Late Night with Seth Meyers (TV Program)

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      Late Night Riffs on Biden’s Order to Release Oil Reserves

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      “For those who don’t know, the strategic reserve is a series of caverns filled with fossil fuel and strategically located inside Rudy Giuliani’s head,” Colbert joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Black Gold’President Biden announced that he would release 50 million barrels of oil from the strategic reserve in an effort to lower gas prices.“For those who don’t know, the strategic reserve is a series of caverns filled with fossil fuel and strategically located inside Rudy Giuliani’s head,” Stephen Colbert joked on Tuesday night.“This is great news for me. I was just thinking of getting my wife a barrel of oil for Christmas.” — JAMES CORDEN“According to the president, this is the largest release from the reserve in U.S. history. And in response, a spokesman for the American Petroleum Institute released this statement: [Imitating an oil tycoon] ‘Oil! Black gold! Sweet dinosaur jelly! West Texas dirt milk, we’re rich! We’re richer than Jesus!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s not clear if this is gonna work. Energy experts have consistently said such a release would do little to lower prices at the pump. It’s also not the best look right after you come back from a climate conference: ‘We must end our addiction to fossil fuels. What’s that? Gas is $3.50 a gallon? Let the rivers be choked with crude oil and the carcasses of pelicans!’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Man in Nantucket Edition)“President Biden traveled to Nantucket today for Thanksgiving, but only after Jill made him swear on the Bible: No limericks.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s how bad Thanksgiving traffic is — even the president has to leave two days early.” — JIMMY FALLON“Reminds me of the famous ‘There once was a man in Nantucket, whose poll numbers really did suck it.’ At least he is not that orange Pol Pot who ate all his meals from a bucket.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I have a feeling Biden’s the only person who says, ‘I once knew a man from Nantucket,’ and then tells an actual story about that man.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, once Biden left for Thanksgiving the Secret Service was like, ‘Human tryptophan is on the move.’” — JIMMY FALLON“When Biden asked Obama if Martha’s Vineyard would be nice for Thanksgiving, Obama was like, ‘Uh, you should check out Nantucket.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Kimmel challenged viewers to share the weirdest thing in their mother’s house, inspired by the mom of one of his band members who collects clown figurines.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightAndy Samberg will catch up with his friend Seth Meyers on Wednesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutLady Gaga and Adam Driver in “House of Gucci.”Fabio Lovino/MGMRidley Scott’s “House of Gucci” mostly consists of “Guccis yelling at other Guccis.” More

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      Late Night Celebrates Biden’s 79th Birthday

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      Jimmy Fallon joked that when the president blew out his candles, “everyone started clapping and the lights went on and off.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Happy Birthday, Mr. PresidentLate Night belatedly celebrated President Biden’s 79th birthday, which took place over the weekend.“Biden spent his birthday in Wilmington, Delaware, and went to a 5 o’clock Mass. Man, does this guy know how to party or what?” Jimmy Fallon said on Monday night. “I mean, even Mike Pence was like, ‘Ever heard of Chuck E. Cheese?’”“Democrats call it a happy occasion, and Republicans call it proof that inflation is out of control.” — SETH MEYERS“To give you perspective on how old that is, Bill Clinton — remember him? The guy who was president almost 30 years ago? — he’s 75 now.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But you can tell Biden’s 79 because, when he blew out his candles, everyone started clapping and the lights went on and off.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Healthy and Vigorous Male Edition)“Biden kicked off his birthday weekend with a colonoscopy. Doctors said there were no traces of malarkey. Everything looked good, or everything looked as good as the inside of an elderly man’s butt can look.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“White House physician Dr. Kevin O’Connor says Joe Biden is a ‘healthy and vigorous male.’ ‘Vigorous.’ Why does every presidential checkup sound like a Cialis ad? I mean we need them to run the country, not impregnate our women.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Glad he’s healthy, of course. Kind of hoping they’d find that he has that Benjamin Button disease — he’s actually getting younger every day.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Personally, I’m grateful that on Friday, history was made because Joe Biden temporarily transferred power to Vice President Kamala Harris while undergoing a routine colonoscopy, making Harris the first woman to assume presidential power. Yes, 100 years after women got the right to vote, we finally got the first female president on a technicality.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden makes the case for why massages are strange for people in committed relationships on Monday’s “Late Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightLady Gaga and Tony Bennett will appear on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutAlva SkogTorrey Peters’s “Detransition, Baby” and Kiese Laymon’s “How to Slowly Kill Yourself and Others in America” are among the 100 Notable Books of 2021. More

