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      Stephen Colbert Is Surprised by Luigi Mangione’s ‘Minifesto’

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      “He could’ve just made it a Yelp review: ‘American health care sucks. One star,’” Colbert said of the content of a notebook found with the crime suspect.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Rest Is Still UnwrittenLaw enforcement officials said they recovered a notebook from Luigi Mangione after he was arrested on Monday at a McDonald’s in Altoona, Pa., in connection with the killing of the chief executive of United Healthcare, Brian Thompson. Officers said the notebook included detailed plans for the shooting last week.On Wednesday, Stephen Colbert expressed surprise over the brevity of the note’s 262 words. “That’s not a manifesto — that’s a ‘minifesto,’” Colbert said.“He could’ve just made it a Yelp review: ‘American health care sucks. One star.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The document basically rails against the health care industry and ends with, ‘I do apologize for any strife or traumas, but it had to be done.’ Well, at least he apologized. Reminds me of what Manson said after his murders: ‘Whoops, my bad!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s so crazy to think that Donald Trump working the French fry machine was only the second-weirdest thing to happen at a McDonald’s in Pennsylvania this year.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Police in Altoona report that they’ve been getting threats from Mangione’s fans, demanding he be released immediately. You know, I’ve been on TV just about nonstop for 29 years. This guy’s been in the news since Monday. He has fans threatening the police? Why do I feel like if I shot somebody, even my mother would be like, ‘Lock him up, teach him a lesson! It’s the only way he’s going to learn!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“OK, ‘I don’t really know what I’m talking about’ is a surprising thing to put in a manifesto. This is the first murder manifesto I’ve read that could have ended with ‘But no worries if not!’” — MICHAEL KOSTA“You never see the Taliban like, ‘Death to America, although we’re not experts, so, grain of salt.’” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Mangione has now been charged with second-degree murder, but he’s not pleading guilty, and he’s fighting attempts to extradite him to New York. Well, that makes sense — no one wants to be extradited to New York during the holidays. You’ve got to wait in a two-hour line just to be cavity searched at the M&M store.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Two More Weeks Until Christmas Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel: America’s ‘Going Nuts’ Over a Murder Suspect’s Abs

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      Kimmel applauded people for “moving away from nonstop election coverage” to instead obsess over the looks of Luigi Mangione, who was charged with killing a C.E.O.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Time’s sexiest’On Monday, Luigi Mangione was arrested and charged with the murder of Brian Thompson, the chief executive of UnitedHealthcare.Late night hosts commented Tuesday about the attention over Mangione’s looks, with Jimmy Kimmel calling him “Time’s sexiest alleged murderer of the year” and “the hottest coldblooded killer in America.”“I’m not sure what this says about us, but ever since these photos of him came out from his holding cell, from his mug shot — someone found his abs somewhere online.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Ryan Murphy right now is flying to Netflix headquarters in a jetpack.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“So many women and so many men are going nuts over how good-looking this killer is. And there’s a huge wave of horny washing over us right now.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“My question is, is he really even that hot? I mean, take away the hair, and the abs, the face, the arms, that easy smile, the way his eyes light up — wait, I’m sorry, what were we talking about? Syria? What are we talking about? Oh, yeah, we’re talking about the guy with the incredible abs.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“But I have to say, it does feel kind of good — we’re moving away from nonstop election coverage and back to drooling over a coldblooded murderer’s eyebrows and abs. I think that might be progress. Maybe not, I don’t know.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (McFingered Edition)“For the last few days, there’s been a killer on the loose in America. Well, there’s actually tons of killers on the loose in America, but this one killed someone important, so they were really looking for him.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“The assassin’s name is Luigi Mangione? Did they find him hiding in a big pipe?” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Mangione has become something of an internet celebrity, and people are not thrilled with the Altoona McDonald’s employees who McFingered him. Several nasty Google reviews have been left of the Altoona location, including ‘They got rats behind the counter. Do not recommend,’ while many others simply left one-star reviews, citing bad service and so-called ‘snitches.’ You know what they say: Snitches get Filet-O-Fishes.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s surprising that he comes from such a privileged background. He’s not really the kind of guy you expect to become a murderer. I mean, I expect him to crash the housing market, but not kill a guy.” — MICHAEL KOSTAWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Says Pete Hegseth Cameos Could Be a Thing This Christmas

