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      Ronny Chieng Is Sad to See Nikki Haley Go

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      “The Daily Show” guest host bemoaned that Haley dropped out after President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump crushed Super Tuesday “like it was an audition for a Life Alert commercial.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Same Old, Same OldNikki Haley dropped out of the presidential race on Wednesday after President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump dominated Super Tuesday elections.“No! The baby boomer death grip continues,” Ronny Chieng said while hosting Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”“So it’s now officially Trump and Biden. They crushed the primaries like it was an audition for a Life Alert commercial.” — RONNY CHIENG“Yep, now it’s pretty much certain that we’re going to have a rematch between Biden and Trump. At this point, the only thing that can stop them is a flight of stairs.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, after the results came in, both guys threw big victory parties with confetti made from shredded classified documents.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Nikki Haley Edition)“Presidential candidate Nikki Haley announced today that she is ending her campaign for the Republican nomination. Well, she’s a reasonable person. You don’t have to tell her 16 times.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, Nikki Haley is ending her presidential campaign. But, as an olive branch, Melania has offered her first lady.” — SETH MEYERS“But here’s the good news for Haley. She’s only 52, which means she can run for president at least eight more times.” — JIMMY FALLON“No! Don’t quit now, Nikki! You were only 80,000 delegates behind!” — RONNY CHIENG“If you drop out, who will little girls without any principles, convictions or charisma look up to?” — RONNY CHIENGThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Wednesday’s “Late Show,” Ariel Elias shared a story of her comedy stand-up set going viral.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightRicky Martin will promote his Trilogy Tour with Enrique Iglesias and Pitbull on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutTop, Colman Domingo, left, as the title character in “Rustin” and the real Bayard Rustin; center, Leonard Bernstein, left, and Bradley Cooper as the conductor.Clockwise from top left: Netflix; Eddie Adams/Associated Press; Jason McDonald/Netflix; Nicole Bengiveno/The New York Times; Liz Parkinson/Netflix; Associated PressMaking biopics can be complicated by input from real people whose lives are recreated onscreen. More

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      Late Night Finds Super Tuesday Super Predictable

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      “Spoiler: It’s Biden/Trump,” Stephen Colbert said. “It’s always been Biden/Trump. It will always be Biden/Trump.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Spoiler AlertSuper Tuesday all but solidified that the 2024 presidential race will be between President Biden and former President Donald J. Trump.“Spoiler: It’s Biden/Trump,” Stephen Colbert said. “It’s always been Biden/Trump. It will always be Biden/Trump.”“In a recent poll, almost 50 percent of respondents said they believe ‘it is likely Democrats will replace Biden with another candidate before the election.’ No. No, they won’t. It’s Trump versus Biden. Stop making up election fan fic.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But the president is not out there fighting alone. Oh, no. He is backed by Joe Biden’s superfans, many of them older, and most of them women. That’s right. Taylor’s got the Swifties, Beyoncé’s got the Bey-hive, but Joe’s got the early bird special.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Super Tuesday Edition)“Today was Super Tuesday, where 16 states and one territory got together and held an intervention for Nikki Haley.” — SETH MEYERS“Taylor Swift got on Instagram and encouraged her 282 million followers to vote. Yeah, which backfired when everyone voted for the blank space.” — JIMMY FALLON“Now, there’s one thing that could still drive voter turnout today, and that’s that Taylor Swift told her 282 million Instagram followers to vote in Super Tuesday’s primaries but refrained from endorsing any specific candidates or political party. We haven’t seen a celebrity take a stance this boldly neutral since Rob Lowe went to an N.F.L. game with a hat that said ‘N.F.L.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJordan Klepper asked Nikki Haley supporters to choose between Biden and Donald Trump on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightThe Oscar nominated actress Annette Bening will sit down with Seth Meyers on Wednesday’s “Late Night.”Also, Check This OutElim Chan, who came to global attention when she won the Donatella Flick Conducting Competition, is about to make her New York Philharmonic debut.Lanna Apisukh for The New York TimesThe first woman to win a prestigious conducting contest, Elim Chan, will make her debut at the New York Philharmonic this week. More

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      Stephen Colbert Has a Few Questions for the Supreme Court

