Late Night with Seth Meyers (TV Program)

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      Jordan Klepper Teases Trump for Shilling Bibles

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      “How does that thing not burst into flames immediately?” Klepper joked of Donald Trump’s “latest very classy business venture” on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.’Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Trump’s Latest Mash-UpOn Tuesday, former President Donald Trump released a video on Truth Social, plugging his “God Bless the USA Bible” for $60.“The Daily Show” guest host Jordan Klepper called the move Trump’s “latest very classy business venture.”“How does that thing not burst into flames immediately?” — JORDAN KLEPPER“Yes, Trump is mashing together the Bible and the Constitution like it’s a Pizza Hut-Taco Bell.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“I know people will say that you’re not supposed to mix the Bible and the Constitution, but what you have to understand is Trump has never read either of them.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“If we step back and look at this, Trump getting into business with God can only mean one thing: God is going to end up bankrupt and serving a three-month prison sentence for lying under oath.” — JORDAN KLEPPER“I mean, what’s amazing about this is that Trump just made $5 billion on his new stock. Buddy, you’re not supposed to be doing this embarrassing grifter [expletive] when you’re that rich. Just start a private space company like a normal billionaire sociopath.” — JORDAN KLEPPERThe Punchiest Punchlines (Corinthian Leather Edition)“I like how they made the Bible the exact color of his skin. Yeah, that’s interesting. Corinthian — Corinthian leather.” — JIMMY FALLON“[imitating Trump] It’s my favorite book right after ‘Captain Underpants’ and the Cheesecake Factory menu.” — JIMMY FALLON“Trump is just like Christ. The Pharisees despised Jesus because Jesus had all of that prime Dead Sea-front property. Jesus was a brilliant capitalist. He’s buying lepers at rock-bottom prices, healing them, then flipping them for big denarii. We all know how he got an initial round of funding: selling golden sandals.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingKristen Stewart gave Seth Meyers a lesbian makeover while day drinking on Tuesday’s “Late Night.”What We’re Excited About on Wednesday NightJerry Seinfeld will sit down with Jimmy Fallon on Wednesday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutJenny Slate in her new special, “Seasoned Professional.”Amazon Prime VideoSix comedy specials from seasoned comics — Tig Notaro, Jenny Slate, Dan Soder, Cara Connors, David Cross and Dave Attell — are now available on streaming. More

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      Late Night Doesn’t Think Trump’s Good News Is All That Good

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      “It’s the first time someone’s ever heard, ‘Good news, you only owe $175 million,’” Jimmy Fallon said after the ex-president’s bond was reduced.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The $175 Million LifelineOn Monday, a New York appeals court reduced Donald Trump’s bond in his civil fraud case — originally set at $454 million — to a mere $175 million. He has 10 days to come up with it.“It’s the first time someone’s ever heard, ‘Good news, you only owe $175 million,’” Jimmy Fallon said.“After his lawyers argued last week that he did not have the money for the $454 million bond in his civil fraud case, former President Trump posted in all caps on Truth Social, ‘I currently have almost $500 million in cash.’ Dude, they’re trying to help you. That’s like if O.J. tweeted, ‘The glove fits great.’” — SETH MEYERS“He’s not a real rich guy; he just plays one on TV. Donald Trump has a billion dollars the same way Patrick Stewart has a spaceship.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Having 10 days to come up with $175 million doesn’t sound like good news; it sounds like the plot to a Jason Statham movie.” — JIMMY FALLON“In addition to cutting the bond by more than half and giving him an extension, the appeals court paused restrictions on Trump running any New York company or obtaining a loan from a New York bank, as well as the restrictions on his adult sons, which means now Don Jr. and Eric can still open their hot dog and cocaine cart.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Golf Edition)“Now, with all this going on, yesterday Donald Trump kept laser-focused on what’s most important to this struggling nation: golf.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Yesterday, he posted online about winning his own golf tournament. After winning, he was honored to receive a congratulatory phone call from himself.” — JIMMY FALLON“That’s right, woke libs! You think Donald Trump’s a loser? Well, would a loser brag about winning a golf tournament at his own course? I don’t think so!” — JON STEWART“Although, obviously, Trump has an advantage playing golf: It’s difficult for his opponents to stay focused when they spend all that time staring at that ass.” — JON STEWART“He truthed, ‘It is my great honor to be at Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach tonight, Awards Night, to receive the club championship trophy and the senior club championship trophy. I won both!’ Wow, he won both. You know what that means: Somebody else won both.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingThe blues and rock musician Gary Clark Jr. performed his song “Habits” on Monday’s “Daily Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe comedy legend Carol Burnett will appear on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”Also, Check This OutThe author Judith Butler ponders how gender became a scary topic in her latest book.Thirty-four years and 15 books after “Gender Trouble,” the theorist Judith Butler returns to familiar terrain with “Who’s Afraid of Gender?” More