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      The late-night host wondered if the embattled pick for secretary of defense could end up appearing on the online platform in time for Christmas.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Bad BehaviorPresident-elect Trump’s pick for secretary of defense, Pete Hegseth, continues to face allegations of raucous behavior while working for Fox News.Jimmy Kimmel said that reports of excessive drinking by Hegseth and accusations of sexual misconduct have overshadowed that he is “not even remotely qualified to be secretary of defense — that, we’ve already forgotten about.”“Something tells me we might be able to get Pete Hegseth Cameo videos for Christmas this year.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The latest allegation is that at a 2016 ‘Fox & Friends’ Christmas party, Hegseth reportedly caused a disturbance, leading to a human resource department intervention. Ooh, human resource interventions are the worst: ‘Pete, when you drink, it makes me feel like the company is legally liable.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The H.R. talking-to clearly didn’t work, because soon after, Hegseth attended the wedding of a Fox News colleague, where he reportedly got so drunk that he struggled to stay upright in a men’s bathroom, and friends asked a producer who was there to get him a ride home. OK, finally! ‘Someone at Fox News who’s responsible,’ is what I would say if that sentence did not end with ‘So he could make it to the set by 6 a.m.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Biden’s Last Stand Edition)“Earlier tonight, they had the national Christmas tree lighting at the White House. Yeah. It was a fun night. When President Biden came out, all the kids were like, ‘Look, the Ghost of Christmas Past!’” — JIMMY FALLON“Not only did he light the tree this year, he gave it a pre-emptive pardon just in case it falls over on someone or gets all coked up and throws its gun in the dumpster. Who knows?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“They kept referring to it as ‘Biden’s final tree-lighting ceremony,’ which, when you’re his age, is probably not what you want to hear.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Meanwhile, during tonight’s ceremony, the winds were over 40 miles an hour. Yeah. Biden’s skin looked like when a bulldog sticks his head out of the car window.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingRonny Chieng caught up with Charles Yu, the creator and executive producer of Hulu’s “Interior Chinatown,” on Thursday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutAmy Adams channels her feral side in “Nightbitch,” directed by Marielle Heller.Searchlight PicturesAmy Adams stars as a mother who begins to believe she’s a dog in “Nightbitch,” Marielle Heller’s film adaptation of the Rachel Yoder novel. More

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      Late Night Weighs In on Pete Hegseth’s ‘Teetering’ Nomination Prospects

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      Hosts riff on Trump’s possible swap of his secretary of defense nominee amid excessive-drinking claims against Hegseth.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Sobering News’President-elect Donald Trump is said to be reconsidering his choice of Pete Hegseth for defense secretary after allegations emerged of the former Fox News host drinking excessively while on the job.On Wednesday’s “Daily Show,” Ronny Chieng wondered who could have seen this coming — “other than Matt Gaetz, Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani, Michael Cohen and everyone else Trump has ever come into contact with?”“Hey, anyone heard from Herman Cain lately? He’s dead — Google it.” — RONNY CHIENG“OK, before you judge — yes, his show starts at six in the morning, but he was still drinking from the night before, OK? So it’s not sad, it’s awesome.” — RONNY CHIENG“I mean, if Hegseth doesn’t get confirmed, this is really going to make people question Trump’s strategy of giving the most unemployable people on earth the hardest jobs that have ever existed.” — RONNY CHIENGThe Punchiest Punchlines (Plan D Edition)“Apparently, the reports of the drinky-drink are making Trump doing the thinky-think, because word is Trump’s support for Hegseth is teetering, much like Pete Hegseth at a staff meeting.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Instead, Trump is mulling replacing Hegseth with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. While DeSantis actually has some defense qualifications, the replacement isn’t a done deal, because some in Trump’s orbit strongly dislike Ron DeSantis. Wow, that is a weird way to find out I am in Trump’s orbit.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And if you’re wondering what qualifications Ron DeSantis has to run the Pentagon, you are correct to wonder that.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But at least Ron DeSantis is the governor of a state, and he does have military experience. He served in the navy as a JAG officer — he’s a real jag officer, this guy.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe actress Isabella Rossellini discussed the revival of her film “Death Becomes Her” as a Broadway musical while on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe “Saturday Night Live” alumna Kate McKinnon will appear on Thursday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutGetting notes from the fellow actor Jesse Eisenberg, his castmate and director, threw Kieran Culkin off at first: “Literally, my chest would pop out, and I’d clench my fist and be in a defensive stance.”Sam Hellmann for The New York TimesKieran Culkin is an awards season front-runner for his role in “A Real Pain,” but his favorite part to play is father to his two children. More

