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      Late Night Savors What’s Left of Biden’s ‘Build Back Better’ Plan

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      Trevor Noah said the excision of family leave meant that “America will remain the only nation in the world where women try to give birth during their lunch break.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Built to ScaleLate-night hosts covered the latest in President Biden’s “Build Back Better” plan on Thursday, or what is left of it.“A lot of what was originally there is now gone,” Trevor Noah said. “Like free community college is out, and so is paid family and medical leave, which means America will remain the only nation in the world where women try to give birth during their lunch break.”“Oh, and Medicare won’t cover the cost of dental or vision care for seniors but it will cover hearing. Which makes sense. You know Biden made sure that that stayed in. When you got a president that whispers as much as he does, you’ve got to make sure people can at least hear him.” — TREVOR NOAH“But don’t worry, moms, you don’t have to go into work while you’re in labor — just Zoom in from the birthing room.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“President Biden met today with House Democrats to discuss his health care spending proposal in the infrastructure bill, which is now down to a 30-day trial for WebMD plus, and they’re going to paint some tunnels on a rock, like Wile E. Coyote.” — SETH MEYERS“The plan features subsidies for child care and universal preschool for more than six million 3- and 4-year-olds, to which parents everywhere replied, ‘But what about 2-year-olds who could pass for 3? Please — I can’t watch any more ‘Peppa Pig.’ My toddler has adopted an English accent, and won’t let me eat bacon.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It’s insane. Everyone deserves the right to be at home with their families and children. And besides, in my experience, the more time you spend with your kids, the more desperate you are to go back to work.” — SETH MEYERS“Free vision care for anyone with perfect 20/20 eyesight. A 1 percent tax hike on billionaires for each trip to outer space. Guaranteed child care for children ages 3 to 4, provided by children ages 5 to 6. For anyone who wants to attend community college, a free copy of ‘Community’ Season 1 on DVD. If anything falls off of a crumbling bridge or overpass and hits you, you get to keep it. For women who have just given birth, a big scoop of Turkey Hill’s Rocky Road ice cream. In lieu of paid leave, they added two more take-your-child-to-work days. Any 12 albums for just one penny. Student-loan forgiveness: You still have to pay it back, but we’ll forgive you for making the mistake of taking one out. Universal wealth care: one extra digit in each American’s Social Security number. Guaranteed pre-K for wacky adult children whose hotel-magnate fathers paid their way through elementary and high school but now would like to prove themselves as competent, functioning adults in order to take over the family business. You can use the bathroom if you asked nicely. Everyone is eligible to receive $1 million from a billionaire, in exchange for just one night with your wife. One free month of Tubi. They’ll throw a traffic cone next to the pothole on your street if you quit whining about it. And finally, a new houseboat for Joe Manchin.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Meta Edition)“Yeah, Facebook changed their name. In response, Spectrum was like, ‘We used to be Time Warner; people still hate us.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, ‘Meta,’ as in when I joined Facebook, I ‘Meta’ lot of crazy people.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, ‘Meta,’ as in your Aunt Gloria saying, ‘I Meta guy on Facebook who says the vaccine made his balls magnetic.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This feels like when there’s an E. coli outbreak at a pizza place and they just change the name from Sal and Tony’s to Tony and Sal’s. Same gross owners.” — JIMMY FALLON“Companies often change their name to help their image and since it’s up for grabs, Johnson & Johnson is now Facebook & Facebook.” — JIMMY FALLON“The company says, ‘The name Facebook is not going away, but from now on, we are going to be Metaverse first, not Facebook first.’ But don’t worry — the self esteem of teenage girls will always be last.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingDesus and Mero get to the bottom of why Black people love Dave Grohl, with guest Dave Grohl.Also, Check This OutAnya Taylor-Joy, left, and Thomasin McKenzie in “Last Night in Soho.”Parisa Taghizadeh/Focus FeaturesTwo young women from different eras form a psychic bond in Edgar Wright’s thriller “Last Night in Soho.” More