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      Late Night Isn’t Shocked to See Trump Back in Court

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      ”What’s still a mystery is why a bunch of top secret documents were taken by a president who, by all accounts, does not read,” Jimmy Kimmel said.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Another Day in CourtFormer President Donald Trump appeared in a Florida courtroom on Thursday, where a federal judge rejected his motion to dismiss charges of mishandling classified documents against him.“The fun thing about these hearings is you don’t know if Trump is going to show up,” Jimmy Kimmel said. “He doesn’t have to come, but he sometimes — it’s like when you go on a boat, sometimes you see a whale, sometimes you don’t.”“Even when he’s not required to be there, just scowling at the defense table, storming out of the courtroom, and holding impromptu press conferences while he’s penned in by barricades like a balloon before the start of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.” — SETH MEYERS“You’re not supposed to love being in court this much. The only person I can think of who spent this much time in court is Judge Judy, and look how mad she is.” — SETH MEYERS“This is a historic case. Not only is it the first time a former president has been charged with illegally removing and withholding classified documents; it’s also the first time a former president used classified documents to decorate his bathroom.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Trump claims the documents were his to do with as he pleased. But his claim is complicated by the fact that they were not. They were not his to do with. What’s still a mystery is why a bunch of top secret documents were taken by a president who, by all accounts, does not read.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Badly Edition)“Yes, in terms of badly, Trump has been treated the badliest. Although maybe Lincoln was treated a little bit worse, what with being shot in the head and all? But I doubt he was on his deathbed saying, ‘At least I didn’t have a pee tape rumor.’” — DESI LYDIC of “The Daily Show,” on Trump saying that of all the presidents, “nobody’s been treated like Trump, in terms of badly” “Nobody’s been treated like Trump, in terms of badly, and Trump should be treated in terms of goodly.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, he said no president’s been treated worse. Yeah, even John Wilkes Booth is like, ‘Hold on.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Totally normal way to say that. Reminds me of my favorite Michael Jackson album, ‘In Terms of Badly.’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingJimmy Presnell interrupted Questlove and Tariq’s re-enactment of his tense moment from the “Love is Blind” reunion on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutJoy Woods, left, and Ryan Vasquez as the young adult incarnations of Allie and Noah in the musical “The Notebook” at the Gerald Schoenfeld Theater in Manhattan.Sara Krulwich/The New York TimesAttendees of the new stage musical based on the 2004 movie “The Notebook” can buy a box of tissues in the lobby for $5. More

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      Late Night Tackles the U.S. House Bill That Could Ban TikTok

