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      Late Night Shames Moderna for Refusing to Share

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      “Imagine only making one thing and billions of people want it,” Jimmy Kimmel said. “This must be how the Baha Men felt after recording ‘Who Let the Dogs Out.’”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Sick BusinessModerna has come under fire for both refusing to share its Covid vaccine technology as well as denying vaccines to poor countries in desperate need.“The Covid vaccine is Moderna’s only product — it’s the only thing the company sells,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Tuesday. “Imagine only making one thing and billions of people want it. This must be how the Baha Men felt after recording ‘Who Let the Dogs Out,’ you know?”“Look, man, I get it — Moderna is a business and they want to make money themselves, but at least come up with a better excuse, you know, like the vaccine formula is an old family recipe.” — TREVOR NOAH“Apparently, it’s been passed down from generation to generation — just like Mama used to make.” — JIMMY FALLON“So on Saturday, The Times reported that Moderna ‘has been supplying its shots almost exclusively to wealthy nations, keeping the poorer countries waiting and earning billions of dollars in profit.’ I’m sure that’s just a coincidence, right? [Imitating Moderna spokesperson] ‘Guys! We’re doing it alphabetically: America, Australia, Britain, Canada, Denmark — it’s not our fault the rich countries come first. Zambia, Zimbabwe, we’ll get there eventually, hang in.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It is a shame that companies think about profit in a time like this when people are dying. But I get it — if they don’t make money doing it this time, they might not bother to work on a vaccine next time.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Offensive Coordinator Edition)“Last night, Las Vegas Raiders head coach Jon Gruden resigned after old emails came out showing his use of homophobic, racist and misogynistic language. Oh, Lord. Do you know how bad it’s got to be to get kicked out of Las Vegas? They’ve got no rules there.” — JIMMY FALLON“Usually if a coach is fired, the team was playing really, really badly, like the cheerleaders were rooting for the other team bad.” — TREVOR NOAH“The emails were so offensive, the Raiders almost made him offensive coordinator.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know you screwed up when you’re not fit to coach a team whose fans dress like actual demons.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“You know, the Raiders are known for being an unorthodox team, but this is the ugliest thing to come out of that organization since their owner’s haircut, which is saying something.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“So he, of course, apologized. He said he ‘never meant to hurt anybody,’ and that if he had known these emails were gonna be published in the newspaper, he definitely would not have written or sent them.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“In a statement, Gruden said: ‘I apologize. My 19,000 offensive emails are not who I am.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Goddamn, this dude hit everybody — Blacks, gays, women, protesters, brain-damage victims. It’s almost like he was competing in a cancellation decathlon.” — TREVOR NOAH“I mean, I can’t believe I have to say this but, people, people — you should not be writing racist emails. Just get up, walk over to your co-worker’s desk and say the N-word in person. It’s called human interaction, people.” — TREVOR NOAH“Besides his coaching job, Gruden also lost an endorsement deal with Skechers. Yup, Skechers said their deal with Gruden no longer made sense and then people were like, ‘Did it ever?’”— JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingAmber Ruffin detailed all that Trump has done for religion on Tuesday’s “Late Night With Seth Meyers.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe “Succession” star Sarah Snook will chat with Seth Meyers on Wednesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutThe characters in “Squid Game” don matching teal-green track suits as they are forced to play children’s games to the death to pay off their debts.NetflixThe Netflix hit series “Squid Game” has had an unexpected influence on fall fashion. More

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      Seth Meyers Muses on Trump’s Weekend Iowa Rally