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      Late Night Takes on the U.S.-Mexico-Canada BBQ, or Summit

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      “I think it’s nice that we’re friendly with our neighbors again,” Kimmel said of Biden’s meeting with leaders of Canada and Mexico.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Gang’s All HerePresident Biden met with Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of Canada and President Andrés Manuel López Obrador of Mexico at the White House on Thursday to talk trade and other issues — in the return of meetings after a five-year hiatus during the Trump administration.“This is a traditional thing. It hasn’t been held since 2016 because — guess why?” Jimmy Kimmel said on Thursday night.“That’s right, when Trump was president, the regular meeting between the three leaders never happened. Now that it’s back, it’d be wild if the Mexican president was like, ‘Oh, and here’s a check for that wall.’” — JIMMY FALLON“I wish I could have seen Trump’s face when he found out Biden met with the president of Mexico at the White House. You know he was like: ‘Impossible! How’d he get through my wall? This doesn’t make any sense!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I think it’s nice that we’re friendly with our neighbors again. It’s like America’s abusive ex-boyfriend moved out, and we’re finally getting invited back to the barbecues in the neighborhood.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, the leaders spent time talking about immigration. Biden complained about the number of Mexicans coming to America; Trudeau complained about the number of Americans coming to Canada.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yep, basically, Mexico and Canada heard all of America blasting Adele and wanted to check in on us.” — JIMMY FALLON“They called it the ‘Three Amigos Summit,’ which is still better than what Biden wanted to call it, which was ‘Meeting La Vida Loca.’” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (Lose-Lose Situation Edition)“Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers isn’t the only N.F.L. quarterback who’s been holding out. Joe Flacco, of the New York Jets, revealed that he, too, is unvaccinated. Flacco told the media he doesn’t want to get into his reasoning because it would be a distraction to the team, and the most important thing is to focus on going out there and losing football games right now.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, the main difference between this and the Aaron Rodgers story is Aaron Rodgers led everyone to believe he was vaccinated, and, also, no one cares about Joe Flacco.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“New York Jets quarterback Joe Flacco announced at a press conference yesterday that he is not vaccinated against the coronavirus and said that he ‘has his reasons.’ I mean, he’s a backup quarterback on the Jets — I assume his reason is that he’s ready to die.”— SETH MEYERS“That’s right, New York Jets quarterback Joe Flacco announced he’s not vaccinated against the coronavirus. But don’t worry about his teammates — it’s rare for the Jets to catch anything.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingJeff Goldblum sat down with Desus and Mero, and the actor ended up asking most of the questions.Also, Check This OutAlanis Morissette is the subject of the documentary “Jagged.”HBO/Music Box“Jagged” documents Alanis Morissette’s rise to fame with her hit 1995 album, “Jagged Little Pill.” More

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      Late Night Celebrates the QAnon Shaman’s 41-Month Prison Sentence