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      “This is like iPhone ‘Footloose,’ and there’s no Kevin Bacon to save us,” Jimmy Kimmel joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.The Final CountdownOn Wednesday, the House passed a bill to ban TikTok in the United States unless the app’s parent company sells it to a non-Chinese owner in the next six months.“So now, the bill goes to the Senate, which means the fate of every tweenaged TikToker is in the hands of a bunch of old white people with Hotmail accounts,” Jimmy Kimmel said.“This is a big deal. This is like iPhone ‘Footloose,’ and there’s no Kevin Bacon to save us.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“But, yes, obviously, there is a problem with a Chinese app spying on Americans and feeding us propaganda. You want American apps doing that.” — MICHAEL KOSTA“Well, if you guys are worried about the Chinese gathering data on Americans, wait till you find out who makes the phones.” — SETH MEYERS“Only 50 Democrats and 15 Republicans voted ‘no.’ Three-hundred fifty-two voted ‘yes,’ which almost never happens anymore. Who would have guessed that this would be the thing that brings both sides together?” — JIMMY KIMMEL“I mean, Republicans voted against their own border bill because they were afraid it would make Joe Biden look good. They can’t even get it together to stand up to Vladimir Putin. But, by God, they will stand up to Charli D’Amelio and then some.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Just to give you an idea of the pull this app has, they did a poll, and half the people who use TikTok said they do believe it poses a threat to national security but they still use it and keep it on their phones. I guess at this point, what the hell, right? I mean, half the country supports a national security threat for president, might as well dance.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Well, apparently, both Democrats and Republicans are worried that China will steal the secrets of the tortilla slap.” — JIMMY FALLON“I don’t think we fully understand how crazy these kids are going to go if they kill TikTok. I mean, for teenagers today, losing TikTok is a bigger deal than losing your virginity. I’m not kidding, either. This is like taking away all of their imaginary friends at once.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Can you imagine if TikTok was banned? I mean, just picture lying down in bed and then actually going to bed, you know what I’m saying?” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Losing Teams Edition)“Apparently, R.F.K. Jr. is seriously considering Aaron Rodgers and Jesse Ventura as potential picks for vice president. Yep, Kennedy confirmed that Rodgers and Ventura are at the top of his list, which really makes you wonder who’s at the bottom.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yesterday, we learned that he is reportedly considering Aaron Rodgers for veep. Now that is a risky move to pick Rodgers, because if we’ve learned one thing, it’s that the minute he starts running, he’s going to snap his Achilles’.” — STEPHEN COLBERTWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Stephen Colbert Slams Former Special Counsel’s Conclusions

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      Colbert objected to Robert K. Hur calling President Biden a “well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory” in a report on the handling of classified documents.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Thanks for the MemoriesOn Tuesday, the former special counsel Robert K. Hur testified before the House Judiciary Committee, answering questions about his investigation into President Biden’s handling of classified documents. In his report, Hur referred to Biden as a “well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory.”“Yes, Biden has been dangerously forgetful, unlike Trump, who always remembers that he’s running against Obama, and unopposed, at that, since Nancy Pelosi dropped out,” Stephen Colbert said on his show Tuesday night.“Democrats were, like, ‘Well, that five days of momentum from the State of the Union was fun while it lasted.’” — JIMMY FALLON“That kind of assessment is sort of outside the normal job description of a special counsel. It’d be like your doctor saying, ‘Well, we ran some tests, Mr. Johnson, and your cholesterol looks very good, but I am worried about how ugly you are. I’m going to write you a prescription for bag over your head. Unlimited refills.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Hur refused to engage in hypotheticals, but today, he did release the full transcript of his interviews with the president, and, what do you know? It’s not as ‘old-man-forgets-a-lot’ as his summary made it out to be. At one point, Hur even complimented Biden’s memory, specifically saying: ‘You appear to have a photographic understanding and recall.’ So the exact opposite of his report summary. At this point, I’m worried about Hur’s cognitive ability. Did anyone ask him to identify a whale?’” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (Bye-Bye, TikTok Edition)“Angry TikTok users are reportedly calling congressional offices ahead of the week’s vote on a bipartisan bill that would ban the platform. Well, it’s more mature than what angry Facebook users did.” — SETH MEYERS, referring to Jan. 6“Banning one of the most popular social media apps in the entire world would set a huge precedent and have a massive impact on American life. Without TikTok, where else would I learn about actual trends like cooking chicken in NyQuil or future trends like calling the ambulance after someone cooks chicken in NyQuil?” — STEPHEN COLBERT“The bill is a response to fears that TikTok’s owner company, ByteDance, could share user data, such as browsing history, location and biometric identifiers, with China’s authoritarian government. Oh, God. China could spy on us or brainwash our youth with propaganda, or, worst of all, put us on a mailing list.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingWe are having trouble retrieving the article content.Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.Thank you for your patience while we verify access.Already a subscriber? Log in.Want all of The Times? Subscribe. More