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      Colbert joked that justices were “again shoving their gavels up the election” by ruling that former President Donald Trump can appear on all state ballots in 2024.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘The Only Place Where Trump Can Win the Popular Vote’On Monday, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that former President Donald Trump can appear on all 2024 election ballots.Stephen Colbert said the justices were “once again shoving their gavels up the election.”“Yes, the Supreme Court knows you can’t just let states decide who goes on their ballots,” Colbert said. “States are too busy deciding that life begins in the freezer section, next to the pearl onions.”“The majority says that disqualifying a candidate for insurrection can only occur when Congress passes legislation. OK, quick question: If Congress does decide to pass that legislation to disqualify a candidate for insurrection, what if he sends his mob to storm Congress to stop them from passing that legislation? Does that count as insurrection? Or do they have to pass more legislation about that before the next mob shows up? I’m just asking because, clearly, you guys haven’t put any thought into any of this stuff.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“That’s right, the Supreme Court ruled that states cannot keep Trump off their ballots, which means that the Supreme Court remains the only place where Trump can win the popular vote.” — SETH MEYERS“Speaking of former President Trump, today the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that Colorado is not allowed to remove him from the 2024 ballot. Then out of habit, Trump immediately appealed the decision. He’s like, ‘This is a witch — oh, wait a minute, OK.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump celebrated the ruling, calling it a big win for America. That’s also what he said when McDonald’s brought back the McRib.” — JIMMY FALLON“Let that be a lesson to all you out there who might be thinking about subverting the Constitution in a presidential election. You go, boy!” — JON STEWARTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Rally Flubs Edition)“Donald Trump had two rallies this weekend, one in Virginia and one in North Carolina. But the two speeches had one unifying theme: His brain is broke.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Suddenly, Trump turned into a Spice Girl: ‘I really want to zig-a-zay ah.’ It sounded like his brain got a flat.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Stephen Colbert Declares the Supreme Court Unconstitutional

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      Aggravated by the latest delay in Donald Trump’s election subversion trial, Colbert unleashed “the power vested in me as a late-night host” against the court.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘The Thrilling Conclusion of America’On Wednesday, the Supreme Court agreed to hear Donald Trump’s claim that he’s immune from prosecution on charges of plotting to overturn the 2020 election. One result is that the trial will be further delayed.“These proceedings have been frozen for so long they legally count as children in Alabama,” Stephen Colbert said on Thursday’s “Late Show.”“Kind of weird that SCOTUS feels the need to consider whether or not laws exist.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This is what happens when we let an extra from ‘Home Alone 2’ pick three Supreme Court justices.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“And it gets worse — because the oral arguments are in April, but court watchers don’t expect a decision until June. And the trial judge has promised the defense 88 days after that to prepare, meaning the trial could now be delayed until late September or October, plunging the proceedings into the heart of the election. That is terrible news for democracy, but fantastic news for television. All of the plotlines will come together at once for the thrilling conclusion of America.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The Supreme Court gains all of its legitimacy and all of its power from public approval. They don’t have an army or a police force or, apparently, an H.R. department; they have to rely on moral authority. But they have abdicated that moral authority, which is why, tonight, using the power vested in me as a late-night host, I am hereby declaring the Supreme Court unconstitutional.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Fit for Duty Edition)“Yesterday, President Biden had his annual physical exam, and good news: He’s alive! Jon Stewart, you owe me five bucks! Pay up!” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The White House physician wrote a summary of the president’s health and said Joe Biden is ‘fit for duty’ and described him as ‘healthy, active, and robust.’ In stark contrast with the former president, who is unhealthy, inactive, and ro-busted.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“When asked about his mental state, the doctor said, ‘The president is in healthy physical condition.’” — JIMMY FALLON“We also got a list of all the medications Joe Biden takes for allergies, blood pressure and heartburn. They’re all pretty common — Eliquis, Crestor, Dymista, Allegra, Pepcid, and Nexium. Thanks, Joe! I believe that’s every one of our sponsors.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingDulcé Sloan declared Feb. 29 to be Black Women’s History Day on “The Daily Show.”Also, Check This OutGordon has long had a way of sneaking cultural and political ideas into music without coming off as didactic or overly earnest.Molly Matalon for The New York TimesAt 70, Kim Gordon has a new album out, “The Collective,” and it’s reaching new fans on TikTok. More

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      Late Night Speculates About Mitch McConnell’s Next Career Move

