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      Desi Lydic Ridicules Trump for Demanding Harris’s ‘Burger Certificate’

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      “This isn’t the kind of thing you would lie about,” Lydic said. “It’s not like sex with a porn star while your wife is pregnant.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Salty BehaviorAt a rally this week, former President Donald Trump continued to question Vice President Kamala Harris’s experience of working at a McDonald’s in her youth.Desi Lydic called it “ridiculous that Trump is asking to see Kamala’s burger certificate.”“This isn’t the kind of thing you would lie about. It’s not like sex with a porn star while your wife is pregnant.” — DESI LYDIC“But look, I get why he’s suspicious — if she had ever worked at any McDonald’s between the years 1960 and last week, he probably would have seen her. Or maybe this whole thing is just a ploy for him to get free food: ‘You worked at McDonald’s? Prove it. Make me seven Big Macs!’” — DESI LYDIC“So, Trump’s new conspiracy theory is that Kamala Harris never worked at McDonald’s when she was young, which to him is basically stolen valor: ‘How dare you disrespect our men and women in uniform. Those people served with honor and with extra ketchup packets if you ask.’” — DESI LYDIC“At the same rally, Trump also claimed that Vice President Kamala Harris lied about working at a McDonald’s and said that he would go to the restaurant chain in the next two weeks to see, ‘what her job really wasn’t like.’ And even — even if she can provide proof that she worked there — he’s still probably going to go to McDonald’s in the next two weeks.” — SETH MEYERS“Did Trump just talk himself into getting hungry? ‘She never worked over the piping hot fries, so crispy and salty, each bite a perfect — we should go to McDonald’s. Let’s go to McDonald’s.’” — DESI LYDICThe Punchiest Punchlines (Golden Guys Edition)“Tonight was the second episode of ‘The Golden Bachelorette.’ It was pretty slow. The first hour was just the remaining guys in the house watching the new ‘Matlock’ reboot.” — JIMMY FALLON“Tonight, the golden guys had to decide who’d sleep on the top bunk, which was not as easy as it sounds. Some of them snore, some of them have bad knees, one of them sleeps naked, and they all wake up a lot of times to go pee. So there a lot of logistics going into putting five guys in one bedroom. They’re lined up outside the men’s room like it’s a Lakers game at 4 a.m.” — JIMMY KIMMELWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Desi Lydic: Donald Trump ‘Really Knows How to Flatter a Lady’

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      The “Daily Show” host said the former president had been so unpopular with women that he was now trying to turn on “the old Trump charm.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘The Old Trump Charm’Former President Donald Trump continued to relay his plans to “protect” women at a rally in Pennsylvania on Monday, saying that women are “poorer” and “more stressed and depressed” than they were four years ago.On Tuesday’s “Daily Show,” Desi Lydic said that Trump had been so unpopular with women that he now had to turn on “the old Trump charm.”“Maybe it’s because of his legally adjudicated record of sexual assault; maybe he forgot their birthdays — it’s hard to say.” — DESI LYDIC“Oh, that is the perfect way to appeal to any woman. There’s no better way to start a first date than saying: ‘Diane, I am your protector. I want to be your protector. You will no longer be abandoned, lonely or scared. I will be with you 24 hours a day, seven days a week, looking at you. I’ll never let you out of my sight. Oh, you need to go to the bathroom? OK. I’ll wait. Waitress? I want to protect you.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Uh, I’m actually meeting someone here. I have a boyfriend. Thank you so much, though.” — DESI LYDIC“I love how he’s acknowledging that we’re stressed out, as though he’s not the one stressing us out. This is like Boeing being like, ‘Weird how people seem so freaked out about air travel these days.’ “ — DESI LYDIC“You really know how to flatter a lady. Please tell me more about the bags under my eyes.” — DESI LYDIC“Although, it’s not true that all women are poorer. E. Jean Carroll seems to be doing pretty well.” — DESI LYDIC“But Trump is a master marketer. That’s how you sell things to women: You convince them they have a problem, and then you say, ‘Here, buy these vagina gummies.’ And yes, in this analogy, Trump is the vagina gummy.” — DESI LYDICThe Punchiest Punchlines (Biden’s Last Stand Edition)“Earlier today, President Biden attended the General Assembly and delivered his final U.N. address. Biden called on nations to band together amid world conflicts and growing concerns over China’s influence. Then he added, ‘Or do whatever you want. What the hell do I care? I don’t care anymore.’” — JIMMY FALLON“He warned his fellow leaders to ‘never forget some things are more important than staying in power,’ which got a huge laugh from the Russian delegation.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Biden’s address was a big deal. It’s the most important speech he’s delivered in front of a 1990s kitchen backsplash.” — JIMMY FALLON“Well, New York City officials actually said drivers should expect the slowest traffic of the year. Yeah, you know traffic is slow when even Biden is like, ‘You know, I’m just going to get out and walk.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Stephen Colbert Is Tickled by Trump’s Vow to Make Women Great Again