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      The host said that seeing the former president speak was like “watching an open-mic night at the senior center.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Far From the Madding CrowdDonald Trump held a rally in Iowa on Saturday, but Seth Meyers found the crowd lacking enthusiasm for the former president’s routine.“And you can tell Trump was waiting for a crowd reaction, too. I mean, look at him — it’s like watching an open-mic night at the senior center,” Meyers said on Monday night.“He treated supporters to an hour and 43 minutes of bitching about the election he lost and how he didn’t lose it, and how he didn’t concede because it was stolen from him, and all that stupid nonsense that runs on a loop in his brain.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Wow, and I was worried about bringing audiences back. I never thought I’d say this, but maybe you should go into lockdown. You know, remote shows might be better for you. You could borrow my attic.” — SETH MEYERS“Also, I love the cutaways to sullen Trump fans just standing there in silence like tourists watching one of those gold statue guys in Times Square: [Imitating tourist] ‘So is he going to, like, do something?’” — SETH MEYERSBut if the Iowa rally wasn’t his crowd, Jimmy Kimmel joked about the protesters on Jan. 6 who were. Kimmel reported that Jonathan Karl’s new Trump tell-all, “Betrayal,” details Trump’s bragging about the size of the crowd that stormed the capitol.“Of course, he was. Is there anything this guy won’t brag about? It’s like bragging about the size of your tumor. It’s not good.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Size matters so much to him. It’s almost as if he’s insecure about something.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Someday he’ll be looking up from the bowels of hell, elbowing his buddy, Jeffrey Epstein, saying, ‘Can you even believe how many people are dancing on my grave right now?’” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Mutually Exclusive Edition)“Happy Indigenous Peoples’ or Columbus Day, depending on which cable news channel you watch.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Today was Indigenous Peoples’ Day. Now, of course, some people still call it Columbus Day, and to those people, I say: ‘How you getting back to Jersey? Path train?’” — SETH MEYERS“It’s weird to celebrate these on the same day. It’s like celebrating herpes on Valentine’s Day — they don’t really go together.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He was never here, and yet, we named a whole city in Ohio after him.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Tonight Show” guests Chelsea Handler and Finn Wolfhard faced off in a game of True Confessions.What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightPhoebe Bridgers will perform on Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutJonathan Kent, the new Superman, who is the son of Clark Kent and Lois Lane, shares an unexpected kiss with his friend Jay.John Timms/DC ComicsThe new Superman (son of Clark Kent and Lois Lane) comes out as bisexual in a forthcoming DC comic book. More

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      Late Night Dives Into a New Senate Report on Trump

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      “So far, I’ve only read the title page, and it seems to be about how the former president and his allies pressured D.O.J. to overturn the 2020 election,” Stephen Colbert said on Thursday.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Under PressureThe Senate Judiciary Committee released a new report on Thursday, titled “Subverting Justice: How the Former President and His Allies Pressured D.O.J. to Overturn the 2020 Election.”“So far, I’ve only read the title page, and it seems to be about how the former president and his allies pressured D.O.J. to overturn the 2020 election,” Stephen Colbert said on “The Late Show.”“According to a new Senate report, former President Trump directly asked the Justice Department on nine separate occasions to overturn the 2020 election. Nine? Was he in the back seat of the car? [Imitating Trump] ‘Will you overturn the election?’ ‘No!’ ‘Will you overturn the election?’ ‘No!’” — SETH MEYERS“Trump really thought he could get away with throwing out the vote. He told people at the D.O.J., ‘You guys aren’t following the internet the way I do,’ which I assume means they aren’t Googling ‘Mushroom penis normal?’ over and over again.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Fortunately, lawyers at the Department of Justice threatened to resign en masse if he replaced the attorney general, who refused to do his dirty work, with one of his cronies, who presumably would. He’s such a Karen, isn’t he? ‘Let me speak to the attorney general! He won’t? Well, does he have a supervisor? Put him on the phone!’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Of course, there was no acknowledgment of this attempted coup — and that’s what it was — from his fellow Republicans. Senator Chuck Grassley’s office this morning issued the G.O.P. version of the report, which says, and I quote: ‘Trump listened to his senior advisers and he followed their advice and recommendations,’ which is a nice way of saying he wanted to overthrow the government but the lawyers wouldn’t let him do it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But that’s how close we came. Trump tried every avenue he could think of: the courts, the states, the vice president, the Justice Department. He’s like the guy in gridlock traffic who keeps switching lanes, and then throws his hands up when it doesn’t work.” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Raise the Roof Edition)“We almost didn’t have a government to save, thanks to former President The Big Lie-bowski.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“As I mentioned, Congress has reached a deal to raise the debt ceiling for two months. I’ll tell you what I think: Just do what Netflix does and raise the ceiling a little bit each month so nobody notices.” — JIMMY FALLON“Woo! Raise the financial roof!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This means America will remain solvent and free from financial calamity. Until Dec. 3.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingMadonna answered all of Jimmy Fallon’s burning questions on “The Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutJovani Furlan, photographed virtually via FaceTime, keeping in dancing shape in Joinville, in Brazil. Three New York City Ballet dancers reflect on not being able to perform during the pandemic and how it feels to return to the stage. More