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      The senator is giving up his G.O.P. leadership post. “McConnell just turned 82, so that can only mean one thing: He’s running for president,” Jimmy Fallon said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Leaving So Soon?On Wednesday, Mitch McConnell of Kentucky said he would step down this year from his long-held position as leader of the Senate Republicans.“McConnell just turned 82, so that can only mean one thing: He’s running for president,” said Jimmy Fallon.“McConnell said that it’s time for the next generation of leadership. Then he looked around the Senate and realized the next generation is 75.” — JIMMY FALLON“Well, thanks to the woke left, another Confederate statue has been taken down.” — SETH MEYERS“He’s not stepping down till November because, at 82, that’s how long it takes him to step.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“He will be retiring to the Galápagos Islands to spend more time with the other 500-year-old turtles.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Low-Rent Wonka Edition)“Last weekend in Glasgow, a Willy Wonka-inspired experience was brought to a halt following complaints it was ‘an absolute shambles of an event’ after families traveled from all over, paying $40 a ticket for an ‘exhilarating and immersive adventure’ called Willy’s Chocolate Experience. Still better than the English attraction: Spotted Dick’s Custard Explosion.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“But when people showed up, they found something very different from what they found on the website. What they found was basically a big empty warehouse with vinyl backdrops tacked to the wall. They got to see Willy Wonka’s famous portable power generator, and they got to meet what appears to be a meth lab Oompa Loompa.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Parents were very upset. They called the police on the place. I have to say, though, honestly, I feel like the kids learned an important lesson about how disappointing the rest of their lives are going to be.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Look, I don’t know why everyone is so upset that the kids were traumatized. Have you seen the movie? Traumatizing kids is the authentic Wonka experience!” — MICHAEL KOSTA, guest host of “The Daily Show”The Bits Worth WatchingOn “Late Night,” Seth Meyers recapped his highly publicized ice cream shop visit with President Biden, in a segment Meyers referred to this time as “A Closer Lick.”What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightEugene Levy, who gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame next week, will appear on Thursday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live!”Also, Check This OutRichard Lewis on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” this season.HBOIn one of his last interviews, the late Richard Lewis reminisced about the early days of “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” and about meeting Larry David when they were children at summer camp. More

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      Late Night Chides Biden for Talking About Gaza While Eating Ice Cream

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      “Not the most dignified way to deliver world-changing news,” Michael Kosta said on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.’Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Biden’s Big ScoopOn Monday, President Biden was asked about a timeline for a potential cease-fire in Gaza while visiting an ice cream shop for a “Late Night with Seth Meyers” segment.On Tuesday, the “Daily Show” host Michael Kosta said Biden had delivered his response “in the most Joe Biden way possible” — that is, while eating an ice cream cone.“Not the most dignified way to deliver world-changing news. It does remind me of the photo of Obama’s team watching the bin Laden raid while making balloon animals.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“This was like when Obama announced ‘We got bin Laden’ just as someone put out the pie.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s a very statesmanlike response, and a reason to kindle hope, if he hadn’t said it directly into a scoop of mint chip.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“I’ll tell you what, if I was a politician, I would always have an ice cream with me, just to cram in my mouth in case I got asked about Israel-Palestine.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Now, despite Biden’s prediction, both Hamas and Israel say they’re not actually close to a cease-fire. But I’m not surprised that Biden was so optimistic: When you’re holding a freshly scooped ice cream cone, everything feels like it’s going to be OK. That’s why it’s the official food of telling your kid you’re getting a divorce.” — MICHAEL KOSTAThe Punchiest Punchlines (Biden and Trump Take Mexico Edition)“Biden and Trump are scheduled to visit the border in Texas on Thursday. Both of them. They will both be at the border. And if they can get two more senior citizens to go with them, they’ve got themselves a pickleball match.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Former President Trump is set on Thursday to visit the U.S.-Mexico border. I’m guessing to make a break for it?” — SETH MEYERS“If you think these two guys are confused now, wait till they spend a few hours in 100-degree heat.” — JIMMY FALLON“The president is going to see what can be done to solve the border crisis. Trump is going to make sure he doesn’t solve what’s happening at the border. Biden is planning to meet with U.S. border agents, while Trump is planning to sell golden high-tops on the streets of Juárez.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingJosh Brolin took over Stephen Colbert’s desk on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightSheryl Crow will perform on Wednesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”Also, Check This OutOlivia Rodrigo onstage in California on Friday night.OK McCausland for The New York TimesFor her Guts World Tour, Olivia Rodrigo’s opening acts will range from the rising star Chappell Roan to the Gen-X rockers the Breeders. More

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      Jon Stewart Takes on ‘Something Light’: Israel and Gaza