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      “I‘m not sure if he’s running for president or marketing a new brand of tampon,” Colbert said on Monday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Make Women Great AgainFormer President Donald Trump made several comments about women over the weekend, vowing that under his presidency, he would “protect women at a level never seen before,” saying they would be “healthy, hopeful, safe and secure.”“I‘m not sure if he’s running for president or marketing a new brand of tampon,” Stephen Colbert joked on Monday.“[imitating Trump] Women will be safe, secure — they’ll be safe, secure and unscented. I will install all my judges with a comfort glide applicator. Vote for me, or there will be heavy days. I’m talking about, your friends will be riding bikes and laughing in the pool, and you’re going to be sitting by yourself, dealing with that cup of blue juice.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“During a rally on Saturday in North Carolina, former President Trump spoke about his agenda for women and said, ‘Let’s talk about our great women, all right? Because women have gone through a lot.’ And I assume he’s speaking from experience.” — SETH MEYERS“In a post over the weekend on Truth Social, former President Trump said that if he is elected, ‘Women will be happy, healthy, confident and free.’ So now JD Vance is undecided.” — SETH MEYERS“‘Women are poorer than they were four years ago, are less healthy than they were four years ago, are less safe on the streets than they were four years ago, are more depressed and unhappy than they were four years ago, and are less optimistic and confident in the future than they were four years ago! I will fix all of that, and fast, and at long last this national nightmare will be over.’ This reads like a suicide pact.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“[imitating Trump] Their lives will be happy, beautiful, and great again — and if you don’t believe it, ask my wife Melania, who every night prays I drive my golf cart into a lagoon.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (The Oprah Treatment Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Thinks It’s Unlikely That Neighbors Ate Your Cat

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      Before starting rumors about Haitians, please make sure your cat is actually missing, Ronnie Chieng implored on “The Daily Show.” Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘My Bad!’Erika Lee, a resident of Springfield, Ohio, who spread a rumor on Facebook that a Haitian neighbor had eaten a missing cat, deleted her post and expressed regret (but not before Donald Trump and his running mate, JD Vance, made “cat-eating Haitians in Ohio” a campaign issue).“Oopsie doopsie! Sorry, I set off a race war in the middle of a presidential election,” Ronny Chieng mimicked on Thursday’s “Daily Show.” “That’s totally my bad!”Another Springfield resident, Anna Kilgore, who told the police that Haitians might have taken her cat Miss Sassy, later apologized to her Haitian neighbors after the animal turned up safe and sound.“Turned out, Miss Sassy — which is also my nickname for JD Vance — was in her basement.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Well if that isn’t the most Miss Sassy move I could possibly — [imitating Miss Sassy] ‘I’m gonna go hide in the basement to start some rumors. You know why? ‘Cause I’m sassy.’” — SETH MEYERS“By the way, if your cat goes missing, why would your first guess be someone ate it?” — SETH MEYERS“Here’s a little tip for anyone out there with a missing pet, OK? Before you accuse your Haitian neighbors of stealing them, maybe you could first try looking around your house.” — RONNY CHIENGThe Punchiest Punchlines (Rudy Rudy Rudy Edition)“At the rally, Trump did his usual rant about how New York has turned into a third-world hellhole. And to prove his point, he brought out a New York icon that has decayed beyond all recognition, Rudy Giuliani.” — RONNY CHIENG“Yeah, Rudy wasn’t actually invited — someone just said his name three times and he appeared.” — JIMMY FALLON“Rudy is so feral, I’m worried R.F.K. Jr. will put him in his trunk.” — RONNY CHIENG“He’s going to get you, and good luck trying to outrun Rudy Giuliani on three whiskeys.” — RONNY CHIENG, on Giuliani’s threat to anyone “behind” attacks on Trump: “I’m going to get you.”“That’s right, the guy who can’t differentiate a Four Seasons from a dildo store is gonna find you. You’ve been warned.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingSting performed his new song “I Wrote Your Name (Upon My Heart)” on Thursday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutDemi Moore in “The Substance.”MubiIn “The Substance,” Demi Moore stars as an aging actress who discovers a deadly cure for obscurity. More