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      “That’s nearly three and a half years, so with good behavior, he could be out in time to storm the Capitol in 2024,” Stephen Colbert joked on Wednesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.ShamanticsJacob Chansley, better known as the QAnon Shaman, was sentenced to 41 months for his role in the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol.“That’s nearly three and a half years, so with good behavior, he could be out in time to storm the Capitol in 2024,” Stephen Colbert joked on Wednesday night.“He apologized for storming the Capitol and said he often looks in the mirror and tells himself, ‘You really messed up, royally.’ Maybe if he’d taken a look in the mirror sooner, he would have noticed he had a dead raccoon on his head.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Not only did Chansley commit the crime of looking like an idiot — he is one.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Right now, he’s trying to use an antler to lift the keys off a guard’s belt.” — JIMMY FALLON“Apparently, it’s hard to find a jury of his peers the same day there’s a Renaissance fair.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Crypto Edition)“Starting Christmas Day, Staples Center will be known as Crypto.com Arena, which doesn’t sound creepy at all.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Crypto, the most confusing thing a venue has been named since Houston’s The Plot of ‘Inception’ Stadium.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But a lot of people around here don’t like the new name at all. You know you’re in a weird spot when fans are like, ‘We have to go back to when it was named after an office supply chain!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s a bad name, but thankfully, Crypto.com still isn’t the worst-named arena in sports. That honor belongs to the New Orleans Pelicans’ Smoothie King Center.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“So, look for the Lakers to be up by 20, then back down by 40, then up by 10,000, then back to zero.” — SETH MEYERS“Generations of fans have grown up with the Staples Center. For my younger viewers, that name refers to the Staples office supply company. An office is something you used to go to for meetings, which are like very boring in-person emails. Oh, emails are long texts with more words, and words are faceless emojis that remind you you’re a relic of the past and the future no longer belongs to you. Go Cryptos!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s not like Staples is a sacred name from the ancestors — it’s a store where you buy 50 packs of binders even though you only need one.” — TREVOR NOAH“True story, we almost called our youngest daughter Crypto.com. Crypto.com Corden. Crypto.com Jennifer Corden.” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingDulcé Sloan looked into the history of historically Black college and university marching bands on Wednesday’s “The Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightHalle Berry will appear on Thursday’s “Daily Show” to promote her new film, “Bruised.”Also, Check This OutAdele’s “30,” due Friday, is the follow-up to her blockbuster “25,” an album that sold nearly 3.4 million copies in a single week in the United States. Getty ImagesAdele’s first new album in six years faces a changing music industry, but she’s always been an exception to the rule. More

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      Late Night Shares Juicy Passages From 'Betrayal'

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      Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers reported some of the most interesting items from Jonathan Karl’s new book.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Best of ‘Betrayal’Jonathan Karl’s “Betrayal” was published on Tuesday, and late night shared a few of that book’s juicier items regarding former President Trump and Jan. 6, including some tidbits about Michael Flynn and his call for the military to stop Joe Biden from taking office.“Remember, this was a former general making a call to the military demanding they support a fascist coup. What is wrong with him? It’s 2021 — just text!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“According to a new book, former Acting Defense Secretary Christopher Miller purposely offered, then presented, Trump extreme military scenarios in the final week of his presidency to prevent him from choosing to attack Iran. Unfortunately, he opted for the craziest one — attacking the U.S.” — SETH MEYERS“After the election, [Sidney] Powell contacted a Pentagon official to push the claim that the C.I.A. director had been hurt and taken into custody in Germany while ‘on a secret mission to destroy evidence of voter fraud on a computer server that belonged to a company named Scytl.’ Where did Powell get this urgent news? From a false conspiracy theory that had been gaining steam among QAnon followers. Oh, yeah, that theory is definitely steaming.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Antique Roadshow Edition)“Yesterday, President Biden signed his bipartisan infrastructure bill into law, and to tell everyone about it today, he kicked off a road show to showcase the benefits of the bill. It’s like ‘The Antiques Road Show’ if the road was the antique.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And, guys, why do they have to sign the bill in public? I mean, I know this is important legislation, but as a spectator sport, it’s pretty boring. Where’s the drama? ‘Ooh, maybe the pen will run out of ink!’” — TREVOR NOAH“Also, why are they even having a bill-signing celebration? Passing laws is their job. Nobody else gets to do that at their job. Like, after you make photocopies for your boss at the office, you don’t get to pose for pictures while shaking hands: [imitating boss] ‘I didn’t think you could get it double-sided. Well done, Billy, well done.’” — TREVOR NOAH“During the signing ceremony yesterday for the bipartisan infrastructure bill, President Biden twice referred to Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema as ‘Kristen.’ And that’s the worst thing you can call her besides a Democrat — she hates that.” — SETH MEYERSThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon showed off pets that pack suitcases and chug beers better than he can.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightAdam Driver, a “House of Gucci” star, will appear on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutLisa Law/Apple TV+ Todd Haynes’s “The Velvet Underground” is a deep dive on the New York demimonde that birthed the band, and also a reflection on the cinema and art of the day. More