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      Jimmy Kimmel Explains His Run-In (Sort of) With Trump at the Oscars

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      Why did Donald Trump go online during the Oscars to criticize Kimmel’s performance as host? Kimmel thinks he was upset because no one had mentioned his name. Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.OscarworthyFresh from hosting the Oscars on Sunday, Jimmy Kimmel detailed on Monday night how he’d come to poke fun in real time at one viewer: Donald Trump, who posted criticism of Kimmel’s performance during the broadcast. (“Isn’t it past your jail time?” Kimmel asked the ex-president from the stage.) “We were backstage, the show was almost over, and one of our writers was like, ‘Hey, look at this,’ and I was like, well, to quote Al Pacino, ‘Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in,’ and I had to read it,” Kimmel said.“Donald Trump — you remember that guy? He used to be, yeah — wrote ‘Has there ever been a worse host than Jimmy Kimmel at the Oscars? His opening was that of a less-than-average person trying too hard to be something which he is not and never can be.’ This was also his wedding toast to his son Eric, by the way.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“So after the show, almost everyone I ran into was asking me, ‘Was that real? Did Donald Trump really?’ It’s like yeah, of course, it was real. And it kind of tells you all you need know about Donald Trump.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“He wrote this because he was upset I didn’t mention him on the show, and no one mentioned him on the show. He wasn’t getting any attention. He couldn’t stand it. And so then the Adderall McFlurry kicked in, and he went right on.” — JIMMY KIMMEL“Funny — we had John Cena onstage naked, and somehow Trump still managed to be the biggest [expletive] of the night.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Punchiest Punchlines (Pushing the Envelope Edition)“‘Oppenheimer’ was the big winner, taking home seven awards, including Best Picture, while the award for Most Paused Picture went to John Cena.” — JIMMY FALLON“I mean, God bless, John. I could never do something like that. If I did, I’d win the Oscar for Best Short.” — JIMMY FALLON“Good thing he held onto that card, ’cause we might have seen his Maestro, if you know what I’m saying? His Poor Thing, if you catch my drift.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“They kept demanding that we make the envelope bigger and bigger, which, well, first, I have to say congratulations to John Cena, the commotion you caused. Very rarely does an idea literally push the envelope, and this one did.” — JIMMY KIMMELThe Bits Worth WatchingKristen Stewart defended her racy Rolling Stone cover while on Monday’s “Late Show.”What We’re Excited About on Tuesday NightThe journalist Jane Marie will discuss her new book “Selling the Dream: The Billion-Dollar Industry Bankrupting Americans” on Tuesday’s “Daily Show.”Also, Check This Out“I still like looking at the world around me with softness and an open heart,” Adrianne Lenker said.Erinn Springer for The New York TimesThe singer-songwriter Adrianne Lenker of Big Thief fame projects resilience on her fifth solo album, Bright Future. More

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      ‘The Late Show’ Goes Live to Recap the State of the Union