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      After two “very controversial” appearances behind the “Daily Show” desk, Stewart decided to dial it down a bit for his third.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Something LightFor his third time back behind the desk of “The Daily Show,” Jon Stewart said things would be different from the first two, which he said had been “very controversial.”“A lot of discourse around it. A lot of carping back and forth. A lot of anger. A lot of commentary,” Stewart said. “Tonight, I’m done with it. Tonight is perhaps an amuse-bouche. A trifle. Something light!” That turned out to be the war in Gaza.After a “Middle East Conflict Disclaimer Cam” advised viewers that the following discussion was “not meant to endorse or justify either side,” Stewart dove in — calling out Israel for killing civilians, Hamas for calling for Israel’s annihilation, and the United States and the rest of the world for not stopping the suffering. He also floated a few peace proposals of his own.“Look, the United States is Israel’s closest ally. Israel’s big brother in the fraternity of nations. Israel’s work emergency contact. Maybe it’s time for the U.S. to give Israel some tough moral love.” — JON STEWART“‘Hey, Israel, take it down a notch. Could you please be more careful with your bombing?’ is good advice. But really, couldn’t the United States have told Israel that when we gave them all the bombs? They’re our bombs! This is like your coke dealer coming over with an eight ball and going, ‘Don’t stay up all night.’” — JON STEWART“Let’s just ask God. It’s his house! He’s the one who started all this! Just ask God. He can tell us who is right! Is it the Jews? Is it the Muslims? Is it the Zoroastrians? If it’s the Scientologists, a lot of us are going to have egg on our faces.” — JON STEWART“I actually think this last one could work. Starting now: no preconditions, no earned trust, no partners for peace. Israel stops bombing. Hamas releases the hostages. The Arab countries who claim Palestine is their top priority come in and form a Demilitarized Zone between Israel and a free Palestinian state. The Saudis, Egypt, U.A.E., Qatar, Jordan — they all form like a NATO arrangement guaranteeing security for both sides. Obviously, they won’t call it NATO — it’s the Middle East Treaty Organization. It’s METO.” — JON STEWARTThe Punchiest Punchlines (In It to Win It Edition)“This weekend, former President Trump won the Republican primary by 20 points in Nikki Haley’s home state of South Carolina. But Haley is still refusing to drop out of the race. Say what you want about her, but she’s really earning that participation trophy.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, Trump won South Carolina by 20 points. They like him down there. He looks like a guy who fell asleep on Myrtle Beach, doesn’t he?” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump actually had two versions of his speech — a victory speech in case he won, and a victory speech in case he lost.” — JIMMY FALLONWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Late Night Recaps Trump’s Double-Trouble Trial Day

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      “The only way to follow all of the action was to have multiple TVs,” Stephen Colbert said. “That’s why I watched all the proceedings today at a Buffalo Wild Wings.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.‘An Insane Day for America’Former President Donald Trump had two simultaneous criminal trials on Thursday: one in New York regarding falsified business records and another in Georgia pertaining to election interference.Stephen Colbert called it “an insane day for America, because it’s a regular day for Donald Trump.” He reminded viewers that in addition to those two cases and a civil fraud trial, the former president was “also facing the Jan. 6 trial in Washington D.C., the classified documents case in Florida, Colorado trying to throw him off the ballot for insurrection, and his appeal of the verdict of the E. Jean Carroll defamation case, in which a jury has already found that Trump committed sexual assault.”He concluded, “And yet, despite all this, people want to hire this maniac to be president.”“I know how numb we’ve become, but it’s not normal. No other candidate for the presidency has ever had to pause his campaign to defend himself in multiple courts. And I’d like to point out that in all seven of his cases, no one — no one — doubts that he did these things. We’re just sitting around patiently waiting to find out if the wheels of justice will grind fast enough for there to be any consequences.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“And the media is covering it like it’s any other political story, like it’s all horse race. But in this horse race, one of the horses is old, while one of the horses is old, has hoof-in-mouth disease, and keeps quoting horse Hitler.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“This morning, Don Trump was back in the warm embrace of the American judicial system, the only place that truly loves and appreciates him.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“This is his version of uniting the country: criminal trials in the North and the South.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump unsuccessfully tried to get his trial in New York dismissed today, while he is also trying to get the prosecutor in Georgia dismissed. It’s a regular Dismiss America pageant that he’s running.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“It’s never good when you’re summoned to court and you’re, like, ‘I can’t, I have court.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump didn’t attend the Georgia hearing, and I get it — it’s so annoying getting invited to a destination trial.” — JIMMY FALLON“The only way to follow all of the action was to have multiple TVs. That’s why I watched all the proceedings today at a Buffalo Wild Wings.” — STEPHEN COLBERTWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More