Colbert, Stephen

Jimmy Kimmel joked that Donald Trump beat Nikki Haley by 11 points and that he’s “also leading Haley by double digits in felony charges, 91 to zero.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘No Applause?’Former President Donald Trump won the New Hampshire Republican primary on Tuesday, taking 54.3 percent of the vote to Nikki Haley’s 43.3 percent.Jimmy Kimmel kicked off Wednesday night’s show by congratulating Trump on his win. “No applause?” he joked.“He beat Nikki Haley by double digits. He’s also leading Nikki Haley by double digits in felony charges, 91 to zero.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump defeated Nikki Haley 54 to 43. It’s the very first time he’s ever been happy to see a woman in her 40s.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Trump cruised to victory, and just like most cruises, half the people partied while the other half felt really sick.” — JIMMY FALLON“Meanwhile, before the votes even came in, Nikki Haley made it clear she wasn’t dropping out. Yep, her campaign released a memo that said, ‘We aren’t going anywhere.’ I’m not sure that slogan is going to work: ‘Nikki Haley: We aren’t going anywhere.’” — JIMMY FALLON“But Nikki Haley has no plans to stop; she will not drop out. Last night, she told supporters that the race is far from over, she still has literally dozens of states to lose.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Sore Winner Edition)“That’s right, Former President Trump won yesterday’s New Hampshire primary, while Nikki Haley finished second. Haley gave a concession speech, while Trump gave a concussion speech.” — SETH MEYERS“Trump was visibly upset Nikki Haley gave a speech as if she won. He reportedly spent the night seething about it, and I don’t blame him. Pretending you won when you actually lost, it’s his thing; not cool, Nikki.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“[imitating Trump] How dare she act like she won when she lost? I mean, what kind of maniac pretends they won when they really lost?” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingStephen Colbert offered Gen Z a quick pep talk on the merits of giving blood amid a drop in donations.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightJustin Timberlake will pop by to see Jimmy Fallon on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutCindy Sherman at her studio in New York City.Caroline Tompkins for The New York TimesCindy Sherman’s photo-portraits of women assembled digitally from fragmentary parts make up her new show at Hauser & Wirth. More

The now-former presidential candidate “knew it was time to go four months after the rest of us did,” said Jimmy Fallon.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.DeSantis Is HistoryDays after finishing 30 points behind Donald Trump in the Iowa caucuses, Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida bowed out of the presidential race on Sunday.“Yeah, DeSantis knew it was time to go four months after the rest of us did,” Jimmy Fallon joked on Monday.“Florida governor Ron DeSantis announced yesterday that he was suspending his presidential campaign — and this only a few days after Iowa announced it.” — SETH MEYERS“DeSantis met with his advisers, and they were, like, ‘Ron, how do we put this? There’s a better chance of you being a judge on “RuPaul’s Drag Race” than being president of the United States.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, when he saw the latest polls, DeSantis clicked his high heels together three times and said, ‘There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.’” — JIMMY FALLON“It’s estimated that Ron DeSantis spent $2,263 per vote he got. It literally would have been cheaper to buy each of his supporters a Peloton bike.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I don’t understand why Americans didn’t rally behind a guy who declared war on the Magic Kingdom, attacked trans kids, denied Covid, kidnapped migrants and flew them to Martha’s Vineyard, and ate pudding with his fingers.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This is one of the most spectacular political crash-and-burns of all time. At least DeSantis doesn’t have to worry about banning history books anymore, because he won’t be in them.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That’s right, it’s been a real roller coaster ride for DeSantis. But he said he’s happy, ’cause at least with this roller coaster, he was tall enough to ride.” — JIMMY FALLON“So now the field has been narrowed down to Nikki Haley and nobody else, living every woman’s nightmare: being left alone with Donald Trump.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Not Winston Churchill Edition)“DeSantis posted a video announcing that he was dropping out, and during it he attributed a quote about failure to Winston Churchill, but Churchill never actually said it. See, this is what happens when you ban textbooks.” — JIMMY FALLON“The International Churchill Society says on its website, ‘We can find no attribution for the quote, and it is found nowhere in his canon.’ Now, I know a lot of people are saying DeSantis could have fact-checked that in one of the books he banned, but that’s not fair. To quote Winston Churchill, ‘you can also just [expletive] Google it.’” — SETH MEYERSWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber?  More