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      Seth Meyers: Steve Bannon Fancies Himself to Be Logan Roy

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      Meyers said Bannon was more like “a coked-up flunky who would get hired to help cousin Greg shred some documents and accidentally screw it up.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.More Like Cousin SteveSteve Bannon turned himself in to the F.B.I. on Monday morning after refusing to provide information related to the events of Jan. 6. Bannon made a statement in which he referred to himself as “Captain Bannon” and promoted his political podcast.Seth Meyers, referring to the hit HBO series “Succession,” joked that Bannon “definitely likes to think of himself as a Logan Roy type, but he’s more like a coked-up flunky who would get hired to help cousin Greg shred some documents and accidentally screw it up.”“Right now, a congressional committee is trying to determine if President Trump and allies were involved in the violent attempt to overturn the election, and one of the people they most want to hear from is Steve Bannon, former Trump adviser and the only person who maybe should try horse dewormer. I mean, it couldn’t hurt.” — TREVOR NOAH“Steve Bannon might finally face justice and, if he goes to prison, take a shower.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Bannon was indicted Friday on two charges of criminal contempt after he refused to show up for a deposition ordered by the House Jan. 6 committee. When he turned himself in, the F.B.I. were like, ‘Oh, really, do we have to? We have to take him?’” — JAMES CORDEN“And like any innocent person, Trump told his people not to cooperate with law enforcement at all. So Bannon defied a congressional subpoena to testify, and this morning, he turned himself in, arriving at an F.B.I. office looking like he’d already served 10 years in prison.” — TREVOR NOAH“Also, it really undercuts your attempt at defiance and bravado when there’s a guy right behind you holding up a sign that says ‘Coup plotter.’” — SETH MEYERS“Steve, did you hear what he said about you the second it was convenient? Respect yourself and move on!” — STEPHEN COLBERT, on Trump’s disparaging comments about Bannon“Bannon, though, already has a plan if he does get sent to prison. His first day there he is just going to go up to the biggest, meanest, worst guy in the entire yard and help him get elected president in 2024.” — JAMES CORDENThe Punchiest Punchlines (The P Word Edition)“Wow, Trump is gangster. [imitating Trump] ‘Why would I dispute it? The guy is a total [expletive] — why would I dispute it?’” — TREVOR NOAH, on Trump’s refusal to dispute that he told Mike Pence he “could be a patriot or he could be a [expletive]” on the morning of Jan. 6“Well, we all know the word for someone who does exactly what their bully tells them to do: patriot.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You know what I love about Trump is that even if he didn’t say it, he’s the type of guy that would pretend he said it just because it sounded cool. [imitating Trump] ‘Yeah, yeah, that’s a good line. I totally said it, I said it. Patriot or [expletive], I love it.’” — TREVOR NOAH“Also, I love how the reporter says, ‘Excuse my language; excuse my language, sir,’ as if Donald Trump is going to be offended. My man, it’s Donald Trump — if anything, he would be like, [imitating Trump] ‘[Expletive], my favorite topic. Thank you for bringing this up, let’s talk about it.” — TREVOR NOAH“Sometimes it’s good to be a [expletive]. Oftentimes history is made by [expletive]. I mean Gandhi? total [expletive]. Yes. Britain was, like, ‘Are you going to fight us or are you a [expletive]? And Gandhi said, ‘I am a [expletive]. You must be the [expletive] you wish to see in the world — that is what we need more of.’” — TREVOR NOAH“What if he tried to grab Mike Pence by the patriot?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Mike Pence now claims he has no problems at all with his former boss, so I guess Trump was right.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingBill Murray, Dan Aykroyd and Ernie Hudson talked with Jimmy Fallon on Monday’s “Tonight Show” about reuniting for the newest movie in the “Ghostbusters” franchise.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe retired N.B.A. star Dwyane Wade will talk about his new memoir on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutIn “The Sex Lives of College Girls,” Alyah Chanelle Scott, Pauline Chalamet and Amrit Kaur play three suite mates from diverse backgrounds at a prestigious university.HBOMindy Kaling’s new HBO Max series, “The Sex Lives of College Girls,” treats undergraduate intimacy with the friendly skepticism it deserves. More

