Colbert, Stephen

Stephen Colbert likened the current state of the Republican primary to grocery “shopping carts that are shaped like cars so the kids can pretend they’re driving.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.What’s the Alternative?Despite former President Donald Trump potentially being off the primary ballot in Colorado for 2024, Republicans are still supporting his candidacy while other candidates compete to be runner-up.“Right now, the Republican primary is like when you go to the grocery store and they have those shopping carts that are shaped like cars so the kids can pretend they’re driving,” Stephen Colbert said on Thursday’s “Late Show.”“According to a new poll, 54 percent of Americans approve of Colorado kicking Trump off the ballot, including — including a shocking 24 percent of Republicans. But MAGA conservatives are officially P.O.’d about it, and some of them are seeking vengeance against the guy who did not do it, because Republicans are threatening to take Joe Biden off the ballot in states they control. Yes, they’re going to kick him off the ballot for the same constitutionally sound reason they’re impeaching him — I don’t know.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Of course, there’s no guarantee Trump’s even going to be the nominee. And there’s been a huge shake-up in the Republican primary because, according to the polls, Nikki Haley has surged into second place behind Trump in Iowa. Yaaass, queen! It is so important to show little girls out there that they, too, can never be president.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Winter Solstice Edition)“Well, everyone, today is officially the first day of winter, and it was also the shortest day of the year. Yeah, it was fun around 3 p.m. when you weren’t sure whether to take DayQuil or NyQuil.” — JIMMY FALLON“Happy winter solstice, everybody — unless you’ve got seasonal affective disorder, in which case, hang in there! Tomorrow is going to be three seconds longer.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“One popular solstice tradition is to dance around a bonfire, but I already did my drunken fire dance two nights ago when Colorado kicked Trump off the ballot.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingSeth Meyers revisited an old Playboy interview with Trump from 1990 for his last “A Closer Look” segment of 2023.Also, Check This OutAndrew Scott in “All of Us Strangers.”Chris Harris/Searchlight PicturesAndrew Scott plays a man alienated from himself and looking for answers in Andrew Haigh’s new film, “All of Us Strangers.” More

Fallon joked that before the court ruling on Tuesday, “Trump thought ‘the insurrection clause’ was one of those Tim Allen movies on Disney+.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Banned in ColoradoColorado’s top court on Tuesday ruled that former President Donald Trump was disqualified from returning to office, banning him from its primary ballot based on Section 3 of the 14th Amendment, which disallows candidates who engage in insurrection against the Constitution.Jimmy Fallon joked about the timing of the news, saying, “Christmas is almost here, and people are already returning gifts. In fact, last night Colorado returned Donald Trump.”“You got to give it up for Colorado — they’re the first state to legalize weed and illegalize Trump.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, they banned him from the ballot. If Trump ends up winning in 2024, don’t be surprised if Colorado suddenly becomes East Utah.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yep, Colorado decided that Trump is disqualified from being president ’cause his role in the Jan. 6 attack violated the U.S. Constitution’s insurrection clause. Yep, before last night, Trump thought ‘the insurrection clause’ was one of those Tim Allen movies on Disney+.” — JIMMY FALLON“The insurrection clause is in the 14th Amendment, which was ratified in 1868. Right now, President Biden’s like, ‘I supported it then, and I support it now.’” — JIMMY FALLON“You go, Colorado. Just goes to show you can make good decisions when you’re high.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The reason the court kicked Trump off the ballot is the 14th Amendment’s so-called insurrection clause, which states that no one can hold an office of the United States if they ‘have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof.’ The insurrection, in this case, is Jan. 6, and ‘aid and comfort to our enemies’ is his side hustle.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The Colorado Supreme Court ruled yesterday that former President Trump is ineligible to run again for president, while the Florida Supreme Court ruled he already won.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Paraphrasing Hitler Edition)“After facing comparisons to Adolf Hitler, former President Trump said yesterday that immigrants are destroying the blood of our country and added, ‘They said, “Oh, Hitler said that in a much different way.”’ But you’ve already lost the argument if you have to say, ‘Guys, I wasn’t quoting Hitler — I was paraphrasing him.’” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, after facing comparisons to Adolf Hitler, Trump said that immigrants are destroying the blood of our country and added, ‘I’ve never read “Mein Kampf.”’ Yeah, no one thought you had. I’d be surprised if you read ‘The Art of the Deal.’” — SETH MEYERS“[imitating Trump] Everyone is saying that I’ve read ‘Mein Kampf,’ but that is a lie: I reached the same conclusions as Hitler independently. And while I’ve got your attention — folks, hold on — while I’ve got your attention, and I’m just spitballin’ here, what say we invade Poland?” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingLiam Neeson narrated what Stephen Colbert called “the new animated classic,” “The Indict-Mare Before Christmas,” on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightAmy Poehler will catch up with her former “Saturday Night Live” castmate Seth Meyers on Thursday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutWhatever potential acting work Matt Bomer may have lost by coming out, he said, “Love is more important to me than anything that being my true self cost me.”Sabrina Santiago for The New York TimesThe openly gay actor Matt Bomer is defying expectations with spotlight roles in projects like “Fellow Travelers” and “Maestro.” More