“He can’t even control an umbrella,” Seth Meyers said of the former president on Thursday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Get Ahold of YourselfA judge threatened to remove Donald Trump from court on Wednesday after he could be heard muttering disparaging comments during E. Jean Carroll’s second defamation suit against the former president.“A judge actually had to tell a former president of the United States, ‘You can’t control yourself,’” Seth Meyers said on Thursday. “He can’t even control an umbrella.”“Things are so crazy right now. In a year, Trump is either going to be president again, or we’re going to see him in Times Square offering to take pictures with tourists next to Elmo and Spider-Man.” — SETH MEYERS“Now, you’re probably saying, didn’t that trial already happen? Yeah, it did. We also already did Trump versus Biden. Get used to everything happening twice. Get used to everything happening twice.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, Trump doesn’t believe he should be held accountable for anything. At 2 a.m., he scream-posted ‘A president of the United States must have full immunity, without which it would be impossible for him/her to properly function.’ No, Trump doesn’t believe in any accountability. He believes the presidency should be like the movie ‘The Purge,’ which is why he’s always wearing that weird leather pig mask.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“It is nice to hear him being inclusive. [imitating Trump] ‘I believe the president, whether it be him or her, Hispanic or Her-spanic, should have a private kill squad to take out those who dare speak against him.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This is not a man who has any moral limitations, so I can’t imagine what he means by saying he should be allowed to cross the line. What’s he going to do, imprison his political opponents? Chop off California and sell it to Russia? Outlaw umbrellas?” — SETH MEYERS“This is the kind of thing that should end with Trump in prison or, best case, living alone in a motel by the racetrack. But every time he gets worse, his poll numbers get better, which explains his new 2024 slogan: ‘Welcome to Hell.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Kissing Cousins Edition)We are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber?  More

“Yep, Ramaswamy took the stage and praised Trump for eight minutes,” Fallon said. “Then he was, like, ‘Wait, Donald, this is your speech. Sorry!’”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘Stop the Hug!’Vivek Ramaswamy dropped out of the 2024 presidential race on Monday after finishing fourth at the Iowa caucuses. The 38-year-old entrepreneur endorsed former President Donald Trump and supported him at a rally in New Hampshire on Tuesday.“Everyone was on the edge of their seat just to hear how Trump would pronounce Vivek Ramaswamy,” Jimmy Fallon said.“Yep, Ramaswamy took the stage and praised Trump for eight minutes. Then he was, like, ‘Wait, Donald, this is your speech. Sorry!’” — JIMMY FALLON“Vivek Ramaswamy announced this week that he was suspending his presidential campaign. He plans to return to his true passion, tearing down the teen rec center to build a shopping mall.” — SETH MEYERSAfter Ramaswamy ended his speech, he welcomed Trump to the stage with an awkward and lengthy embrace.“I didn’t know if they were hugging or burping each other.” — JIMMY FALLON“Stop the hug! Stop the hug!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“To be fair, that’s pretty much every embrace between a guy in his 30s and a guy in his 70s. It’s, like, ‘Hey, I don’t know what you’re doing. Are we hugging?’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (I-o-wanna Edition)“The big news today is the big news from Monday. Donald Trump won the Iowa caucus with 51 percent of the vote. Iowa: apparently, short for ‘I-o-wanna live in a democracy anymore.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So the DeSantis train is steaming on to New Hampshire, where he is currently polling at 5 percent. But don’t give up, Ron, because when asked which candidate they preferred, 2 percent refused to answer. If they’re ashamed to say it out loud, that’s a DeSantis voter.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“ABC and CNN decided to cancel their New Hampshire debate coverage because Trump and Nikki Haley said they would not attend. So, the good news is if you still want to hear two Republicans who will never be president argue about politics, you can always go visit your parents.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Ted Lasso” star Juno Temple talked about finding her Minnesota accent for the new season of “Fargo.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightThe singer-songwriter Sierra Ferrell will perform on Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutFatima Robinson, foreground, on the set of “The Color Purple,” with Fantasia Barrino-Taylor, in white, and Oprah Winfrey.Eli Adé/Warner Bros.“The Color Purple” choreographer Fatima Robinson realized a lifelong dream with her work on the new musical film adaptation of Alice Walker’s 1982 novel. More