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      “Depending on what happens in November, next year might just be a Kid Rock concert and an immigrant catapult,” Stephen Colbert joked.Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Biden State of Mind“The Late Show” went live on Thursday night, after President Joe Biden’s State of the Union address.Stephen Colbert said that the press had so far described Biden’s address as “feisty, fiery, heated, supreme, crunch wrap. I’m sorry. It’s really late and I’m hungry.”“It was kind of a tense night, because it feels like this might be the last time we get a State of the Union. Depending on what happens in November, next year might just be a Kid Rock concert and an immigrant catapult.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Now, coming into tonight’s speech, critics said Biden’s State of the Union challenge was to dispel ‘old-man vibes.’ Really? In Congress? Kinda hard to fight off the old-man vibe when you’re speaking to a room that looks like an open casket convention.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“On the Democratic side, they wore white. On the Republican side, they were white.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Punchiest Punchlines (State of the Union Edition)“Well, guys, if you’re watching at home, I assume you’re still cleaning up from your big State of the Union party. Yeah. What kind of wings do you want — right wing, left wing?” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, earlier tonight, President Biden delivered the annual State of the Union address, and Biden’s speech was historic. It was the first time that the font size on the teleprompter was 8,000.” — JIMMY FALLON“Biden looked out at the members of Congress and said, ‘Finally, a place where I seem pretty young.’” — JIMMY FALLON“Thanks to rules giving former members of Congress floor access, George Santos attended the State of the Union. Come on! You can’t just go back to your old job like you never left — unless you’re Jon Stewart. Keep it up, Jon! You’re crushing it.” — STEPHEN COLBERT“Tonight, the room was filled with over 500 members of Congress, but Senator Mitch McConnell wasn’t there. Well, he attended, but he wasn’t there.” — JIMMY FALLON“Ahead of the president’s arrival there, members of the Supreme Court filed in. Interestingly, Justice Clarence Thomas did not attend. It’s nice to know he’s willing to recuse himself from something.” — STEPHEN COLBERTThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Thursday’s “Daily Show,” Ronny Chieng asked his “Kung Fu Panda 4” co-star Awkwafina to interview him about his role in the movie.Also, Check This OutKaty O’Brian and Kristen Stewart in “Love Lies Bleeding.”Anna Kooris/A24Kristen Stewart and Katy O’Brian find love in a hopeless place in Rose Glass’s new neo-noir thriller “Love Lies Bleeding.” More

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      Ronny Chieng Is Sad to See Nikki Haley Go

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      “The Daily Show” guest host bemoaned that Haley dropped out after President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump crushed Super Tuesday “like it was an audition for a Life Alert commercial.”Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.Same Old, Same OldNikki Haley dropped out of the presidential race on Wednesday after President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump dominated Super Tuesday elections.“No! The baby boomer death grip continues,” Ronny Chieng said while hosting Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”“So it’s now officially Trump and Biden. They crushed the primaries like it was an audition for a Life Alert commercial.” — RONNY CHIENG“Yep, now it’s pretty much certain that we’re going to have a rematch between Biden and Trump. At this point, the only thing that can stop them is a flight of stairs.” — JIMMY FALLON“Yeah, after the results came in, both guys threw big victory parties with confetti made from shredded classified documents.” — JIMMY FALLONThe Punchiest Punchlines (Nikki Haley Edition)“Presidential candidate Nikki Haley announced today that she is ending her campaign for the Republican nomination. Well, she’s a reasonable person. You don’t have to tell her 16 times.” — SETH MEYERS“That’s right, Nikki Haley is ending her presidential campaign. But, as an olive branch, Melania has offered her first lady.” — SETH MEYERS“But here’s the good news for Haley. She’s only 52, which means she can run for president at least eight more times.” — JIMMY FALLON“No! Don’t quit now, Nikki! You were only 80,000 delegates behind!” — RONNY CHIENG“If you drop out, who will little girls without any principles, convictions or charisma look up to?” — RONNY CHIENGThe Bits Worth WatchingOn Wednesday’s “Late Show,” Ariel Elias shared a story of her comedy stand-up set going viral.What We’re Excited About on Thursday NightRicky Martin will promote his Trilogy Tour with Enrique Iglesias and Pitbull on Thursday’s “Tonight Show.”Also, Check This OutTop, Colman Domingo, left, as the title character in “Rustin” and the real Bayard Rustin; center, Leonard Bernstein, left, and Bradley Cooper as the conductor.Clockwise from top left: Netflix; Eddie Adams/Associated Press; Jason McDonald/Netflix; Nicole Bengiveno/The New York Times; Liz Parkinson/Netflix; Associated PressMaking biopics can be complicated by input from real people whose lives are recreated onscreen. More