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      Late Night Supports Democrats’ Plan to Tax the Richest of the Rich

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      “So that includes Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady,” Jimmy Fallon joked of the billionaires’ tax.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Champagne ProblemsOn Wednesday, Senate Democrats introduced a tax proposal targeting America’s 700 richest people: billionaires.“So that includes Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady,” Jimmy Fallon joked.“It’s tough for billionaires. If you’d like to sponsor one, you can make a difference for just $34 million a day.” — JIMMY FALLON“You know cash is tight for billionaires when their flights in space have to lay over in Cleveland.” — JIMMY FALLON“But by this afternoon, Democrats scrapped the tax on billionaires and now they might tax millionaires instead. When they heard that, Kim and Kylie were like, ‘Yes!’ while Khloe, Kourtney and Kendall were like, ‘No.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Senator [Ron] Wyden wants to pay for the Biden agenda with something called the billionaires’ income tax. Now the details are a little complex. Let me try to explain it: Billionaires, there’s this thing called taxes, and you should pay any.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The proposal affects only people with a billion dollars in assets or those earning more than $100 million in income three years in a row. OK, here’s a simple way to see if it affects you: Take your spare super yacht to your third house that’s on the private island shaped like your own head; look in your garage. If there isn’t a spaceship in there, you’re fine.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Calling it a ‘billionaire income tax’ was smart branding by the Democrats, because Republicans are going to sound pretty out of touch if they oppose it, which they immediately did.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Shots for Kids Edition)“Last night, an F.D.A. panel gave the green light to the Pfizer vaccine for kids between the ages of 5 and 11. That’s right. That’s right, kids’ vaccines are the best way to prevent the two things parents fear the most: Covid and home-schooling.” — JIMMY FALLON“In a few weeks, you’re going to see bouncers outside Chuck E. Cheese checking vaccine cards.” — JIMMY FALLON“Hey, kids, guess who gets to go to the doctor twice in the space of three weeks? And, don’t worry, he will stab you!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Kids could get the shot as soon as next week. Great timing, right after they go door to door on Halloween.” — JIMMY FALLON“Now kids can forget about Covid and worrying about that and go to spreading every other disease known to man.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Here’s how the vaccine will work: Older kids can get Pfizer, younger kids can get Moderna, and the middle child can get Johnson & Johnson.” — JIMMY FALLON“Some parents said that they aren’t sure if they’re comfortable giving their kids the vaccine, then they went back to feeding them Dunkaroos for breakfast.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingSamantha Bee touched on the big business of death and funerals on this week’s “Full Frontal.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightJohn Leguizamo will catch up with Stephen Colbert on Thursday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutAbba in 1979; the band members’ digital avatars will be modeled on their looks from that year.Sobli/RDB and ullstein bild, via Getty ImagesAfter 40 years, Abba is releasing a new album, which all four original band members somehow made in secret. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Misses the Old Facebook