“That is a terrible idea, and please, Jesus, let it happen,” Colbert said of the former president’s initial desire to deliver his own closing argument in his fraud trial.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Give Him a ShotFormer President Donald Trump’s civil fraud trial is expected to come to a close on Thursday. Trump had intended to deliver part of the closing argument himself, but he backed down after refusing to abide by the judge’s restrictions, including that he not give “a campaign speech.”On Wednesday, Stephen Colbert noted that Trump had been saying “a lot of crazy stuff about this trial” and hoped he might “also say crazy stuff during the trial” for the late night host’s own amusement.“That is a terrible idea, and please, Jesus, let it happen.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Unfortunately, this afternoon, the judge rescinded permission for Trump to give his own closing argument. Boo! I knew Justice was blind; I didn’t know she was a buzzkill.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Don’t worry, as a comedian, I immediately filed an appeal: ‘Your honor, please, that would get us through February. I mean, come on. Think about our jobs.’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Just the Two of Us Edition)“There’s nobody fun left to watch. It’s like a box of Lucky Charms without the marshmallows now.” — JIMMY KIMMEL, on Chris Christie’s dropping out of the presidential race on Wednesday“He made this tough decision after looking at the polls and realizing it was an easy decision.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Christie is not expected to make any endorsements at this time, but the timing of this decision indicates that he’s clearing the way for Nikki Haley to take all of his voter.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Of course, Chris Christie was the most high-profile and consistent critic of Trump still in the Republican primary — unlike Ron DeSantis, whose campaign slogan is ‘Ron DeSantis: Trump 2024.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yep, it all comes down to this. After tonight, it’ll become clearer who will more not be the nominee.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber?  More

Jimmy Fallon joked that Trump has so many trials that “at this point, the courtroom sketch artist doesn’t even draw him — she just traces the grooves in her desk.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘The Violent Overthrow of the Government One’Former President Donald Trump attended a court hearing in Washington, D.C., on Tuesday, where his lawyer argued for presidential immunity for what Stephen Colbert called “the violent overthrow of the government one.”Jimmy Fallon joked that Trump has been part of so many trials that “at this point, the courtroom sketch artist doesn’t even draw him — she just traces the grooves in her desk.”“Trump spends so much time in court, the sketch artists are running out of orange pastels.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump is in court so often he enrolled in PreCheck so he can zip through security.” — JIMMY FALLON“During the hearing, Trump appeared visibly agitated and several times he abruptly became anxious and upset. Eventually, his lawyer handed him an iPad that was playing his favorite episode of ‘Bluey.’” — JIMMY FALLONOne judge pressed Trump’s lawyer on whether presidential immunity would extend to cases such as ordering special forces to kill a political rival.Jimmy Kimmel joked that Trump better lock the doors at Mar-a-Lago “because Bazooka Joe Biden has every reason to blow it to kingdom come.”“To recap: Trump’s lawyers are arguing that the president, who is currently Joe Biden, could order SEAL Team Six to assassinate his political rival, who is currently Donald Trump.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“So to recap — or to re-recap — Trump and his lawyers are arguing that the president ought to be able to murder his political opponents and then cannot be prosecuted unless he gets impeached. Our commander in chief has godlike powers over life and death as long as his party controls the Senate — and I just wanna say, please vote.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Missing Bolts Edition)“A man in Portland recently found a working iPhone along the side of a road that is believed to have been onboard the Alaskan Airlines plane that had a door plug blow off mid-flight. And, honestly, I’m not sure what’s scarier: having the door blow off your plane, or losing your phone.” — SETH MEYERS“The NTSB, or ‘nut-sub,’ has released its preliminary findings on the door popping off, announcing the panel on the plane may not have been properly attached. Ya think? It reminds me of the NTSB’s groundbreaking report on the Hindenburg: ‘Kaboom.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, the good news is that the bolts that should have held the door in place may not have come loose as was previously feared, OK? The bad news is that it’s possible the bolts were never even installed. Now, I know that sounds like a major screw-up, but they were just following the instructions: Put door on plane. Wonder why you have leftover bolts. Enjoy unlimited leg room.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, in response to this fiasco, the F.A.A. has grounded all 200 Boeing Max 9 planes in the United States, saying it could take four to eight hours to inspect each plane. Well, I think I speak for all travelers when I say take your time! OK? Do not rush. Be thorough. We’ll be at the Chili’s Too, pounding Spice-A-Ritas.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingSeth Meyers skewered his writers’ worst jokes of the new year in Tuesday night’s “Surprise Inspection” segment.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightReneé Rapp will promote her role as Regina George in the new musical movie version of “Mean Girls” on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutJane Curtin, Harriet Sansom Harris, Ben Kingsley and Jade Quon in the 2023 film “Jules,” directed by Marc Turtletaub.Linda Kallerus/Bleecker StreetFrom books to movies to art shows, aliens are having yet another pop culture moment. More