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      Seth Meyers Breaks Down Facebook’s Very Bad Week

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      “It’s the kind of week you normally post about on Facebook,” Meyers said on Wednesday night.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Face-OffLate-night hosts continued to weigh in Wednesday night on Facebook’s horrible, no good, very bad week.“It’s the kind of week you normally post about on Facebook,” Meyers said, adding that the social media giant had it even worse than the Yankees, who lost their wild-card game Tuesday and were knocked out of the baseball playoffs.“Here’s the thing. Facebook is like a pocketknife: You can use it to peel an apple or stab a janitor at school.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Speaking of destroying America, Mark Zuckerberg is pushing back after the bombshell testimony from a whistle-blower who gave Congress insight into what her former employer is up to. Zuckerberg fired back last night with the longest Facebook post ever recorded. This post was so long, I thought my Aunt Fran wrote it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The whistle-blower, Frances Haugen, claimed, among other things, that Facebook prioritizes angry posts — they get the most traction. Zuckerberg rejected those claims in an angry post.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Up until now, Zuckerberg has been silent about a whistle-blower revealing that Facebook has misled the public about the negative effects of its platforms on children and teens, especially young girls, and that Facebook’s mechanics further the spread of misinformation. That’s why I’m not on Facebook. I get my news from a more reliable source: pantsless guy on the subway.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Zuck actually posted a statement defending Facebook against charges that their algorithm encourages conflict, explaining, ‘I don’t know any tech company that sets out to build products that make people angry.’ Really? I do — it’s called cnn.com. Why is the video embedded in the article not about the article? If I click a link about the Albuquerque Balloon Festival, I don’t want to watch a video where Van Jones sits down with undecided voters after watching the same Humira ad twice!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And it is, to say the least, not good that what amounts to a global public utility is controlled by one massive, secretive international conglomerate. It’s like finding out that all the drinking water in the world is controlled by some company called ‘Aqua Buds’ and it’s run by one weird little dude who created the company out of revenge because none of the cute girls at this college would give him a glass of water: ‘Oh, I’ll show them. I’ll show them all! Who’s thirsty now, Courtney?’” — SETH MEYERSThe Punchiest Punchlines (Anyone Else Edition)“Well, get this — apparently New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has been telling people that he’s going to run for governor of New York next year. New Yorkers heard and were like, ‘Please, anyone else.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Then Rudy Giuliani was like, ‘What about me?’ and New York was like, ‘OK, maybe not anyone else.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Here’s the deal: de Blasio is reportedly possibly running for New York governor. There’s still a lot of unknowns: what his platform is, what his announcement date is, and what he’s smoking.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Apparently, de Blasio has been sounding out trusted former aides about their interest in working on a potential campaign. His only hope is that they don’t remember his presidential campaign, when he finished 47th behind Michael Bennet and a Roomba with googly eyes.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingTrevor Noah spoke to Monica Lewinsky about her new documentary, “15 Minutes of Shame,” on Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightMadonna will pop by Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutJeremy Strong, left, with Nicholas Braun, in the HBO comedy-drama “Succession.” David M. Russell/HBO“There’s a trying to Greg that’s really endearing and fun for me to play,” said Nicholas Braun, a star of “Succession,” which returns with Season 3 on Oct. 17. More