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      Kimmel reminisced about the days when the social media app was “just a safe place to lose your house in a pyramid scheme.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Angry Face EmojiOn Tuesday night, Jimmy Kimmel noted that Facebook hasn’t been getting a lot of likes lately, citing damning reports from inside the social media company.“I miss when Facebook was just a safe place to lose your house in a pyramid scheme,” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Tuesday.“This week is so bad for Facebook that Mark Zuckerberg was, like, ‘Facebook? No, that’s not me. That was started by the Winklevii.’” — TREVOR NOAH“I mentioned last night a trove of confidential internal documents were leaked to the press. The gist of them is that Facebook knew its technology was amplifying hate speech and misinformation. There was an internal memo written in 2019 that says, ‘We also have compelling evidence that our core product mechanics, such as vitality, recommendations, and optimizing for engagement, are a significant part of why these types of speech flourish on the platform.’ Their core product mechanics. That means hate and lies are baked directly into Facebook, like the cheese in a stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And another interesting detail is that Facebook engineers — they will prioritize the posts that get a lot of emoji reactions, including the anger emoji by 5-1 over just the regular like. The hate and the lies on Facebook — it’s like the nicotine in a cigarette: It’s not what you come for, but it’s why you stick around.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, that’s right, Facebook knew it was rewarding [expletive] posts as long as they generated an emotional response. And I’ll be honest, when I first heard about this, I was shocked because I couldn’t believe that Mark Zuckerberg knows what emotions are.” — TREVOR NOAH“Although it does make sense because in regular life, we all put more value on things that produce an emotional response in us. You know, it’s why Donald Trump became president and Jeb Bush works at a Quiznos now.” — TREVOR NOAH“Of course, everyone’s been talking about Facebook lately, and Mark Zuckerberg just announced that he’s ‘retooling’ the social media platform toward young adults and away from older users. Honestly, just make it a little harder to sign in, and you will never see an old person on Facebook.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Six Flags Edition)“I heard about a guy who bought a Six Flags annual pass. How about this deal: You get the Six Flags annual pass, right? That allows you to get unlimited food for $150. He’s eaten nearly all of his meals at Six Flags ever since. Of course, all the money he saved is now going to doctors to get his cholesterol down from 1,000.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, that dude fed himself for 50 cents a day. Genius! We should get him to fix all the world’s economies before he dies from gout.” — TREVOR NOAH“Right now the Democrats are struggling to figure out how to pay for health care. This guy — this guy would solve it. He’d probably just come in and be like, ‘All you have to do is go to the first-aid tent at Six Flags and tell them the roller coaster gave you lupus. Boom! Free health care.’” — TREVOR NOAH“And by the way, how are amusement parks both the cheapest and most expensive places on earth? Like, eat for a year: $150. A mouse pad with a picture of you on a roller coaster: $3,000. No in between!” — TREVOR NOAH“But I will say, man, props to this guy for gaming the system. This is the kind of [expletive] you can only get away with at Six Flags, you know, because they’re a chilled amusement park. If you tried this at Disney, oh man, Mickey wouldn’t mess around. He’d have you hanging by your thumbs in the castle dungeon.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Tuesday’s “Late Show,” Katie Couric shared the story of meeting her idol, Jane Pauley, for the first time.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightDan Levy will promote the book “Best Wishes, Warmest Regards: The Story of Schitt’s Creek” — which he co-wrote with his father, Eugene — on Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Understand the Facebook PapersCard 1 of 6A tech giant in trouble. More

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      Late Night Isn’t Threatened by Trump’s Latest Stunt

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      This week, Donald Trump said Republicans should not be voting in the 2022 or 2024 elections. “Wow, he’s been out of office so long, he’s forgotten how threats work,” Seth Meyers said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Is That a Threat?In a written statement this week, Donald J. Trump said Republicans would not be voting in the 2022 or 2024 elections.“Wow, he’s been out of office so long, he’s forgotten how threats work,” Seth Meyers said in his opening monologue Thursday.“That’s right, Trump is urging Republicans not to vote in the midterm elections unless the ‘fraud of the 2020 elections’ is uncovered, but for some reason, the thought of only Democrats voting still isn’t reassuring to me.” — SETH MEYERS“I do like that Trump is constantly making life difficult for Republicans who just want to use him to win power. Sorry, you guys bought a ticket on this train wreck, and now you can’t get off.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Election Fraud Edition)“In a new statement, former President Trump is suggesting that unless the issue of election fraud is addressed, Republicans should not vote in 2024. Democrats heard and were like, ‘Let’s get this guy back on Twitter.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Did Nancy Pelosi write this for him?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It seems like he’s telling Republicans not to vote. And of course, this brings up the age-old question, how do you solve a problem you made up?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Thursday’s “The Daily Show,” Trevor Noah looked into why no one wants a job anymore.Also, Check This OutBrian Cox in the new season of “Succession” premiering Sunday on HBO.Graeme Hunter/HBO“Succession” returns this Sunday for Season 3, in which the Roys resemble wealth more than they do real people. More