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      Jon Stewart Thinks Biden Could Have Timed That Pardon Better

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      “Normally, you drop a controversial pardon like the way you buy porn at a gas station: in a flurry of other distracting purchases,” the “Late Night” host said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Hypocrisy Isn’t Illegal’As Thanksgiving weekend drew to a close, President Biden issued a full and unconditional pardon for his son Hunter, despite having repeatedly pledged not to do so. It was the talk of late night on Monday.On “The Daily Show,” Jon Stewart questioned the president’s timing.“Normally, you drop a controversial pardon like the way you buy porn at a gas station: in a flurry of other distracting purchases.” — JON STEWART“Thanksgiving! I knew it! Perhaps I can explain the way this pardon went down in my new one-man show, ‘Can You Get Hunter to Stop Looking at Me Like That?’” — JON STEWART“He’s an 82-year-old man — he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life visiting his son in prison.” — JON STEWART“Hypocrisy isn’t illegal, nor is it particularly unusual in politics. It’s not like he’s ever going to run again, so why not take care of your kid, even if you said you weren’t going to? I respect it. I don’t have a problem with it. The problem is, the rest of the Democrats made Biden’s pledge to not pardon Hunter the foundation of their defense of America.” — JON STEWARTThe Punchiest Punchlines (World’s Greatest Dad Edition)“Yeah, it was a big shopping weekend, and millions of people got great deals, but nobody got a better deal than Hunter Biden.” — JIMMY FALLON“Christmas came early for this guy.” — TYRUS, guest host of “Gutfeld!”“The Biden presidency has now entered the ‘Grandpa doesn’t give a damn about what you think’ phase.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And, yes, Joe Biden did say he wasn’t going to pardon Hunter. But, to be fair, there’s a very good chance he doesn’t remember saying that.” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Can’t Believe Matt Gaetz Won’t Be Attorney General

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      Jimmy Kimmel said the scandal-ridden ex-congressman’s withdrawal was “exciting news for Judge Jeanine Pirro, who will be our next attorney general.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.A Distraction From the DistractionsMatt Gaetz, who was President-elect Donald J. Trump’s choice for attorney general despite allegations that he’d used drugs and had sex with a 17-year-old, withdrew his name from consideration on Thursday.Jimmy Kimmel said the ex-congressman from Florida had “crawled back under the rock of cocaine he scurried out from under.”“He said he decided to take his MAGA hat out of the ring because his nomination was becoming a distraction to the critical work of the Trump/Vance transition. Which is true: President-elect Trump should not be distracted from his critical work of creating other distractions.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Gaetz said he was honored that Trump nominated him, and he looks forward to spending more time posing as a high school senior on the Roblox Reddit page.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“See, the thing is, Trump did this wrong. He did it in the wrong order. First, you nominate Diddy for attorney general, then Matt Gaetz.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This Gaetz situation is a setback for Trump, but it’ll all be forgotten as soon as he nominates new surgeon general Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“All of this attention on this sex criminal was unfairly distracting from the critical work of all the other sex criminals who have been nominated.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And while this is sad news for Gaetz and his fans, it is potentially very exciting news for Judge Jeanine Pirro, who will be our next attorney general.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Poor Rudy Giuliani. He has to be on the twin bed in the office his son converted into a guest room right now, going, ‘What about me?’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Withdrawal Edition)“Former Florida congressman Matt Gaetz withdrew today as President-elect Trump’s nominee for attorney general. This puts a lot of pressure on Trump, because now there’s not much time to find somebody worse.” — SETH MEYERS“Matt Gaetz is out? But his nomination was only eight days old! Once again, he can’t even make it to 18.” — SETH MEYERS“If you’ve ever dreamed of being an attorney general, update your résumé, because they have an opening.” — DESI LYDICThe Bits Worth WatchingGwyneth Paltrow and DJ Khaled played a game of “True Confessions” on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutRachel Elizabeth Seed’s mother, Sheila Turner Seed, in “A Photographic Memory.”Capariva FilmsRachel Elizabeth Seed’s new documentary, “A Photographic Memory,” weaves meditations on memory and the nature of photography with a personal narrative about her mother, a photographer who died when she was 18 months old. More