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      Stephen Colbert Spoils Stephanie Grisham’s Tell-All Tidbits

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      Colbert joked that the former White House press secretary had titled her Trump tell-all “I Just Recently Grew a Spine.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Too Little Too LateStephen Colbert lamented having to drudge up Donald Trump again on Tuesday night.“No matter how hard I try not to, sometimes the news forces me to talk about our former president, Scrooge McSchmuck,” Colbert said.This week, the topic was Stephanie Grisham’s new tell-all about her time working in the Trump White House, and Colbert said he wanted to spoil all the juicy bits so as not to give her a sales boost.“Stephanie Grisham worked in the White House for four years, and as press secretary, she famously never gave a single press conference. But now she’s spilling all the tea in her new book, ‘I Just Recently Grew a Spine.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“In the book, Grisham uses a lot of colorful language to describe the administration, calling it ‘a clown car on fire running at full speed into a warehouse full of fireworks.’ Or as Fox News would put it, ‘a brave band of flaming harlequins rushing patriotically into the explosive jaws of danger.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yeah, just a reminder: She knew all about the fiery clown car and she still called shotgun for four years.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Grisham goes on to write, ‘I can give you endless metaphors: living in a house that was always on fire, or in an insane asylum where you couldn’t tell the difference between the patients and the attendants, or on a roller coaster that never stopped.’ Ooh, ooh, let me try: Being in his administration is like sliding blindfolded down a 50-foot razor blade into a tub of gin. It’s like walking through a minefield led by a baby trying to change his own diaper. Driving a manure truck over a cliff into a pit of other manure trucks. Deep-sea diving surrounded by sharks who won’t shut up about winning Wisconsin.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Facebook Fallout Edition)“Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you tonight from a room full of warriors. Heroes. Survivors. Forget World War II, this is the greatest generation, because yesterday, every single person in this room had to dig down deep within themselves and find the strength to make it through Facebook’s six-hour worldwide outage.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Facebook went offline yesterday for over six hours. Wow, they finally found something they couldn’t fix with horse paste.” — SETH MEYERS“Everyone’s parents came this close to joining TikTok.” — JIMMY FALLON“Besides Zuckerberg, it was also a rough time for conspiracy theorists because for conspiracy theorists, Facebook is basically their WebMD.” — JIMMY FALLON“Well, in a statement, Facebook said the cause of the problem was, quote, ‘configuration changes on the backbone routers.’ Then they continued, ‘which caused the frontbone flexbox to dislodge the tungle switch and toggle the pixel dock florpcord, which then jolted the compshank’s codedox’s popknob causing a triple spanx zip-donk.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Facebook said that no user data was compromised during the blackout. It was not a hack, all your information is safe with them: your age, your height, weight, eye color, blood type, your birth date, your hopes, your dreams, your kidneys — all totally secure in the Facebook vaults.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The blackout was followed by a devastating congressional panel investigation this morning. Democrats and Republicans in the Senate finally found something they can agree on: They both hate Facebook.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“That’s right, today, a Facebook whistle-blower testified for more than three hours in front of Congress and said some pretty damaging things. That’s right, the whistle-blower said Facebook has repeatedly misled the public and that is not OK. We already have an app for misleading the public — it’s called Tinder.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Bits Worth WatchingJames Corden and his staff debated who among them would win in a fight.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe cast of the Netflix dystopian hit “Squid Game” will appear on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutWith “In These Silent Days,” Brandi Carlile reaffirms her ambitions and polishes them, too.Ricardo Nagaoka for The New York TimesBrandi Carlile’s seventh album, “In These Silent Days,” braves the extremes of her songwriting. More

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      Stephen Colbert Kicks Facebook While It’s Down