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      Seth Meyers Berates Fox News for Its Reporting on Vaccine Mandate

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      Meyers took Tucker Carlson to task for not “being certain” while reporting falsehoods.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.This Week in Fake NewsSeth Meyers tackled Southwest Airlines’ chaotic week on Wednesday night, scolding Fox News for reporting that its recent flight cancellations were caused by vaccine mandates. Meyers noted that Tucker Carlson admitted that he “couldn’t say for certain” that the mandate had caused the issue, but reported they were behind them, anyway.“You can’t say for certain? Well, then, please, by all means, put it on television. We all know that’s how journalism works. Who can forget the famous Woodward and Bernstein headline, ‘Did Nixon Do Watergate? Seems Like the Kind of Thing He’d Do, but Who Knows?” — SETH MEYERS“I’ll never tire of Tucker’s ‘just asking questions’ routine: [imitating Tucker Carlson] ‘Were these protests against Biden’s vaccine mandate? Did Joe Biden secretly replace all the real pilots with communist antifa woke-anistas, or were the delays caused because the flight attendants refused to give you a second bag of Biscoff cookies when you asked for one?’” — SETH MEYERS“American, Southwest, United, JetBlue, Alaska — most of the major airlines have mandates. The only big one that I know that doesn’t have it is Delta, which is nuts. If any airline should have a vaccine mandate, it’s the one named after the variant.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Shatner in Space Edition)“Blue Origin, the company founded by Jeff Bezos, prime-delivered their second group of civilian passengers into space and back today. And guess who’s in that rocket? T.J. Hooker himself, William Shatner.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Shatner’s the second old guy this month to risk his life in a tracksuit.” — JIMMY FALLON“But, yeah, oldest person ever to go to space, which is amazing. Like, I don’t know about you, but I love it when old people break records, you know? That is why so many people support Tom Brady. I mean, your grandpa can’t throw like that.” — TREVOR NOAH“I will say it is pretty cool that he gave an Amazon review about his trip to an actual Amazon guy. That is pretty cool. No one gets to tell Jeff Bezos about his products to his face.” — TREVOR NOAH“But he made it back alive, Bill did — thank God. Can you imagine if Jeff Bezos killed Captain Kirk?” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingRosario Dawson talked about her role in Hulu’s new drama series about OxyContin’s origin story, “Dopesick.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe “Impeachment” star Beanie Feldstein will appear on Thursday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutSelma Blair said that since she went public with her diagnosis, she’s been offered roles for aging or disabled characters: “I might be those things, but I’m still everything else I was before, and I shouldn’t be relegated to that.”Magdalena Wosinska for The New York TimesThe actress Selma Blair shares her story about living with multiple sclerosis in the new documentary “Introducing, Selma Blair.” More

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      Late Night Shames Moderna for Refusing to Share