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      Jimmy Fallon: With Trump in Town, New York Is ‘a Lot More Florida’

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      The “Tonight Show” host quipped about the former president’s rally in Long Island on Wednesday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Hard to Be HumbleFormer President Donald Trump held a campaign rally on Long Island on Wednesday.“Yeah, tonight the rest of the country found out New York is a lot more Florida than you think,” Jimmy Fallon said.“Organizers said that there were 60,000 online ticket requests. It turns out Rudy Giuliani just passed out with his head on the keyboard.” — JIMMY FALLON“But the rally at Nassau Coliseum was historic. The last time a president appeared at the Coliseum was when President Biden fought the lions in Rome.” — JIMMY FALLON“At a Trump campaign rally last night, Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders said that her kids keep her humble and added, ‘Unfortunately, Kamala Harris doesn’t have anything to keep her humble.’ Though I’m not sure the math checks out there, because doesn’t Trump have, like, five?” — SETH MEYERS“Everyone knows if you don’t have biological kids, you can’t be humble. It’s like that famous Ernest Hemingway story, ‘For Sale: Baby Shoes. Didn’t Need ’Em Cuz I’m a Playa!’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Poll Position Edition)“According to a new poll, Vice President Kamala Harris has a 6-point lead over former President Trump following last week’s debate. And if you think that’s a big lead, then you just don’t follow New York football.” — SETH MEYERS“That same poll found that 61 percent of likely voters believe Harris won the debate, which seems low to me, but it seemed very high to Trump, who posted last night, ‘Finally everyone is agreeing that I won the debate with Kamala. It was like a delayed reaction, but as one political pundit said, Trump is still the GOAT.’ He thinks his caddy at Mar-a-Lago counts as a political pundit.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“According to a new poll, young people are nervous about the 2024 election. Oh, my God, am I young?” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Kimmel dug out footage of Jon Hamm rapping in his high school production of “Godspell” for the actor’s appearance on Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightDemi Lovato will discuss her new documentary, “Child Star,” on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutAaron Hernandez has been the subject of multiple books, true crime podcasts and documentaries.Pool photo by Steven Senne“American Sports Story: Aaron Hernandez” delves into the saga of the pro football player who murdered his friend less than a year after playing in the Super Bowl. More

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      Late Night Calls Out Violence Against Trump

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      “Not only is it morally wrong, but you’re also just giving him more things to brag about,” Ronny Chieng said on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘In His Natural Habitat’Late night returned in full on Tuesday, with a focus on what officials believe was a second assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump.“Yes, this weekend, a crazy person tried to hunt Donald Trump in his natural habitat, his golf course,” Ronny Chieng said on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”“Now here’s how this craziness went down: A truly deranged man went to Mar-a-Lago’s golf course and spent nearly 12 hours hiding there before a Secret Service agent spotted his rifle sticking through the shrubbery. That sounds like an evil plot straight out of Looney Tunes.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yo, again? Will you people stop trying to assassinate Donald Trump? Not only is it morally wrong, but you’re also just giving him more things to brag about: ‘They only tried to kill Abraham Lincoln once; that makes me twice as great as him.’” — RONNY CHIENG“Given that Trump’s campaign hadn’t announced any public plans for Sunday, many wondered did the suspect know the former president would be coming to play golf or was it a guess? Yes, how could he possibly have guessed that Trump would be golfing?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This guy managed to walk into Trump’s golf course and stay there undetected for 12 hours, OK? And I don’t know if you’ve thought about this, Trump, but maybe you should consider building, like, a wall?” — RONNY CHIENG“By the way, have you noticed that the news reports are all like ‘a harrowing near tragedy sending chills through our nation!’ and meanwhile, everyone you actually know is like, ‘Oh, yeah, yeah, I saw that, yeah.’ I mean, we have to act like it’s a big deal, but it doesn’t really have the same impact of the first one, you know? It’s kind of like ‘Black Panther 2.’ You’re like, ‘Yeah, I guess I’ll see it.’” — RONNY CHIENGThe Punchiest Punchlines (Swift Social Edition)“In a post to Truth Social over the weekend, former President Trump said, ‘I hate Taylor Swift!’ Sounds like he’s making a strong play for the 9-year-old brother vote.” — SETH MEYERS“Donald tweeting ‘I hate Taylor Swift?’ That’s dangerous. I mean, I would rather buy one of those Hezbollah pagers than tweet ‘I hate Taylor Swift.’” — RONNY CHIENG“I think Trump needs to stick to racism — it’s less divisive.” — RONNY CHIENG“But the assassin this weekend was probably not a Swiftie, OK? He doesn’t fit the M.O. Swifties are nonviolent — they prefer to cyberbully you until you kill yourself.” — RONNY CHIENGThe Bits Worth WatchingWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      ‘Does This Taste Funny?’: How Stephen Colbert’s Family Cookbook Came to Be