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      Desi Lydic Says Trump is ‘Picking Mascots,’ Not Leaders

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      “The Daily Show” host said Trump could do worse than an “actual doctor” like Dr. Oz to lead the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services: “I’m impressed he didn’t pick Dr Pepper.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Paging Dr. Oz, Medicare MascotPresident-elect Donald Trump continued to roll out his cabinet selections this week, with Dr. Mehmet Oz being tapped to lead the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services.On Wednesday’s “The Daily Show,” the host Desi Lydic said, “It could be worse.”“At least Dr. Oz is an actual doctor. I’m impressed he didn’t pick Dr Pepper.” — DESI LYDIC“So far, he’s made a number of cabinet picks whose main qualification seems to be being on TV. His defense secretary is a guy from ‘Fox & Friends,’ his transportation secretary is a guy from Fox Business, and his attorney general is a guy who I’m pretty sure was on ‘To Catch a Predator.’” — DESI LYDIC“Wow, another daytime television guy. It’s like his whole cabinet was selected by a kid who was home sick with the flu.” — SETH MEYERS“But is someone going to tell him that this isn’t actually a doctor’s job? This is running a vast insurance bureaucracy. If you have to pick someone from TV, at least pick the LiMu Emu.”— DESI LYDIC“And you might be saying, ‘Relax, Dr. Oz doesn’t have to know what he’s doing — he’ll have people around him who do.’ Sure, except that Dr. Oz’s boss will be R.F.K. Jr.” — DESI LYDIC“There’s not going to be a layer of competent workers at some point. It’s just celebrities all the way down. Because Donald Trump isn’t really picking leaders of agencies — he’s just picking mascots.” — DESI LYDICThe Punchiest Punchlines (Happy Birthday, President Biden Edition)“President Biden today celebrated his 82nd birthday, and he marked the occasion the way many older men do, by fighting Jake Paul.” — SETH MEYERS“Happy birthday, Joe! We got you a cake, but Nancy Pelosi insisted you sacrifice it for the good of democracy.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“You could tell Biden is getting up there because they didn’t cut him a slice of cake — they puréed it and he drank it with a straw.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Is Appalled by Trump’s Mile-High McDonald’s Feast

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      The president-elect dined on his plane with some associates — including Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who hates fast food. Jimmy Kimmel called it a “subservience test.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Not-So-Happy MealOver the weekend, President-elect Donald Trump shared a photo from his private plane, showing him eating McDonald’s with Elon Musk, Donald Trump Jr. and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as Speaker Mike Johnson peeked into the frame.“Only Donald Trump would force his new health czar to eat McDonald’s,” Jimmy Kimmel said, referring to Kennedy. “That’s what he does, these are subservience tests.” “This is like the Last Supper, but everyone is Judas.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I love that they essentially hazed R.F.K. Jr., who rails against processed food and has called fast food poison, by not only making him eat McDonald’s but forcing him to take a picture while doing it.” — SETH MEYERS“You can tell it’s McDonald’s, because that is a grimace.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Look at R.F.K. Jr. He’s holding that McDonald’s the way you hold a bag of weed you found in your kid’s room.” — SETH MEYERS“That is the most powerful assemblage of junk food since the Yalta Conference party sub.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Look, I know Trump has been accused and found guilty of many crimes, but certainly none worse than ‘brings Filet-O-Fish on a plane.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT‘There’s No Monopoly on Stupid’On “Real Time,” Bill Maher chided Democrats for losing touch with the average American, saying the party had become “a ‘Portlandia’ sketch.”“Maybe take the clothespins off your noses and actually converse with the other half of the country. Stop screaming at people to get with the program and instead make a program worth getting with.” — BILL MAHER“You love to speak truth to power, and we always should, but you have completely lost the ability to speak truth to [expletive].” — BILL MAHER“You just lost a crazy contest to an actual crazy person.” — BILL MAHER“Even the one concession I’ve heard a few people on the losing side offer — that liberals should stop saying that Trump voters are stupid — comes with a kind of unspoken parentheses: ‘We know they are stupid, just don’t say it.’ Yeah, I got bad news for you: They don’t have a monopoly on stupid.” — BILL MAHERGreg Gutfeld had similar thoughts about the Democrats on Monday.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More