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      “Imagine only making one thing and billions of people want it,” Jimmy Kimmel said. “This must be how the Baha Men felt after recording ‘Who Let the Dogs Out.’”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Sick BusinessModerna has come under fire for both refusing to share its Covid vaccine technology as well as denying vaccines to poor countries in desperate need.“The Covid vaccine is Moderna’s only product — it’s the only thing the company sells,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Tuesday. “Imagine only making one thing and billions of people want it. This must be how the Baha Men felt after recording ‘Who Let the Dogs Out,’ you know?”“Look, man, I get it — Moderna is a business and they want to make money themselves, but at least come up with a better excuse, you know, like the vaccine formula is an old family recipe.” — TREVOR NOAH“Apparently, it’s been passed down from generation to generation — just like Mama used to make.” — JIMMY FALLON“So on Saturday, The Times reported that Moderna ‘has been supplying its shots almost exclusively to wealthy nations, keeping the poorer countries waiting and earning billions of dollars in profit.’ I’m sure that’s just a coincidence, right? [Imitating Moderna spokesperson] ‘Guys! We’re doing it alphabetically: America, Australia, Britain, Canada, Denmark — it’s not our fault the rich countries come first. Zambia, Zimbabwe, we’ll get there eventually, hang in.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It is a shame that companies think about profit in a time like this when people are dying. But I get it — if they don’t make money doing it this time, they might not bother to work on a vaccine next time.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Offensive Coordinator Edition)“Last night, Las Vegas Raiders head coach Jon Gruden resigned after old emails came out showing his use of homophobic, racist and misogynistic language. Oh, Lord. Do you know how bad it’s got to be to get kicked out of Las Vegas? They’ve got no rules there.” — JIMMY FALLON“Usually if a coach is fired, the team was playing really, really badly, like the cheerleaders were rooting for the other team bad.” — TREVOR NOAH“The emails were so offensive, the Raiders almost made him offensive coordinator.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know you screwed up when you’re not fit to coach a team whose fans dress like actual demons.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know, the Raiders are known for being an unorthodox team, but this is the ugliest thing to come out of that organization since their owner’s haircut, which is saying something.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“So he, of course, apologized. He said he ‘never meant to hurt anybody,’ and that if he had known these emails were gonna be published in the newspaper, he definitely would not have written or sent them.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“In a statement, Gruden said: ‘I apologize. My 19,000 offensive emails are not who I am.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Goddamn, this dude hit everybody — Blacks, gays, women, protesters, brain-damage victims. It’s almost like he was competing in a cancellation decathlon.” — TREVOR NOAH“I mean, I can’t believe I have to say this but, people, people — you should not be writing racist emails. Just get up, walk over to your co-worker’s desk and say the N-word in person. It’s called human interaction, people.” — TREVOR NOAH“Besides his coaching job, Gruden also lost an endorsement deal with Skechers. Yup, Skechers said their deal with Gruden no longer made sense and then people were like, ‘Did it ever?’”— JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingAmber Ruffin detailed all that Trump has done for religion on Tuesday’s “Late Night With Seth Meyers.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe “Succession” star Sarah Snook will chat with Seth Meyers on Wednesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutThe characters in “Squid Game” don matching teal-green track suits as they are forced to play children’s games to the death to pay off their debts.NetflixThe Netflix hit series “Squid Game” has had an unexpected influence on fall fashion. More

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      Seth Meyers Muses on Trump’s Weekend Iowa Rally

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      The host said that seeing the former president speak was like “watching an open-mic night at the senior center.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Far From the Madding CrowdDonald Trump held a rally in Iowa on Saturday, but Seth Meyers found the crowd lacking enthusiasm for the former president’s routine.“And you can tell Trump was waiting for a crowd reaction, too. I mean, look at him — it’s like watching an open-mic night at the senior center,” Meyers said on Monday night.“He treated supporters to an hour and 43 minutes of bitching about the election he lost and how he didn’t lose it, and how he didn’t concede because it was stolen from him, and all that stupid nonsense that runs on a loop in his brain.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Wow, and I was worried about bringing audiences back. I never thought I’d say this, but maybe you should go into lockdown. You know, remote shows might be better for you. You could borrow my attic.” — SETH MEYERS“Also, I love the cutaways to sullen Trump fans just standing there in silence like tourists watching one of those gold statue guys in Times Square: [Imitating tourist] ‘So is he going to, like, do something?’” — SETH MEYERSBut if the Iowa rally wasn’t his crowd, Jimmy Kimmel joked about the protesters on Jan. 6 who were. Kimmel reported that Jonathan Karl’s new Trump tell-all, “Betrayal,” details Trump’s bragging about the size of the crowd that stormed the capitol.“Of course, he was. Is there anything this guy won’t brag about? It’s like bragging about the size of your tumor. It’s not good.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Size matters so much to him. It’s almost as if he’s insecure about something.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Someday he’ll be looking up from the bowels of hell, elbowing his buddy, Jeffrey Epstein, saying, ‘Can you even believe how many people are dancing on my grave right now?’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Mutually Exclusive Edition)“Happy Indigenous Peoples’ or Columbus Day, depending on which cable news channel you watch.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Today was Indigenous Peoples’ Day. Now, of course, some people still call it Columbus Day, and to those people, I say: ‘How you getting back to Jersey? Path train?’” — SETH MEYERS“It’s weird to celebrate these on the same day. It’s like celebrating herpes on Valentine’s Day — they don’t really go together.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He was never here, and yet, we named a whole city in Ohio after him.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Tonight Show” guests Chelsea Handler and Finn Wolfhard faced off in a game of True Confessions.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightPhoebe Bridgers will perform on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutJonathan Kent, the new Superman, who is the son of Clark Kent and Lois Lane, shares an unexpected kiss with his friend Jay.John Timms/DC ComicsThe new Superman (son of Clark Kent and Lois Lane) comes out as bisexual in a forthcoming DC comic book. More