Kimmel said although the N.F.L. star may believe that Kimmel is linked to Jeffrey Epstein, it’s more likely that Rodgers “is mad at me for making fun of his topknot.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Flag on the PlayOn his first show of the new year, Jimmy Kimmel addressed recent comments that the N.F.L. quarterback Aaron Rodgers made about him in connection with Jeffrey Epstein. During an appearance on ESPN’s “The Pat McAfee Show” last Tuesday, Rodgers insinuated that Kimmel was nervous about the publication of some court documents because they would reveal a link between Kimmel and Epstein.On Monday night, Kimmel said Rodgers might actually believe his “false and very damaging statements,” but that the more likely scenario is “he doesn’t actually believe that — he just said it because he’s mad at me for making fun of his topknot and his lies about being vaccinated.”Kimmel cited Rodgers’ “Thanksgiving Day Parade-sized ego” as part of the problem and said he wasn’t expecting an apology, but he did want to differentiate between the jokes made on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” and flat-out lies.“We say a lot of things on this show — we don’t make up lies. In fact, we have a team of people who work very hard to sift through the facts and reputable sources before I make a joke, and that’s an important distinction. A joke about someone — even when that someone is Donald Trump. Even a person who lies from the minute he wakes up until the minute he’s smearing orange makeup on his MyPillow at night — even he deserves that consideration, and we give it to him. Because the truth still matters, and when I do get something wrong, which happens on rare occasions, you know what I do? I apologize for it, which is what Aaron Rodgers should do, which is what a decent person would do. But I bet he won’t. If he does, you know what I’ll do? I’ll accept his apology and move on.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But here’s the thing: I spent years doing sports. I’ve seen guys like him before. Aaron Rodgers has a very high opinion of himself. Because he had success on the football field, he believes himself to be an extraordinary being. He genuinely thinks that because God gave him the ability to throw a ball, he’s smarter than everyone else. The idea that his brain is just average is unfathomable to him.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“We learned during Covid somehow he knows more about science than scientists. A guy who went to community college then got into Cal on a football scholarship and didn’t graduate; someone who never spent a minute studying the human body is an expert in the field of immunology.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Aaron got two A’s on his report card — they were both in the word ‘Aaron,’ OK?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“They let him host ‘Jeopardy’ for two weeks, now he knows everything.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Revisionist History Edition)“Former U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley is facing criticism after she recently failed to cite slavery as the leading cause of the Civil War. Not only that, she’s facing a D in social studies.” — SETH MEYERS“Judges? Oh, no, I’m sorry. The answer we were looking for was ‘slavery.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Oh, yes, she had Black friends, but then they heard her opinion on what caused the Civil War.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yes, slavery is the obvious answer to ‘What caused the Civil War?’ Just like ‘Donald Trump’ is the obvious answer to ‘What caused Civil War 2?’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Monday’s “Tonight Show,” the “America’s Got Talent” host Mel B shared her plans to commemorate the Spice Girls’ 30th anniversary with a postage stamp featuring her face.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe pop star Dua Lipa will stop by Tuesday’s “Late Night,” one month after day drinking with Seth Meyers.Also, Check This OutPrince, bathed in purple light and rainy weather, performed at the Super Bowl in 2007.Doug MillsForty years after its release, Prince’s Oscar-winning rock musical film “Purple Rain” is being adapted for the stage. More