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      Stephen Colbert Is Tickled by a Judge’s Takedown of Trump

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      “I haven’t seen such a brutal attack on an elected official since Jan. 6,” Colbert said on Wednesday night.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Motion DeniedA judge ruled this week that Donald J. Trump can’t prevent the release of files related to the Capitol attack, saying of Trump that “presidents are not kings, and plaintiff is not president.”“Damn! I have not seen such a brutal attack on an elected official since Jan. 6,” Stephen Colbert said.“The last time Trump got a spanking like that was with a copy of Forbes magazine by Stormy Daniels.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That is the worst denial for the former president since any time he tried to hold his wife’s hand.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now Trump’s legal team is going to have to figure out what to obstruct next. At this point Trump’s lawyers are, like, the losingest team in history, of any team ever. More than the Clippers. More than the Lions. More than the Washington Generals. And the Globetrotters beat them, like, 5,000 games in a row.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You think anyone ever took notes in a meeting with Trump? When they finally subpoena those notepads, they’re just going to be filled with random doodles and inscrutable comments like, ‘Ingest bleach maybe?’” — SETH MEYERS“And there’s no way Trump himself ever wrote anything down. He never even wrote any of his own books. They were ghostwritten, which I’m sure Trump took literally. [imitating Trump] ‘I didn’t write it — a ghost did, and I was pretty disappointed when I met the ghost. They said, ‘Donald, we’re getting you a ghostwriter,’ and I was hoping for a Slimer or, even better, a Patrick Swayze.” — SETH MEYERSHigh Price to PayInflation in America has reached a 30-year high. On “The Daily Show,” Trevor Noah looked for a silver lining.“The only good part of inflation — I was always jealous of those old guys who would go, like, ‘Back in my day, you could buy a house with a dollar!’ It looks like now if inflation gets bad enough, we’ll get to be those old guys: ‘Oh, yeah? Back in my day, a million dollars could buy a whole lot more than just a haircut!’” — TREVOR NOAH“I feel like a million bucks, and that’s not nearly enough, because everything is getting so expensive.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“All your favorite stuff is more expensive. Prices have gone up for autos, energy, furniture, rent and medical care. That is terrible! One of my favorite things is being mobile, warm, comfortable, dry and alive.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This is a big danger to Biden politically, because inflation is the one economic concept that normal people actually care about. Like, the debt ceiling, the Federal Reserve, derivatives — that’s all just [expletive] we pretend to understand: [mocking] ‘The debt ceiling, the debt ceiling.’ But when you hear inflation is rising, you know it means you’re about to be a broke [expletive].” — TREVOR NOAH“OK, how much more bad news is Biden going to get? At the end of the month, we’re going to find out the turkey he pardoned was at the Capitol on Jan. 6.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines ($33.80 Edition)“Yesterday, the N.F.L. fined Rodgers and the Packers for violating Covid-19 protocols. Phew. Now that Covid protocols are being enforced, we can get back to safely enjoying the beautiful game of 300-pound men crushing each other’s spines like a sleeve of Ritz crackers.” — STEPHEN COLBERT on the Green Bay Packers and their quarterback Aaron Rodgers“Rodgers attended a Halloween party despite being unvaccinated, for which the N.F.L. fined him $14,650. Which sounds like a lot of money, but it’s the equivalent of fining an average American $33.80 — or one beer at a Packers game.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Just to put that in perspective, CeeDee Lamb of the Cowboys was fined more than $15,000 for having an untucked jersey. So once again, the league’s priorities are in perfect order.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee celebrated the passing of the infrastructure bill on Wednesday’s “Full Frontal.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightTaylor Swift will perform on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutDaniel Kaluuya in Jordan Peele’s “Get Out.” Universal Pictures/courtesy of Everett CollectionFrom “Get Out” to the recent “Candyman” sequel, Black horror has become America’s most powerful cinematic genre. More