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      Late Night Dives Into a New Senate Report on Trump

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      “So far, I’ve only read the title page, and it seems to be about how the former president and his allies pressured D.O.J. to overturn the 2020 election,” Stephen Colbert said on Thursday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Under PressureThe Senate Judiciary Committee released a new report on Thursday, titled “Subverting Justice: How the Former President and His Allies Pressured D.O.J. to Overturn the 2020 Election.”“So far, I’ve only read the title page, and it seems to be about how the former president and his allies pressured D.O.J. to overturn the 2020 election,” Stephen Colbert said on “The Late Show.”“According to a new Senate report, former President Trump directly asked the Justice Department on nine separate occasions to overturn the 2020 election. Nine? Was he in the back seat of the car? [Imitating Trump] ‘Will you overturn the election?’ ‘No!’ ‘Will you overturn the election?’ ‘No!’” — SETH MEYERS“Trump really thought he could get away with throwing out the vote. He told people at the D.O.J., ‘You guys aren’t following the internet the way I do,’ which I assume means they aren’t Googling ‘Mushroom penis normal?’ over and over again.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Fortunately, lawyers at the Department of Justice threatened to resign en masse if he replaced the attorney general, who refused to do his dirty work, with one of his cronies, who presumably would. He’s such a Karen, isn’t he? ‘Let me speak to the attorney general! He won’t? Well, does he have a supervisor? Put him on the phone!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, there was no acknowledgment of this attempted coup — and that’s what it was — from his fellow Republicans. Senator Chuck Grassley’s office this morning issued the G.O.P. version of the report, which says, and I quote: ‘Trump listened to his senior advisers and he followed their advice and recommendations,’ which is a nice way of saying he wanted to overthrow the government but the lawyers wouldn’t let him do it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But that’s how close we came. Trump tried every avenue he could think of: the courts, the states, the vice president, the Justice Department. He’s like the guy in gridlock traffic who keeps switching lanes, and then throws his hands up when it doesn’t work.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Raise the Roof Edition)“We almost didn’t have a government to save, thanks to former President The Big Lie-bowski.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“As I mentioned, Congress has reached a deal to raise the debt ceiling for two months. I’ll tell you what I think: Just do what Netflix does and raise the ceiling a little bit each month so nobody notices.” — JIMMY FALLON“Woo! Raise the financial roof!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This means America will remain solvent and free from financial calamity. Until Dec. 3.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingMadonna answered all of Jimmy Fallon’s burning questions on “The Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutJovani Furlan, photographed virtually via FaceTime, keeping in dancing shape in Joinville, in Brazil. Three New York City Ballet dancers reflect on not being able to perform during the pandemic and how it feels to return to the stage. More