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      “As the panic grew, Facebook did not say what might be causing the outage. Now, I’m no computer expert, but my theory is a just god?” Colbert joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Face(book) DownFacebook, Instagram and WhatsApp were down for several hours on Monday.“So if you wanted to share photos, you had to go door-to-door with Polaroids of your brunch,” Stephen Colbert joked.Colbert mocked audience members who admitted to trying to reload their accounts throughout the day, telling them to “seek help.”“For hours, users were left in suspense about whether their second cousin thinks the vaccine gives your pancreas Wi-Fi.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“People started noticing something was wrong this morning when they felt happy for more than 30 minutes.” — JAMES CORDEN“As the panic grew, Facebook did not say what might be causing the outage. Now, I’m no computer expert, but my theory is a just god?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, clearly, this is the day the machines have risen up and are taking over, but don’t panic: They only know our thoughts, feelings, family, friends, location, facial patterns and banking data.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Meanwhile, people who couldn’t use Instagram spent the day posting their weekend pumpkin-patch selfies on LinkedIn.” — JIMMY FALLON“It was so bad that the only way Facebook could let the world know what was going on — and this is true — was by posting a message on Twitter. ” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That must hurt. Facebook communicating problems on Twitter? That’s like Burger King running out of fries and having to announce it on a Big Mac.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Social Outing Edition)“Yes, Facebook’s entire site crashed. They were like, ‘Oh, my god, this is the best press we’ve had in months!’” — JIMMY FALLON“Facebook was only down for a day and in that short time, everyone got the vaccine.” — JIMMY FALLON“Before Facebook, I had no problems with any of my aunts or uncles. It was all — all birthday checks in the mail.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I gotta check out Facebook one of these days. I hear bad things.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“With no social media, I ended up spending most of the day talking to my son. He’s really nice!” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingThe “Daily Show” correspondent Dulcé Sloan argued with New Yorkers over trivial things like pizza, golf and reality television in her new segment “Prove Me Wrong.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightQueen Latifah will pop by Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This Out“If you can’t eat and enjoy food,” Stanley Tucci said, “how are you going to enjoy everything else?”Charlotte Hadden for The New York TimesThe actor Stanley Tucci has a new career as a foodie. More

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      Late Night Recaps This Year’s Congressional Baseball Game

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      “It was just baseball, no politics, until the Republican catcher went nuts about having to wear a mask,” Jimmy Fallon said on Thursday night.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Buy Me Some PeanutsDespite this week’s turmoil in Washington, including the threat of a government shutdown, the annual Congressional Baseball Game went ahead as scheduled, with President Biden and Speaker Nancy Pelosi among the spectators.“It was just baseball, no politics, until the Republican catcher went nuts about having to wear a mask,” Jimmy Fallon joked on Thursday night.“It was a real nail-biter. In the eighth inning, I got a text from Pelosi saying, ‘We’re down by one run and only your donation of $26 can turn this around.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But Pelosi had to work the phone instead of watching what I’m sure was a terrible baseball game. You think regular baseball is slow, imagine what it’s like with these bozos.” — SETH MEYERS“President Biden stopped by for the game, although it was a little creepy when he left by disappearing into a cornfield.” — JIMMY FALLON“He also spent some of the game working the phones, and then Biden left the park about an hour after he arrived. That has big absent dad vibes: [imitating Biden] ‘You look great out there, kiddo. Daddy’s just on a work call.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And while he was there, he handed out ice cream bars with the presidential seal on the package. I scream, you scream, we all scream, ‘Can you get back to work, Joe?’” — JAMES CORDEN“The Republicans beat the Democrats 13-12, but only because Kyrsten Sinema refused to tag anyone out.” — SETH MEYERS“The Dems had a chance for a big win, but in the bottom of the ninth, Joe Manchin wrote a letter cautioning that it would be irresponsible to score.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Free Britney Edition)“All right, let’s move on to some news about Britney Spears: formerly a girl, yet currently a woman.” — TREVOR NOAH“Jamie Spears, her father, is vacating his daughter’s conservatorship to focus on his true passion, trying to jump an ATV over his aboveground pool.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It has been 13 years since a court put her under a conservatorship, which means she can’t spend her own money, she can’t make her own career or medical decisions and she can’t even choose her own fighter in ‘Super Smash Bros.’ She just has to be Diddy Kong every single time!” — TREVOR NOAH“And props to her fans for making this happen. Because you know who really was ahead of the curve? That ‘Leave Britney alone’ person. Yeah, at the time, we were like, ‘Whoa, that’s a little over the top!’ And now we’re like, ‘Yo, let’s put this [expletive] on the Supreme Court.’” — TREVOR NOAH“I mean, Britney Spears is worth $60 million, yes — but she doesn’t need a conservator. You know who does? People with $60 billion. Those people are out of control. I mean, name one thing Britney has done that’s as wasteful and just, like, mindless as going into space in a giant penis.” — TREVOR NOAHThe Bits Worth WatchingChloe Fineman of “Saturday Night Live” performed several spur-of-the-moment impressions on “The Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutDaniel Craig in “No Time to Die,” which was delayed a few times because of the pandemic. “I’m so desperate for people just to see it and hopefully for them to like it,” he said.Nicola Dove/MGMDaniel Craig says goodbye to James Bond with “No Time to Die.” More