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      Late Night Goes After Ted Cruz for Going After Big Bird

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      Jimmy Kimmel said conservatives like Ted Cruz have some bizarre beliefs: “The elections are rigged, the deep state runs the world, and Big Bird is working for Merck now.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Birds of a FeatherLate night couldn’t get enough of Ted Cruz claiming Big Bird was spreading “government propaganda for your 5-year-old” over the weekend. Cruz angrily shared his response in a retweet of Big Bird’s announcement about receiving a Covid vaccine.Jimmy Kimmel said conservatives like Cruz truly believe sentiments like the one he shared: “The elections are rigged, the deep state runs the world, and Big Bird is working for Merck now.”“All right, first of all, Ted Cruz, you need to calm down. Five-year-olds aren’t even seeing Big Bird’s tweet. Five-year-olds aren’t even on Twitter — they’re on TikTok.” — TREVOR NOAH“This is the craziest anti-vax Muppet outrage since they claimed Pfizer gave the Swedish Chef giant meatballs.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And it’s interesting because not only is Ted Cruz vaccinated himself, Ted Cruz was born with an immunity that protects him from contracting any friends.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I’m surprised Cruz is at odds with Big Bird here. They have so much in common: When it gets cold, they both fly south.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Ted Cruz has it in for ‘Sesame Street’ because he’s constantly getting mistaken for the Count.” — JAMES CORDEN“I have to admit it’s a tough one. I mean, who are you siding with, the beloved and iconic children’s character widely celebrated over a half a century by people of all ages and backgrounds from all parts of the world, or a widely disliked wannabe werewolf with the charm of a serial killer and the voice of a dying barn owl who was once called ‘Lucifer in the flesh’ by one of his fellow Republicans after another fellow Republican joked he was so unpopular you could murder him and get away with it.” — SETH MEYERS“It’s a big day, actually, for Big Bird because immediately after getting vaccinated, he was signed by the Green Bay Packers.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Spotty Defense Edition)“The pope of Green Bay is quarterback Aaron Rodgers. He’s been playing some very spotty defense this weekend.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He said he tested negative over 300 times before testing positive, which is the same kind of logic your 95-year-old grandmother uses to justify keeping her driver’s license.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“So Rodgers basically says that he’s an independent thinker who doesn’t want to be told what to do with his body. And I don’t know, you ever notice how all the independent thinkers are doing the exact same thing? Right? It’s not like they’re all coming up with different ideas, like, ‘I’m an independent thinker, what are my thoughts, Joe Rogan? Tell me about my independent thoughts!” — TREVOR NOAH“But you can tell how politics has just infected the entire vaccine debate, right, because you’ll never see Aaron Rodgers doing this to anything else. He’s never applying independent thinking to the rest of his body. Like just once I’d love to see him out there on the field, like, ‘Forget pads and helmets, I’ve decided to cover myself in manuka honey.’” — TREVOR NOAH“How does someone who almost hosted ‘Jeopardy’ come up with 40 incorrect responses in a row?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“A lot of people are also comparing Aaron Rodgers to Kyrie Irving, and that’s not fair. Kyrie Irving is wrong, but at least he’s honest. I mean, Aaron Rodgers let everyone around him think he was vaccinated when he wasn’t. He’s not Kyrie Irving, he’s Bernie Madoff.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But there are real victims here. And yes, I’m talking about those of us who play fantasy sports. Because it used to be when you drafted players you only had to take into account their injury history or their team’s off-season moves. Now — now you’ve got to be like, ‘OK, what are the chances that this player gets his news from Facebook?’” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingTrevor Noah talked with the “Daily Show” guest Spike Lee about his new career-spanning book, “SPIKE.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightSarah Silverman will catch up with Seth Meyers on Tuesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutViolah Beauvais, left, and Kiawentiio in a scene from Tracey Deer’s film “Beans.”Sebastien Raymond/FilmriseTracey Deer’s film “Beans” is based on her experiences during the 1990 Oka crisis, a confrontation between the Mohawk people and the government. More