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      Comedy defangs the taboo, so Stephen Colbert and Evie McGee Colbert have decided, at last, to tell the dreaded spoon story. The two have celebrated milestone anniversaries, welcomed three children and one dog, and now released the cookbook “Does This Taste Funny? Recipes Our Family Loves.” Secure in that solid foundation, Mr. Colbert and Ms. McGee Colbert conceded the time had come to revisit what has come to be one of the defining moments of their union.It goes like this: The Colberts were just married and living in Chicago, where Mr. Colbert launched his career performing with Second City, when Ms. McGee Colbert took a metal spoon out a drawer and scraped it across the surface of their pristine set of Calphalon nonstick pans.Off in the distance, but almost visible from the porch of their home on Sullivan’s Island in South Carolina where this interview took place, Fort Sumter marks the ground where the Civil War broke out in 1861. The stakes of this inciting incident were only somewhat less consequential.“We move into this apartment,” Ms. McGee Colbert recalled, “and I think we’re going to be chopping basil and cooking together and drinking wine and listening to Chet Baker.” Her new husband wasted no time disabusing her of those notions. “He’s like, ‘You shouldn’t do that,’” she said.“I believe I said, ‘How about a wooden spoon?’” Mr. Colbert countered, head in hands.Ms. McGee Colbert dropped her weapon and withdrew. She took one look at the man to whom she had pledged her troth and declared that there would be no more “having a fabulous time” in the kitchen. Mr. Colbert could have his mise en place and sparkling cookware. In the parlance of “Top Chef,” she packed her knives and went.“I was like, ‘I’m out,’” Ms. McGee Colbert said. Next to her on a rattan couch in the humid Charelstonian summer, Mr. Colbert wiped his brow and groaned.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      How Stephen Colbert’s Family Cookbook Came to Be

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      Comedy defangs the taboo, so Stephen Colbert and Evie McGee Colbert have decided, at last, to tell the dreaded spoon story. The two have celebrated milestone anniversaries, welcomed three children and one dog, and now released the cookbook “Does This Taste Funny? Recipes Our Family Loves.” Secure in that solid foundation, Mr. Colbert and Ms. McGee Colbert conceded the time had come to revisit what has come to be one of the defining moments of their union.It goes like this: The Colberts were just married and living in Chicago, where Mr. Colbert launched his career performing with Second City, when Ms. McGee Colbert took a metal spoon out a drawer and scraped it across the surface of their pristine set of Calphalon nonstick pans.Off in the distance, but almost visible from the porch of their home on Sullivan’s Island in South Carolina where this interview took place, Fort Sumter marks the ground where the Civil War broke out in 1861. The stakes of this inciting incident were only somewhat less consequential.“We move into this apartment,” Ms. McGee Colbert recalled, “and I think we’re going to be chopping basil and cooking together and drinking wine and listening to Chet Baker.” Her new husband wasted no time disabusing her of those notions. “He’s like, ‘You shouldn’t do that,’” she said.“I believe I said, ‘How about a wooden spoon?’” Mr. Colbert countered, head in hands.Ms. McGee Colbert dropped her weapon and withdrew. She took one look at the man to whom she had pledged her troth and declared that there would be no more “having a fabulous time” in the kitchen. Mr. Colbert could have his mise en place and sparkling cookware. In the parlance of “Top Chef,” she packed her knives and went.“I was like, ‘I’m out,’” Ms. McGee Colbert said. Next to her on a rattan couch in the humid Charelstonian summer, Mr. Colbert wiped his brow and groaned.We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More