Colbert chided Giuliani after two former Georgia election workers won a $148 million judgment against him, then sued him again a few days later.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Kick Him While He’s DownTwo former Georgia election workers who were awarded $148 million after being defamed by Rudolph W. Giuliani sued him again on Monday after he continued to attack them.“Now, normally, I’d say don’t kick a man while he’s down, but in Rudy’s case, go for it,” Stephen Colbert said. “It’s much easier when he’s down there — he’s closer to your feet.”“After this enormous punishment for the damage he caused by lying continually about these two innocent women, I’m sure he’s learned his lesson — and he continues to repeat his false allegations the poll watchers interfered in the 2020 election. He’s done it outside the courthouse, on Newsmax, and on Steve Bannon’s podcast. He says it everywhere he goes. He even said it to his current roommates, two sea gulls on South Street Seaport.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The two Georgia election workers who won a $148 million verdict on Friday against Rudy Giuliani filed another lawsuit yesterday after Giuliani continued making false statements about them. Only Rudy could lose a $148 million lawsuit and say, ‘OK, double or nothing!’” — SETH MEYERS“Obviously, he needs money fast. I recommend he drill for oil in his skull.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (You Make Me Feel So Young Edition)“According to a new report, President Biden frequently tells aides and friends in private conversations that he feels ‘so much younger’ than his age. And I’m sure he does, but it doesn’t inspire a ton of confidence when you walk around going ‘Man, I feel 73!’” — SETH MEYERS“Yes, his campaign staff is worried when he overextends himself by working long hours or riding a bike or nodding too hard, excessive blinking.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Well, good for you, sir! You don’t look one day over — let’s change the subject. What were we talking about? I don’t remember.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingBradley Cooper could barely get through a story about his 30th high school reunion while laughing with Jimmy Fallon on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightNicki Minaj will promote her new album, “Pink Friday 2,” on Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutA reading party in Brooklyn. Lila Barth for The New York TimesReading Rhythms isn’t a book club — it’s a reading party held regularly in parks, bars, and on rooftops. More

The “Late Night” host ribbed Giuliani for being so far in debt that he’ll go bankrupt paying the $148 million he now owes two Georgia election workers.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Morally BankruptLast Friday, a jury ordered Rudy Giuliani to pay $148 million to two former Georgia election workers he was found guilty of defaming after the 2020 election.“Well, after marrying his cousin, giving a press conference at a landscaping company and almost masturbating in the Borat movie, Rudy Giuliani has finally slipped up,” Seth Meyers joked on Monday.“Instead of $48 million, they ordered him to pay $148 million. They basically took the maximum and put a one in front of it, which, if you ask me, is the funniest possible choice. They took one look at Rudy and said, ‘There’s no way he can afford to pay $48 million. So [expletive] it, let’s add another hundo.’” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, a jury in Washington, D.C., last week ordered Rudy Giuliani to pay nearly $150 million in the defamation case brought against him by two Georgia election workers. OK, but he for sure doesn’t have that much money. You might as well order a dog to drive you to the airport. A lot of stress for the dog, but you’re not getting to the airport.” — SETH MEYERS“No one’s sure how much of this judgment Rudy will actually be able to pay because his net worth is unknown, although a financial statement acquired during discovery listed his personal assets as two empty Franzia boxes and a paper bag labeled ‘Backup teeth?’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“He defaulted on a phone bill. He bounced a check for his neck removal surgery. He owes $1 million in unpaid parking tickets for parking his car inside the living room of his apartment. He missed a credit card payment for a locksmith he hired to get into his house, which he had locked himself out of, and then a second locksmith he hired to get him out of his house he had locked himself into. He also owes Blockbuster multiple copies of the film ‘Rudy’ after returning the ones he rented with himself edited into the footage.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Playing the Hits Edition)“It is Dec. 18, and it’s beginning to look a lot like fascism, thanks to Donald Trump.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This weekend in New Hampshire, former president Trump delivered an hour-and-a-half-long speech where he bashed immigrants, defended Jan. 6 rioters, and called Kim Jong Un ‘very nice.’ So he’s just playing the hits, you know what I’m saying? That’s how you do it. [imitating Trump] I’m not going to waste any of your time with the new stuff — here’s some classics. The surprise song tonight is ‘Wall.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump does the same material so much, people start yelling requests. They’re, like, ‘Do Inject Bleach!’”— JIMMY FALLON“Trump even points the mic to the crowd during some of the singalong parts. He’s like, ‘When I say witch hunt, you say rigged!’” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Fallon challenged two musicians from the audience to write original songs based on the made-up song titles “Texting With My Mittens On” and “North Pole Dancing.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightRufus and Martha Wainwright will perform a holiday-themed song by the singer-songwriter Sufjan Stevens on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This Out“I love that feeling of taking over a space,” said Carrie Coon, who plays an ambitious new-money matriarch in “The Gilded Age.” “It’s a really satisfying and rare feeling as a woman to have that.”Amy Harrity for The New York Times“The Gilded Age” star Carrie Coon has become a fan favorite as the ambitious wife of a railway tycoon on HBO’s historical drama. More