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      Late Night Hits Trump With Colonoscopy Jokes

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      A new book by a former White House press secretary said that the former president feared late night hosts would poke fun at him if he went under for the medical procedure.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘They Had to Film It in Imax’A new book by the former White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham, “I’ll Take Your Questions Now,” revealed some fun facts about Donald J. Trump on Tuesday. One of the biggest bombshells was about the former president’s mysterious visit to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in 2019, which Grisham said was for a colonoscopy that Trump stayed conscious for, in part to keep late night television hosts from finding out and making fun of him.“I have to say, it gives me a lot of satisfaction, as a late night talk show host, to know that he opted to stay awake while they augered his innards with a sewer snake specifically because he didn’t want us making fun of him,” Jimmy Kimmel said.Kimmel said he felt cheated, finding out such vital information so late in the game: “Because when a president, especially this president, gets a colonoscopy, it is my duty — that’s right, duty — to make jokes about it.”“The president’s doctor decided to schedule this procedure after the White House toilet killed itself.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It took a while because the doctor kept accidentally sticking the camera in his mouth.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“As soon as they switched the camera on, Trump turned around and said ‘Hey doc, how are the ratings?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Afterward, the whole medical team kept saying, ‘Wow, what an unbelievable [expletive].” — JIMMY KIMMEL“The doctors said the hardest thing about giving Trump a colonoscopy was getting the camera around Mike Pence’s nose.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Yeah, colonoscopy was no big deal — they only found three polyps and Rudy Giuliani.” — JIMMY FALLON“Well, sure, with this president, they had to film it in Imax.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Oh, my God, that had to be terrible — for the doctor who had to give a colonoscopy while the guy on the table kept screaming about how he won Michigan.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (The ‘Music Man’ Edition)“The book also says a White House official known as the ‘Music Man’ would play Trump his favorite show tunes like ‘Memory’ from ‘Cats’ to pull him from the brink of rage. It makes sense because Trump’s presidency is exactly like ‘Cats’ — awkward, bizarre and no one had any idea what the hell was going on.” — JIMMY FALLON“And if they wanted to drive him to the brink of rage, they’d show him the movie ‘Cats.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yep, Trump listened to ‘Cats’ to cheer himself up while the rest of his staff remained ‘Les Misérables.’” — JIMMY FALLON“One thing I know for sure: Some day, when Ryan Murphy eventually makes an ‘American Crime Story’ about the Trump White House, I am definitely playing the ‘Music Man.’” — JAMES CORDENThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Tuesday’s “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell,” the “Late Night” writers Amber Ruffin and Jenny Hagel poke fun at white neighborhoods and gay dating apps.What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightStephen Colbert will welcome Anita Hill to Wednesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutJocelyn Nicole Johnson, a public school art teacher for 20 years, is the author of “My Monticello.” Matt Eich for The New York TimesAt 50, Jocelyn Nicole Johnson saw her debut collection, “My Monticello,” publish to great acclaim, and she also scored a Netflix deal. More