your friend that old exercise bike that you’ve just been hanging your clothes on.”
“And let me be the first to say on behalf of the international community: Thank you to all the anti-vaxxers in America. The people of the world would not have these vaccines if it wasn’t for your commitment to believing whatever the dumbest guy from your middle school posted on Facebook. You guys are the real heroes.” — TREVOR NOAH
“This is based on an old American foreign-policy strategy that used to be called ‘being nice.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“A senior official said that the donations will be focused in the places that currently need vaccines most — developing areas like Haiti, Indonesia, Alabama, et cetera.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“I have an idea for this. You know, I think when someone in another country gets one of our doses, they should be told whose vaccine they got. Like, ‘Oh, this Johnson & Johnson was supposed to go to a retired elementary schoolteacher in Florida, but she read on Facebook it was made from demon sperm, so now it’s yours.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“OK, Biden just proved he’s Irish. He’s on vacation, he’s feelin’ good, and he’s buying shots for everybody.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (Atlantic Charter Edition)
“People are also traveling again. For instance, one senior tourist is seeing the sights of Europe. I’m talking, of course, about Joe Biden. He was in the U.K. today, meeting British prime minister and real boy who wished to be a scarecrow Boris Johnson.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“It could have been awkward, considering that, during the election, Biden called Johnson a ‘physical and emotional clone’ of our last president. OK, that’s not fair — he’s really more of a vestigial twin.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Yeah, at first, Biden didn’t even recognize Johnson. He thought he was a hung-over Weasley brother.” — JIMMY FALLON
“But the leaders got past it and announced what is being billed as a renewal of the Atlantic Charter. Aw, they’re renewing their vows: ‘It’s going to be a small ceremony on the beaches of Normandy, only our closest allies; please R.S.V.P. soon, and let us know whether you want chicken, fish or the lingering ravages of colonialism.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Atlantic Charter sounds like a fish I’d pretend I’d heard of. Do you know what I mean? At a fancy restaurant: ‘What’s the catch of the day? Oh, I love Atlantic Charter.’” — JAMES CORDEN
“And both sides got some concessions, right? The U.K. agreed to limit the number of royal refugees that they’ll send to the U.S., and in exchange, the U.S. agreed to start putting the letter ‘u’ back into words again. Plus, the U.K. will produce more Harry Styleses, and the U.S. will start calling soccer ‘football’ and football ‘brain ouchy time.’ Everybody wins.” — TREVOR NOAH
The Bits Worth Watching
Stephen Colbert shared a special message of thanks with his staff, family and viewers ahead of his return to the Ed Sullivan Theater next Monday.
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Source: Television - nytimes.com